Just been told we live like pigs

[ILoveJoeBrown]

DS has just told DH that his GF says we live like pigs. We do I suppose.

The house is a shambles, with piles of 'stuff' all over the place. My living room is still full of sh@t from DHs latest fish tank project. He has promised to clear it up but no sign of that. I have tried piling it all up one place, to make it appear tidier but out it all comes again during the week!

We both work FT, as does DS2 and our 3xDSs are all 'grown up', so usually there are 5-7 adults at home at weekends.

DH is very messy and I have to stand on a pile of his disorganised clothes by the side of his bed in order to open the curtains. He also wfh a lot, so has virtually taken over the kitchen table. He has a study upstairs, but it's covered in all his stuff that I take upstairs when I get exasperated with the mess downstairs. I can wfh but choose not to as I'd rather be out of the house.

DH occasionally puts the contents of his pockets on my dressing table when he undresses as his bedside table is - guess what...? I remove his stuff and pile it up on his bedside table anywhere I can find a space.

The boys' rooms are a tip and I end up putting their clean laundry on the floor on the landing as I have given up sorting it into little piles for each one of them and they can't seem to be bothered collecting it from the pile that accumulates in my bedroom!

We are lucky to have a big house, but that just seems to encourage big mess! I used to work PT so would spend my afternoons cleaning. I can't / don't do that now.

I even write '1 chore each' on a whiteboard in the kitchen that they all ignore.

I've stopped worrying about it [kind of - apart from the odd rant] so as a result we don't host dinners or socials like we used to. I can't have people over as the house is a tip. I try to keep on top of the hall / kitchen as they are 'more public', but I'm losing that battle as they won't hang coats up despite the coatrack; they dump school / work bags in the hallway and just drop wet umbrellas by the door!

Not necessarily, there is still a lot to do, but they don't have to do the regular jobs and the regular cleaning. They could focus on the big jobs - the big sorting out/clearing out tasks, finding a place for everything but there are a number of routine jobs they wouldn't then have to do

Doesn't even sound like they're doing the regular everyday jobs though, let alone decluttering.

The photo of the ds's room had actual garbage on the floor. If it's a struggle to even put rubbish in the bin, then a cleaner will be a total waste of money.

If they lived on their own they would have to do all the jobs.

I didn't see the photo, I can imagine what it's like.

I'm not the one who has to navigate it in the middle of the night.
I'm not the one without clean clothes - and yes I have pulled things out of the machine and said how nice they smell. Or how soft they are when pulling out of the drier. The daggers are worth it.

Their door stays closed. I don't see it. I don't have to sleep in it. Up to them.

You either want me to treat you independently or you don't. You want me to give you some freedom and treat you more like a 14-year-old, crack on be my guest. Cannot pick and chose which bits are for your benefit. Give and take is needed.

Like parents who post asking what to do when their dc is up all night and it's been going for ages. Or won't listen because they are busy watching netflix or whatever. Give them one chance. Tell them you will remove the wifi box. They eventually push to test you. I've taken it twice, the youngest didn't remember what it was like when I did it to one of the elder siblings. I get to the word wi, never mind the fi, and yup they are moving their arses. But I also do understand that sometimes with gaming for example, you do need to wait a bit even though it's just a game. It's like you reach that moment in a book, or a film and you just need to watch that bit and then you will move. Now if that whole bit is the film, you're having a laugh, but good on ya for trying haha.

It sounds like your husband is a bit of a hoarder and/or is extremely untidy. Bad habits tend to spread so the kids are following this example. You need to put your foot down and hold each of them accountable. A good purge of the house is needed by the sound of things. It’s affected having people over so you definitely need to get on top of it.

The photo of the ds's room had actual garbage on the floor

Where is the photo? I've been through the whole thread and can't see one.

? I've been through the whole thread and can't see one.

Neither can I. I wonder whether it's from previous threads? I always feel a bit hesitant about name searching someone / bringing up previous posts but I think I'll have a look in that case

Some have suggested having a cleaner. But a cleaner won't move piles of laundry and that sort of stuff. If there are several adults in the house they all need to take responsibility for their own tidying. Nobody likes to live in a pig sty to the point where you feel you can't invite people round. If you work full time then everybody needs to pitch in equally. You need to get tough with them. Also try the Marie Kondo book - 'The Life Changing Magic of Tidying' as a starting point, it worked for me!

Imagine a thread AIBU.
So the cleaner, lazy cow, came today and don't know what she's managed to clean. Walked into adult dc's room, still looks like a bombs hit, clothes everywhere. Dh stuff still left out all over the place.
Should I sack the cleaner? Although she did manage to pile up a bit of the table and stacked up some of dh's papers.

🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣

I've just seen the photo. How could you live like that?

Some cleaners will tidy up/declutter as well, as long as you are paying for enough hours to do it.

Ah, the photo was in another thread. It doesn't mean the rest of the house is that bad.

Personally, I think the GF is extremely rude and if she doesn't like it I'd tell her to sling her hook. Everybody's homes get untidy unless you can afford a cleaner. Its part and parcel of normal living. In my opinion it is more important to be happy with one another than having a home which has to be kept as a showhome. On another note - pigs are extremely cute, loving and clean animals and get a bad write up.
So, the GF has the problem NOT YOU. Your son is better off without her she sounds a right bitch. I think you should do what you want to do and live as you want to.

So it appears DH is a slob and the 3 boys (now men) have learnt learnt copy his behaviour. Going to take a lot of undoing to change this

There is a cavernous difference between show home and health and safety hazard.

And I would say that the OP has a pretty massive problem living with such lazy disgusting adults.

Everybody's homes get untidy unless you can afford a cleaner

Not to the extent the OP is describing. We can’t afford a cleaner, but everyone pitches in and out house is generally clean and tidy.

Does it sound like they’re happy with one another?

My mother is an extreme hoarder (food And other people’s unwanted pets are her specialty).

There are companies who will come and do a wonderful job of resetting your house to a ground zero of sensible.
As many previous posters have said, it’s a question of only having as much stuff as is rational for your space and lifestyle.

I grew up in utter squalor. I now have four DC and two greyhounds but our house is merrily untidy yet can scrub up well in half an hour (understairs cupboard 😳).

The DC’s and our friends can come and go quite comfortably and I only occasionally get rattled by the mess. I’m guessing that’s where you’d like to be?
The first thing to do is get rid of stuff. If DH is resistant, don’t do it yourself, you need a professional to teach him that there is a limit to what he can have in the space available.

Bollocks to handholding and 'teaching' grown ass adults not to have shit everywhere. Fuck Kondoing - otherwise known as simpering over the importance of shit over people and delaying the necessary shoving the shit in a skip for Christ knows how many months/years.

Hoarding and leaving things around is abusive - it's telling you that you aren't worth a decent home. It's telling you that you aren't worth as much as the pile of shit on the floor. It's making sure the you can't have a social life with friends or family coming round. It's telling you that you don't deserve to be able to close the curtains safely. It's telling you that you have no right to take up space, the person whose shit it is owns everything, including the air and floorspace, and you are so insignificant that you don't deserve to feel cared for or respected.

Seriously, I'd leave permanently.

Everybody's homes get untidy unless you can afford a cleaner

There's has been many times we haven't had a cleaner. Nothing to stop those living in the home from doing stuff.
The times we've had them, it's been to take a bit of slack off people. Has nothing to do with cost. Cuts back elsewhere have been made to do this at times.

Grown ass adults -
From now. Not tomorrow late whatever. Now.
You either start contributing physically to the household or fuck off elsewhere.
You pick up your own stuff

Tell them straight you will bin the lot. And do it. It's clearly not wanted.

Wifi the problem. Take the wifi box with you. Can understand the reluctance if it was a supersized computer. Pick it up. Or take the lead. Better yet, confuse them and take the damn fuse out of the plug 🤣

Named boxes, bags, book suggestions etc.

That's for your toddlers. Not adults.

This would do my head in. Do you have good storage? If you don't could you look into improving it?
Do you cook for everyone? You could go on cooking/washing strike until the family up their game.
If they're adults it's about time they did their own washing anyway.
To not even hang jackets up when they come in the door is ridiculous.
Also agree with other posters, once the house is more organised get a cleaner to encourage more tidying up.
Maybe once they get used to living in a more organised home they will no doubt prefer it.
Think you'll have a bit of a long haul getting them to change their ways though! Good luck.

How will a cleaner encourage them to clean more?
They already have one and that's working out well.
For them anyway.
For @ILoveJoeBrown how is the softly softly approach going to work? Tough action.
Use it.
Move it
If not bin it.

Yes, they will object.
Remind them what they are actually objecting about.
Cleaning up after themselves and pitching in.
Shame them. They should be ashamed of themselves.
If they don't like it, as adults there's nothing really stopping them from leaving.

Don't let them try and ask for extentions. Nope. The minute you tell them, send out a group text/whatsapp if you have to.
But that's it. Shape up or ship out. They've had more than enough time given.

I didn't say a cleaner would encourage them to clean more. I said it might encourage them to tidy more. So that the cleaner can clean.

And do they have the funds because I can't imagine somebody who has to clean up after them will be cheap.

Bin bags - lots off them. Shove it all in and throw it outside. If they want it back - they put it away if you will repeatedly put it in the bin. If they don’t like it - tell them to rent elsewhere.
I did this - it works. But you really need to stand firm.
Then get a cleaner.

With all the cleaning crazes that’s going on atm. I’m sure there must be millions of videos or self help guides you can read on line to get you motivated. Join Facebook and join some the cleaning groups. There are lots of similar stories like yours you can get ideas from.
I wouldn’t care at this point if anyone helped me or not. I would get the job started then think about how it will be maintained later.
Start one room at a time!

How is it going op?

I was a cleaner for a few years and I worked in private houses. I had clients that had their houses very messy (cluttered), others would be slightly dirty, some would just need an hour cleaning cause everything was already perfect..

It depends greatly on the cleaner but usually the job is to clean not to organise the house. If the house is so messy we cant see the floor or surfaces how are we suppose to work?
I was one that helped organise many households and I was always happy to do it, (I was self employed, I reckon that company cleaners might just stick to just cleaning) which meant me touching and moving a lot of personal stuff from my clients, and I was paid handsomely to do so since decluttering takes more time than the actual cleaning.
Of course to do that, there is a need to have some sort of trust with the client so we can make small plans to know how and where things will go and what are we allowed to delve into. There's no use of organising a household when the client isn't interested in "maintaining" and I say this because if lets say, a cleaner goes to your house once a week for 4 or 5 hours, thats the time to declutter one room and organise it, the week after the cleaner comes to find that same room is back to the way it was, how is the cleaner supposed to reach the other rooms then?
The client needs to be willing to make a commitment as well as work with the cleaner to change habits. Cluttering is a habit after all. I agree with a previous poster who said, the problem with a messy house is the accumulation of things, people just have too much stuff.

A lot of cleaners will tidy too. You just have to ask around.
Im naturally messy and have a cleaner once a week otherwise I cant keep on top of it. She tidies and I spent a long time being apologetic but she says its absolutely fine, and her mum was like me, and people like me keep her in work. She whizzes round doing a basic tidy which would take me hours myself, and then does a basic clean. Probably not enough time for a deep clean often enough, but I dont really care.
Id give up all sorts of things before I gave her up!