Herpes - not a big deal

[Onewardsup]

Name changed because for me it is! But want it not to be so going to start telling myself that ^^

Just wondering who gets freaked out about it on here and general consensus?

I have Herpes, got raped last year and when extremely damaged and run down I got a spot down below, as I was in the mill of STD testing (have to post rape) they picked up it was Herpes. Said if I wasn’t in the testing I would never have known, so don’t worry or think about it, could have carried it for years and not ever had symptoms as 1 in 4 adults carry it genitally, 9 in 10 orally! But 80% have no symptoms at all so never know.

My DD2 has it orally, gets cold sores every now and then, ex DH is the same, even the sodding rescue kittens contracted it before we got them!

So why for me is it so shaming? I take suppressants because I link it mentally to the rape but the Drs have said its really unnecessary as I’ve never actually had a cold sore from it and they are going to stop prescribing the medication which is freaking me out! I can’t enter a new relationship because I can’t stand the thought of telling someone and being judged, and the Drs and my psychologist have said I don’t even need to say anything as no one with cold sores on their lips mentions it! but that doesn’t sit right as it feels like a “secret”. It just plays on my mind constantly. I have told one man before he became a FWB because he was talking about a girl he saw with a cold sore so it fit the conversation and He said as long as I didn’t actually have a cold sore he really didn’t give a shit so why is it a big deal to me? I’m dating someone (2 dates) at the moment but can’t progress to sex because I don’t know what to say

Not sure what this post is about other than saying it out loud I guess!

You really must tell someone before you sleep with them, it’s possible that they already have it, it’s unlikely that you’d give it to them us asymptotic but not giving them the informed choice is unforgivable. A lot of people (men in particular given they have less reason to worry) wouldn’t care, but likewise a lot of people wouldn’t want to take the risk and that’s their prerogative. Lying to your sexual partners won’t make you feel any better but I’m sure that if you start telling people you’ll find that for a lot of people it’s not a big deal.

I'm confused by this thread. In particular by the people who would not 'risk their health' by dating someone with herpes.

It's the cold sore virus? Unless you're very, very young or very, very elderly, surely there is no risk to your health?

I get cold sores all the time. I spend 90% of my life feeling run down and overworked but I've never had any serious complications from an outbreak.

OP, you've been very brave on this thread (and I'm sure in RL). Take care of yourself and in future, if you don't want to tell a potential partner then don't. Like you say, people who get it on their lips don't go around having serious talks about their cold sores before kissing someone. It's the same virus with the same, virtually non-existent, complications.

Unless you're very, very young or very, very elderly, surely there is no risk to your health?

I suppose it’s knowingly sleeping with someone who you may contract it from and there being no cure that would bother people so much.

Sorry for what happened to you OP.

I'm confused by this thread - if 90% of people have herpes but very few ever get symptoms then why should most people be bothered? Most of us have it, it sounds like I must have (I've slept with quite a few people), no one has ever told me they have herpes and I've never had symptoms.

@frequency me too!! I was literally reading it thinking wtf?! Interesting insight into how some people think though I guess.
Stuff like this pisses me off no end though, STIs are like cold and flu only spread by having sex. We're all supposed to be modern minded , not prudish and having loads of sex but not EVER get and infection from that sex because thats dirty. I work with teens and I fight so hard to change the stigma around it because the main thing that damages your health is not getting proper treatment.

Also OP I'm so sorry for what you've been through. You can get the antivirals online from Superdrug if that helps

Many people dont get 'oozing sores'. With some people it looks like tiny, long cuts/lines that dont bleed. My partner has had one outbreak and nothing since.
I'm very sorry what happened to you, is it possible your feelings are related to that?
As you say it is very common.
It wouldn't put me off someone I was serious about so long as they told me so we could be careful. 2 dates in might be too soon but play it by ear?

It’s interesting to hear the different perspective, I’ve been so wrapped up in the google hell of (mainly USA) sites saying you have to tell I’m in hell.

I just called the one man I have told and have told about the rape and then had sex with, an ex FWB (doesn’t want a relationship) and he’s just asked me what the fuck I was thinking saying anything to the potential boyfriend. And that he’d had sex with me and his knob hadn’t dropped off (he’s a bit blunt 🙈). And that any man who doesn’t want to lay a beautiful woman on the tiny risk he might get a coldsore is a bloody idiot and that I am under no circumstances to talk about it to anyone ever again. Which cheered me up but now I’m in a massive moral quandary with my own brain.

I then called rape crisis as I was spiralling and they want me to make an IPSO complaint, which is unrelated but has mentally screwed me further. Argh! I need to eat, haven’t eaten all day, why is this affecting me so badly when half the people I know have had a coldsore. My child gets them and my ex FFS, granted on the mouth but still!

@Frequency some strains of the virus can cause cervical cancer. In some people it also presents as a life changing condition. For most people, particularly if they don’t have a cervix it’s not an issue. But I would expect the answers here to be skewed because of the cervical cancer point which of course isn’t particularly relevant to the OP (beyond potential partners not wanting to risk catching it incase they then end up with limited choices after her).

That's HPV, aka human papilla virus, @BonnyConny. Herpes doesn't cause cervical cancer.

I really feel for you-as if being raped isn’t traumatic enough, to find out you have contracted genital herpes as well must have been awful.

Are there any UK support groups? From what you’ve said about the US sites, they don’t seem great.

It is a routine infection, no need to ‘confess’ or whatever. Many medics still think it’s a big deal, it really isn’t. Your experience sounds awful, and I hope you feel able to heal. Have you contacted any women’s orgs?

I haven’t sought help from any organisation really, and my psychologist is amazing but maybe I need someone who has been there?

Pap, you might find this helpful herpes.org.uk/events/

OP not Pap!!

Can I ask OP, did you get a positive result from a swab test, and did they tell you if you have HSV1 or HSV2?

I've had cold sores on and off since I was tiny. I've had some whoppers in my 20's - 3 all at once on my lips just when I stared a new job. About 5 yrs ago I got an outbreak down below and specialist took one look and said cold sores- they can break out anywhere.i used to get them
Regularly each month in conjunction with my period - even though I have a coil. Recently though I've been lucky and haven't had any break outs for a while...only a couple of small ones on my lips over Xmas as I've had some
sort of cold virus.awful things and you feel scruffy and sore.the breaker it's are defo linked to hormones

OP, have you considered using the herpes-specific online dating websites? It would sidestep the disclosure decision.

OP - have you posted another threD?

Why would you need to confess to a routine illness the majority of the population have?

The real issue of course the rape ( ) and you are deflecting by focusing on a garden variety illness rather than a traumatic and traumatising rape

In this thread, you say you take suppressants, in your new thread you say "Don’t even need to take anything, just never get one, totally asymptomatic." So which is it or have I misunderstood?

You're obviously in great psychiatric pain OP and I am sorry about that. I wish you all the best in your appointment.

I read it can cause blindness if your eyes are touched so hand washing is important if the lesions are touched.

Adayatthebeach, that is blantently not true. Common sense and logic can tell you that without research. 11% of the population have hsv-2, probably more since it often goes undetected, and some 50% have hsv-1. If it caused blindness then sightloss would be incredibly common among teens and young adults.

It can cause ulcerated corneas if you wear contacts. I've had one. They're very unpleasant and uncomfortable but they do not cause sightloss. Ulcerated corneas can also be caused by ill fitting contact lenses and dryness of the eye while wearing contacts.

I have which was probably stupid but my mind was spinning.

Jamie I have been told about them and looked into it, but, like the drug companies that made this such an issue in the first place, it feels like profiting from fear and stigma? One step from ringing a bell and shouting unclean. Could be my issue though.

IIRC from a newspaper article I once read, there is one that was set up by someone with herpes. So you don't necessarily have to sign up to be exploited by someone who has spotted a niche to make money.

It's not something you're obliged to do, but it might be worth looking in to temporarily. I think you could do with a break from the sites you're using now.

Theoretically, you'd be able to meet people casually again and be able to see how it progressed without the big relationship talk.