My 12 year old daughter only comes downstairs for food is this normal?

[StormyLovesOdd]

Just feeling a bit sad, DD spends all day in her bedroom we don't seem to have much family time anymore, this is a new thing, we've always been really close until the last few months. Whilst we were having breakfast this morning she mentioned she fancied watching ET later. I was really looking forward to watching it together but she's bailed on me and I'm watching it on my own whilst DD is in her bedroom. Is this just normal behaviour for a 12 year old?

I think some tech is ok, well for me it is. But with appropriate controls and a 2 -2.5 hr daily limit. Without that my 13 year old would be addicted to her tech!

My dd is also like that op. She'll happily stay in bed either reading or on her tablet, if left to her own devices.

I sometimes go up after an hour to suggest she does something else, like piano practice or anything that isn't screen related. She'll do so without much protest as long as I give her sufficient warning.

I hope you can find ways to interact more with you.

Perfectly normal for teens to lock themselves in their rooms often online with friends as that’s how they seem to “hang out” a lot these days. They need to be given privacy and have the ability to shut doors and have messy rooms! 12 is young I would still be checking her online use at this age.

I think it’s important to also make sure you spend time together, but some of the responses on here are very controlling like insisting on spending all time in shared spaces.

@EmpressLesbianInChair I’d say yes but within reason. It’s not healthy for anyone, whatever their age, to spend hours on end locked away on their own without human interaction and it’s so important to keep the lines of communication open with teens. That isn’t easy if you never see them.

17 year old not allowed to spend time in their room? Really?

I am quite introverted and would have lost my mind, if my parents would have made me spend time with them; everyone needs their space. Thankfully they did not do that.

Yeah mine are, but I do make them do family stuff or come out with me,but when at home, they try and hole themselves away a lot

No screens upstairs in my house, and screen time (inc phone use) is limited to about an hour a day, bar occasional family film watching.

As a result, they're sometimes under feet more than I'd like, but they're around to have chats with us/interact with each other, and still go to their rooms to have a mooch if they need some down time - reading, pottering around.

Using internet-connected screens unsupervised for prolonged periods of time was flagged up as a massive issue on a recent school safeguarding training I went on. It made me feel less doubtful about our own household rules, even though they're not the norm.

And aside from that, I really agree with @Watchagotcha - there's a huge difference between doing creative stuff/unwinding/reading in their rooms, and just sitting endlessly on a screen. She's only 12 - I'd really advise you to put better boundaries in place for her wellbeing, regardless of whether she still then wants to read/paint whatever in her room.

@EmpressLesbianInChair

I totally think preteens should have privacy. If DS was going off to his room to read, to make mix tapes, to listen to the radio and learn song lyrics from Smash Hits (like i did) I’d be very happy! If he was interested in coding, making YouTube videos of his own, building stuff like Rasberry Pi, reading or doing puzzle books or colouring or science experiments or listen to music etc I’d be perfectly happy for him to be in his room for as long as he wanted. We live in an apartment, he’s never far from the bosom of the Kirk, so to speak.

But he doesn’t want to do any of these things if a screen is available. Left to his own devices he would be roaming endlessly around YouTube , watching anime / manga, texting friends. For hours and hours.

I did an experiment yesterday, and just left him to it. His little brother had friends round, they were being a bit noisy in the living room so DS retreated to his room with IPad, phone and headphones. It was his usual screen time anyway. Instead of telling him time was up after a couple of hours, I just left him to it. 5 hours later he emerged, having continuously watched YouTube / anime cartoons, and text / chatted with friends. Other than a bit of social interaction, that was five pointless wasted hours. He didn’t learn anything or practice anything or make anything or exercise a single muscle other than his eyeballs and his thumbs. We won’t be doing that again!