Just been told we live like pigs

[ILoveJoeBrown]

DS has just told DH that his GF says we live like pigs. We do I suppose.

The house is a shambles, with piles of 'stuff' all over the place. My living room is still full of sh@t from DHs latest fish tank project. He has promised to clear it up but no sign of that. I have tried piling it all up one place, to make it appear tidier but out it all comes again during the week!

We both work FT, as does DS2 and our 3xDSs are all 'grown up', so usually there are 5-7 adults at home at weekends.

DH is very messy and I have to stand on a pile of his disorganised clothes by the side of his bed in order to open the curtains. He also wfh a lot, so has virtually taken over the kitchen table. He has a study upstairs, but it's covered in all his stuff that I take upstairs when I get exasperated with the mess downstairs. I can wfh but choose not to as I'd rather be out of the house.

DH occasionally puts the contents of his pockets on my dressing table when he undresses as his bedside table is - guess what...? I remove his stuff and pile it up on his bedside table anywhere I can find a space.

The boys' rooms are a tip and I end up putting their clean laundry on the floor on the landing as I have given up sorting it into little piles for each one of them and they can't seem to be bothered collecting it from the pile that accumulates in my bedroom!

We are lucky to have a big house, but that just seems to encourage big mess! I used to work PT so would spend my afternoons cleaning. I can't / don't do that now.

I even write '1 chore each' on a whiteboard in the kitchen that they all ignore.

I've stopped worrying about it [kind of - apart from the odd rant] so as a result we don't host dinners or socials like we used to. I can't have people over as the house is a tip. I try to keep on top of the hall / kitchen as they are 'more public', but I'm losing that battle as they won't hang coats up despite the coatrack; they dump school / work bags in the hallway and just drop wet umbrellas by the door!

I couldn't live like that. Why are all the grown up offspring still living at home. I would make it a condition of them staying tht they keep the place reasonably tidy.

You need Fly Lady!

I expect the men are waiting for you to sort it out. I'd have set fire to the house and walked away by now.

I do sometimes think that outsiders can help when you are all overwhelmed, whether I'd pay someone or not would depend on how bad it was and how clueless the other household members are.

When it's ingrained like this somebody needs to start the ball rolling with the others totally onboard.
Threaten to get a camera crew round, surely that would embarrass them into action.

I don't think it matters - unless its depressing you. There's more to life than tidying up, so long as its CLEAN - mess doesn't matter if you are ok with it.

A friend of mine (she lives alone so its easier) takes 2 items to the charity shop every Friday - has done it for years and she's never ran out of stuff to take.declutter.

tell your ds that theyre both welcome to fuck off to her house if she is going to be rude about your home

Roll your sleeves up, get everyone on board and go for it! If they're not interested start filling bin bags and clear the crap out!!

Stop doing their washing they are adults they can do their share. Any chance of getting a shed for DH to work on Fish tank outside of the lounge. All his work stuff should be in his office or what is the point of it?

Horses for courses and all of that, but how on earth do you live like that!
Aren't you embarressed when people come round because they might not say anything (unlike the girlfriend), but they would definitely be thinking what a slum pit.
You all need to sort it out and get some rules and a cleaner in place.
Personally I couldn't relax or think straight living like that.

As soon as a woman says I assign this job, and I make sure they do xyz, I punish otherwise have lost already.
It needs to be a normal part of life and not a chore. Then it becomes second nature and a natural thing to do.
I used to be terrible, not dirty but messy and chaotic, just looking at it like this helped me.
It isn't down to the woman to be responsible for everyone elses shit. What are the Fathers/ husbands doing to address this? Just waiting for wifey to give them a chore.

DH and I have a ToDoIst app on our phones and I've put the chores in there on a 2 weekly rota. The two bathrooms get a really good clean once a fortnight and a surface clean on the other week. I tend to wipe them over during the week too and keep cleaning wipes in the bathroom to make that easier.

The good thing with an app is that it's recurring and DH doesn't have to ask me what to do, it's on his phone and he can pick jobs to do. We tend to do it first thing on a Saturday morning.

We also skipped a lot of stuff when we moved house. Money well spent. Anything we hadn't used in a year or had simply forgotten about went in the skip or to the charity shop. We currently going through one box a week from the attic. Some stuff will stay and be consolidated in to new, labelled boxes, but I'm hoping 75% of stuff will go. It's much easier to keep things tidy when there's space to put things away.

DS’s GF has it spot on by the sound of it.

I would be tell DS his girlfriend is no longer welcome , but I would have an almighty hissy fit over that fish tank. I would buy the boys and hubby 2 of those fabric laundry bags with handles each and just bung it all in , if they can't be bothered to keep it sorted then there is always febreeze lol

Sorry OP but that is utterly grim. You stand on piles of clothes just to open your curtains, and you just leave piles of laundry all over the floor in the hallway too?

Do none of you have any pride in how you keep your home? Would you not like to come home and have clear floors and a tidy home?

Would you jessy? I think I would be mortified that the truth was being spoken out loud by someone that’s important to my DS.

What did DH say?

Do the posters who are coming on here saying "that's disgusting", "how do you live like that?", "aren't you embarrassed when people visit?" (when the op has already said she doesn't have guests any more) without suggesting strategies, really think they are being helpful? The op presumably posted for support, not to be berated. It takes a lot of energy and motivation to turn around a situation like this. All these comments are demotivating. I hope all the judgey posters never get in a situation where they feel overwhelmed and depressed by a situation that isn't entirely of their own making!

How rude😊

Your house sounds like a happy, busy hub.

I am quite messy, but the house is clean. Just books and clothes everywhere.

Bathrooms and kitchen are scrubbed Once a week. All towels and bedding washed every Sunday. Floors mopped and hoovered. It’s just stuff. I don’t care, and if the mess offends this young lady she doesn’t have to visit.

I don't have any constructive suggestions because I have a similar problem. DP of 20 years is a hoarder, leaves stuff lying all around the house, pitches a fit about not being able to find anything if I tidy it up and has left unfinished DIY tasks in every room of the house as well. I spend as little time at home as possible because nothing seems to change him. I tried to end the relationship a month ago but lost my nerve. The only good thing is that DS1 finds it as annoying as I do and is pretty tidy himself. DS2 is seven and needs a nudge but tidies his toys up when asked. I have dreams where DP dies, there is magically life insurance I didn't know about to pay for tradesmen to fix to damage to the house and the kids and I order the biggest skip available and live happily ever after.

The girlfriend was unkind, but may have been telling the truth. Maybe she looks at it and thinks that would be her future with your son. If all of your family are as bad as your DP, I don't know what the solution is.

"but they would definitely be thinking what a slum pit."

Yes, they absolutely will. I can guarantee it.

Sounds pretty grim OP, but how do YOU feel about it? Would you rather get it sorted out by reading the riot act and chucking stuff that gets left in a mess, or would you rather live with the mess and keep the status quo?

Sounds like she was saying as she sees it. Are you coming back OP?

I guess someone needs to be motivated to change.

And I’m guessing that person is you OP.

So it’s up to you really.

It does feel lovely not to be in clutter though. It’s so nice. I love it.

Take some holiday from work and sort the place out?

Who the hell thinks the DS's GF is planning on living with him? Where the hell do you get this from? She is just a girl who thinks her BF is living in a place that could do with improvement. Doesn't mean she thinks he is a pig. Maybe she'd be quite happy to live with him away from the family home? If DPs want him out then go for it.