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Currently in a stand-off with my teenager

132 replies

Sewbean · 18/11/2019 21:57

I have his phone and will not be giving it to him until he lets me see his French homework. His results in French have been pretty bad recently.

I'm not sure why he has chosen to make such a massive thing about this. He has been coming in and out of his room to rant about it since 8.30pm. That's almost 90 minutes he has wasted. He's been standing in the room whining non stop since 9.45, it's now 9.55 and he's still here going on about how horrible I am. I haven't said a single word. He knows very clearly what he needs to do, I am not backing down, I am not arguing.

I am however quietly going mad with the noise of him droning on and on. Usually he has given in long before this, I'm not sure what's got into him.

God he's hard work just now.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 19/11/2019 10:23

I have handled this badly and will need to think differently when things like this come up in future.

Honestly, don't be afraid to admit this to your DS. It's ok for parents to be fallible. We all get it wrong sometimes.

I find that admitting my mistakes opens up a dialogue between me and dd which we probably wouldn't have otherwise.

HeyMissyYouSoFine · 19/11/2019 10:29

What he wants- for me to call the school and ask for him to be moved to a different French class

I can see the school really not being keen on moving classes around - they are not going to want people moving and ending up with uneven class numbers. It's going to be getting through that that option is very unlikely to be a viable one.

Yesanother · 19/11/2019 10:31

I agree with mrsmuddlepie. I said something along those lines upthread but less eloquently.

I’m confused though as last night you said you couldn’t stand to keep this up any longer and would return the phone. Your feelings and his response show how frustrated and misunderstood you both feel. Bottom line, you and your ds have a shared goal to help him with his French yet you’re arguing over his book and a phone. Ultimately you’re moving further away from the shared goal, not toward it.

Personally I would contact the school and say he’s reluctant to let you look inside, ask the school for resources and information and whatever else I said upthread.

spacepyramid · 19/11/2019 10:36

I think all parents of teenagers, certainly me, have handled things badly at times - they don't come with an instruction book and at best we can do what we think is right at the time, making it up as we go. It's easy to read a thread and say oh I'd do this but we might not if actually faced with the situation.

bruffin · 19/11/2019 10:42

What he wants- for me to call the school and ask for him to be moved to a different French class
I got ds moved to a different class in MFL . He is dyslexic and the teacher wasn't very good for him. I wrote explained issue and they moved him. He was much happier amid work improved

YourOpinionIsNoted · 19/11/2019 10:55

No school I've worked in would move a student for the reasons you've described, it would be incredibly undermining for the teacher, and sets a terrible precedent - what if five more kids wanted to move? Ten?

I would not be giving the phone back, op. Or I'd give it back but without the SIM card and change the WiFi password at home. But I'm petty and stubborn as fuck Grin

UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 19/11/2019 10:56

Don’t give back his phone. Say nothing, don’t ask for the hotter but just let him go without for a few days. It really won’t hurt him.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 19/11/2019 10:57

I’d go a step further and only converse with him in French Grin

YourOpinionIsNoted · 19/11/2019 11:02

Give him a picture of his phone? In a frame? A nice frame, maybe heart shaped. Tell him that of he's going to be ridiculous, so are you.

You could add little message shaped bubbles to the frame every day. "Missing you", "Can't wait to be home". By day three start doing them in French. I would have a lot of fun with this tbh.

666onmyhead · 19/11/2019 11:02

I’d go a step further and only converse with him in French

This Is brilliant !!!

YourOpinionIsNoted · 19/11/2019 11:06

Or something like this??

Currently in a stand-off with my teenager
HeyMissyYouSoFine · 19/11/2019 11:16

I would be trying to de-escalate the situation not prolong.

I'd give the phone back this evening if he brought it up and after a civil conversation about the French.

If not the day after in the morning probably with a stern reminder that it's a luxury that I'm paying for.

If he can come up with reasons like bruffin it may be worth trying to get him moved otherwise it's getting to accept this is the class and teacher and it's now how he goes forward that's important - perhaps the on-line sites where his learning is more independent might be okay with him.

Wolfiefan · 19/11/2019 11:16

Some of these suggestions are massively antagonistic.
Unfortunately teens sometimes dig themselves a hole and then can’t find a way out. He doesn’t want you to see the book. You won’t give the phone back until he does.
What’s the way out? Instead of trying to force him into a position he really doesn’t want i would try a new approach. You’ll give the phone back when he comes and talks to you about what’s going on and why he’s reacted the way he has. Then say nothing. Let him decide when he’s cooled off enough to chat.
Then be careful. Think about how you speak to him and how you react to how he speaks to you. It would be easy for it all to blow up again. But the bottom line is he’s not happy and you want to help him.
Good luck.

YourOpinionIsNoted · 19/11/2019 11:35

If not the day after in the morning probably with a stern reminder that it's a luxury that I'm paying for.

But what's the point in this if you give it back whenever he throws a wobbly? Here is this luxury that I'm paying for, you can have it even though you've disobeyed me and treated me like shit?

Turning it into something ridiculous gives the opportunity for de-escalation, without giving in.

HeyMissyYouSoFine · 19/11/2019 11:53

Here is this luxury that I'm paying for, you can have it even though you've disobeyed me and treated me like shit?

My kids aren't my enemy.

I've certainly not suggested giving in to a "wobbly" - they get it back after a calm talk or day after when they are calm.

The phone is a seperate issue to the French.

They'll have gone without the phone for a period of time and the clear implication is if they keep pushing boundaries with it ie wanting it longer than they may end up losing it. That tends to work with our children - makes them stop and think - but there is a strong history - if you don't behave we will leave or won't do x and doing so.

I don't get everything right with my teens at all - but having been in these type of situations I've found it works best to calm down and come back to the actual problems not focus on being right or behaving in way to provoking further arguments.

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 11:55

Bloody hell some of these suggestions Hmm

No wonder there are so many posts about people struggling with teenagers on here Sad

AlexaShutUp · 19/11/2019 11:57

No wonder there are so many posts about people struggling with teenagers on here.

Yeah, I had the same thought.

StormTreader · 19/11/2019 11:59

Is he being bullied in that class maybe? Could they have written nasty things in his French book and thats why he doesn't want you to see it?

saraclara · 19/11/2019 12:02

When he gets home and asks for his phone, simply ask for his take on what happened last night. Say that you don't understand how this turned into such a Thing, and you want to avoid this happening again.

Listen to him carefully, then ask him to listen as carefully to your perspective. Hopefully you'll both come out of it with some awareness that might help in the future.

FredaFrogspawn · 19/11/2019 12:10

He’s tried to resolve it without feeling like the loser (the half hour extra phone time).

He needs a hand seeing it’s not a lose win situation and you’re both on the same side. Agree totally that modelling you can admit when you’re wrong is so valuable. Bon chance, ma brave.

bsc · 19/11/2019 12:48

Thing is teenagers are all different, because people are all different. Hopefully you know your child OP and can find a new way in afresh this evening. Good luck, he is asking for help, just not articulating it well.

JKScot4 · 19/11/2019 13:02

I’m stunned at the people making excuses for his behaviour, is he being bullied, bad teacher etc. He tried to manipulate his own mother, he’s not some poor put upon soul, he’s a manipulating brat. No wonder there’s a generation of entitled people growing up, always an excuse ready, you do know some people are just unpleasant and age young or old is not a get out.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/11/2019 13:24

According to the author Charlie Taylor, who wrote Divas and Doorslammers, during adolescence the brain actually rewires itself - very real changes in the bran (or so I understand), that cause the child to lose some abilities - empathy, sense of proportion, impulse and temper control and some common sense. He describes it as almost a form of temporary brain damage - and I do think it explains a lot of teenagers' more challenging behaviours.

I bought a copy of his book when we were struggling with ds3's behaviour when he was a teenager - he had a hair-trigger temper, and no ability whatsoever to see the effects of his behaviour on himself or anyone else. I was at the end of my tether.

I did read some of the book (though not all of it) and ds3 and I both managed to survive his teenage years intact - and he's now a hard working, kind young man who is much better able to control his temper and be sensible.

I am saying all of this because, whilst the specific problem that you are having with your ds, @Sewbean, is different to the problems I was having with ds3, I suspect they both have some common roots, in this brain rewiring thing. And I know it doesn't necessarily help you to cope with this particular incident, but knowing why something is happening does help you cope with the feelings of frustration.

If I were you, when he gets home, I'd sit him down and say something like this - "I want us to get out of this deadlock we are in. You can have your phone back (but the normal rules about handing it over at bedtime will apply), and I'd like us to have a chat about your French class and the teacher, and find out a bit more clearly what the problems are, so we can decide how best to deal with this. Are you willing to accept your phone curfew and to have a chat with me?" And hopefully he will have calmed down enough to say yes, and you can take it from there.

Good luck - raising teenagers is a challenge!

mrsmuddlepies · 19/11/2019 13:25

I completely agree with @weirdsmell and @AlexaShutUp. I am sure you are far too sensible OP to escalate this any further. Ultimately you and your son have the same goal, to improve his performance in French. Avoid the other stuff, holding on to his phone will just cause massive resentment, and try and clear the air so that you can both discuss and deal with the real issue.

Moonmelodies · 19/11/2019 14:48

Switch the phone language to French, then hand it back.

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