Just been told we live like pigs

[ILoveJoeBrown]

DS has just told DH that his GF says we live like pigs. We do I suppose.

The house is a shambles, with piles of 'stuff' all over the place. My living room is still full of sh@t from DHs latest fish tank project. He has promised to clear it up but no sign of that. I have tried piling it all up one place, to make it appear tidier but out it all comes again during the week!

We both work FT, as does DS2 and our 3xDSs are all 'grown up', so usually there are 5-7 adults at home at weekends.

DH is very messy and I have to stand on a pile of his disorganised clothes by the side of his bed in order to open the curtains. He also wfh a lot, so has virtually taken over the kitchen table. He has a study upstairs, but it's covered in all his stuff that I take upstairs when I get exasperated with the mess downstairs. I can wfh but choose not to as I'd rather be out of the house.

DH occasionally puts the contents of his pockets on my dressing table when he undresses as his bedside table is - guess what...? I remove his stuff and pile it up on his bedside table anywhere I can find a space.

The boys' rooms are a tip and I end up putting their clean laundry on the floor on the landing as I have given up sorting it into little piles for each one of them and they can't seem to be bothered collecting it from the pile that accumulates in my bedroom!

We are lucky to have a big house, but that just seems to encourage big mess! I used to work PT so would spend my afternoons cleaning. I can't / don't do that now.

I even write '1 chore each' on a whiteboard in the kitchen that they all ignore.

I've stopped worrying about it [kind of - apart from the odd rant] so as a result we don't host dinners or socials like we used to. I can't have people over as the house is a tip. I try to keep on top of the hall / kitchen as they are 'more public', but I'm losing that battle as they won't hang coats up despite the coatrack; they dump school / work bags in the hallway and just drop wet umbrellas by the door!

The GF is entitled to her view, I doubt she thought DS would relate it back to you!

I don’t have a moral judgement on it, if you’re all happy living that way, fine. But just as some people might say “Sue’s house is so clean, it’s sterile” they’re also comments about messy houses.

If you happy in a mess then whats wrong with that?

The next time the gf comes home ask her what she does in her own home in terms of cleaning and tidying up, in front of your DS. She was being rude and likely blaming you and your DP for the mess as I doubt she herself lifts a finger to help her own parents

I think there's a middle ground between pristine and pigsty that most people tend to fit into. Sometimes our house gets pretty messy during the week but then tends to get in better shape at the weekends when we are actually home and have time to deal with it. But it sounds like everyone's just got a bit too lazy about it and might be time for a blitz!

Before DD arrived and threw our lives into chaos, we had 'tidy-time' at 6pm every day. For 30 mins, both of us would tidy as much as possible - we actually got loads done in that time. Maybe something like that would work if there's a time you're generally all there eat once?

I wouldn’t date someone if going back to their place meant this

The GF isn't a CF she is honest- she is maybe looking ahead to have a life with your DS and is horrified by what she sees at your home. A bit of shock tactics can be no bad thing.

This won't fix itself - you need two weekend of ruthless decluttering, invest in more storage and then put your foot down.

They need to go through retraining. Family meeting. Introduce then to a black bin bag. Everything on floor goes in bin bag for rubbish or charity shop depending on item. And follow through.

Uhh, does DS not see that his GF thinks that he lives like a pig?
He needs to pull his finger our of his lazy ass, along with his siblings and DF to get shit sorted.
Have a family meeting, plan a weekend when the house is going to get blitzed top to bottom: get boxes and bags ready for charity shop/recycling/storage and everyone pitch in. Disconnect wifi if worried about distractions. Prescribe Netflix’s Marie Kondo series as essential viewing for the week leading up to it if needs be.
Good luck!

The gf might seem.rude, but she's also just being honest.

Well, to be fair to the gf, it sounds like your house is a pig sty.

If it bothers you, work out what you’re gonna do to change it. Step one for me would be reading the riot act to the bunch of useless man children you appear to live with.

Every night. straight after dinner, have a 5 minute pick up. I call it 'final destination' meaning they can't pick stuff up and just dump it elsewhere, it has to go where it actually belongs. It really does just take 5 mins if every one does it every day. (5x4 people =20 mins a day = 140 mins tidying a week.)

If they are born disorganised, when you first do this, you have to give instructions every thirty seconds: hang up your coats. Pair your shoes and put them away. Take your school bags to your rooms. Bring dirty cups and plates downstairs. Put dirty washing in the laundry basket.

After a while they know the drill.

DH needs to sort out his fish tank shit and get a storage box to keep it all in that is attractive enough to be kept in the living area if he keeps needing to get the stuff out during the week.

Get family to all muck in for 30 mins cleaning on saturdays. One hoovers. One empties bins and sorts recycling. One does the bathroom. One strips and remakes the beds. Set a timer, keep them focused. It's not much work if everyone helps for a short, fixed period.

A cleaner can’t really clean a house in that state realistically.

Why are you doing your adult son’s washing? When they can’t even be bothered to pick up the clean laundry.

Stop doing that for a start.

Give them all (incl DH) a choice between contribution to tidying up or messing up their own places.

Sorry I don't think the gf is even being particularly rude, it doesn't sound like she said it to your face just privately to her bf.
It does sound like you need to get on top of things, standing on a pile of clothes to get to the window is ridiculous!
Maybe schedule a weekend for an enforced deep clean and de clutter for you ALL!
If they all want to live there they need to pull their weight

What Dumptyhumpty said!

Clear the living room, kitchen, hallways and stairs, put whatever crap you pick up in boxes and if it is still there at x time on x day it goes in the bin. They are grown-ups fgs, you are not their maid. They need preparing for the real world where they will have to clear up their own messes if they want partners who'll put up with them. Start with DH.

Good luck, you deserve to enjoy your home, not dread being there and feeling suffocated by the chaos.

I would open the front door. Pick up all the bags shoes and umbrellaa a sling them out for a start. Then go from room to room and do the same with the rest if the crap they have all left about. Nearest window and out it goes.

The more expensive and wanted the bloidy better. If grown men cant respect the place they live in. Why the hell should you respect the crap they leave everywhere .

Your dh sounds like a hoarder

The gf sounds correct by the sounds of it. OP put your foot down and get this sorted.

One of my mums friends has a really messy dirty house and we all hate going there and it's been mentioned quite a few times. I'm close to her daughter and she was always so embarrassed by it as a child.

Agree with the suggestions of the black bin bag approach. Get a handle on this OP, you're not teaching them all anything by letting this go.

Gf is right. Your ds is also a pig if he lives in this sty. If I were his gf, I would see red flags in any longer term relationship in that I would be expected to pick up, tidy and clean after him for the rest of my life.

Yuck - she will end up on mn with one of those losers 'who is good with the kids'.

I think there’s only so many times you can try to make someone do something they don’t want to do. Once it gets to this point, it’s beyond a cleaning issue and it’s clear they have no respect for you or your happiness.

I wouldn’t stick around, OP. I know it might seem like a huge leap but you can still be a wife and mum from the comfort of your own, clean and peaceful flat/house.

You make a rod for your own back.
Don't do their chores, you aren't staff.
The more you do the less they will change.
Black bag time, give them fifteen minutes to rescue what they want then start chucking out, and be brutal.

Laundry,give your children a wash basket each in their room that's one problem solved.
If you have a cloakroom just shove all stuff dumped in the hall in there,dump not hung up,close door.
Move all your husband's stuff into his office as soon as it appears.(you really need a garage so that big projects do not even get through the front door.
Have a family meeting.Their rooms can stay as they are,their choice you are not touching them.
Set chores and turn WiFi off until done,done give pocket money.
Do you have room for a blanket chest in your room to dump all your husband's stuff in so at least you can clear surfaces and shut the lid.
Tell son to inform his girlfriend that it is because you live with pigs,including your son and not to come round since it offends her so much.
Good luck.If you get that far the get a cleaner and your husband can pay..

zero point getting a cleaner if the problem is clutter and things not having a proper place. Maybe the GF wants your DS to move out ???

4 boxes
Move each persons stuff into a box
Message them your have 10 mins then the boxes go to the tip’

Do it

Don’t wash anything not in a a basket
Don’t clean anything not in the dishwasher

Mean it

A cleaner won’t tidy up.

Tbh, if you don’t work and have decided to spend your time in the home instead, this stuff hasn’t happened overnight. Yes your DH sounds really messy but if his stuff was tidied daily it won’t build into such an issue. Is this something you want to do or not? Just asking because if you’re firm that you will not pick up after people (which is a valid POV) there is no point offering that sort of advice