Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

My 12 year old daughter only comes downstairs for food is this normal?

158 replies

StormyLovesOdd · 15/12/2019 14:38

Just feeling a bit sad, DD spends all day in her bedroom we don't seem to have much family time anymore, this is a new thing, we've always been really close until the last few months. Whilst we were having breakfast this morning she mentioned she fancied watching ET later. I was really looking forward to watching it together but she's bailed on me and I'm watching it on my own whilst DD is in her bedroom. Is this just normal behaviour for a 12 year old?

OP posts:
Itstheprinciple · 16/12/2019 19:41

My DD does disappear into her room for a few hours usually on a lazy Sunday if we've nothing else planned. She's often doing make up or making tik toks (doesn't often post them except to friends). But having said that, she has disappeared into her room for hours since she was about 7 or 8 and would make up all kinds of elaborate stories involving Barbies! She often disappears upstairs to facetime friends which is fine by me as I hate listening into the random conversations! Although sometimes she'll go on the kitchen or the other room. And this is only the sane as me spending hours in my room on the land-line gossiping to the people I'd just spent 7 hours with so nothing new there!

I remember spending hours in my room, with my Take That posters, listening to music, watching TV or videos, or playing on my Sega mega drive!

Bluerussian · 16/12/2019 21:21

peaceanddove Mon 16-Dec-19 16:08:44
Sounds totally normal IME and looking at friends' teenagers.

I think it's just a natural movement away from being part of the family hive into being more independent and developing their own identity. As a teen I was very content in my bedroom, reading, writing letters to friends, listening to my stereo, practicing dance routines, experimenting with make up. Sometimes I just used to daydream. I really resented my Mum regularly popping her head round the door to 'see what I was up to.' It felt intrusive and unnecessary, and yes rather controlling if I'm honest. I swore I'd never be like that with my children, and I never have. As a result my teens are far more open with me than I was with my Mum because I'm not forcing it and insisting on forced proximity.
........
Sounds good to me, peace, and my childhood home life and mother mirrors yours.

Popping head around door occasionally is alright as long there is a knock first and of course it does depend on what is meant by 'occasionally'. If it is two or three times every day or evening I would think that's a bit much.

IdiotInDisguise · 16/12/2019 21:29

DS started doing that at that age. I introduced the rule that if he wants dinner he has to keep me company while I cook. Otherwise we never talk to each other.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Ronnie27 · 16/12/2019 21:37

Does this mean mean I’m going to get my house back in a few years and my living room will no longer be full of loud messy boys lounging around and eating everything? Result! Grin

IdiotInDisguise · 16/12/2019 22:10

Yes, that’s correct. And at that point you will start missing them like hell...

Newnamexxx · 16/12/2019 22:32

Mine used to be glued to my side but gradually over the last couple of years, she has stopped wanting to be with me so much. I’m resigned to it and we do still have “our time” where we just laugh so much at really silly things so not totally bad. I do think you have to let them go and have their own “me” time, hopefully they’ll come back when they’re ready Smile

peaceanddove · 16/12/2019 22:41

Thank you bluerussian. I just felt resentful at the regular enquiries from my Mum, because let's face it there's only so many things you can realistically get up to in a suburban bedroom in the eighties! As I got older I was very tempted to reply to the regular 'what are you up to?' with an ever increasing list of outrageous replies e.g just been abducted by aliens or working on a sub atomic particle accelerator.

The question you need to ask is 'are you poking your head round their door several times a day because you want to, or because they want you to? The final proof of course will be when your child is a parent with teens. Watch to see if they routinely feel the need to disturb their own children in their rooms? I strongly suspect they won't.

BubblesBuddy · 16/12/2019 22:52

Mine hardly ever went to their rooms other than to sleep. None of their friends existed like this either. Maybe we have a house large enough for us to spread out in whilst still being in contact with each other. Obviously we were not a normal family judging by the sentiments on here. I have a feeling my DDs wouldn’t want any children of theirs being in their rooms for hours. We have always talked and enjoyed films and entertainment together.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 17/12/2019 18:17

My 3 siblings & I had a bedroom each - for which I was terribly, terribly grateful because I would have really loathed sharing - and a living room as shared space. If I wanted to do anything quietly, my room was the only option.

I think my parents got that it was sometimes a choice between leaving me to read etc in peace on my own or having me in company glaring at anyone who made a noise.

Bluerussian · 17/12/2019 18:53

BubblesBuddy, it does make a difference if you have a bigger house and two or more sitting rooms; they'll still like their own room as a private space but will entertain friends in other rooms without too much interference from parents.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 19/12/2019 12:14

We have always talked and enjoyed films and entertainment together.

Which is lovely & we did that when I was a child too - but it still begs the question of what children in a relatively small house do if they want some quiet / private time.

AdobeWanKenobi · 19/12/2019 12:20

I spent years up there, from about 9. I'd spend hours with my records and reading books.
I think I turned out reasonably normal

QuickstepQueen · 19/12/2019 12:56

I think she is starting early but yes normal I’d say.

ifonly4 · 19/12/2019 15:23

Do you have any other concerns? My friend's son has spent a few years hibernating in his bedroom, withdrawing from friends the result being he had no friends to go out with even if he wanted. At the age of 17 he opened up that he wasn't happy, went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression. Not saying this is going to happen to your DD, but just be aware if any of the above rings true.

TowerRingInferno · 19/12/2019 15:26

My 12 yo is the same.
His older brother went through this phase too but now likes to spend time with me in the evening, so there may be light at the end of the tunnel.

Celebritydave · 19/12/2019 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Watchagotcha · 21/12/2019 20:03

Tech and screens are the game changer here. Those of you saying that you spent lots of time in your rooms reading, dancing, phoning friends in the landline, drawing, colouring, watching tv etc... None of these activities compares to being left to spend unlimited, unsupervised amounts of time on YouTube, WhatsApp, Netflix etc. It’s apples and oranges.

Pre-teens spending time alone to read, write, draw and be creative, or watch tv as it was 25 yrs ago: no problem. Pre-teens spending hours browsing unsupervised YouTube, Netflix, etc or gaming or “chatting” with similarly unsupervised friends = risky, very risky.

Tech muddies the waters so much. I don’t actually object to my 12 yr old wanting time alone in his room. If he wanted to spend hours reading or drawing, no problem! But I do object to him spending hours watching anime or YouTube, unsupervised. so I don’t let him do that.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 22/12/2019 08:40

Pre-teens spending time alone to read, write, draw and be creative, or watch tv as it was 25 yrs ago: no problem. Pre-teens spending hours browsing unsupervised YouTube, Netflix, etc or gaming or “chatting” with similarly unsupervised friends = risky, very risky.

Ok, I see your point on that.

Thehagonthehillwithtinsel · 22/12/2019 08:52

My DD does this.Certainly last year I saw little of her except for an hour before bedtime.But since she produced good GCSE results all is well.
She spends less time alone this year but when she's away I miss the singing from her room in the background.
Her bedroom door is closed to retain heat or exclude the cats who seem to like to sleep on her artwork.
And at 16 she has finally started reading fiction so I am encouraging that!

Juanbablo · 22/12/2019 08:55

12 yr old ds1 will spend some time in his room if he's on the PS4 but if he's on his phone he is downstairs. This isn't particularly a rule we have put in place, it's just what he chooses to do. Which is fine with me! But I gather it is quite normal for children of this age to spend lots of time in their room and certainly I was the same at age 12.

Juanbablo · 22/12/2019 08:56

Also I don't generally allow food in their bedrooms so meals are taken downstairs with the rest of us. I don't mind the occasional snack or drink, which they will take up when they have friends over.

MuttsNutts · 22/12/2019 09:05

My DS is now 18 and at university. When growing up he never had tech or TV in his room. His Xbox was in the sitting room and phones and laptops were only used downstairs. As a result, even when engrossed in an online game with his mates I was always around and we would communicate (even if only mundane stuff). Friends of mine used to complain they never saw their teens because they were shut away in their rooms and if they were honest or realistic would have said they had no idea what they were doing up there or who they were talking to.

When DC are little, as parents we have drummed into us that they should never have unrestricted access to the internet and we should always be aware of what they are doing and who they are talking to. At what point does that go out of the window? It seems very common both on MN and in RL that just as they hit puberty and discover social media, they are then allowed to disappear into their own little world with unfettered access to the internet.

My DS may have had the occasional grumble about not being allowed tech upstairs but that’s all, because he knew it wasn’t going to change and my reasons. I’ve asked him recently what he will do when he has DC and he says he’ll do exactly the same.

I’m all for DC developing independence and having room to make their own mistakes but allowing them free internet access and letting them lock themselves away from their families really isn’t healthy or wise IMO.

MuttsNutts · 22/12/2019 09:07

And those that compare teenagers today locking themselves away with the internet to when they were their age and used to sit in their rooms reading, drawing or daydreaming are dangerously naive.

anxioussue · 22/12/2019 09:12

The only reason my teens are downstairs is that the Xbox has to be in the lounge

EmpressLesbianInChair · 22/12/2019 09:14

And those that compare teenagers today locking themselves away with the internet to when they were their age and used to sit in their rooms reading, drawing or daydreaming are dangerously naive.

Someone made exactly the same point a few posts up. So it’s still fine for kids / teens to have their privacy as long as they have it without tech?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread