Just been told we live like pigs

[ILoveJoeBrown]

DS has just told DH that his GF says we live like pigs. We do I suppose.

The house is a shambles, with piles of 'stuff' all over the place. My living room is still full of sh@t from DHs latest fish tank project. He has promised to clear it up but no sign of that. I have tried piling it all up one place, to make it appear tidier but out it all comes again during the week!

We both work FT, as does DS2 and our 3xDSs are all 'grown up', so usually there are 5-7 adults at home at weekends.

DH is very messy and I have to stand on a pile of his disorganised clothes by the side of his bed in order to open the curtains. He also wfh a lot, so has virtually taken over the kitchen table. He has a study upstairs, but it's covered in all his stuff that I take upstairs when I get exasperated with the mess downstairs. I can wfh but choose not to as I'd rather be out of the house.

DH occasionally puts the contents of his pockets on my dressing table when he undresses as his bedside table is - guess what...? I remove his stuff and pile it up on his bedside table anywhere I can find a space.

The boys' rooms are a tip and I end up putting their clean laundry on the floor on the landing as I have given up sorting it into little piles for each one of them and they can't seem to be bothered collecting it from the pile that accumulates in my bedroom!

We are lucky to have a big house, but that just seems to encourage big mess! I used to work PT so would spend my afternoons cleaning. I can't / don't do that now.

I even write '1 chore each' on a whiteboard in the kitchen that they all ignore.

I've stopped worrying about it [kind of - apart from the odd rant] so as a result we don't host dinners or socials like we used to. I can't have people over as the house is a tip. I try to keep on top of the hall / kitchen as they are 'more public', but I'm losing that battle as they won't hang coats up despite the coatrack; they dump school / work bags in the hallway and just drop wet umbrellas by the door!

Get some fish and put one under each of the beds under some clothes and leave them there. The smell will get worse and you could add some spilt milk as well. That will give them a chance to clean their rooms.
As for DH, give him an ultimatum of a few days or everything goes out by the bins.

Marie Kondo?

We did a massive tidy up of the whole house last month and I must say it is amazing! House + loft + garage... Everything was under scrutiny and inspected. It's so so so worth it

And for the record don't use excuses sucb as you don't have time for it because I have 2 kids under 2 and still managed to clear everything away and dispose of it in an eco friendly manner recycle and donate

OP, I have read your other threads and without sounding trite, I think it's time for you to do a Shirley Valentine. I don't know how you can stand it. Keep your chin up.

I broke up with someone who's family home was a shit tip because I knew I would spend my life cleaning up after him. He was chronically messy, inherited from his own family.

I can’t believe some people are responding to this thread with ‘the gf’s a Cf’...wtf? We obvs don’t know her exact words...could’ve been a ‘why don’t you like coming to my place?’ convo with an honest(!) answer or maybe it was a ‘if you really think it’s ok to live in those circs I’m out’ moment. The fact that ds has relayed it means that maybe he’d like to do something about it? I’d always rather someone told me if they felt uncomfortable about something - I can then chose whether it’s worth it to me to alter that particular issue or not!!

Ah god I just remembered another thread where you shared a picture of your son's room.

I gasped out loud, it was that shocking. Is the rest of the house similarly bad?

Bloody hell OP I think you might need a pro to come in and really deep clean so you can start fresh. There must be some critters in that level of mess 😬

Yes it sounds like you do live like pigs and no way would I relax or live in a house like this so there would have been some ultimatums by now both to your DH and your DC. Presumably the DS whose GF said privately to him your house was messy is also untidy?

You need to get organised as a family. DH needs a workspace and his clutter does not go beyond that. Dining table sacred and no rubbish on that or your dressing table or his bedside table. How do you clean the house with all that clutter around?

• My ex husband would leave clothes on bathroom floor next to the washing bin. Always! Like it was impossible for him to open the wash bin and put it in. So I told him. You pick your clothes up or I'm throwing them out. So I did. Every day. Threw them out the window, he moshed a bit and brought them in but continued to leave them on floor so I continued to throw them out. In end he thought he would just ignore the fact that his clothes were piling up outside, thinking it would bother me them being outside. It didn't! They piled up until he had no more clothes ! I came home from work one day and he'd collected them up washed them. It NEVER happened again! Lol*

This is pretty much how I modified my hoarding husbands behaviour.

Pile of clothes on the floor prevents me from reaching the window? Oops - I spilled my whole cup of tea all over it because the floors uneven. And repeat a week later if the pile is back, and so on. Double oops.

Coats not hung up? - moved to an upstairs room (and concealed by a blanket or something) because I needed to hoover. No, I can't remember where I moved them to, you'll just have to look.

Laundry not in laundry bin? - then it won't be washed.

The thing that would really scare me if it were in your position is your DSs living at home forever because what woman wants to take on a slob? Adult sons who don't even hang their coats up are very undesirable.

Is it the son who's bedroom you shared the photo of????

You sound like a bunch of slobs. Working full time is not an excuse to live in a pig sty, as most other people who work manage to keep their houses at a reasonable standard, whether it’s cleaning it themselves or outsourcing help in the form of a cleaner, so why can’t you? And standing on top of piles of dirty clothes to close curtains is absolutely disgusting.

Oh, and if DH left his crap on my dressing table because his was too cluttered I'd collect it up, tip it into the bottom of his sock drawer and let him find it the next day. My DH only changed when he was inconvenienced because I didn't bail him out by helping.
(We are very happy BTW and my kids are very tidy with their stuff so very popular with friends for festivals, Uni flats etc etc, despite them occasionally raging at me when younger.)

Would people please stop being so rude to the OP and provide advice instead of criticism?

I turn off the WiFi until mine tidy up 🤷🏽‍♀️

Marie Kondo the place...

Hire a skip!

5 - 7 adults remove minimum 10 items each a day...

Hard decisions...
Skip
Charity shop
Keep

Only keep stuff that’s been used in the last year!

Empty cupboards into boxes, only put things back in cupboards if they’re used.

Having stuff does not equate happiness.
The wanting of stuff equates suffering.

Get rid!

Good luck!

I would honestly move out if my dh was like this. That might sound extreme to some but I couldn't deal with it, living like that is way too stressful. It sounds like he doesn't really give a shit and the kids have followed. I'd let them live in filth. It's not your job to rota grown adults or chase them or pick up after them. They're old enough, especially your filthy dh, to look around and SEE that things are dirty or messy and do something about it.

I don't blame the girlfriend. She probably doesn't want to come over and is worried about dating someone who lives in filth. She should be! Your house is her future if she's not careful.

Ah op. I've seen your sons room. Sorry but it is actually disgusting. Do you really want to live with them? Do you not feel depressed when you come home? If they're all adults working full time why do they still live with you? They treat your home like a garbage tip and have zero respect for you.

Oh OP I've just seen the photo you posted on another thread. I'm really sorry but that is utterly foul.

I also don't see how th girlfriend is being cheeky or judgemental when the op is basically saying she's right, if my husbands parents house was a tip I'd likely say it to him as well. It's not like she said it to thr ops face randomly and is wrong,

If your house has got to the stage you don't want to invite people round because of the clutter, and it won't be clean under that clutter, as you need to move clutter to clean, and you even need to stand on clothes to open the curtains, then it's time you all did something about it.

All of you need to sit down and discuss it and come up with a plan. It's not good for mental health to come home to a mess every day.

"I'm really sorry but that is utterly foul"

"Sorry but it is actually disgusting"

I doubt either of you are sorry. You have gone to the trouble of seeking out the photo of op's son's room on another thread largely, I imagine, so you can comment in a derogatory manner. The op is already more than aware that the house is in a poor state; how do you think it will help her by coming on here and telling her what she already knows and being rude with it?

If she didn't want honest opinions, why post such a photo in the first place?

Most people would know that that is a grim way to live and wouldn't need to ask randoms on an Internet forum about it

The thing is OP,you have asked them nicely, you've shouted, I expect you have tried everything you can think of. I don't think it should be up to you to arrange a family meeting where they will most likely ignore you and you will just feel more upset and demoralised.

The only person you can control is yourself. You deserve to come home and be relaxed and to invite friends over without feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

OP if you're happy living like this then fine. I think a lot of people would not like to visit though. Sounds like your children are slobs. I'd clean the communal areas and start binning anything left on the floor after that, they will learn to move it or lose it.

I work full time and single parent with two children, I dont need a cleaner or a miracle, I just keep my home clean and tidy within reason. My kids are young but i still ask them to tidy bedrooms and toys left out afterwards are likely to be binned.

Get a grip SisterCharlie. I haven't been derogatory at all. What would you like us to say? It's perfectly clean? She posted it, has also posted AGAIN about the state of her house. I've asked her questions about how she feels and told her what I would do, and haven't blamed her. Get off your high horse.

Yes, if the OP was a single parent then she would probably be able to keep on top of it. It is her husband and his hoarding behaviour that is the problem. He is an adult (as are her children), how can she keep the communal spaces tidy when she is working against four men who just don't care or respect her efforts? It must be exhausting and I don't blame her for giving up.

Honestly OP, I think the only way to save your sanity is to leave, at least for a while.

I agree cheesey. (MN not letting me tag?!)
The problem with stopping doing anything for them or reading the riot act or binning everything is

1.) they won't notice
2.) it's the op making all the effort
3.) they will just dump more stuff

I don't see how you change a hoarder and numerous other adults that have also decided to live the same way. Leaving at least temporarily is probably the only thing they will actually notice.