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Original poster

Stay at home or make him go?

149 replies

ShouldI101 · 29/12/2019 11:01

Ds14 is going through a bit of a bad attitude phase right now, argues with everything, doesn't want to do anything.

Tonight we are meant to be going out with 3 other families from dh's work. Hot dogs at someone's house then bowling.

He doesn't want to go. He has been arguing with us about it for days. I get that it's not his dream night out, none of his close pals are there. But surely he can suck it up just for a few hours?

His reasons for not going are that it will be boring and he doesn't know anyone. He does know everyone but they are not his particular friends. No-one he actually dislikes though.

If we make him go he will be in a mood all night and potentially spoil it for everyone and embarrass DH in front of his colleagues.

But if he doesn't go I have to stay at home with him and that feels like letting him win, showing him that mega tantrums and bad behaviour get you what you want.

But if he really doesn't want to go that badly is it fair to make him?

What do I do?

OP posts:
TheTruthAboutLove · 29/12/2019 17:49

OP, I think that to answer your original question it would be better for you to stay at home with him and not go than for you to force a situation upon him that he’s made clear he has no interest in.

Early teen years are difficult, you can feel isolated and quite often very insular. I could understand if it was a trip to see his Gran but a night out with his Dad’s work friends and kids doesn’t sound appealing? I remember having this sort of thing forced upon me when I was younger and I remember the feeling of dread, wondering what I’d talk to them about and how I’d manage with people I hardly knew for hours.

So I think you need to listen to your son, he’s telling you he doesn’t want to go and you’re blaming it on a tantrum, it’s normal for teens at that age to start being independent. Let him stay at home and if you really won’t leave him, stay with him.

ukgift2016 · 29/12/2019 17:49

Oh my, let the boy stay at home for a few hours. He is too old at 14 to be dragged around at family events.

This is why ladies, so many boys grow up to be lazy men.

eveshopper · 29/12/2019 17:49

Anyway, I'm not changing my mind about the home alone thing. That's not what my post was about.

Well it rather is..

It was about trying to think through how whether his objections were genuine or just teenage attitude.

His objections are indeed genuine. Literally everyone on the thread has told you so.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
BedSprings · 29/12/2019 17:54

I'd make him go, OP with the proviso that if he plays up
he'll forfeit something he likes doing...X-Box or phone etc.
for a long time.

Then if he does play up, slip away and get a taxi and take him home.

Cohle · 29/12/2019 17:59

His objections are indeed genuine. Literally everyone on the thread has told you so

No they literally haven't Hmm

lisag1969 · 29/12/2019 18:23

Don't miss out on the fun and stay home with him. He is being selfish if he knows you have to stay home too.
Make him go. Sometimes we have to do things for other people whether we like it or not. X

lisag1969 · 29/12/2019 18:28

Don't leave early if he doesn't like it, stop letting him call the shots. X

patchworkpatty · 29/12/2019 18:28

The issue is All yours OP.

You need to get a grip and unclench.

I had a parent like you. I left home at 17 and NEVER returned.

lisag1969 · 29/12/2019 18:32

You don't have to justify yourself for not wanting to leave him.
Make him go, so you can go.
Leave the television on loud and lights on if I were you. So if anyone knocks they will just think you can't hear the bell x

Cohle · 29/12/2019 18:33

Oh for the love of god, OP's son is not going to leave home at 17 and never come home just because the OP doesn't want to leave him home alone for hours in circumstances where there is genuine concern about local crime. Hmm

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 29/12/2019 18:35

Have you actually asked him if he is happy to stay home on his own? Surely if he says yes, the issue is solved anyway? If he says no, then he knows he has to go?

You keep saying not leaving him alone isn't the issue here, but is is definitely a big part of it, and his answer to the above could determine which way you go. It's also an interesting "test" (for want of a better word) of his maturity. If he says yes but you're not happy to leave him, perhaps you need to adjust your expectations. If he says no, you can make your point he has to come with you.

Btw, I live in a similar sounding area and him "not being particularly streetwise" is not only an issue as it causes problems like above, but presumably he goes out of the house alone? So it needs addressing. You can get a Ring doorbell for your house if you have the budget which reduces the risk there, but he is a teenager with a phone and there is also a risk of mugging etc. Not wishing to alarm you further but he needs to be streetwise at this age. It may increase his confidence generally and he may become more mature and stop being so annoying (I mean that in a kind way, I have one like this too Wink)

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 29/12/2019 18:38

He is not throwing a toddler tantrum.

He is communicating his need as a teenager for space and respect for his wishes in not wanting to do something.

Good god the boy will be legally old to have sex in 2 years he is not a 10 year old.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 29/12/2019 18:40

@ShouldI101 having read your explore that just doesn't cut it for me.

Scbchl · 29/12/2019 18:41

I dont make my dd15 socialise with us if she doesnt want to. It is perfectly normal at their age to just want to be around their friends.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 29/12/2019 18:42

This thread is exactly why i end up nursing so many inadequate men !!!

NoncePieforSanta · 29/12/2019 18:56

I agree with you, OP - sometimes, even as adults, we have to do things we don't actually want to do - I am pretty hardcore by MN standards, but I'd be in the "stop whingeing and make an effort, you're not a preschooler" camp.

On MN, though, no one should ever have an obligation, no one should ever do anything just because someone else wants them to, and children must never, ever have any expectations put on them, so I appreciate I'm in the minority.Grin

Or-you could resort to bribery: if you make an effort at (family night out) on Friday you can take your mates to the movies/go for a Nandos/skip visiting Aunty Ethel - also might work Grin

firstimemamma · 29/12/2019 18:58

At just 6 months older than your son I was baby-sitting 3 young children, regularly and always after dark. I made them food and drink, stopped them all from arguing / kept them entertained and put them all to bed.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 29/12/2019 19:00

NoncePie am i reading it wrongly or is your username very unpleasant? Hmm

Cohle · 29/12/2019 19:03

I think NoncePie's name is a reference to a very amusing typo for mince pie on another thread.

SinglePringle · 29/12/2019 19:03

I think that's too big a responsibility for a young 14 yr old to deal with. If this had been 3 weeks ago and he had been only 13 would people have still thought it was okay?

I had a key from the age of 9. I would let myself in and it was instilled in me to Not Answer The Door. Never did. Never got burgled or deaded.

You ask whether his attitude is reasonable or not (and not about your parenting). The overwhelming response is ‘nope, not a tantrum and all quite reasonable* and you are uncomfortable with the realisation you might just be wrong. But you are.

firstimemamma · 29/12/2019 19:05

"So to reframe my question- does a stroppy teenager have the right to throw a strop and have plans changed to suit him or does he just have to go along with it, considering its only for a few hours and something he will enjoy once he gets there, if he lets himself enjoy"

Well this phrasing makes it clear as day what you think the answer is op. What's the point in you hearing any different views? Your mind is clearly made up.

I still think he should be allowed to stay home alone and I'd be throwing strops in his shoes.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 29/12/2019 19:07

Ah, thank you Cohle, without knowing the context (even with, IMO) it seems unpleasant to me.

Back to thread, I do think it's very important whether he is actually happy to stay in the house by himself or not. If he isn't, there isn't any need for the whole discussion?

Teachermaths · 29/12/2019 19:19

You are being ridiculous abiut the burglary and door ringing. Just tell him to ignore the door.

He needs to get street wise if you live in that sort of area. Leaving him home alone is part of that.

I suspect his side would be very different.

NoncePieforSanta · 29/12/2019 19:22

Yep, Cohle has it - Christmas NC in homage to a typo that derailed much of a thread. I don't actually think it's markedly unpleasant, though, compared to a large number of regular user names on MN. But then, you are also entitled to your opinion (I say graciously Grin)

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 29/12/2019 19:24

Well a lot of people don't seem to like my username either Wink so each to their own Smile

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