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Original poster

Currently in a stand-off with my teenager

132 replies

Sewbean · 18/11/2019 21:57

I have his phone and will not be giving it to him until he lets me see his French homework. His results in French have been pretty bad recently.

I'm not sure why he has chosen to make such a massive thing about this. He has been coming in and out of his room to rant about it since 8.30pm. That's almost 90 minutes he has wasted. He's been standing in the room whining non stop since 9.45, it's now 9.55 and he's still here going on about how horrible I am. I haven't said a single word. He knows very clearly what he needs to do, I am not backing down, I am not arguing.

I am however quietly going mad with the noise of him droning on and on. Usually he has given in long before this, I'm not sure what's got into him.

God he's hard work just now.

OP posts:
PastTippingPoint · 18/11/2019 22:01

Wine For you. No experience here (DD is only 3!) But I would 100% stand my ground!

DinkyDaisy · 18/11/2019 22:02

Time for bed now?
I wonder whether you should just leave it tonight.
Let him defuse and get yourself a glass of wine, cup of tea, chocolate- whatever your poison.
This needs to deescalate I think.
Breath....

DramaAlpaca · 18/11/2019 22:03

Solidarity OP. Stand your ground. Here's another Wine while you wait.

Brenna24 · 18/11/2019 22:03

Well done for standing your ground. I am currently in a stand off with a 22 month old who will not unlatch from my boob and go to sleep properly.

DinkyDaisy · 18/11/2019 22:04

How old is he?
My 14 year olds phone charges in a different room to his bedroom overnight.
However, his friends think I am an ogre consequently.

DocusDiplo · 18/11/2019 22:06

Seems like a no win situation. Stand offs are not good for anyone.
I'd probably let him do the HW in the AM.

helpmum2003 · 18/11/2019 22:06

Well done OP. It's so hard..

phoolani · 18/11/2019 22:07

Jesus, you too? If it makes you feel better the ranting will soon give way to not speaking to you, which is where dd and I are currently at. It’s a blessed relief when they hit you with the silent treatment. Given that she can’t ask me to do anything for her either, I almost feel like I’m on holiday 🙃

DramaAlpaca · 18/11/2019 22:10

No, she can't back down or her darling teenager will walk all over her next time. She needs to stay calm & stay strong.

I've had three teenage boys, I know exactly what they are like Grin

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/11/2019 22:10

When is the homework due in? Tomorrow I assume? If not, I think you were being a bit harsh. But too late to back down now mahbe

Original poster
Sewbean · 18/11/2019 22:10

He is nearly 14.
All he has to do is hand over his French book.
All gadgets have to be out in the hall by 10pm anyway so he's got nothing to lose now.

I've said he can't have his phone tomorrow morning either if he hasn't given me his book.

I'm regretting that, I really thought that would make him back down. But it hasn't. He is really determined tonight. Wtf is wrong with him?

He's in his bedroom now but still no French book. I can't give him his phone in the morning though, I just can't back down. Can I? If I do it makes all this shit have been for nothing. Or have I made my point tonight. I can't decide. Determined toddlers were way easier than this. In fact this is like dealing with a determined toddler all over again.

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 18/11/2019 22:14

No, you cannot back down! Stay strong! Even when he tells you he will look stupid in front of his mates or he 'needs it for school'. Do not give in now!

Original poster
Sewbean · 18/11/2019 22:16

It's not homework he needs to do.
It started off as a reasonably civil conversation about how he's not doing so well in French right now.

I asked if I could see his jotter so I can see what's going on and he point blank refused.

I'm not sure how it ended like this. I'm assuming there is something in there he doesn't want me to see.

Usually if I ask him to do xyz he will, if not straight away he will do it after the threat of losing his phone. Today for some reason he just wouldn't give in. I guess he's doing much worse than I think.

I have offered a couple of compromises, a couple of ways for him to back down without completely losing face but he will not give in.

I so don't need this in my life right now.

There is going to be another mega row in the morning if I don't hand over his phone before he goes to school. I can't believe how far he has pushed this.

OP posts:
AndWhatNext · 18/11/2019 22:17

Stay strong

DramaAlpaca · 18/11/2019 22:18

Yes, in some ways teenagers are just overgrown toddlers.

I'll say it again, don't back down! Give the phone back after school & not a minute before.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 18/11/2019 22:18

Maybe he’s struggling in french? Could you help him?

mineofuselessinformation · 18/11/2019 22:18

Don't give him his phone back in the morning - stick by your decision.
Repeat after me:
'Yes, I'm horrible because I want you to do your homework'
'You won't get your phone back until you've done your homework'
'you could have got your homework done by now if you'd stopped moaning about it'
All in your head of course....
And tell him if he's prepared to go to bed now and let you wake him up early tomorrow so he can get it done then he can get his phone back.
Good luck!
P.S. they do eventually turn into human beings!!!!

EndOfSchoolLooming · 18/11/2019 22:19

It’s a blessed relief when they hit you with the silent treatment

This, in spades (with my 15 yo).

Stand your ground, OP, hideous though it may feel.

FloreanFortescue · 18/11/2019 22:20

You'll get it thrown at you soon as some mark of protest but also defeat. Stay strong Gin

Original poster
Sewbean · 18/11/2019 22:21

"Maybe he’s struggling in french? Could you help him*

He is struggling in french. That's why I want to look at the work he is doing to see what I can do to help him, either by helping him myself (I speak French) or pointing him in the right direction of questions to ask at school.

But he has gone from fairly rationally discussing his problems to completely irrationally refusing to let me see his jotter, even if it means no phone.

OP posts:
APerkyPumpkin · 18/11/2019 22:21

Just say 'non mon cherie' and really wind him up.

ChachyFace · 18/11/2019 22:24

Why do you need to see his French homework? Do you mean he needs to prove to you that he's done it?
If so, I'm not sure this is the way to develop good study habits. It has escalated beyond reason and someone needs to be the adult and get things back in perspective. You know you have gone too far and are issuing threats you do not want to follow through, in order to 'prove' your authority. You are just making homework a battleground. (Not saying he doesn't sound like an arse.)
If he hadn't done the homework, agree a plan for when he will do it, give him his phone back.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 18/11/2019 22:25

If he thinks he's failing at French, is he ashamed of his work and doesn't want to show you? Is it making him feel anxious?
Those feelings may well express as anger, stubbornness and diverting tactics i.e he feels safer having a stand-off with you than facing up to his French work.
Don't back down, give him a clear route out to tackle it. Perhaps - give me your book, whether the work is done or not. I don't care how bad your marks are or how little you've done, just hand the book over, let me look and we'll make a plan to deal with it. And then you can have your phone back.

Woopdewoop · 18/11/2019 22:26

Lots of good advice here. I have a 14 and 16 yr old ds. Don’t back down and give the phone back now you’ve said that. Stick to your guns. Accept that he may not do well for a bit if he is refusing to let you see the work and see what happens. The consequences will be his when he has to explain at school. I’m a big fan of letting the teacher know when they inevitably contact me about non completed homework on a regular basis. My son’s not 😁..... all very hard had this with my eldest. The noise is truly awful 🍷 good luck

Starlight456 · 18/11/2019 22:27

Yes I suspect there is more he doesn’t want you to see .

I did about 3 pages in history one year 😳.

My Ds ifbut makes you feel better was spoiling for an argument so I sent him to his room . He still kept coming out in attempts to push my buttons 🙄