Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Currently in a stand-off with my teenager

132 replies

Sewbean · 18/11/2019 21:57

I have his phone and will not be giving it to him until he lets me see his French homework. His results in French have been pretty bad recently.

I'm not sure why he has chosen to make such a massive thing about this. He has been coming in and out of his room to rant about it since 8.30pm. That's almost 90 minutes he has wasted. He's been standing in the room whining non stop since 9.45, it's now 9.55 and he's still here going on about how horrible I am. I haven't said a single word. He knows very clearly what he needs to do, I am not backing down, I am not arguing.

I am however quietly going mad with the noise of him droning on and on. Usually he has given in long before this, I'm not sure what's got into him.

God he's hard work just now.

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 18/11/2019 22:27

Being easily distracted from a tough problem that is giving me anxiety is something I'm very familiar with; the relief when I finally tackle it is significant. But I still haven't learned my lesson even though I'm in my forties.

ColumboOnTheCase · 18/11/2019 22:28

You absolutely can’t back down, if you stand your ground he will know next time that you mean business. I have a just turned 14 ds and it’s so so tiring I think it’s hormones cos sometimes he can be quite nice.

MrsMozartMkII · 18/11/2019 22:28

Stand strong!

You've given him a couple of ways out. He needs to learn.

SweepTheHalls · 18/11/2019 22:30

Stay strong! Put the phone in the car so there can be no battle over it in the morning. Good luck Mon amie 😊🇨🇵

Wolfiefan · 18/11/2019 22:32

You really can’t back down. But there’s a reason he is so desperate for you not to see it. Something rude written in it? A comment from the teacher? His lack of effort?

Dementedswan · 18/11/2019 22:33

I don't have teenagers, mine are 9 and 8. So is there a reason why you cant just go and get the book? I'm dreading the teenage years, the strops over primary school homework are bad enough!

PerspicaciaTick · 18/11/2019 22:35

Up the ante.
Explain that his behaviour makes you think the issues are even bigger than you thought. Therefore no phone andbin the morning you will be arranging to speak to his French teacher yourself unless he comes up with the jotter PDQ. Because he needs to reassure you about what is happening

CorBlimeyGovenor · 18/11/2019 22:35

I was all on your side...until you mentioned that you wanted to see his jotter! My jotter at school had all sorts of embarrassing things written down in it... Mainly professing my love for some poor disinterested boy! Could this not be the reason for him not wanting to hand over his jotter?

SimpleAndPlanned · 18/11/2019 22:36

Keep the phone but can you help him with language to work out what's going on. Give him some options the same way you would a toddler.

A - have you lost your french materials?
B - are you embarrassed by your french jotter?
C- should I ask your teacher instead?
D - do you have your french jotter and want to give me it but you are too angry to give me it?

He's probably been drawing cocks in his jotter, or writing notes to his pals or something ridiculous. Kids do all sorts of stupid things to their jotters.

Bluntness100 · 18/11/2019 22:38

I'm also curious why you don't just go and get it? I would.

SimpleAndPlanned · 18/11/2019 22:38

Alternatively speak to his teacher and see what is going on with the jotter? Maybe the teacher has it. Maybe the teacher can collect it in and show you it or send you an email about it.

Original poster
Sewbean · 18/11/2019 22:38

I do understand that he's anxious about how badly he's doing. I have been so calm. I am not angry with him, we were talking together about how we could move things forward. Then it just escalated into this massive stand-off in the blink of an eye.

If I had realised he was going to take it this far I would have acted very differently. This is a massive over-reaction completely out of the blue from him.

I honestly don't know what to do in the morning. I don't want to start another day like this. I can't face it. It's not worth it.

He is in bed now.
I honestly thought he would have thrown the book out into the hall by now. I can't believe he's taking it this far.

OP posts:
weirdsmell · 18/11/2019 22:38

I actually think that sometimes parents get it wrong and it's perfectly fine to back down. Hold your hands up and say ok I made a mistake, this isn't helping, let's find another way.

Forcing him to show his hotter hasn't worked, so now it's fine for you to think of something else.

I don't get the stubborn standoff thing. Ultimately you want to help him, not have a huge war.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 18/11/2019 22:38

If he doesn't want your help, you've also made it into a big thing but I agree you can't back down.
Can you take it down to one simple action? Just show me the book, I will look and return it and not make any comments or suggestions or criticisms. I want to help but not if you don't want me to. But I need to see where you are.
If you speak French yourself, that might compound his embarrassment and anxiety that he's not doing well. He might feel he is letting you down even more.

Original poster
Sewbean · 18/11/2019 22:43

I have seen all his school books before, he's not usually secretive about them at all. They have lots of stupid doodles in them.

I think it's a combination of being a bit embarrassed about how much he's struggling and just genuine defiance. He's said no and now he's not going to back down no matter what it costs him.

One of these I am sympathetic to, the other I'm not.

I don't feel like I can go into his schoolbag and take his things out of it. That feels like it would be a massive betrayal of trust and would push things to a whole new level.

OP posts:
LLOE7 · 18/11/2019 22:44

My guess would be that he is struggling with French, finding it boring etc so has been bunking classes and doesn't want you to see that there is no work in the book from the lessons he was supposed to have been in. I wouldn't back down, but I would have a conversation with him calmly empathising with him that he is struggling and that you just want to help!

Scribblescribbles · 18/11/2019 22:49

Is it because he feels that he's expected to do well at the subject because you speak French as it's your first language?

Letthemysterybe · 18/11/2019 22:51

I’d put the ball in his court in the morning ask him “what do you think should happen now?” Let him decide what his part of the ‘getting his phone back’ deal should be.

eddiemairswife · 18/11/2019 22:54

I really don't understand why some parents get so wound up by their children's homework. He is at secondary school, if he needs your help he will ask for it.

justilou1 · 18/11/2019 22:58

No advice - just empathy. I have a 15yo and two 13yo’s. I am dying inside every night. I never drank gin before this year. (Thanks mumsnet!)

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 18/11/2019 23:01

Or alternatively they won't ask for help and get massively anxious, struggle with work, play truant, get into trouble and fall down a massive rabbit hole towards exams and have a mental health crisis. That is also true. Many parents try to get involved before this happens.

I'd explain to him the situation OP. Let's just get this over with, you know I'm not going to return your phone until I've seen your book, so let's do it now, and later on we'll discuss what happened here and try to avoid this in future.

Original poster
Sewbean · 18/11/2019 23:02

French is not my first language, I've just learned it and am fairly fluent.

I am wound up about it because I know he is struggling and am keen to help. He was keen to accept my help until approximately 8.30pm this evening when it suddenly and unpredictability all turned to shit.

I am going to give him his phone in the morning, I can't start another day badly.

I am tempted to fling it at him and tell him to fail french if he wants to, I don't really care any more. But obviously I won't. I haven't quite figured out what I will say.

OP posts:
MinTheMinx · 18/11/2019 23:13

What's all this about not backing down? This works with toddlers and younger children but is not always the solution with teenagers I'm afraid. I'm not saying you're intentionally pressurising him OP, but as you're a French speaker I'd say your DS's behaviour could very well be coming from a place of embarrassment and fear of not doing well enough.

Forget about the jotter and try a different angle. Hard as it is as a parent, schoolwork is increasingly his responsibility and he might not want your direct help anymore.

Make the first move in the morning by acknowledging that things have got out of hand. Pressure at school plus pressure at home really can be too much and is hugely counter-productive so let him take responsibility and back him up by letting him know you trust him to make the effort to do well. It works, honestly.

Scribblescribbles · 18/11/2019 23:23

That's a shame that he won't let you help him when you've got the knowledge to. Teenagers are hard to fathom sometimes. My two can be a nightmare. Won't be helped at times/think they know it all at times. IMHO what I'd do (as much as you're prob fuming inside!) is stay cool and give him his phone and say that you were only trying to help and that if needs any help that you will leave it to him to ask you. I tend to leave off with the pressure unless really vital. It's hard as you don't want them to mess up their future but at the same time they're trying to escape parental control and grow up all at the same time even though they're not yet! I feel your pain mate. Flowers

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/11/2019 23:29

If he’s in year 9 has he chosen it for his GCSE and is now regretting it? If hasn’t started his GCSEs yet and he’s not going to be taking it next year is it such a big deal that he’s not doing that great in it?

I was terrible at history and physics, dropped them as soon as I could and still got 9 grade A GCSEs. If my parents had made a massive issue about them it would have really knocked my confidence with everything I WAS good at.

I think there must be more to this for there to be such an overreaction. It sounds like he’s had his confidence knocked. I would give his phone in the morning but say that unless he told me what the issue was with not wanting to show the book then you will just email his teacher.

To be honest I rarely look at my DS’s school books. If things are bad enough then it would come up at Assessment time or school would email me. Has school actually asked you to check on his books?

Swipe left for the next trending thread