Just been told we live like pigs

[ILoveJoeBrown]

DS has just told DH that his GF says we live like pigs. We do I suppose.

The house is a shambles, with piles of 'stuff' all over the place. My living room is still full of sh@t from DHs latest fish tank project. He has promised to clear it up but no sign of that. I have tried piling it all up one place, to make it appear tidier but out it all comes again during the week!

We both work FT, as does DS2 and our 3xDSs are all 'grown up', so usually there are 5-7 adults at home at weekends.

DH is very messy and I have to stand on a pile of his disorganised clothes by the side of his bed in order to open the curtains. He also wfh a lot, so has virtually taken over the kitchen table. He has a study upstairs, but it's covered in all his stuff that I take upstairs when I get exasperated with the mess downstairs. I can wfh but choose not to as I'd rather be out of the house.

DH occasionally puts the contents of his pockets on my dressing table when he undresses as his bedside table is - guess what...? I remove his stuff and pile it up on his bedside table anywhere I can find a space.

The boys' rooms are a tip and I end up putting their clean laundry on the floor on the landing as I have given up sorting it into little piles for each one of them and they can't seem to be bothered collecting it from the pile that accumulates in my bedroom!

We are lucky to have a big house, but that just seems to encourage big mess! I used to work PT so would spend my afternoons cleaning. I can't / don't do that now.

I even write '1 chore each' on a whiteboard in the kitchen that they all ignore.

I've stopped worrying about it [kind of - apart from the odd rant] so as a result we don't host dinners or socials like we used to. I can't have people over as the house is a tip. I try to keep on top of the hall / kitchen as they are 'more public', but I'm losing that battle as they won't hang coats up despite the coatrack; they dump school / work bags in the hallway and just drop wet umbrellas by the door!

If she didn't want honest opinions, why post such a photo in the first place?

Presumably, being at the end of her tether, she was posting for a bit of support and to discover a few strategies about how to get others in her house who are causing the mess, on board with the tidying?

I can't stand these threads where an OP posts in frustration (in this case about something that is not entirely her own fault) and poster after poster piles on to kick them when they are down. What is the point of that except to make someone who is already feeling crap, even crapper?

Happily, lots of posters have also responded with good ideas and supportive posts too. But I don''t see the point of the negative posts except to blame and judge.

Get a grip SisterCharlie. I haven't been derogatory at all. What would you like us to say? It's perfectly clean? She posted it, has also posted AGAIN about the state of her house. I've asked her questions about how she feels and told her what I would do, and haven't blamed her. Get off your high horse.

Telling someone the mess in their house is foul (when they know this) and that their family has no respect for them and that they treat her home like a garbage tip (when she presumably already knows this too) is just rubbing it in though isn't it? Sorry if I misjudged it, but your wording and tone didn't sound exactly supportive.

Fwiw, I totally agree with you and Cheesey that stopping doing chores just makes the problem worse. And unilaterally chucking out stuff just breeds resentment.

Flylady suggests that if you start clearing up and making an effort alone, then the rest of the family will miraculosly follow suit. I have had mixed results with that tbh and again, why should it be left to the woman to organise and motivate in a house full of adults?

Moving out temporarily may be the solution if financially possible.

I really feel for you op, but

You sound quite passive about it all...like its going on around you and you can't stop it.

I know I'll get flamed, and I don't think all the housework should be down to the woman by default, but like it or not, women are the heads of a household. They run things and others fall into line. You need to rule the roost.

I saw your other post about your ds room and another poster suggested getting a bin bag for the rubbish...you responded it was a good idea. Why on earth hadn't you thought of that before?

I think some people underestimate how much time and mental energy it takes to sort out clutter and get better systems in place. Pick one room and focus on that this weekend, getting everyone to help. You're unlikely to be able to fix this in one weekend. If you can afford it, I'd recommend getting a professional declutterer to help you. They don't do it for you - I had someone who came round for several 3-hour sessions he worked alongside me and the kids to get some systems in place for certain rooms. It really helped. You can find people via APDO.

Good luck. I'm finding some great ideas in this thread.

i just saw the pic of your ds' room, and yeah thats pretty grim. My ds1 would let it get like that fairly easily and has done, but keeping on top of it now. Its got to be done or you will end up with rats.

I also saw that youve said that his gf basically lives there, and has moved in pretty much rent free, so I still think shes a cheeky cow and they both need to both pitch in AND be more respectful. Youre not their maid, and if they dont keep their own space clean, then they can fuck off with commenting about yours.

5-7 adults living in a house and can’t keep it tidy-how embarrassing!!

I would just put it all in bags/boxes and then do a deep clean (or even better get a cleaner to!) Take responsibility for your own things, and just box the rest up. If you know who it belongs to put it in their rooms.

Most people would be uncomfortable in a house with that level of clutter and mess. I don't think the girlfriend is a cheeky fucker, but the son is for just passing on the message instead of taking stock and making moves to improve matters.

It's extremely difficult impossible perhaps, when the other people just refuse to co-operate dig their heels in and ignore the mess
You just end up in deadlock, the best thing would be if the tidy people moved out and left the messy people on their own to cope with their mess....but that's not really feasible is it 🙈

I have read some of your old threads OP, which I don't normally do but in this case they do give a better understanding of the bigger picture. People are saying you are passive, but I now see you are probably just worn down.

You are the only one in that house that cares about tidiness or eating healthy meals together. I think this is too big for you to deal with alone and I doubt anyone else is going to help you either.

Honestly, at this stage I would be giving ultimatum and tell people they eat in the kitchen, each sorts out a space or you are moving out. You sound so unhappy and ground down.

@afternoonspray Every night. straight after dinner, have a 5 minute pick up. I call it 'final destination' meaning they can't pick stuff up and just dump it elsewhere, it has to go where it actually belongs.

Just wanted to say thank you for this post - some very clear, positive suggestions.

@BarbedBloom I totally agree. Everyone is so quick to insist the woman does it. Id be really hurt that the person id allowed to live in my home would sooner add to my stresses and bitch about my back than help.
I get that your son has ADD, which possibly means that he has executive functioning issues and its possible that you or your husband do too, but that is not a reason for letting it all go to shit. It is useful to know this, because strategies need to be developed to do it.

The fact that your son told his dad about this comment is a good starting point - it has bothered him.

Call a family meeting. Invite the girlfriend - you have an ally there- she will support you when you make it clear your home isn’t just a bit disorganised, it’s unacceptable.

Get her to support you with what her family does (Make sure they do it together rather than it being just her mum first!)

Everyone needs to come together for a weekend for a big sort - you may need a skip or car drivers to do tip runs, but hopefully by the end of the weekend the house will be ready for a deep clean - which everyone should chip in to help pay for.

Then they need to either agree to be part of a cleaning rota or share the cost of ongoing cleaning support. Have regular meetings if anyone isn’t doing their bit to make it tidy enough for the cleaners
You need to assertive. This is your home too.
Get them on your side. No one really likes living in squalor.

Call a family meeting? Throw the fuckers out, they're all adults.

OR alternatively, tell them they have a week to tidy, obey the rules inc no food upstairs or they'll be out on their asses. Seriously, you need to toughen up you're getting walked all over. Tbh I don't know why you're coming on here for advice as it's clear you're a pushover and allow everyone in the house to do what they want. A comment from one of your other posts said it's impossible to stop them taking food upstairs. WHY?

When I was with my ex we lived like you OP. It was horrendous. Years of post opened and put back in envelope. Laundry piled on sofa and dining table, never made it to the wardrobe. The kitchen was horrendous, stuff piled on counter above dishwasher, dishwasher always full with massive backlog.

It was his house, and mess, that I moved into. I'd spend entire weekends tackling it, but it was a losing battle. When dc came along it was impossible and became a real source of arguments.

We split and now I love my home. It's not immaculate but I can make it presentable in under an hour. I have a fortnightly cleaner and try to pick up as I go.

I've just looked at the photo of the bedroom and honesty it doesn't seem too bad - as in nothing that a recycling box and a washing up bowl won't solve.

First get them to tackle that kind of stuff - when's bin day? Rubbish/ recycling / pots to be cleared, this is easy and will show immediate results for very little effort.

Clothes sound an issue, if clothes are on the floor they have too many. Everyone sorts out, unwanted stuff gets passed on.

Then tackle other things / rooms.

Good luck

OP, you need to kick everyone's arse into gear.

I recommend watching Marie Kondo program about decluttering your house. I was always very tidy person, but now even more so after implementing her cleaning style
Good luck

You need to sort it out, otherwise it will take over. You don't need a cleaner, you just need a weekend or two where you all work to sort out the mess.

Take it the AC all contribute for their keep. You need to get a "dirty squad" in when DH isn't around. Give notice that the squad will be in attendance at xxxx day/time and anything left on floors, surfaces in bedrooms, living rooms etc will be binned to enable a cleaning squad to then come in. By the sounds of it you may need a skip for the day. Tell AC their money is going towards the clean up and following the initial ine their rates are going up to pay for regular cleaning.

I couldn’t live like that. You need a huge clear out by the sounds of it. With so many adults in the house it’s nit just your job to keep it clean and tidy.

Call meeting giving them warning that whatever is still cluttering your home in one weeks time is going in a bin bag...and do it...and continue to do it.

I didn't understand the photo of the sons room. If I saw even one piece of actual rubbish on my ds's bedroom floor, I'd be asking him about it and telling him to put it in the bin.

I would force them all to take a week off and they use that time to organise the house and after that if it gets messy again it's in the bin.

It sounds like you need to call a good old fashioned family meeting and start laying down ground rules about hanging up coats and umbrellas for starters. Your husband cpuld have a clear up in his study and maybe you could then start a tidy up of the kitchen, while the rest of them tidy their rooms up and have a sort out, hang up their clothes etc.. If you are working full time they should definitely all be pullung their weight and it's just basic stuff to hang up their coats. Maybe you could get someone in to clean every week then, and this would help too?
Your son's gf is a CF and seems to think it's her place to judge with nasty comments, which is totally uncalled for.

My very busy home was like that.We have all moved on now.My daughters have boyfriends and their own places.I though would love that time back.The mess isnt that important.I wish id realised that then!