Herpes - not a big deal

[Onewardsup]

Name changed because for me it is! But want it not to be so going to start telling myself that ^^

Just wondering who gets freaked out about it on here and general consensus?

I have Herpes, got raped last year and when extremely damaged and run down I got a spot down below, as I was in the mill of STD testing (have to post rape) they picked up it was Herpes. Said if I wasn’t in the testing I would never have known, so don’t worry or think about it, could have carried it for years and not ever had symptoms as 1 in 4 adults carry it genitally, 9 in 10 orally! But 80% have no symptoms at all so never know.

My DD2 has it orally, gets cold sores every now and then, ex DH is the same, even the sodding rescue kittens contracted it before we got them!

So why for me is it so shaming? I take suppressants because I link it mentally to the rape but the Drs have said its really unnecessary as I’ve never actually had a cold sore from it and they are going to stop prescribing the medication which is freaking me out! I can’t enter a new relationship because I can’t stand the thought of telling someone and being judged, and the Drs and my psychologist have said I don’t even need to say anything as no one with cold sores on their lips mentions it! but that doesn’t sit right as it feels like a “secret”. It just plays on my mind constantly. I have told one man before he became a FWB because he was talking about a girl he saw with a cold sore so it fit the conversation and He said as long as I didn’t actually have a cold sore he really didn’t give a shit so why is it a big deal to me? I’m dating someone (2 dates) at the moment but can’t progress to sex because I don’t know what to say

Not sure what this post is about other than saying it out loud I guess!

Listen to your own words - it's an incredibly common condition that as you say most people don't realise they have. People who don't have it or know this think it would be the end of the world, but honestly, it's not. It's mundane. It's a pain. I have it. I have had two outbreaks in the twenty years since diagnosis, one mild, one horrendous. I think dh had it and didn't know. He's never had an outbreak. I don't blame him. He doesn't feel disgusted or guilty. I took lysine for a while which is meant to help. But you know the best thing to prevent outbreaks is to take really good care of yourself - eat well, exercise, meditate, take holidays, do things you enjoy - it's when you are run down that you get an outbreak. I'm sorry that you were raped and that this is hanging over you. Please will you do one thing for you while the case etc is ongoing? Keep living your life, keep valuing and caring for yourself, keep surrounding yourself with the people who are good for you. Ok that's a lot of things, but you deserve a lot of good things. Herpes is not the problem here and will seem a minor blip in the future, when you have the perspective of time passed. That's my experience.

OP you obviously connect it with the rape and that’s why you find it so distressing. Something similar happened to my friend and she said every time she had an attack it felt like he was still hurting her, and she could never heal or escape from what he’s done to her because it’s incurable. The rapist died of cancer several years ago but he’s still hurting her. Her therapist told her to think of it as a battle scar because she survived.

OP, I'm really sorry about what happened to you. There is a huge amount of ignorance about herpes simplex virus type 1 and 2 in the general population. Seperating the facts abouts herpes simplex from the stigma can be a difficult task.

May I suggest giving the herpes viruses association a ring to talk through some of the worries you have. They are very knowleable and friendly.

6/10 people in the UK have hsv1. This accounts for almost all oral infections, and, in the last few years, over half of all new genital infections (due to a lack of education about safe oral sex in relation to cold sore transmission).

1/10 has hsv2. As above, this is largely genital, with a very small percentage of oral infections.

As you've already pointed out, only one in five carriers of either type will know they have it. A) because most people will either be asymptomatic or have symptoms so minor they will go unnoticed and b) because testing without symptoms is not included in standard NHS std tests (accurate private testing can be hard to access and navigate).

You are not alone, and with the facts to educate a potential partner about minimising transmission, you can move forward.

Do you know which type you have?

I meant to add that risk of transmission from female to make outside of an outbreak is 4% without antivirals or barrier protection. This can be cut to 2% with use of daily antivirals and/or condoms.

Hsv1 does not like the genitals, apart from the primary outbreak, studies show that asymptomatic shedding and subsequent outbreaks are very low in healthy people.

I have genital herpes. I got it when I was 17 and had unprotected sex with an older man who clearly didn’t care about passing it on.

I had one outbreak at that time which, I’ll be honest, was very painful for a few days and I had a nasty flu like fever. And that was it. Over 20 years later I’ve had other boyfriends, I now have a husband and children with no more problems.

As far as I was told you can only pass it on when you have the sores so I never told previous short term boyfriends as a) I never had another outbreak and b) we always used condoms. I told my now husband when we’d been together long enough to decide not to use condoms and he was totally fine with it. The only other time it’s come up is during pregnancy because they have to know if you’ve got an outbreak when you’re about to give birth so they can give the baby some medicine so they don’t get it. Obviously not having had a breakout for 20 years the midwives just ticked a box and that was it, zero comments or issues. It’s so common they come across it all the time, just another question along with what blood type you are.

Having a herpes diagnosis most likely won’t practically affect you much at all over your lifetime. The psychological effects are of course much harder given the circumstances under you contracted it and it sounds like you would benefit continuing your counselling to attempt to disentangle your feelings.

Ironically I have never had oral herpes and often think that one is worse to deal with, having an unsightly sore on your mouth when you’re run down must not be fun! Step away from dr google and make a counselling appointment tomorrow.

My DP gets cold sores. We just don’t kiss etc when he has one or has one coming.

So many people have it, often at know fault of their own that I’d hate to avoid some I otherwise was attracted to because of that.

As above, there’s such a small chance of picking it up from someone asymptotic that I wouldn’t worry about it. And this is coming from a T1 diabetic, so I’m immune-compromised anyway. I’d rather have a loving relationship.

Can I suggest that you talk to your GP again and make a deal about the anti-virals. It isn’t fair to just stop them cold turkey with out some sort of support. So maybe if you work with a counsellor with a view to being able to progress off them? You deserve a crutch to avoid re-traumatising yourself!

I’d need to be a little fussy with sleeping with someone or even kissing someone with Herpes as I’ve immune system issues and I know I’d have frequent sore outbreaks.

Neither me nor DP have herpes so I am lucky that way. While I’d be extra careful and vigilant it wouldn’t stop me having a relationship with someone who had it, it’s not something you chose so it’s not something to judge!

Men tend to care less about this sort of thing so if you did want to tell someone that’s entirely up to you, I don’t think it would deter many!
I’m so sorry your rapists put you through this!

@Casander you can't get herpes on your arm

Yes you can, don't ask me why I get it there, I don't know, but I'm not wrong or making it up.

Darrell yes you can. You can get it anywhere-although it’s usual spots are genitals and mouth.
I got them on my fingers first time I had them.

I've got it and it's the reason I'm single and will be for the rest of my life. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of it. I never slept around, my ex gave me it. He knew he had it but never told me. Something I could never do to someone. I've dated (briefly) twice and one of them didn't have herpes so I told him straight away and he was fine with it. The second one did have it but we weren't compatible.

And for posters saying it's painful and you get oozing sores... I've had like 3 outbreaks in 7 years and they are mild and barely noticeable.

For me it's the stigma attached to it that causes me more trouble than any of the physical symptoms.

I told him one evening when the thought of keeping such a secret was killing me. I also decided that it was part of who I was and if he was worth keeping he would accept that. I was prepared for him to take some time to think about it.

Skye it is HSV2.

Thank you all for sharing your stories, and your own opinions it is really helping to see the non hyped side of things. And sadly to see other struggle too. IMWANG I hope you don’t always feel that way (and me!) it sounds like the 2 times you have told
It’s worked out?

I’m going to see my psychologist and just take the cost hit, and hopefully she can maybe write to the GPS for me?

Personally, I wouldn't date anyone with genital herpes.
But equally, I wouldn't date anyone who suffers/has suffered with cold sores either.
I don't want either.
It's personal choice but I strongly feel a person should be given that choice. If someone I was dating knew they had genital herpes and didn't tell me, I'd walk immediately. If I knew about it then caught it, that'd be different because I would have made that choice to put myself at that risk.
I have always made sure myself and any prospective partner have had full sexual health screenings prior to ANY intimate contact. I have also asked them about cold sores. Not one has ever refused to get tested.

I am very sorry what happened to you though.

this

And that’s what the majority probably think, and it’s a valid choice. But it fucking hurts that it doesn’t matter what I have to offer, the human that I am, the fact that I have less then 2% chance of passing it on and even if I do the other person has an 80% chance of no symptoms, the fact I am caring, kind and loving, have a good family, good life. All of that is invalidated because I’m rendered unlovable by a sodding skin condition that I’ve never even had any symptoms of 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Onewardsup I didn't date for 5 years as I was too embarrassed to tell a new partner and then I just thought fuck it, life's too short. I dated a guy who didn't have it and I told him and he wasn't bothered in the slightest. He was a lovely guy and I ended it with him because there was no spark.

The second guy was someone I'd known for years and who I knew had it. To be honest I think that was one of the only reasons I went out with him. I knew he had it and that he'd always fancied me. I thought it would be easier to just settle for him rather than have to find someone who I liked and tell them about it. I couldn't force myself to like him so I ended it with him.

Now I'm single again and think I'll probably stay that way as I just can't be bothered with all the stress of it!

People can have it and have no idea as they have no symptoms but can still pass it on. You also can't be tested for it until you're having an outbreak so making a potential partner get checked out won't rule herpes out.

@Onewardsup I’ve been following your thread and just wanted to show some solidarity. STIs generally can be very much stigmatised, even though there might be no or only a tiny risk of passing them on to a partner. This can be down to ignorance - ie lack of knowledge - and also fear, and the fact it’s due to sex. What this does is to make dealing with something like this more of a mental issue than a physical one and can cause shame, wanting to run away and hide (metaphorically speaking). I’m so sorry you were raped and of course this will add to how you feel, even if you might have been already carrying hsv2 before this happened.

Considering the majority of people have hsv1 those who say they wouldn’t date someone who has or has had cold sores is really going to restrict options, especially considering so many will not even realise they carry the virus, even those who say they wouldn’t date someone who had it. I actually dated someone recently who had a small mouth sore and didn’t realise what it was. I suggested he refrain from kissing his kids and grandkids till it had cleared up!

Please don’t let those that wouldn’t date someone with hsv2 put you off dating. Rather see them as the sort of people you wouldn’t be suited to dating anyway. You’ve learnt what you can about your condition which is a good start in being able to explain it to any partners. From my own experience - and it can be tough at the start - when dating I want someone to see me first, my little passenger second. Having a good sense of self worth, as you seem to do, certainly helps. Only when you feel comfortable enough that you both like each other that you might want to take things further would be the time to say anything. I think you will find, as others have mentioned, that if someone loves you, they will not see this as an obstacle.

Interestingly, as someone who is probably older than you, I’ve found any health conditions can potentially be a barrier in a prospective partner - diabetes, high blood pressure, epilepsy etc. It’s made me realise that with age we are all going to come with some baggage or other. I’d say re the guy you’re currently dating that it would be better to tell him before sex as 1) it will show the sort of person he is and if he’s right for you, and 2) it would be so much more difficult to tell him later if the relationship became long term.

If it’s aciclovir you’re taking, it sounds like you don’t need to be taking it atm and it’s good you’ve never had an active outbreak - perhaps never will. You could consider taking back control by making the decision yourself to stop taking it in the New Year? However I understand that it’s always good to have some in as it works best at first sign of any outbreak.

Bless you. I am so sorry this happened to you. I have genital herpes (type 1) which is the oral type. I picked it up from a guy I was dating who may or may not have had symptoms but passed it to me during intercourse. This was 14 years ago. At the time I was devastated and felt dirty. Obviously I wasn’t. It was just bad luck. To me it was a huge thing. I was unlucky and had a lot of breakouts. Very painful and just awful. It can be passed on during an outbreak and also viral shedding which is when there’s no symptoms but the virus is active and can be passed on. Condoms don’t prevent it spreading. That all being said I have never passed it on to someone else. Any partner I’ve had I’ve always told before we were to have sex. Everyone has been totally accepting and not judged. They appreciated the info and for them to decide if ok to go ahead with relationship etc. I got very good at spotting outbreak signs so just didn’t have sex. I’ve been with my fiancé 10 years now. Getting married soon and currently 35 weeks pregnant. He’s never caught it from me. Your lucky with no outbreaks could be that way forever or could lie dormant for 10 years then have an outbreak you just don’t know.
The fact you contracted this possibly through the rape (I do believe you did as there was one sore) you get one shortly after initial exposure then your first outbreak can happen at any point. For me it was around a month later. First breakouts are the worst. Anyway the fact you contracted this this way will compound your feelings on it. Please don’t think this you have done nothing wrong. You’d be surprised how many people have this.
What I’ve learnt is, fir me I have to tell them. I don’t think it’s fair to enter a sexual relationship with someone who could catch this. It’s awful to explain and I get that but I do think it’s irresponsible of the doctors to say it’s not a big deal. The guy I got it from blanked me when I told him. He was in denial I believe and suspect didn’t care. At the time I was angry with him but not now.
Good luck to you in your counselling and court case. Hope you get through this. It dies get easier xx

Thank you, HIV it is acyclovir and I will tell him if we get there, though I may cut if beforehand through fear 😬

Lolly thank you so much for your hugely positive story, it’s so nice no one judged, what did you actually say I don’t know what words to use!

What a really awful thing to have happened to you. My very best friend was raped at university 35 years ago. She developed genital herpes and it added to the awful trauma. All these years later she has never had it again and never tested positive for HPV. This doesn’t need to define you and more people have it than you think. You’ll probably completely recover and may never have it again. You need to think about getting support for your emotional needs. I wish you well. You have done nothing wrong and you need to keep remembering that xx

Herpes zoster is shingles, I have had that and it was painful. There are various herpes viruses. I guess just use condoms and look after yourself. Shingles is worse during stress and can re-cur, I get this and it is horrible so I do understand a bit.

@Onewardsup I hope it helped. So each time I’ve told someone I’ve told them face to face. I’ve then followed up with a text after. So this is generally what I’ve said.

When we have had a couple of dates and I know that I want things to progress I say
“Before we go any further with dating I’d like to let you know something. This is very difficult for me to say so please let me get it all out and then you can ask anything. I’m not suggesting we are about to leap into bed anytime soon but it’s important for you to know.

X amount of years a go I found out that I have genital herpes it’s type 1 and I’ve had quite a few outbreaks. It’s the cold sore one you can get on your mouth. I got it form an ex who I believe didn’t know he had it or just didn’t care. I feel that you need to know this and decide if this is something your ok with or not. I totally understand if it’s too much to deal with. I will say I would never ever instigate or allow sex to happen if I remotely had any symptoms. I do get warnings of an outbreak and I would say to you if I was having one. There is a slight chance you could get it even with me having no symptoms but it’s very very rare but you need all the facts”
They generally have either known about it form a friend who has had it or have read about it. They tend to ask symptoms. What are the warning signs, etc.

I’ve then said I understand it’s a lot to take on board and I’d like you to think about things and just let me know either way.

Honestly it’s so bloody awful saying it and waiting for a response. I’ve generally text after and said thanks for listening if you red any more info please just ask and I can send you some links.

They have at time not back in touch for a day or 2. My now fiancé straight away said thank for telling me. You could easily have not and it shows your a good person. He asked a few questions mainly of I was ok and said things were fine. I got out of car and went home. He text not long after saying he really was not put off by this especially as I had been so honest. You just need to work out how you would put it. I do believe people should be told and given the chance to decide. A friend of mine has type 2 genital herpes. She was seeing a guy and slept with him without telling him (no protection) I did go mad at her as it’s totally disrespectful. She told him eventually and he went crazy and rightly so. (Should have used protection but that’s another thread) ended things straight away and she was upset. I said it’s coz she had taken his choice away. Anyway she’s now in. Avery happy relationship, currently trying for a baby and she told him before she slept with him. Good luck x x

Thank you Lolly.

I’m struggling a bit tonight as I need to tell the person I am seeing, we’ve got to the point where I think intimacy is pretty much a given and we have a date tomorrow, planning to stay over. As such I have to say today to give him the chance to opt out but I really didn’t want to do it via text

Good luck