My 12 year old daughter only comes downstairs for food is this normal?

[StormyLovesOdd]

Just feeling a bit sad, DD spends all day in her bedroom we don't seem to have much family time anymore, this is a new thing, we've always been really close until the last few months. Whilst we were having breakfast this morning she mentioned she fancied watching ET later. I was really looking forward to watching it together but she's bailed on me and I'm watching it on my own whilst DD is in her bedroom. Is this just normal behaviour for a 12 year old?

I was like this before we even had internet and I didn't have a tv in my room either. I just liked my own space and now see it as the start of me breaking away from the family unit and becoming an independent person.

My mother would suggest us going out to the cinema or what I was interested in so we still had time together. We also went to the library once a week or Blockbuster together and chatted on the way back.

I will say though, there is nothing worse than spending time with a teenager who doesn't want to be there. I am an introvert and even to this day I get twitchy if i have to sit in a room with family for hours at a time.

I kind of agree with AliMonkey

Yes my 12_nearly 13 yr old son is exactly the same

I think teens and preteens did this long before tech was invented - I certainly liked spending alot of time on my own, daydreaming or reading.
My 14 year old spends alot of time in her room but the door is generally open and I can hear her giggling with her friends online or watching a movie or doing her art or in term time homework. If I suggest going out she's happy to come (unless it's Tesco)! She does a couple activities outside of home and meets up with her mates occasionally and we always spend the hole evening together.
I wonder if this is more of a girl thing - my son is always out and about and can barely spend an hour on his own or without making a heck of alot of noise!

@AliMonkey I think not letting a 14 year old have some private time (more than just an hour) is quite controlling. Let her have her own thoughts and day dreams.

My brother and I did this once we hit secondary school. And so did our friends. It's the becoming a teenager thing.

The only thing stopping my 12 year old from doing the same is that she hasn't got her own room, it's a tiny box room she shares with her younger sister. So instead she plugs into her phone on the end of the sofa and does her own thing, or has been known to sit in the bathroom for some solitude (sooner we can buy a bigger home the better).

No screens upstairs here.

My 15 year old would be the same if I allowed TVs and PS4 in his bedroom. But I don't. It does mean that our living room is taken over several hours a day, but I can potter about and chat to him. If he wants privacy or just to be left alone then he stretches out on the sofa and wraps himdelf in a blanket

Didn't Tracy Barlow go to her room and appear about 6 years later apparently a different person?

@MikeUniformMike yes, but I think Nick Platt went upstairs as one boy and came down another.

My daughter is 13 and is similar. I wouldn't dream of forcing her to keep her door open or whatever because she's as entitled to privacy as anyone else. She mostly does her homework and draws, either on paper or on her iPad. Or maybe watches something on Netflix or YouTube. We talk to her a lot about online safety and she knows that I can and will check up on her to an extent. I am confident that she is not chatting to strangers because she is incredibly quiet and doesn't even particularly like messaging her friends.

I spent my teenage years in my bedroom too. Only came downstairs if I wanted to watch something on TV.

OK I agree that people did it before tech and kids do need to grow away from their parents but with tech upstairs there is little need to emerge from bedroom Op ddwas probably watching ET alone upstairs. I bet they would have all preferred to watch it together.

Nick Platt went upstairs for a bit and came back down having aged about 12 years. He wasn't 12 when he went upstairs though.

I wouldn't let my dd do that tbh, she's 13yo and isn't allowed screens/phones in her room. She still spends too much time on her phone but at least she's in the same room as me!

Op have you told her how you feel? Why don't you put some limits on the screen time?

I have a 12 abs a 15 year old and neither do that. They have a 90 mins a day screen time limit though, which might be the root of it.

Yes, same thing here with 12yo ds. I seem to remember doing almost exactly the same thing at that age too, and we had no tech back then. I spent my time reading, drawing or talking on the phone (extendable loooooong cord) to friends. I think it's completely normal.

Ted27 I can't seen how stretching out on the sofa in the living room is having privacy or alone time?

@alimonkey, I totally see where you’re coming from but my Dad was very much like you are with me and my brother and I had very little space when I was growing up. It just felt a bit claustrophobic, sometimes I did just want to chill out in my room for a bit and didn’t get why friends parents seemed so much more chilled about it than mine. My friend’s Mum used to joke that being at their house was like a holiday for me and it was a bit. Nooone needed to know where I was and what I was doing all the time.

DD is 10 so we’re approaching this stage now and i’d like to think we’ll be a bit more laid back about time out in her room than my Dad was.

I’m not having a dig, just giving my experience of being at the other end of it.

We have no screens or tech in bedrooms. It has turned into a very relaxing space for them where they truly disconnect and unwind. So they disappear in there but not as much as their peers and they join us a bit more. Screens are a common denominator in my opinion.

DS1 (12) is starting to spend more time in his bedroom, he can take his phone or the laptop in there to play games for an hour or two but not all day and not overnight. If not gaming then he reads, draws, listens to music etc.

He does come down for meals and once or twice a week we watch a TV programme together.

I wouldn't dream of telling him he can't shut his door or has to come downstairs after an arbitrary amount of time. I didn't have my own room until I was 16 and found the lack of privacy / space very stressful so always wanted to give my DC a peaceful room of their own they can retreat to whenever they feel the need.

Not normal at all, people just seem to accept it as 'this what they do at this age.'

OP, I'm sure you've tried all this but don't give up. Try and engage her in as much time together as possible, even if you're just in the same room but doing different things. It's so easy to lose touch otherwise.

And I would not allow unfettered screen time in her room alone.

Have you asked her about why she prefers her own company?

Ds is 13 and comes down for food (fairly regularly). He talks to his friends on his Xbox I his room. He goes out more when the weather is better. Teenagers want to spend more time with their peers. I do make him come down and eat with us and do some other things such as walk the dogs from time to time with us

My DSD does this and she's 12 but I think because she is ASD with severe anxiety it's sometimes worse than for others.
It's been like walking on egg shells for everyone all weekend, she just seems so unhappy and on edge but will NEVER talk about why.
Waiting for big meltdown soon and then we may get to bottom of it. Tick... Tick... Tick.

Have you asked her about why she prefers her own company?

But what's wrong with preferring her own company? Why should she have to justify it?

This is a reply typed by my 12 year old daughter:

Hi I am 12 years old and my advice to you would be to talk to your daughter. If this was very rare then it wouldn't be so concerning but as this is happening a lot it may just be a really good idea to talk to your daughter. It doesn't have to be about this situation, it can just be a normal conversation about school or her friends or even a hobby.

If you talk to her more and more she may open up about her feelings or whatever is bothering her. If my mum didn't stop me from getting into this habit of being in my room and in my own world then I probably would feel very lonely and isolated from my family.

I am typing this message and it will hopefully help you and your daughter. And also by letting your daughter be on technology all day every day, she will naturally close herself off from her family.

The conversations you have don't have to be long ones, but just talk. Her being away from you in her room all day every day isn't normal. Being 12 is really hard and confusing and even when I am miserable and really grumpy, my mum is there. Please talk to her.

We have the Xbox in the living room

Even when ds has no phone or iPad he wants his own space perfectly normal and I don’t mind him spending some time alone watching something on the iPad or chatting with his friends

He is wanting his own space more. Yes I miss my little cuddly happy boy but he is growing up becoming his own person I’m not needed quite as much - that’s how it should be and that great he is showing his independence

No.

But I don’t allow TVs/ laptops/ phones/ iPads in bedrooms.