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Original poster

Stay at home or make him go?

149 replies

ShouldI101 · 29/12/2019 11:01

Ds14 is going through a bit of a bad attitude phase right now, argues with everything, doesn't want to do anything.

Tonight we are meant to be going out with 3 other families from dh's work. Hot dogs at someone's house then bowling.

He doesn't want to go. He has been arguing with us about it for days. I get that it's not his dream night out, none of his close pals are there. But surely he can suck it up just for a few hours?

His reasons for not going are that it will be boring and he doesn't know anyone. He does know everyone but they are not his particular friends. No-one he actually dislikes though.

If we make him go he will be in a mood all night and potentially spoil it for everyone and embarrass DH in front of his colleagues.

But if he doesn't go I have to stay at home with him and that feels like letting him win, showing him that mega tantrums and bad behaviour get you what you want.

But if he really doesn't want to go that badly is it fair to make him?

What do I do?

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 29/12/2019 13:59

Don't make him go, it will be utterly miserable for him. My DS would have loathed this at his age. Teenagers often find it extremely awkward to socialise with people they don't know, even other teenagers. It would be different if you were seeing family.

If you don't want to leave him home alone then I think you should stay at home with him.

maddiemookins16mum · 29/12/2019 14:08

Hmmm, 14. I was out working full time a year later.
Stop treating him like a baby.

Jocasta2018 · 29/12/2019 14:13

I think you need to make up a dose of D&V that has hit the family and none of you go.
Your DS doesn't want to go & is likely to be a PITA if by some chance he deigns to grace you with his presence.
You won't leave him at home alone.
What excuses can your DH give for turning up alone to a work family do other than 'sorry my DS is a PITA & my DW won't leave him at home alone'?
So say you're all ill and avoid the event completely.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/12/2019 14:15

OP if you feel he should go then make him go ! Don't stay home seething with resentment because people you've never met before think you should!

eveshopper · 29/12/2019 14:17

It doesn’t matter how many people plough on with comments about how they were left alone at that age, the OP is not comfortable leaving him.

Of course people are going to post about how they were left/leave their teens at that age. It's not normal to be unable to leave a 14 tear old for a few hours. Maybe OP needs to ask herself why she is treating her 14 year old as if he is 10.

lovemenorca · 29/12/2019 14:24

* Hmmm, 14. I was out working full time a year later.*

Sweeping chimneys I suppose?

needanewnamechange · 29/12/2019 14:24

To me you have 2 options
He goes or you let him stay .
I get that your not comfortable letting him stay but tbh I'm assuming he has
a mobile ? So he can ring text you .
He locks the door and watches tv plays computer games whatever he does . You have to leave him alone one day today is this day .
The other option he goes and he enjoys it hot dogs and bowling with other families sounds fun to me especially if you say he's a young 14 .
I don't think you should stay home and miss out .

Original poster
ShouldI101 · 29/12/2019 15:58

This wasn't a post about why I won't leave him alone. I won't leave him alone in this particular set of circumstances and that's that. He gets plenty of age appropriate freedom.

He doesn't want to come because of teenage stroppy behaviour and bad attitude, no other reason. He knows and likes the other people and is usually happy to go.

His default answer to anything right now is no, without even thinking about it, and once he has said no he will not change his mind. He's 14 (2 weeks ago), not 16. It feels like he's dictating to everyone else and that doesn't feel ok to me.

And I can only go on what I feel is right. We can leave early if he really hates it but we're going.

I know plenty of people will now reply saying I'm dictating to him but honestly, that is not how our family works. We do all sorts of things that please some of us or others of us. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. He is dictating by basically throwing a toddler tantrum when he feels like it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/12/2019 16:01

He's 14 (2 weeks ago), not 16

What's sixteen got to do with it?

I'm not sure he is throwing the tantrum, I think it's you that is.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 29/12/2019 16:18

Not really sure why you asked
And I suspect it's learnt immaturity
But hey ho

TheTruthAboutLove · 29/12/2019 16:35

I’m not sure why you asked, as the plan was always going to be to make him go whether he likes it or not. And FYI that will breed resentment and the feeling of not being listened to at such an important age too. It would’ve been better for you to stay at home with him than actively force him to do something he doesn’t want to - and it’s not like you, him or the rest of your family will have a good time knowing he doesn’t want to be there. So it makes the whole thread a moot point.

eveshopper · 29/12/2019 16:37

This wasn't a post about why I won't leave him alone. I won't leave him alone in this particular set of circumstances and that's that.

I suspect this attitude is a huge part of the problem.

I know plenty of people will now reply saying I'm dictating to him but honestly, that is not how our family works. We do all sorts of things that please some of us or others of us. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

Why does it have to be a win/lose situation? Why can't he stay at home and you go out?

eveshopper · 29/12/2019 16:41

He's 14 (2 weeks ago), not 16

It's ok to leave a 14 year old at home for a few hours.

Tinty · 29/12/2019 16:43

So in reality you were always going to take him against his will and you just wanted a load of posts to tell you you are right, didn’t really go your way did it?

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 29/12/2019 16:48

@ShouldI101 I also wondered why you started this thread as you seem to have made your mind up already. You must have doubted yourself to post it originally but you haven't taken anything on board.

This is a genuine question, as I always wonder this on threads like these, doesn't the fact that the vast majority of people overwhelmingly think part of the issue is that you refuse to leave a teenager of this age alone, make you think about it?

I think if I had asked specifically for advice about something, and so many people repeatedly said xxx sounds like it's part of the problem, I would try and take it on board.

Again, I'm assuming there are no SN involved otherwise you would have said but I'm wondering if there is something else you haven't mentioned, as you're so very unwilling to even entertain/discuss what so many people have mentioned. (If there is you'll get accused of drip feeding though Wink)

RedskyAtnight · 29/12/2019 16:55

I'd be interested to know what other things OP's DS has had to go to over the Christmas break that he might not have been 100% happy about? Maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

MrsMillerbecameababy · 29/12/2019 16:58

eveshopper makes a good point - why does this have to be a win/ loose battle?

He's probably mortifyingly self conscious out bowling with his parents, their work-friends whom they're probably fake-jolly work-friendly with, and those people's either similarly mortifyingly self conscious or younger children.

Sucking up situations you don't want to be in is part of life sometimes but why make it a more dominant, frequent part of life than necessary? The equivalent of having to go to work with colleagues you might not like when you don't want to is already part of his life in the form of school! He doesn't need his parents to find him more uncomfortable situations to experience so he'll be hardened to having a rubbish time ready for the workplace - that's very odd logic!

There's no reason for anyone to miss out or be forced to participate awkwardly in compulsory "fun" here.

TheTruthAboutLove · 29/12/2019 16:59

I would stake money that come 11pm tonight there is a post from the OP about what a wonderful time her DS had and that she was right to force him to go 🙄 As that’s what usually happens.

Iwantacookie · 29/12/2019 17:00

Why would you want to take a sulky stroppy teenager with you?
Let him enjoy the house by himself.

Original poster
ShouldI101 · 29/12/2019 17:16

Okay here is the full detailed explanation of why I won't leave him alone this evening.

The two obvious people he would go to in the unlikely event of an emergency are not at home.

We are 45 minutes, not just 10, away.

There have been 4 break-ins in our area recently, 2 in the evening and 1 of those when the occupants were at home and someone forces their way in to an older persons house and stole money.
He is a small, skinny just 14 yr old and wouldn't intimidate anyone who rang our doorbell.

Several instances recently of people ringing doorbells and having not very convincing reasons for being there (I know one person this has happened to so I know at least that story to be true, the rest may be exaggerated).

Doorstep sellers coming round in the evenings. We recently had the police round all our houses warning us against this.
He's not particularly streetwise and I think he would panic if the doorbell rang given what's been happening around here recently. He was at home when the police came.

He doesn't have many friends unfortunately and the one we might have asked to come round is at his dad's in another town this week.

So to reframe my question- does a stroppy teenager have the right to throw a strop and have plans changed to suit him or does he just have to go along with it, considering its only for a few hours and something he will enjoy once he gets there, if he lets himself enjoy it.

To answer another question, this holiday has mainly been about things they have enjoyed and wanted to do. We did a list before the holidays. Together, with all of us having an input. This is the only thing he was not keen on. We have spent the day today at a fossil museum which was not my idea of fun.

OP posts:
sameasiteverwasantiques · 29/12/2019 17:19

Tell him not to answer the door it's that simple. Have you actually asked him if he would be ok staying at home?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 29/12/2019 17:28

How do you plan on developing his street smarts if you never give him small windows of independence
And tell him not to answer the door
It's not hard
Poor kid
You'll be moaning how lazy and depends he is in a few years
It he'll end up in situations that he has no idea how to deal with because independence needs to be developed gradually

Original poster
ShouldI101 · 29/12/2019 17:43

I am not comfortable leaving him on his own till 10pm at least at night when there has been all this chat of dodgy door knockers serious enough for police to come round the doors, break ins, people knocking on doors to see if houses are empty or not, a harmless old man we know getting pushed out of the way so someone can run in and steal his wallet.

I think that's too big a responsibility for a young 14 yr old to deal with. If this had been 3 weeks ago and he had been only 13 would people have still thought it was okay?

Anyway, I'm not changing my mind about the home alone thing. That's not what my post was about. It was about trying to think through how whether his objections were genuine or just teenage attitude. Because when he gets started on something he never lets it go and I find it hard to keep a sense of perspective about things when he's non-stop badgering me about it.

But the discussion has gone in a completely different direction.

OP posts:
Yestermost · 29/12/2019 17:46

You need to start making him more streetwise. The liklihood of being burgled in the 3 hours you've left him is minute. Youre more likely to have a car crash.
Give him the choice home alone or out with you.
We live in an area with issues and burglaries and have had 3 stabbings this year but I have to let my kids out and face a bit of adversity.
DS is 14 last night he babysat for friends kids, cooked them pasta, did bedtime and got walked home at 11.15 having earnt £25 smiles all round. He has been building up to it for the last year or so. His confidence has grown and has had to deal with various issues. He has to come to some family stuff but not all. The only thing is if hes at home he can't sit on screens all the time (wifi turned off).

eveshopper · 29/12/2019 17:47

I'm baffled. Ok so there is a risk of burglary in your area. Teach your son to lock the front door and make sure windows are shut. It's really not rocket science. He isn't expecting anyone so tell him not to answer the door. Also close the curtains so no one can see in the house. These are all steps I have taught mine in order to stay safe. By 14 he should know it already.