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Original poster

Herpes - not a big deal

140 replies

Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 13:21

Name changed because for me it is! But want it not to be so going to start telling myself that ^^

Just wondering who gets freaked out about it on here and general consensus?

I have Herpes, got raped last year and when extremely damaged and run down I got a spot down below, as I was in the mill of STD testing (have to post rape) they picked up it was Herpes. Said if I wasn’t in the testing I would never have known, so don’t worry or think about it, could have carried it for years and not ever had symptoms as 1 in 4 adults carry it genitally, 9 in 10 orally! But 80% have no symptoms at all so never know.

My DD2 has it orally, gets cold sores every now and then, ex DH is the same, even the sodding rescue kittens contracted it before we got them!

So why for me is it so shaming? I take suppressants because I link it mentally to the rape but the Drs have said its really unnecessary as I’ve never actually had a cold sore from it and they are going to stop prescribing the medication which is freaking me out! I can’t enter a new relationship because I can’t stand the thought of telling someone and being judged, and the Drs and my psychologist have said I don’t even need to say anything as no one with cold sores on their lips mentions it! but that doesn’t sit right as it feels like a “secret”. It just plays on my mind constantly. I have told one man before he became a FWB because he was talking about a girl he saw with a cold sore so it fit the conversation and He said as long as I didn’t actually have a cold sore he really didn’t give a shit so why is it a big deal to me? I’m dating someone (2 dates) at the moment but can’t progress to sex because I don’t know what to say Sad

Not sure what this post is about other than saying it out loud I guess!

OP posts:
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6
moanyhole · 27/12/2019 17:56

It's like any Traumatic event, it will take time for you to accept the aftermath consequences OP and come to peace with it. Honestly if you have the conversation with a future partner and they judged you for it then you wouldn't want to be with them anyway. Maybe see it partly as a method of weeding out the good eggs from the bad eggs. If someone told me I honestly would not be fazed.

As a side note I really think the medical professionals are wrong to plan to stop the anti virals. If it is a trigger for PTSD for you then this is a strong indicator that you should stay on them. Personally I think they are very wrong here

beautifulstranger101 · 27/12/2019 17:56

I stopped the counselling due to cost and not being allowed to talk about the rape pre-trial (if it even gets there), but maybe I should reconsider

I think you should continue with it- especially if you are waiting for it to go to trial- what a stressful time this must be. Counselling should be completely confidential so I can't see how that would influence anything pre-trial? (unless you have been specifically told you can't- I'm not aware of how the process works so forgive me if thats the case). I would also hope you've been referred for free counselling by your GP because this circumstance certainly warrants it.

I think its normal that this would take time to process and deal with but if you are finding that the herpes issue is something that keeps coming up in your mind over and over again then yes- I think it would be helpful to address this in a safe environment like counselling. Clearly, this is something your mind is struggling to process on its own so help from a professional to untangle this issue and be able to look at it objectively would certainly be helpful I think.

Casander · 27/12/2019 17:58

I have it OP, I was given it by an ex who slept with whilst I was drunk knowing he had an outbreak.

I have only had one outbreak genitally which was how I knew I'd got it, I actually get it on my arm occasionally when I'm run down.

I was honest with DH from the start and he has never caught it. It's never been a big deal in our relationship.

I'm sorry that this happened to youThanks

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Women's health
JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 27/12/2019 18:07

I caught it on a previous encounter, I told my now DH quote factually at the start of our relationship and he dealt with it. He caught it off me-knowingly (we’d had a couple of drinks). He’s had one outbreak since, my outbreaks have stopped since I stopped oral contraceptives.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 18:14

Vaseline that’s pretty much what the clinic told me, no one talks about it on the lips so I don’t have to. It’s my head I struggle with it as a moral issue, even though I KNOW no one who gets cold sores tells a partner. My DD when she’s old enough probably will never get them but do I tell her she has the virus therefore must tell everyone? I just won’t tell her, but that plays on my mind too. Totally fucked up.

Beautiful basically any psychologists notes can be asked for by the defence prosecution and anything relevant used in court. So while I CAN talk about it, I don’t want my innermost thoughts used in that way, it’s awful and wrong. I’m a piece of evidence not a person Sad

Moany thank you, I think they should too!

Casander thank you, it’s good to hear of others though obviously I don’t want anyone in the same place!

OP posts:
SingAnotherFuckingShaLaLaLa · 27/12/2019 18:19

I get cold sores, maybe once or twice a year and not really badly.

I suspect I probably carry herpes elsewhere although have never had an outbreak. I slept with a guy who had an outbreak start around the time I slept with him- I've not slept with anyone else since him- do I need to mention it to people in the future? Like I said I've never had an outbreak.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 18:22

Sing don’t think you need to mention it genitally you have no idea if you defintely have it! Orally can be passed via oral sex to the genitals but no one does tell and the majority of the population has it orally.

I don’t know, my head is totally wrong on it all so I can’t answer that!

OP posts:
toothfairy73 · 27/12/2019 18:23

OP @beautifulstranger101 is right. It is a constant reminder and you still have no control over your body. And his actions are still having an impact on your body. It sounds really triggering. Anyone that loves you and whom you feel comfortable telling your story, will not think less of you. They will realise what an incredible survivor you are xx

SingAnotherFuckingShaLaLaLa · 27/12/2019 18:30

@Onewardsup if I have a cold sore I'd never kiss or do anything with anyone. I have no idea if the guy I was sleeping with passed it to me as I've had no outbreak but he was a lovely person, I didn't judge him for it (and carried on having sex with him- just with a condom if he had had an outbreak)

They are horrible things but my god there should be no shame around this or any other STI imo.

You should absolutely feel no shame 💐 you're an amazing strong person and whilst unpleasant it's not that big of a deal imo. I hope you're getting all the help you need and that you're ok x

sameasiteverwasantiques · 27/12/2019 18:30

If I know someone had genital herpes I couldn't be intimate with them and risk catching it myself.

toothfairy73 · 27/12/2019 18:33

OP it's so hard and I Completely understand the pre-trial thing. I can really recommend the Rape Crisis helpline. It is open every day of the year 08088029999 12-2:30 and 19-21:30. You don't get through every time but when you do you get 40 mins to talk to someone who truly gets it. Also if you want online support from people who have been though similar check out warriorwomen.org.uk/

dirtyrottenscoundrel · 27/12/2019 18:33

I wouldn’t have a relationship with someone who has herpes no. For me it’s a really big deal.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 18:39

Thank you Tooth I will look at that link

same and dirty can I ask why not? And if you would have a relationship with someone who gets cold sores on the lips?

OP posts:
Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 18:40

Thank you sing x

OP posts:
Thestral · 27/12/2019 18:43

No big deal and no judgment from here. You're being more responsible than most people who wouldn't even give it a second thought.

This isn't, and wasn't, your fault. If you had something else wrong, you would take the meds, mention it when necessary, and move on. This doesn't need to be any different - any any man who can't accommodate this with understanding and condoms isn't someone to shag, anyway.

Thestral · 27/12/2019 18:45

Sorry; there's an extraneous "any" in there!

SingAnotherFuckingShaLaLaLa · 27/12/2019 18:46

@sameasiteverwasantiques and @dirtyrottenscoundrel you might carry it yourselves and not even know it (yet)

I would absolutely be in a relationship with someone with herpes- just avoid sex during an outbreak and use condoms

dirtyrottenscoundrel · 27/12/2019 18:46

Onewardsup

Cold sores on the lip wouldn’t bother me.
Genital herpes would. I suppose because it’s a sexually transmitted infection you can never get rid of, and from what I’ve heard, it bloody hurts!

Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 18:51

I totally get it dirty but I suppose the reason I ask is that the growing cause of genital herpes is oral sex with someone who gets them orally. So by being in a relationship with someone that does, chances are you would get them on your genitals anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Apparently it passes more easily from men to woman and with them upping the oral game so do the genital rates increase. We even get the shit end of the stick from that Hmm

I wish they hadn’t tested, the fucking irony is I could have had it forever so they can’t even pin it on him. Which I guess is good in a way though. I hope it was ex DH who had them Sad

OP posts:
Ronnie27 · 27/12/2019 19:07

Surely you just don’t have sex if / when you have an outbreak? I get cold sores when I’m run down and just don’t kiss / go down on dh if I’ve got one? We’ve never had a big conversation about it, it’s obvious when I get one, it’s there on my face for everyone to see.

Most people have some form of herpes, they just don’t know about it. You’ve never even had an outbreak yet have been put in the position of knowing for sure that you do have it and now you feel this awful sense of responsibility which is way out of whack with all the people merrily spreading it around without ever knowing.

Dawninglory · 27/12/2019 19:08

Hi OP, my ExH had it, we'd been together a yr before he had an outbreak, I thankfully recognised the symptoms and we abstained from sex. In the 6yrs we were together and at least 3 outbreaks, I never caught it. (Had to tell midwife and was tested when pregnant) So don't worry about outbreaks, you can tell guys you're on your period or if you think it's long term be honest. Lots of people catch it, lots from oral sex with someone with a cold sore usually!

OneForMeToo · 27/12/2019 19:27

Honestly I wouldn’t go out with someone who had them orally or on their genitalia.

I just wouldn’t want to risk my health like that. However clearly lots of people don’t care so I don’t see it hampering your life too much as those who don’t care far outstrip those of us who do care.

Pretty sure condom usage don’t stop the spread either just slightly lowers the risk as the sores are not just on the shaft/internal so that’s a bit misleading.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 20:08

It doesn’t stop it I don’t think. You can get it anywhere, arms etc so it can’t!

It’s narrow dating pool though looking at these stats Sad

Herpes - not a big deal
OP posts:
Original poster
Onewardsup · 27/12/2019 20:09

I REALLY need to stop googling I’m not helping my mental health here at all. Not even sure what I’m looking for on the thread 🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s like virtually beating myself with a stick Blush

OP posts:
SingAnotherFuckingShaLaLaLa · 27/12/2019 20:37

@Onewardsup I think you need to stop googling too and wrt herpes, please try not to stress. It doesn't make you dirty, it doesn't mean you can't have a relationship, it's not some serious health condition that affects you horrendously. Yes I expect it's uncomfortable and of course it would be better not to have it. But apart from the contagion, it's a skin condition, just like psoriasis, eczema, so many other things.

You've been through so much 💐 be kind to yourself