My 12 year old daughter only comes downstairs for food is this normal?

[StormyLovesOdd]

Just feeling a bit sad, DD spends all day in her bedroom we don't seem to have much family time anymore, this is a new thing, we've always been really close until the last few months. Whilst we were having breakfast this morning she mentioned she fancied watching ET later. I was really looking forward to watching it together but she's bailed on me and I'm watching it on my own whilst DD is in her bedroom. Is this just normal behaviour for a 12 year old?

I used to do this from about 12, as I enjoyed my own company. Nothing wrong with that. l didn’t have any screens but would listen to music, read and write in my diary etc.

It’s fine. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with her!

My 12yo is like that too. Although, this weekend I've managed a game night and some films out of her.

It’s only normal if you let it become normal.

😂 at the replies.

I'm in my 50's and there was no tech when I was a tween/teen other than my radio cassette player in my room. I spent the majority of my time in there so it's no a new, blame it on tech concept.

Children of this age are going through hormonal changes and are starting to feel peer pressure so it's right that they should be allowed their own space.

As for not allowing their phones upstairs, teens socialise in group chats these days and that's ok. To deny them the privacy to do this is IMO wrong. We have to trust our children and allow them to learn and grow. As long as you've spoken to them about the dangers and you do check in from time to time about their internet usage, I think it's fine.

Now who remembers the 70/80s as a teen and the great Sunday afternoons recording the top 40 and dancing around your bedroom and then feeling very put out when your parents requested you came down for dinner because they'd not seen you all day

Haven't seen DS 14 for about three years!

My DD 12 is exactly the same. It's perfectly normal imo although I have found it very hard each time. It feels like it happens overnight and it's the rejection that's horrible when they used to love being with you. It's part of becoming independent and they relate much more to their peers than mum or dad. I found that once they get to 18 or 19 they come back!

Yes I spent hours flicking through Just 17, making myself up like Madonna (no one was allowed to witness this) and taping the top 40 😁

Of course ds is far more interested in what someone on YouTube or his friends have to say than what I have to say - what do I know about anything 😆

Preferring to be in her room is quite normal but I would be cautious about what she’s accessing on her iPad as there are a lot of manipulative people online. Are you able to got on her iPad and do you ever check her browsing history? I’m all for young people having privacy but I’m also aware that they can be taken advantage off and I’d rather have a sulking child that I knew is safe than discover they’ve been groomed by someone dubious.

I was exactly the same at the age, except we had no tech so I was just up there reading.
I emerged around 18 I think

My dd is almost 13 and is definitely in her room most of the time! However, she has asd so lots of alone time to decompress is important for her. She mostly goes on her phone/tablet and draws (paper or iPad or drawing tablet). She comes down for food, cuddles and to bake 😊.

Oh I never want this to happen :(

I did this when I wasn't out with my friends from 11 years old. I had a tv and hi fi. I even took meals upstairs sometimes. I read, watched tv or listened to (pretty loud) music (I'm 40 now so no internet or phones etc)
I'm glad I was given the space and time to have my own privacy. Teenage years are hard to navigate.

Another one who lived in my room a lot when I was a teenager. No tech back then so I was mainly reading or writing. Nothing was wrong at all, I just liked my solitude and nowadays I can’t imagine wanting to live with other people.

We always ate as a family, I was happy to go out with them & I knew I could always talk to my parents.

DD just turned 12 and no sign of her disappearing yet. Like others I did that as a teenager and would listen to the radio and dream about marrying Mark Owen etc. no tech allowed in rooms here and dinner is at the table.

13 year old here, often in her room but I have a couple of rules .... meals eaten together and at 8:30-9pm she comes downstairs and we spend an hour or the rest of the evening together.

I limit her screen time to between 2.5-3 hours a day.

Fairly normal with my teens. I remember being the same at that age, wasn’t up to anything, just reading or watching tv. We also watch some movies and series together.

Also we’re all introverts in our house.. so we all need time to decompress and be alone, especially after “peopling”.

Mine don’t do this. Yes, they spend time on gadgets in their rooms but they also spend time with us.
We watch tv together most evenings and they’re still happy to hang out with us and go out too.

@AliMonkey you sound very intrusive. I think it’s important to give them their privacy and not keep pestering them. I think it’s a very normal thing for teenagers to spend their time in their bedroom OP. We currently have a 25 year old at home (he’s in process of buying his own house) and a 21 year old. They come and chat with us but also spend a lot of time in their respective bedrooms, where they have tv’s and play stations.

We just don't let them. I have 15/17 year olds and they are not allowed to disappear into their rooms; they can do their homework up there (though the 15 year old chooses to do it in the kitchen and the 17 year old does half the time). But the rest of the time they have to be in the shared space.

Sounds like my 13yr old dd.
She’s usually out With friends and some point, then when she comes home she will be in her room. I can hear her either FaceTiming friends or online on her Xbox.
She does come down to eat or to chat now and then. I think it’s pretty normal for this age.

I'm sorry but there's no way in the world my daughter or son would be upstairs alone with their tablet on the internet alone like that.

Normal here. My dd same age spends most of her time in her room. She doesn’t watch tv so can amuse herself up there for most of the day. I did get her out for a walk today but she moaned the whole way. It’s hard and I don’t think it’s healthy so I encourage her to do other things but some days she just wants her own space.

My oldest child was like this at that age but she’s grown to be a lovely adult so I’m trying not to worry that her siblings are doing it too. But I try to strike a fine balance - I don’t let them be alone all day and unless it’s really raining I try to get them to come outside with me for some fresh air but I respect that they want to be alone for parts of the day exactly like I did when I was that age. Forcing them to be in a shared space sounds quite controlling tbh

@Yetanotherwinter and @Pipandmum

Quite shocked that I'm being accused of being intrusive and controlling and would like to understand what I am seen as doing wrong:

1. Pop my head round the door and check they are OK?
2. Show an interest in what they are doing? I don't want a blow by blow account, but not unreasonable to eg ask occasionally what they are watching on YouTube - all the advice is to keep an eye on what they watch to make sure they aren't getting into iffy stuff. Surely none of you would just think it was OK to have no idea what they were watching or doing ever - they could be being groomed, watching porn, being encouraged to harm themselves.
3. Make sure they aren't too unhealthy by ensuring they get at least a bit of exercise and fresh air and don't spend all their day on their screens?
4. Avoid piles of dirty plates and mould due to food leftovers in rooms as seems to happen in many teenage bedrooms?
5. Want to spend time with them?

I am pretty confident that my kids would not say I was intrusive and controlling. They would though say I was stricter than some of their friends’ parents about screen time and actually DD has said “my Mum won’t let me” as an excuse when she didn’t want to do something and that was fine by me (though I’d obviously prefer her to feel she could just be honest with her friends). DD did also say to me once “XX’s parents don’t seem to care about her at all” because XX basically no boundaries.

Or is it the open door thing? Tbh, we don't have a rule, it's just the way things are. If they closed their door for any length of time, I probably would knock and ask what they were up to (in an "I'm interested" way not "You must be up to no good"), but I wouldn’t just burst in unless I had reason to be concerned.