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Original poster

Stay at home or make him go?

149 replies

ShouldI101 · 29/12/2019 11:01

Ds14 is going through a bit of a bad attitude phase right now, argues with everything, doesn't want to do anything.

Tonight we are meant to be going out with 3 other families from dh's work. Hot dogs at someone's house then bowling.

He doesn't want to go. He has been arguing with us about it for days. I get that it's not his dream night out, none of his close pals are there. But surely he can suck it up just for a few hours?

His reasons for not going are that it will be boring and he doesn't know anyone. He does know everyone but they are not his particular friends. No-one he actually dislikes though.

If we make him go he will be in a mood all night and potentially spoil it for everyone and embarrass DH in front of his colleagues.

But if he doesn't go I have to stay at home with him and that feels like letting him win, showing him that mega tantrums and bad behaviour get you what you want.

But if he really doesn't want to go that badly is it fair to make him?

What do I do?

OP posts:

PoptartPoptart · 29/12/2019 12:43

It’s not bullying ffs!!!
Op ignore that comment!
Of course he is old enough to have an opinion and be respected for it. So am I as an adult. But guess what? Even adults have to do stuff they don’t particularly want to do from time to time for the sake of others!

Cohle · 29/12/2019 12:44

I'd insist he went and give him an absolute bollocking if he didn't behave pleasantly.

I genuinely believe it's an important life skill to be able to make polite small talk and cope well with social situations.

I'm sure you've spent plenty of time at social situations for his benefit over the years (kids birthday parties...) - it's what families do for each other.

TwilightPeace · 29/12/2019 12:44

Does no-one think that now and again you just have to get on with it and do something you're not madly keen on for the sake of others in the family?

What do you mean by this? ‘For the sake of others’?
Why isn’t your son allowed to decide what he wants to do?
He’ll be legally an adult in a few years so give him a bit of space and independence to make choices that suit him.
Part of growing up is learning to say no to things, it’s an important life skill.

You are making it into a power struggle when it doesn’t need to be one.

And yes sometimes in life we have to do things that we don’t want to, but this is a boring (in your sons eyes) night out with your husbands colleagues, why does he HAVE to go? Who benefits?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

RedskyAtnight · 29/12/2019 12:45

I can't understand why you can't leave him at home either.
I suspect the fact that you are babying him is probably contributing to his bad mood.

Yes, teenagers sometimes have to suck it up and do things that they don't want to do, but hanging out with dad's work colleagues' families surely does not fall into the "teenager must do" category. Plus, I bet he's already sucked up a lot of Christmas get-togethers that he probably would have happily missed?

TwilightPeace · 29/12/2019 12:48

I'd insist he went and give him an absolute bollocking if he didn't behave pleasantly.

I genuinely believe it's an important life skill to be able to make polite small talk and cope well with social situations.

I'm sure you've spent plenty of time at social situations for his benefit over the years (kids birthday parties...) - it's what families do for each other.*

LOL! So because the OP has organised birthday parties for her own child (it’s called basic parenting) he’s obliged to do unnecessary shit that he doesn’t want to do?

OP just let him stay at home FFS! You can go and enjoy your night out and your DS can enjoy his chilled night at home.

Giving your 14 year old a bollocking for not being pleasant when you force them to spend time with people they don’t want to.....horrible.

RollingOutOfBed · 29/12/2019 12:48

Yes, I do agree that "now and again you just have to get on with it and do something you're not madly keen on for the sake of others in the family" but to me this would mean something like visiting an elderly relative, something that would bring them a lot of happiness, or helping your parents do the shop, as it's something you benefit from too, rather than this outing where I highly doubt any of the other families will be hugely impressed or have their evening greatly improved by the presence of a sulky teenager.

This. I think it's fine for kids/teens to have to do something they don't like now and again, but I wouldn't make them do something they absolutely detest unless necessary. Visiting an elderly relative? Absolutely. Suck it up, but everyone can enjoy this event without said sulky teen.

I do think OP is being ridiculous in not wanting to leave him at home. You have to build up their independence, you can't just throw them out the door at 18 with no experience of being independent and taking responsibility. 14 is more than old enough to spend a few hours alone.

RollingOutOfBed · 29/12/2019 12:51

I'd make him go. It's a nice family activity.

It sounds like hell to me. Far from nice, I'd have hated it at 14 and twenty years later I'd still hate it. Bowling is one of the most tedious activities ever imho and why would I want to go eat hotdogs in someone's house, particularly when they aren't even friends.

RedskyAtnight · 29/12/2019 12:51

If he's not old enough to be left then he's young enough to do as he's told

the problem is that he is old enough to be left, but OP is insistent that he isn't. My parents did this too - they insisted on treated all their children equally, which means I got treated like my 5 years' younger brother, so was dragged to things all the time, on the basis that I was "too young to be left". I bet half his resentment is due to the fact that he's been told he has to go. If it was presented as an optional thing, he might actually be reasonably keen.

LauraMipsum · 29/12/2019 12:55

I'd sit down with him and say that you've been considering whether or not he's nearly sensible enough to be left alone for things like this. But one of the signs of being mature enough to be left alone is knowing when to prioritise the right thing to do, not the easiest or giving in to impulses. One really good signifier of that would be coming along with a smile on his mush and putting up with an evening that's not his favourite thing in the world like a grown up, and not grumping round with a face on like a pissed off toddler (obviously rephrase for diplomacy). If he's not old enough to manage a few hours of tedium and look moderately cheerful then he's not old enough yet and you'll have to leave it til summer to reconsider.

And then if he manages it, maybe orchestrate something similar much nearer so that he can say "no, I'd rather not" and you can say okay, he can stay home.

Ilovesausages · 29/12/2019 12:55

Maybe OP also doesn’t want to
Go and is looking for an excuse to stay home!

Cohle · 29/12/2019 12:58

I think the OP knows her child, and her location, better than we do. If she says he can't safely be left for three hours when she's some distance away then I'd be inclined to believe her.

fedup21 · 29/12/2019 13:14

the problem is that he is old enough to be left, but OP is insistent that he isn't.

I agree with this. What do you think he’ll get up to if he’s left? You talk about it being an underage are-do you think he’ll go out roaming the streets?

I’d say he can stay home, but I’ll be FaceTiming/tracking him at irregular intervals to make sure he’s in his room!

VimFuego101 · 29/12/2019 13:17

He's 14 - old enough to move out in a few years and live on his own. Is he allowed to cross roads or use the toaster on his own yet?

lovemenorca · 29/12/2019 13:18

If the IP know he will behave badly in front of DH’s colleagues then is it any wonder that she doesn’t think he’s old enough to be left alone? Clearly he isn’t.

The deal is - you show me that you can man up and behave like an adult even when doing something you don’t want to do THEN next time in a similar situation, I will let you stay at home.

He has to show the OP that he can behave well before she gives him something in return

SpudsAreLife84 · 29/12/2019 13:28

DD1 is 13, I wouldn't think twice about letting her stay home for a few hours

OP if you really feel he isn't ready to be left alone you should start working on this as an urgent priority.

eveshopper · 29/12/2019 13:30

Oh for goodness sake of course you can leave him at home

At 14 it's absolutely fine to decide if you want to tag along or not.

Butterymuffin · 29/12/2019 13:30

Giving your 14 year old a bollocking for not being pleasant when you force them to spend time with people they don’t want to.....horrible.

He's going to love the workplace in a few years. Sometimes having to do things that don't interest you, in the company of people you aren't bothered about! The horror. Welcome to adult wage-earning life.

afromom · 29/12/2019 13:35

I think for me it would depend how old the other children attending are. If they are similar ages to him I'd make him go. If they are younger, I would let my two stay at home at that age, but if that's not an option, then could he take a friend? We've done that with DS before when he doesn't want to go to something.

RollingOutOfBed · 29/12/2019 13:36

There's a world of difference between doing what your employer pays you to do i.e your job, and being forced to socialise with near strangers. One of the best parts about being an adult for me is having the choice to not attend work Christmas parties and other similar events,

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 29/12/2019 13:41

I doubt the OP will be back

ohwheniknow · 29/12/2019 13:44

Some of the behaviour being advocated on this thread as "parenting" is fucking vile.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 29/12/2019 13:48

(I'm assuming here he has no SN as you would have said if it was relevant)

If you think he is immature to the point he is not able to be left alone for three hours at 14, I would wager you are treating him accordingly, and part of his bad behaviour has been as a reaction?

I'm not saying that as it's an excuse, but as a reason, IYSWIM. It could become a self fulfilling prophecy, you treat him as a young child rather than the teenager he is, and so he acts like that. The word tantrums for a 14 year old is a little odd, IMO.

Perhaps this could be a golden opportunity to "reset" the cycle and as PP give him the chance to act maturely and well, and see if can can step up.

"I'll just stay at home with him" does sound martyr-ish, and if you give him that impression he will be resentful and you'll probably bicker.

Yes, I have teens and I do know they are all different but they all grow up and they all have to lead an adult life and we have to prepare them for it. If you treat him like a much younger child, you can't be surprised if he acts like that.

If you sit and clear the air and try to start "afresh" and acknowledge the problems and how you can both change, it may help? (You say your drive and my top tip for teens is to try and have conversations like this in the car no eye contact and they tend to open up a bit more)

TheTruthAboutLove · 29/12/2019 13:50

I think the fact that the OP hasn’t got her validation that bringing her son along wether he likes it or not means she won’t be back.

At 14 I was at home until 12am when my parents met their friends for the evening. I had my 12 year old sister, her best friend and also our 6 year old brother. We survived. Even back in the late 90’s, we sat and played PlayStation, ordered pizza and watched WWE and Club Reps (which we were definitely not allowed to watch when they were home). So I don’t think there is anything wrong with him being at home, nobody will ransack the house, he’ll be sat infront of his XBox/PlayStation the entire time and probably glad to have some alone time tbh.

Panpastels · 29/12/2019 13:54

No wonder he acts like a younger child when you treat him like one!

WifOfBif · 29/12/2019 13:56

It doesn’t matter how many people plough on with comments about how they were left alone at that age, the OP is not comfortable leaving him.

If the choices are either that he goes or you have to miss out, then he should be made to go.

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