Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Herpes - not a big deal

140 replies

Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 13:21

Name changed because for me it is! But want it not to be so going to start telling myself that ^^

Just wondering who gets freaked out about it on here and general consensus?

I have Herpes, got raped last year and when extremely damaged and run down I got a spot down below, as I was in the mill of STD testing (have to post rape) they picked up it was Herpes. Said if I wasn’t in the testing I would never have known, so don’t worry or think about it, could have carried it for years and not ever had symptoms as 1 in 4 adults carry it genitally, 9 in 10 orally! But 80% have no symptoms at all so never know.

My DD2 has it orally, gets cold sores every now and then, ex DH is the same, even the sodding rescue kittens contracted it before we got them!

So why for me is it so shaming? I take suppressants because I link it mentally to the rape but the Drs have said its really unnecessary as I’ve never actually had a cold sore from it and they are going to stop prescribing the medication which is freaking me out! I can’t enter a new relationship because I can’t stand the thought of telling someone and being judged, and the Drs and my psychologist have said I don’t even need to say anything as no one with cold sores on their lips mentions it! but that doesn’t sit right as it feels like a “secret”. It just plays on my mind constantly. I have told one man before he became a FWB because he was talking about a girl he saw with a cold sore so it fit the conversation and He said as long as I didn’t actually have a cold sore he really didn’t give a shit so why is it a big deal to me? I’m dating someone (2 dates) at the moment but can’t progress to sex because I don’t know what to say Sad

Not sure what this post is about other than saying it out loud I guess!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 16:47

Lack of response tells me it isn’t then 🙈

OP posts:
beautifulstranger101 · 27/12/2019 16:51

I would never, ever judge anyone with Herpes because I know its common and as you say, lots of people can have it and not know it.

That said, I dont consider it to be "no big deal". Breaking out in painful, oozing blisters on your vag would be a "big deal" to me. Purely because of the pain and discomfort in that area, rather than the stigma of it, if that makes sense?

YearofMisAdventure · 27/12/2019 17:01

A friend has genital herpes. As far as I know she never told her now long term partner and they now have DC together.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Women's health
LittleReindeer · 27/12/2019 17:09

It’s the fact that it’s painful and incurable, you’ll break out in oozing blisters again and again for the rest of your life. Nobody wants an incurable disease. I think if it was curable it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 17:15

Except I don’t get any blisters, never ever have most people who carry it wont. Unless they have immune system issues or are unlucky. Same as the over 90% of the population that has it orally most never get a cold sore on the lips, I know I never have but must have it there too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 17:17

Just wish I didn’t know, without symptoms I could have lived happily never bloody knowing without the stupid post rape testing Sad

Thank you for saying you wouldn’t judge.

OP posts:
beautifulstranger101 · 27/12/2019 17:17

But many people do- many people get recurrent outbreaks which can be extremely painful, which is why I wouldn't regard it as "no big deal"

beautifulstranger101 · 27/12/2019 17:18

OP- im so very sorry about what happened to you and I hope you've had proper support/counselling offered to you.

bionicnemonic · 27/12/2019 17:20

I’m so sorry all of this happened to you. Flowers

Palavah · 27/12/2019 17:20

It’s the fact that it’s painful and incurable
This. And the general stigma that goes with STDs.

A friend has genital herpes. As far as I know she never told her now long term partner
This is inexcusable

OP, I know a couple of people (+ probably more whom I don't know) who have herpes and have gone on to meet new people, get engaged and married. Sure, it's something you'd want to cover with sexual partners, but it's not something you should be made to feel ashamed of.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 17:22

True beautiful and that must be awful. I think it’s the stigma of the thing defintely. On the mouth? No big deal just don’t kiss when you have it, no one EVER announces it before kissing or giving oral or entering a relationship.

On the genitals? Oh massive slag, god I could not sleep with them in case I catch it. I’ve seen threads on here. And I get it, I do!

But those with it orally can give it genetically and vice versa so why?

I have had intensive counselling, I have PTSD, I’m doing well but this is the one thing I just can’t get past. No matter how much every medical profession tells me just to forget it, one was even angry I was tested for it as they never do at clinics!

OP posts:
OneForMeToo · 27/12/2019 17:22

Honestly I wouldn’t want it and would be devastated if I had sexual contact with someone who knowingly had it and didn’t tell me. It’s a life long thing to have not just some antibiotics and it’s gone.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 17:24

One if you have had more than 2 sexual partners you will have been exposed, chances are you have it already just don’t know.

But that’s case in point to why I feel so unutterably shit about something that devalues me as a human worth loving.

I’m not blaming, pre-knowledge I would have said the same.

OP posts:
Justscrolling · 27/12/2019 17:24

I contracted it from a boyfriend who cheated on me. The first outbreak was extremely painful but I have had outbreaks since that have passed without any pain or bother. You didn't choose to contract it so don't be ashamed. It took me a lot of courage to tell my now DH but so glad I did. He wasn't phased at all and I think would have upset him more if I hadn't told him.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 17:26

Palavah they’ve told me it’s no longer classed as an STD just a skin condition.

But it’s good to hear positive stories. Though I don’t think I can ever have the conversation, with suppressants and protection I can’t pass it on but that’s really not the point as I can’t do the lying/secret/making choices for others thing.

OP posts:
Shadow01 · 27/12/2019 17:28

@Onewardsup Flowers I’m sorry you had to go through that.

My rapist also gave me herpes, the oral type but genitally. I take antivirals permanently to stop outbreaks as on top of the pain it sends my PTSD spiralling.
I feel enough of my own shame without seeing it from loved ones - so I’ve stayed single the last 6 years.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 17:28

Thank you just how/when did you tell him?

OP posts:
OneForMeToo · 27/12/2019 17:29

Thing is that would be unknowingly. The point is once you know then I believe each sexual partner should have the option. It’s about consent for me, no different to a condom on or not conversation.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 17:31

Oh god Shadow I’m sorry, totally get the PTSD thing and so pissed off the Drs are threatening to stop prescribing. Though they feel the reminder of a tablet every day is worse and I guess it could be.

I don’t want to be single though. I like men, I like sex, why should one bastard steal that from me??

OP posts:
beautifulstranger101 · 27/12/2019 17:31

I think your original post probably reveals the truth about why you feel you "can't get over it" you said: "I link it mentally to the rape"

Its left you with a constant reminder about what happened - the two things are now inextricably linked and I'm not at all surprised you're dealing with PTSD after all of that. But you know this is NOT your fault, and it doesnt reflect anything about you personally or about your character apart from the fact that you are incredibly brave and admirable in dealing with this horrific thing that has happened to you. If you are really struggling to get over this, I would explore these feelings further with your counsellor, I think it would really help.
Flowers

VaselineHero · 27/12/2019 17:32

I'm so sorry about what happened to you. If you don't get symptoms then I would not tell anyone until

a) I was sure it was a serious relationship
b) I got some symptoms during the relationship

It is shaming in our society because there is no cure but I think it is much less a big deal than other STDs as at least you know when you should hold off from sex. I know one person who has it and she got an outbreak when she first contracted it perhaps 15 years ago and nothing since. Don't think she even thinks about it now.

Are you or have you had any counselling? Could you discuss your feelings there?

Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 17:32

Fair enough One but you’d reject them? Even knowing your chances of contraction from them Vs any other person is minimal?

OP posts:
Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 17:38

Thank you Beautiful that made me tear up a bit. And you are right it’s linked because I think of tellling someone, then I think of telling them how which means I tell them about the rape, because that excuses me not just being to blame.

Vaseline see I wondered about that, it has to be pre-sex but when they know me well enough for me to be comfortable, but what man waits that long? And it means I can never ever just go out and “have fun” it HAS to be a relationship.

I stopped the counselling due to cost and not being allowed to talk about the rape pre-trial (if it even gets there), but maybe I should reconsider.

OP posts:
VaselineHero · 27/12/2019 17:45

I dont think I explained myself well enough. If you have no symptoms at all then I would go ahead and have fun and have sex with whoever you like. If you start to get any symptoms then you stop having sex and make a call if this man is worth having the chat or end it/make an excuse until you have no symptoms again

VaselineHero · 27/12/2019 17:46

It's it's so common I bet this is what people do anyway?

Swipe left for the next trending thread