Herpes - not a big deal

[Onewardsup]

Name changed because for me it is! But want it not to be so going to start telling myself that ^^

Just wondering who gets freaked out about it on here and general consensus?

I have Herpes, got raped last year and when extremely damaged and run down I got a spot down below, as I was in the mill of STD testing (have to post rape) they picked up it was Herpes. Said if I wasn’t in the testing I would never have known, so don’t worry or think about it, could have carried it for years and not ever had symptoms as 1 in 4 adults carry it genitally, 9 in 10 orally! But 80% have no symptoms at all so never know.

My DD2 has it orally, gets cold sores every now and then, ex DH is the same, even the sodding rescue kittens contracted it before we got them!

So why for me is it so shaming? I take suppressants because I link it mentally to the rape but the Drs have said its really unnecessary as I’ve never actually had a cold sore from it and they are going to stop prescribing the medication which is freaking me out! I can’t enter a new relationship because I can’t stand the thought of telling someone and being judged, and the Drs and my psychologist have said I don’t even need to say anything as no one with cold sores on their lips mentions it! but that doesn’t sit right as it feels like a “secret”. It just plays on my mind constantly. I have told one man before he became a FWB because he was talking about a girl he saw with a cold sore so it fit the conversation and He said as long as I didn’t actually have a cold sore he really didn’t give a shit so why is it a big deal to me? I’m dating someone (2 dates) at the moment but can’t progress to sex because I don’t know what to say

Not sure what this post is about other than saying it out loud I guess!

I'm confused, in your op you clearly say you are taking the suppressants and are worried as the doctor is planning to stop prescribing them? Personally yes I do think there is a difference and I would definitely want to know. Like you say you wouldn't know if you hadn't been tested so someone with a flare up might not notice/be aware, or not realise til it's too late. Someone who has facial coldsores an outbreak is there to see. I'm not saying I'd discount a partner but I'd be angry to find out later and they hadn't told me. I'd also be angry if a partner had oral sex with me whilst knowing they had a coldsore or had been experiencing the tingle that warns one is on the way

Most people have herpes, either oral or genital but the majority never have symptoms. Just because you haven’t had a breakout, doesn’t mean you don’t have GH. You may well unknowingly be a carrier of it. It is spread from skin to skin contact so condoms don’t help, you can also get it from someone who has oral herpes (cold sores) giving you oral sex.

I don’t think it’s a massive deal. I have it, I was diagnosed with it a couple of years ago after a massive breakout. I’d almost definitely carried it unknowingly for years then had a breakout after a stressful period following miscarriages. I haven’t had a breakout since and was told even if I did, it would never be as severe as the first one. The first outbreak was one of the most agonising things I’ve ever experienced but it disappeared two days after I started taking anti-virals. I don’t think people with cold sores are judged and GH is no different, it just means you’re sexually active like most adults.

Sorry Happy I meant before it was picked up. I do now, though through fear of triggering the PTSD rather than any practical need. Should have said “didn’t” on that post not “don’t”.

I haven’t RTFT but just wanted to say I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to you and can only imagine what you are going through.

I’m not sure whether this is helpful or not, but I wouldn’t actually really consider you as someone who has genital herpes. I am speaking as someone who does have it, and who also has a degree in microbiology. You carry the virus (as do the vast majority of people), but have never presented any symptoms so don’t really have the disease do you. The virus can only be transmitted via open sores so if you don’t get outbreaks I don’t see any real reason why you should feel obliged to tell any future partners.

Statistically, most of the people on this thread carry the virus but will never know about it so don’t consider themselves as having herpes, the only difference between you and them is that you have had the test.

There is a lot of stigma and misinformation out there, I think largely because it ‘stays with you for life’. Yes, if you carry the virus you will continue to carry it, but even those who are unlucky enough to have outbreaks are very unlikely to have lots of them for years and years. Particularly if otherwise healthy.

I have had outbreaks in the past (although don’t any more) so felt it important to tell DH, but in your case I really think you should just forget all about it.

I hope you can get some real life support to help you work through your trauma. All the best.

Clueless - I thought it could be transferred via assymptomatic shedding. I know it is a much smaller risk though.

but have never presented any symptoms so don’t really have the disease do you.

I thought the OP said she did have a herpes spot?

Fedup I had one spot (not an open sore) on my pubic area after the rape and was in the gamut of STD testing post rape at the time. I assumed this was then a herpes spot when I got the diagnosis. But to be honest I can’t say 100% for sure as I was badly physically injured by the attack. Before I got the diagnosis I thought it was a shaving spot and was ignoring it

Clueless your post is helpful, in the way that I am thinking maybe a course of action is to stop taking the suppressants which may or may not be needed, see if I get any outbreaks over a set amount of time (don’t date in that time, maybe 6 months??), deal with the mental fall out if I do get one with my psychiatrist, and talk to my GUM clinic Specialist about the facts of your post if I don’t?

Does that sound like a plan? Having a plan to deal with this physically and mentally I think is what I sorely need instead of being stuck in this cycle of self stigma.

www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=16&ved=2ahUKEwjql8Kvvu_mAhWSVt8KHeXzCuUQFjAPegQIBxAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.healthline.com%2Fhealth%2Feye-herpes&usg=AOvVaw0LIWCWMYcrBFx0tThk7Zvf

What's with the herpes obsession today on MN?

I think that sounds like a perfectly good plan OP. Even as someone who has had symptoms, the only time I have bothered with suppressants was toward the end of my pregnancy.

I think getting psychological support to help you to process your feelings about what happened is the most important thing right now.

If not dating right now is best for you then take some time for yourself, but don’t not date because of these test results. In the unlikely event that you have an outbreak you can take the precautions and decide then how to discuss it with any sexual partners,

You’ve been through a lot, take care of yourself, don’t use this as a stick to beat yourself with.

With the herpes (genital or otherwise) as long as you are taking a suppressant it cannot be transferred to another do much ignorance surrounding this. It's honestly no big deal

What's with the herpes obsession today on MN? hmm

The OP has two posts running on the subject.

Maddy - I thought it could still be transmitted even though suppressants are taken? Although I appreciate the risk is considerably lower.

I can really recommend the rape crisis helpline. They are open every day