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Original poster

Herpes - not a big deal

140 replies

Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 13:21

Name changed because for me it is! But want it not to be so going to start telling myself that ^^

Just wondering who gets freaked out about it on here and general consensus?

I have Herpes, got raped last year and when extremely damaged and run down I got a spot down below, as I was in the mill of STD testing (have to post rape) they picked up it was Herpes. Said if I wasn’t in the testing I would never have known, so don’t worry or think about it, could have carried it for years and not ever had symptoms as 1 in 4 adults carry it genitally, 9 in 10 orally! But 80% have no symptoms at all so never know.

My DD2 has it orally, gets cold sores every now and then, ex DH is the same, even the sodding rescue kittens contracted it before we got them!

So why for me is it so shaming? I take suppressants because I link it mentally to the rape but the Drs have said its really unnecessary as I’ve never actually had a cold sore from it and they are going to stop prescribing the medication which is freaking me out! I can’t enter a new relationship because I can’t stand the thought of telling someone and being judged, and the Drs and my psychologist have said I don’t even need to say anything as no one with cold sores on their lips mentions it! but that doesn’t sit right as it feels like a “secret”. It just plays on my mind constantly. I have told one man before he became a FWB because he was talking about a girl he saw with a cold sore so it fit the conversation and He said as long as I didn’t actually have a cold sore he really didn’t give a shit so why is it a big deal to me? I’m dating someone (2 dates) at the moment but can’t progress to sex because I don’t know what to say Sad

Not sure what this post is about other than saying it out loud I guess!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn · 02/01/2020 21:19

@Onewardsup good luck. You're a brave lady 💐 don't let something insignificant like herpes define you when you've survived so much.

PerditaMacleod · 02/01/2020 21:39

If its meant to be and they're worth your time, they will be glad that you told them and will be fine with it.

I've had herpes for about 15 years and told my DH before we got intimate. We ditched the condoms 4 years ago and he hasn't caught it. We have 2 DC and no issues.

It really doesn't have to be a big deal, good luck.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 03/01/2020 10:37

Sent it. Argh feel so crap and worried now! I so should not have via text. What do I expect him to be able to say fuckity fuck fuck.

OP posts:

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Women's health
Original poster
Onewardsup · 03/01/2020 14:54

Waiting sucks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Onewardsup · 04/01/2020 00:07

Not to be needy but Grin C’mon Mumsnet! I need the support 😂

OP posts:
LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn · 04/01/2020 00:22

@Onewardsup here. Hope you're alright x

happycamper11 · 04/01/2020 00:45

Had he replied OP?

HIVpos · 04/01/2020 07:20

I’d guess he is having a think.

When you texted him did you give any detail on how well it’s controlled - no outbreaks etc? You could send him a reliable link to read more about it? Also tell him you’d be happy to answer any questions he might have and hope he can see you as a person and not just the condition.

I hope he replies soon

PerkyPomPoms · 04/01/2020 10:18

Fingers crossed for you

fedup21 · 04/01/2020 10:24

the Drs and my psychologist have said I don’t even need to say anything

I’m surprised that is medical advice. I would absolutely want to be told before having sex with someone who has herpes so I could make a fully informed choice.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 04/01/2020 12:22

You did the right thing OP, he needs to know. But PP is right-a man worth you’re time will be fine with it.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 04/01/2020 12:32

Maybe fedup it’s because everybody you’ve ever slept with ever has had Herpes they think this? Everybody.

Just not genitally, that will only be one in four. Those people should be ashamed, because... stigma.

Sorry I’m feeling angry today, he did reply he respected my honesty, and has been speaking since but hasn’t since commented on what I have said or made plans to meet. If I now get the slow fade instead of a bit of bloody honesty in return, to know either way that’s really going to hurt. I’m fighting the urge to just grenade it and say forget it, I’m too damaged for you just say it and move on.

I’m never dating again. There is no point. I’m of no value now in that way.

OP posts:
LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn · 04/01/2020 14:48

@Onewardsup please, please don't think you're of no value in that way. It's not true at all.

Yes of course there's no one that would choose to have herpes but if people actually understood it then it's of no real consequence and for most people who have it, a slight inconvenience. You shouldn't feel stigmatised. There WILL be people who are accepting of it- please don't let this stop you from dating.

So many people are carriers of it without knowing. I've never had an outbreak but it wouldn't surprise me if I carried it now after having sex with a guy who did (he didn't knowingly sleep with me when he had an outbreak btw).

I hope it makes you feel better if I say that I'd give my right arm to be with him now. Miss him loads and don't care one bit he has herpes. Someone will feel like that about you.

Yes today is rubbish. It won't always feel this way 💐

HIVpos · 04/01/2020 16:05

I’m fighting the urge to just grenade it and say forget it, I’m too damaged for you just say it and move on.

If I can say...if you portray this to a partner then you are letting this define you and they will see this rather than the wonderful person that is you.

I understand that it’s tough, but he might not know how to react and is waiting on you. Perhaps try to put it at the back of your mind for a bit and go for some light hearted banter - show that you are a strong woman and this is just one small part of you, there is so much more worth getting to know.

fedup21 · 04/01/2020 16:15

Maybe fedup it’s because everybody you’ve ever slept with ever has had Herpes they think this? Everybody.

What do you mean?

Original poster
Onewardsup · 04/01/2020 17:32

I mean 90% of the population carry oral herpes Fedup. Every time they give oral sex there is a risk. They just don’t know.

Thank you Leave And HIV.

He’s responded, Im too big a risk. He’s a lovely man, truly lovely and responded in a loving way but right now I can’t think of a reply because I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear.

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 04/01/2020 17:42

I have herpes. I had one breakout when I was in my late teens/early 20's.

I'm now 37 and nothing since then (so nearly 20 years with no symptoms). So no, I don't consider it a big deal and no, if I'm honest I didn't tell any sexual partners about it (including my DH).

wheresmymojo · 04/01/2020 17:49

...and I didn't tell them because of the type of misinformed view you see on this thread.

It's reasonably likely that some of the people saying they wouldn't date someone with herpes have herpes.

fedup21 · 04/01/2020 18:26

I mean 90% of the population carry oral herpes

Really-that seems high. Which study is that based on?

LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn · 04/01/2020 18:34

@wheresmymojo spot on, it doesn't seem to compute with people that they could have herpes, just without symptoms. As of yet anyway.

And I understand why you'd keep it to yourself tbh. Honestly it is not as dramatic as some people are making out. It's no more serious than psoriasis, eczema, rosacea.

@Onewardsup I'm sorry that was his response. Honestly not everyone is going to feel like this

wheresmymojo · 04/01/2020 18:41

That's exactly how I feel. I had one outbreak in 20 years and they weren't particularly horrible or painful. Just an annoyance like a coldsore.

TDMN · 04/01/2020 18:47

OP, i have the oral herpes strain but on my genitals. I have had it for 10 years, with 5 long term partners in that time, never had anyone run a mile and noones ever caught it off me either.
Im so sorry this has happened to you, and I cant imagine what it must feel like to keep having this reminder, but you will find someone who is worth their salt and doesnt let it bother then. Sending you a hand squeeze, breath deep, tomorrows another day and all that cliche stuff. Wine

Original poster
Onewardsup · 04/01/2020 18:50

I was told the figure by the clinic Fedup but attach a couple of examples of sources, though the WHO has it globally at around 60% as some countries are higher than others.

Herpes - not a big deal
Herpes - not a big deal
Herpes - not a big deal
OP posts:
Original poster
Onewardsup · 04/01/2020 18:53

TDMN have you told those 5? And how much rejection did you face other than those? Sorry if that’s a personal question but I just feel fucking awful.

Mojo I can’t judge your position at all, it’s so insignificant in a physical way to my life, 1 spot, 1 bloody spot ever! And yet I’m not unloveable and worth less. I probably had this for years never knowing. I wish to god they’d never tested.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 04/01/2020 18:56

Many (most) people are without symptoms. I am not one of them. I've had it for 31 years since I was a teen. It's painful when I have a flair up - max once a month. I take Zovirax (or generic) 1mg per day for 3 days and it's gone.

Telling partners is complicated. ExH used it as a stick to beat me with. All the fucking time. I have never given it to anyone despite a generous amount of partners.

DH said "So what" when I told him. He couldn't care less. He gets cold sores and honestly they are worse.

Flair ups are most common due to being run down or stressed.