My 12 year old daughter only comes downstairs for food is this normal?

[StormyLovesOdd]

Just feeling a bit sad, DD spends all day in her bedroom we don't seem to have much family time anymore, this is a new thing, we've always been really close until the last few months. Whilst we were having breakfast this morning she mentioned she fancied watching ET later. I was really looking forward to watching it together but she's bailed on me and I'm watching it on my own whilst DD is in her bedroom. Is this just normal behaviour for a 12 year old?

Normal, I'd say but we have just bought an additional sofa so that watching a film together is more inviting.

I was allowed my privacy at that age, I didn't have a phone or tablet but read loads and I was keen on working on my various art projects. I think checking on 12 year olds constantly and having rules about them not staying in their room for longer than an hour is OTT and limits the ability to establish their own identity.

That’s a really good point hatsscarfsandgloves about house size. Our downstairs is completely open plan so we basically one room! We don’t even have a separate kitchen. So I do understand why my DS finds his room very peaceful.

If we had 3 reception rooms then the space would feel very different.

DS does this but less in his room and more in the back room/ kitchen diner since that is where the PS4 is. That means we seen him if we are in the kitchen / cooking/ clearing up etc..

Having the PS4 downstairs means he doesn't spend as much time in his room . He won't watch anything on TV with us though, ever

At 17 though, its still very controlling.

17 is so nearly an adult.

At 16, I was working full time and at 17, i was volunteering 150 miles away, living on my own...

If you are all downstairs do you sit in the same room? How do you spend your time?

Yes we are in the same room, reading and drinking a hot drink or finding something to watch on TV together.

We have got two reception rooms plus a sofa in the kitchen and it’s just the two of us.

My concern with DD is that she is an only child, bit of a loner. Apart from two sports she doesn’t do anything, doesn’t meet friends as they don’t live in town. I don’t think it’s particularly healthy for her to stay in her room alone constantly, hence my downstairs for an hour or two with me every evening.

@Goldenbear- was the "checking on them constantly" and "not allowing them in their room more than an hour" aimed at me? I can't see anyone else who has said similar, but popping my head round the door maybe once an hour (or more often if I want to ask them what they want for tea / if they are going out tonight / etc) is not checking constantly and I never said they couldn't stay in there more than an hour. If either of them were sitting reading I'd be quite happy for them to stay there for a whole morning (though would still pop my head round the door occasionally) - that's what I often did as a kid and teenager. But that's different to just random watching videos on YouTube all morning - we all know what a black hole the internet can be when you start off doing something useful and get distracted onto rubbish.

I do agree that by the age of 17 I would leave them to their own devices more, same as we gradually have as they have got gradually older - but also that I would insist on them spending time with us as a family - if they want the benefits of living at home (big house rather than grotty flat, food bought for them, only having to do a few chores rather than cook all their own meals, clean all their home, do all their washing) then they have to be part of the family, not act like a lodger.

As PPs have pointed out, possibility of being on their own outside their rooms does make a difference - we have the option of the kitchen (with table - used a lot for homework), lounge (TV), family room (PS4) and study (PC). So we're not all constantly on top of each other, though may find us watching TV together, on PS4 together (well, DS and DH anyway), or chatting in the kitchen whilst one cooks (usually me!) If we only had one downstairs room then I would expect them to want to be in their rooms more.

I have an 8 year son old who just started doing this. He still plays outside for hours with his friends and if we're playing board games and doing art and crafts he'll happily join in but other than that he's upstairs on his tod watching tv and he has turned down watching a movie with me and his younger brother for watching a movie of his choice 8n his bedroom. I've heard other mothers of kids in his class complain of similar behaviours from their 8yo so I'd say what your dd is doing is pretty normal.

I think throwing around the word controlling when it comes to parents setting house rules for children of any age is ridiculous. They aren't mini adults. They still have a lot of development to go through.

@Pipstelle yeah at 17 they aren't a mini adult. They are a hair's breadth from being a legal adult and allowed to leave home if they wanted to.

So yes it does strike me as controlling tbh and over the top. I get the 'my house my rules' thing but isn't that for bigger things than where they choose to spend their time in the house? Like being considerate, letting you know when they'll be home etc.

I have a 14 and a 12 year old and neither are allowed tech in their rooms beyond laptops to be used for homework. They both spend most of their time downstairs with us and we watch tv together in the evenings. I have no issue with them being in their rooms but not to be on screens. It’s always been our rule and they have never complained.

My DD is 17 and I still don't see her until shes hungry.

They may not need us in the same way they did when they were younger, but in many ways I think they need our support more as there's more likely to be issues with friendships, relationships, exam stress, peer pressure, body concerns, etc, but if they don't spend time with their parents then we can't really expect them to share their problems with us, and I really don't like the idea of all that going on without us knowing about any of it

@AliMonkey I do agree with this but the way to achieve a good close relationship is to allow them some space to grow up and spend time without you.

My 3 are 18, 16 and 12 and they definitely need me more emotionally than when they were younger. But often they need you around in the background while they do their own thing. My dds can spend long periods of time in their rooms but not all the time. They also enjoy family time, we watch some TV programmes together, go to the cinema or out to eat. We try and eat dinner together most nights and they stay at the table long after finishing eating just to chat.

I think insisting on doing family things or going out when they don't really feel like it will just result in resentment. We need to start preparing our teens for adult life and this includes encouraging them to make their own decisions about things.

Normal in this house. DS is 12 and he's pretty introverted and always like his own space. He's also in the 'I hate you all' phase. We are just annoying /boring/ mean. etc etc. He will come down now and again. Announce he is hungry or bored. I will suggest we all go down the park or the shops. He will look at me like I'm mad and head up the stairs again.
DS2(10) on the other hand doesn't like being in his room as it doesn't contain other people. He actually has a bedroom AND a playroom but chooses to spend his time cluttering up the living room and the kitchen.

Apart from a few people at the extremes, it seems to me that there are things we all agree on - teenagers need opportunities for time alone, they shouldn't be allowed to completely withdraw from family life, parents should have some idea of what their teenagers are up to, they shouldn't be fixed to screens all the time, they need to learn to be independent and make their own decisions and as they get older the boundaries should get wider. What we're disagreeing on I think is where you draw the line and not surprisingly we all do that in different places, same as we do on many decisions regarding our children. That may depend on how we were brought up (with us either copying our parents or vowing to do it differently), our personalities, our children's personalities and practical things like house size/layout. I think some people on here have too few/wide boundaries, some people on here think I have too many/narrow boundaries. What scares me is people who seem to have no boundaries.

My daughter spends a lot of time in her room but it doesn't mean I don't interact with her or spend any time with her. I take her shopping or go for a coffee, or to visit granny or whatever and the best time for talking to her uninterrupted and making some sort of connection is in the car. She can talk to me without fear of anyone else hearing, and without having to make eye contact, which makes it easier for her.

Just because I let her spend hours alone doesn't mean we have no relationship and no boundaries.

I think that as with all families and kids its different depending upon the child and the situation at the time.

We have 3 kids 22, 13 and 11. The oldest is my step daughter, her mum has some mh issues which mean when she's here she likes to be with us, never spent much time in her room etc.

The younger 2 both have ASD (She also has PDA and him ADHD) which means they need a LOT of decompression time... There rooms give them that and I get very pissed with people who assume that we are lax parents because they are often plugged in to tech with headphones on. She also dances (a lot) he plays football (a lot) and they are both active scouts. They also go to school everyday and that is a lot of 'being sociable' for them!! He also cycles and when 'fizzy' is 'encouraged' to go out for a ride.

So, as we have always been child lead ( but remembering we are the parents- activities/ school are non negotiable) My kids socialise on line with their friends and recharge so they can do their other stuff.

watching films together and playing boardgames its just not what is right for my kids. It is for number 1 but not the others.. My son does go to work with my husband, I am a dance and football mum and we are all Disney annual pass holders so do 'family time' in our own way- i think this is the point, we as parents know what is/ isn't right for our kids and its different every time.

Isn't that

Not sure where the rougue isn't that came from!

The other thing we don't do is eat together- again this was massive for our eldest, so important and resolved some eating issues she had. But for the other two they just cannot eat at the table, it us not enjoyable and leads to a lot of stress so we don't.

Well said, @funkystars123. You are absolutely right that you need to take into account your own kids' personalities and issues, and act accordingly, and we generally know better than others what is right for them. Neither of my DC are very sociable either in person or on social media (neither have ever wanted to be on Instagram, Snapchat etc - in fact DD is only on WhatsApp, DS on nothing), though DS does sometimes interact with his RL friends via Fortnite. So I encourage them to arrange to meet friends or even just text their friends for a chat but they rarely do. If sat in his room, DS often just sits there cuddling a soft toy but otherwise doing nothing, and that does worry me as he has major anxiety issues (there's decompression and then there's hours on end thinking and worrying) so encouraging them to spend time with us is about ensuring they aren't lonely and anxious as well as luring them away from their screens and keeping an open relationship going.

Yes, they spend time in their bedrooms, but the doors are kept open unless good reason

Jeez, you don't let your teenagers shut their doors?? Bloody hell, give them some privacy for goodness sake

@PickwickThePlockingDodo, as I said up thread, we don't have a rule about not closing doors, I've never said they can't, they just don't - so I suppose if they did shut them for any length of time I probably would be wondering what they were doing - and if they had already had loads of screen time and I'd told them to stop then I probably would ask them to leave devices outside their rooms if they shut the door. But shutting doors has never been something we've discussed, so I assume it's a case of them liking to be in their rooms but not shut away. As a teen, I can't remember ever shutting my bedroom door (although probably helped that my bedroom was a bit out of the way due to being part of a rather awkwardly laid out extension).

Sounds totally normal IME and looking at friends' teenagers.

I think it's just a natural movement away from being part of the family hive into being more independent and developing their own identity. As a teen I was very content in my bedroom, reading, writing letters to friends, listening to my stereo, practicing dance routines, experimenting with make up. Sometimes I just used to daydream. I really resented my Mum regularly popping her head round the door to 'see what I was up to.' It felt intrusive and unnecessary, and yes rather controlling if I'm honest. I swore I'd never be like that with my children, and I never have. As a result my teens are far more open with me than I was with my Mum because I'm not forcing it and insisting on forced proximity.

I just asked DD14 what she thought about the fact that I pop my head round the door occasionally and insist she doesn't spend all day in her room. She said it was "occasionally annoying when I'm in the middle of something" but definitely not controlling and that if I didn't do it and just left her to it all the time she would think I didn't care. So obviously it's the right thing for us, even if not for other families.

Just keep a close eye on her internet usage, snapchat, insta etc. It takes no time at all for predators to take advantage of children/teens.