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Original poster

Stay at home or make him go?

149 replies

ShouldI101 · 29/12/2019 11:01

Ds14 is going through a bit of a bad attitude phase right now, argues with everything, doesn't want to do anything.

Tonight we are meant to be going out with 3 other families from dh's work. Hot dogs at someone's house then bowling.

He doesn't want to go. He has been arguing with us about it for days. I get that it's not his dream night out, none of his close pals are there. But surely he can suck it up just for a few hours?

His reasons for not going are that it will be boring and he doesn't know anyone. He does know everyone but they are not his particular friends. No-one he actually dislikes though.

If we make him go he will be in a mood all night and potentially spoil it for everyone and embarrass DH in front of his colleagues.

But if he doesn't go I have to stay at home with him and that feels like letting him win, showing him that mega tantrums and bad behaviour get you what you want.

But if he really doesn't want to go that badly is it fair to make him?

What do I do?

OP posts:
Kannet · 29/12/2019 11:50

Honestly. Tell him he has to go and go with a smile on his face or there will be consequences. He's old enough to know sometimes you have to do things for other people

7yo7yo · 29/12/2019 11:52

Feel sorry for him.

madcatladyforever · 29/12/2019 11:54

Leave him at home. At 12 my son had to stay at home alone until 10pm when I did lates as a single mum.
I paid a childminder neighbour to be in during those hours in case of emergency and she was just over the road. He wasn't allowed to go out. Homework and bed. I'd ring him a couple of times during the evening.
I hated it but had to earn a living.

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Austriana · 29/12/2019 11:57

Teenagers babysit at that age, of course you can leave him alone for 3 hours.

Maybe have pity on him if he's going through that awkward teenage phase where enforced social events are mortifying.

ch3rrycola · 29/12/2019 11:59

You need to leave him.
Tell him he doesn't have to come but you are trusting him to behave and prove himself.
He'll be fine, he'll love it!

PoptartPoptart · 29/12/2019 12:01

Honestly. Tell him he has to go and go with a smile on his face or there will be consequences. He's old enough to know sometimes you have to do things for other people

This ^^
He is only just 14. It is only one evening, and it’s bowling and food, not a trip to the Royal Opera House! It’s really not too much to ask. When did we as adults just start giving in to every whim of our teenagers? You are his parent and I think you need to tell him what is going to happen on this occasion.

Branleuse · 29/12/2019 12:01

Id make mine come if it was planned, with strict instructions to not act shitty or there would be consequences

jillandhersprite · 29/12/2019 12:04

Knowing that it's not something he wants to go to you've left it far too late to be asking this question now on the day.
Good behaviour in the last few days should have been encouraged with the treat of a night at home alone while you go out. Carrots are much more effective than a stick after the fact...
Yes there are times when kids have to suck it up and attend things - family type stuff but to facilitate your socialising with friends I think is unfair when you're 14.
At this stage I would have a good chat - give him the rest of the day to buck up his ideas and let him stay home alone. Yes he's acting like a stroppy teenager but give him the chance for a bit of 'safe' growing up on the expectation that this trust by you needs to be repaid with him acting like a grown up. If he breaks the trust only then punish rather than assuming he can't do it...

Nicknacky · 29/12/2019 12:04

I was babysitting other people’s kids at age 14 until 11pm or probably late.

He’s 14 and in his own house, just leave him at home.

Wheelerdeeler · 29/12/2019 12:07

I'd make him go. It's a nice family activity. He needs to suck it up.

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2019 12:09

Op are you struggling to trust him and accept how old he is? If he's ok on his own, happy to be, you should let him. Do you let him out on his own?

I think most folks understand why he doesn't wish to go, it will be shit for him. In two years he can leave hone, leave school, start and apprenticeship and he's not even allowed to be home alone. In three years he could be off to uni.

We need to prepare our kids and treat them appropriately for their age range, not wrap them in cotton wool so heavily they struggle ti function as adults.

onceandneveragain · 29/12/2019 12:10

Yes, I do agree that "now and again you just have to get on with it and do something you're not madly keen on for the sake of others in the family" but to me this would mean something like visiting an elderly relative, something that would bring them a lot of happiness, or helping your parents do the shop, as it's something you benefit from too, rather than this outing where I highly doubt any of the other families will be hugely impressed or have their evening greatly improved by the presence of a sulky teenager. He doesn't want to go, I doubt the other families are bothered either way if he's there, the only people who want him to come are you and your dh, and that appears to be solely because you don't want to leave him at home rather than because you won't have fun without him.

I agree with everyone else saying he will be fine at home, but if you don't want to leave him, can you reason with him saying what you've said here, i.e. you don't want to leave him for the first time when there's nobody else (grandparents/neighbours) around in case of emergency, but if he shows you he can be mature by coming to this event and not sulking, next time there's something he doesn't want to do you will consider leaving him home.

Staying home with him would be my least preferred option because as it punishes you, dh, and your friends, and rewards bad temper, so benefits nobody really.

BrieAndChilli · 29/12/2019 12:13

I wouldn’t stay home with him as you are then punishing your husband who has to go to a family orientated event without his family and it will look like his family are rude and don’t care.
I would leave a 14 year old home alone but if that is not an option then you will need to make him go with you.
Going forward you need to start equipping him with the skills to be independent and able to be left.

Frenchw1fe · 29/12/2019 12:16

I'd make mine come bowling and they wouldn't dare sulk either.
Why do parents treat children like royalty?
If he's not old enough to be left then he's young enough to do as he's told.

LL83 · 29/12/2019 12:16

I would make him go. He has to learn you are a family and sometimes one person goes along with the others. I am sure you have done that for him.

Unless there is a high risk he will really embarrass dh. General sulking would be fine.

Warning before hand best behaviour or loses phone/xbox etc.

lovemenorca · 29/12/2019 12:22

What strikes me is that he will be rude and moody and potentially embarrass your DH in front of colleagues

We all have to do stuff we don’t want to do. If my children were to embarrass me due to their rudeness and moodiness - I would be fairly seriously punishing. Mobile phone removed for a week etc

Crunchymum · 29/12/2019 12:27

The OP has said she won't leave him (and why) so it's a bit pointless to keep posting leave him?

I'd personally give him the choice to a) suck it up for a few hours or b) stay at home with me and help with chores / do homework / have an early night ie: do absolutely nothing fun!!!

Butterymuffin · 29/12/2019 12:27

Tell him he's going and that it's what he makes of it. If he's openly rude to anyone else then there will be consequences. If he just sulks then ignore it. People will understand a moody teen being moody. But it shouldn't stop you going as a family.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/12/2019 12:30

If he's not mature enough, or well behaved enough, to stay at home on his own right now, then he ducks it up. And any theatrics would mean more time until he can he trysted to be on his own.

jay55 · 29/12/2019 12:34

Could he not ask a friend along to the bowling part?

PoptartPoptart · 29/12/2019 12:36

We need to prepare our kids and treat them appropriately for their age range, not wrap them in cotton wool so heavily they struggle to function as adults
I do agree with this but I also think we need to stop allowing them complete personal autonomy at the age of 14.
There is a balance to strike. We risk breeding a generation of self entitled adults who just do what pleases them, regardless of anyone else.

BigBairyHollocks · 29/12/2019 12:38

I would also make him go and be very clear on the consequences of actions f like a twat when he is out. I have a 14 year old who I leave at home alone all the time, but for something like this I would say though luck you’re coming with us.

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2019 12:39

I'd make mine come bowling and they wouldn't dare sulk either. Why do parents treat children like royalty?If he's not old enough to be left then he's young enough to do as he's told

"Making" kids this age do stuff is simply bullying in this context. He's old enough to have an opinion and be respected for it. This doesn't make him royalty, it makes him a fourteen year old who is allowed an opinion, to express choice, and enabled with the maturity of his years.

"Making" him is shitty. And he is old enough to be left alone. The fact the op doesn't wish to is on her. Not him.

Tinty · 29/12/2019 12:42

Get him a sensible friend over and a pizza and some crisps (and salad). He will be happy, you will be happy 😃

mbosnz · 29/12/2019 12:43

Why don't you talk to your son about it? It could give him a huge boost if he thought you trusted him enough to be on his own - he'd be very likely wanting to live up to that trust and privilege. You could check in on him by phone several times in the evening, leave him a ready meal. . .

With my two, there are some things I require them to paste a smile on and grin and bear it, and sometimes I don't - I can remember far too well the utter tedium of being dragged along to things because my parents wanted to do them, and I would rather have been anywhere but there - and for no good reason. So I try to bank up a bit of goodwill in the teenager's department for when it really does matter, and I need them to do it with a good will.

But if you really feel like he's likely to be burgled, beaten up and the house burned down, I guess there's no option other than to drag a potential miseryguts alone, or to miss out on your night out.