My 12 year old daughter only comes downstairs for food is this normal?

[StormyLovesOdd]

Just feeling a bit sad, DD spends all day in her bedroom we don't seem to have much family time anymore, this is a new thing, we've always been really close until the last few months. Whilst we were having breakfast this morning she mentioned she fancied watching ET later. I was really looking forward to watching it together but she's bailed on me and I'm watching it on my own whilst DD is in her bedroom. Is this just normal behaviour for a 12 year old?

My 12 year old is not like that, and it would bother me if she was. Does she have a screen/phone in her room?

Yeah, she has an old iPad she watches now tv on.

Normal in my experience from around that age.

Oh well probably normal then! My DD would watch tv in her room and play games if she could. I suppose it will happen soon to me too.

My 11 year old is the same!

It's like having a lodger. At least it's not just me that's been cast out.

Mine started this around this age, shuts the door, says no-one can visit then emerges every so often saying she's lonely and no-one talks to her

My 12 year old DS isn't like this but is ASD so quite different to your typical child.

Wouldn't be overly concerned unless she appears depressed. Think its a stage in them becoming independent but they don't always know how to do it. Do keep talking to her as much as you can so you can check for any signs of depression but otherwise just start of a teenage phase.

It's a really, really hard phase OP. I sympathise.

They do come through the other end though- the later teen years have been much better than the tweens IMO.

Some things that helped in our house

• compromising a little bit on allowed foods. I never would have wasted money on Dominoes but it became a little bit more of an 'event' and we spent a nice mealtime together.
• my DDs were suckers for fancy coffees
• Compromising or finding TV programmes they'll watch with you. I watched all of Gossip Girl and a good bit of Greys' Anatomy with my DDs. They also loved Bake Off.

Think its a stage in them becoming independent but they don't always know how to do it.

Totally agree with this.

Same here.need to limit the Laptop a bit more so she emerges!

DD, can spend a reasonable amount of time in her bedroom. But it's where she does her homework and painting that she is really into. Other then that she joins us for TV watching and all meals. She enjoys going shopping with me to.

So I think all the time is a bit over the top really. We don't allow phones after bedtime either, she only has her tablet in her room when doing homework. If she is playing on it she's downstairs.

Be careful OP, a heard of a young mild mannered girl who went up to her room to play tapes and emerged 6 months later as Tracy Barlow.

I feel a bit better now that it's not just me. DD does come down for all meals, we eat together as a family and I don't let her eat meals in her room. We also like shopping and do that together.

I've told her she's not allowed to watch any film older than a PG on her only mainly to get her to watch them downstairs with the rest of us. I suppose thinking back I was the same at this age.

Don't think she's depressed or anything, she's quite chatty during mealtimes and sociable with her friends. I just miss her I suppose 😢

I've told her she's not allowed to watch any film older than a PG on her only mainly to get her to watch them downstairs with the rest of us. I suppose thinking back I was the same at this age

Have you got controls set so she can’t actually watch inappropriate material? All well and good telling her, but it’s easy to click from link to link and watch adult stuff barely realising...

Do you know what she is doing in there? I would be concerned tbh.

chunkers Brilliant!

My 12 year old DD does this. She pops out occasionally to say hey and have a quick cuddle then we won't see her again for a couple of hours. I was the same, I loved my own company (still do tbh) and would only emerge when I was hungry or had to leave the house. I occasionally shout up asking if she's okay and get a 'Yeah I'm good' back from her.

I agree with a PP that it's a part of them exploring their independence. I would think that as long as there isn't any other worries, such as depression etc that it is completely fine and normal for that age.

My DS might do this if we put the console in his bedroom, but keeping it in the living room keeps him out. He does increasingly take an Ipad / phone into his room to watch anime / chat with friends though. We limit his Ipad / phone time: as soon as that's run out he comes out. He isn't allowed to keep either device in his room and the only charging points are in the living room. Does your DD have any limits on how long she's allowed to be on the devices for?

Am I the only parent who just doesn't allow this? DD14 and DS12 just know it's not allowed (unless they are ill) and that they certainly can't spend all day on their screens. Yes, they spend time in their bedrooms, but the doors are kept open unless good reason (eg getting changed, wrapping presents) and if they've been up there a while (say more than an hour or so), I'll pop my head in and ask they what they're up to / if they're alright / if they want to come down and do X, Y or Z and certainly after about two hours I'd strongly suggest they come downstairs. We have a no food in bedrooms rule that helps as they have to come down if they want a snack. Also wifi in DD's room is fairly poor so if nothing else she'll choose to sit in our room rather than hers! And I have a rule that every day they need fresh air and exercise (unless pouring with rain all day) so that means they will usually come out with us even if it's only in garden or walk to local shop.

Maybe we're just unusual, but I find it weird that some parents just seem to let their children opt out of family life once they get to secondary school age. They may not need us in the same way they did when they were younger, but in many ways I think they need our support more as there's more likely to be issues with friendships, relationships, exam stress, peer pressure, body concerns, etc, but if they don't spend time with their parents then we can't really expect them to share their problems with us, and I really don't like the idea of all that going on without us knowing about any of it.

DD1 would be like this if the Wi-Fi stretched to her room! Since it doesn't she lives in my room where the Wi-Fi is strong. But I disappeared into my room at about 12 and emerged again at 20 so it sounds pretty normal to me. I just like my own space.

Normal according to most fellow parents I know.

No not normal, we didn't do it. We have one TV and a no tech upstairs rule. If you are happy with it crack on but if not put your foot down.

My just turned 14 year old dd is starting to emerge from her bedroom, it's like watching a nervous foal, she comes out but runs back in when her brother dares to speak to her.