Just been told we live like pigs

[ILoveJoeBrown]

DS has just told DH that his GF says we live like pigs. We do I suppose.

The house is a shambles, with piles of 'stuff' all over the place. My living room is still full of sh@t from DHs latest fish tank project. He has promised to clear it up but no sign of that. I have tried piling it all up one place, to make it appear tidier but out it all comes again during the week!

We both work FT, as does DS2 and our 3xDSs are all 'grown up', so usually there are 5-7 adults at home at weekends.

DH is very messy and I have to stand on a pile of his disorganised clothes by the side of his bed in order to open the curtains. He also wfh a lot, so has virtually taken over the kitchen table. He has a study upstairs, but it's covered in all his stuff that I take upstairs when I get exasperated with the mess downstairs. I can wfh but choose not to as I'd rather be out of the house.

DH occasionally puts the contents of his pockets on my dressing table when he undresses as his bedside table is - guess what...? I remove his stuff and pile it up on his bedside table anywhere I can find a space.

The boys' rooms are a tip and I end up putting their clean laundry on the floor on the landing as I have given up sorting it into little piles for each one of them and they can't seem to be bothered collecting it from the pile that accumulates in my bedroom!

We are lucky to have a big house, but that just seems to encourage big mess! I used to work PT so would spend my afternoons cleaning. I can't / don't do that now.

I even write '1 chore each' on a whiteboard in the kitchen that they all ignore.

I've stopped worrying about it [kind of - apart from the odd rant] so as a result we don't host dinners or socials like we used to. I can't have people over as the house is a tip. I try to keep on top of the hall / kitchen as they are 'more public', but I'm losing that battle as they won't hang coats up despite the coatrack; they dump school / work bags in the hallway and just drop wet umbrellas by the door!

Actually the GF has called her BF a pig as he shares what she considers the family sty. I think she has an absolute nerve . To your credit you seem very sanguine about the whole thing . Until the house is tidier it’s bound to be more dirty but that’s a responsibility shared by all of you . Does the GF stay over ? Let her show your son how it’s done .

God that’s awful.
It must be so dirty under all that mess, I couldn’t live like that at all.

Hire a skip, get rid of it all. De clutter.

You can use Christmas as an excuse to reclaim your home starting from today. It'll give you a goal to work towards, order a massive tree & decorations as an incentive to get things moving.

All family members need to remove their crap from shared spaces.

Go round the house & bag up obvious junk for the bin. Then put it straight outside in the main bin.

Go round the house with a box & put unused, unwanted & old belongings & clothes in for the charity shop. Put it straight in the boot & drop it off ASAP.

Do the same for the recycling.

THEN get your family to sort through their things & do the above steps. By you doing the initial blitz, you prevent them from hoarding things. I live with someone who holds onto stuff just in case so this is what I do.

Then go & buy a tin of paint & repaint your living room, hallway and kitchen/diner but definitely your living room. This is the main step in reclaiming your living room back from the slobs you live with.

Do you have a shed where all of your dh's stuff can go in?

What is the storage situation like? Do you need a trip to IKEA or Wilkos for decent storage?

Get a glossy home mag & start thinking about how you can love your home again.

Definitely invite people over at Christmas, book a cleaner & get the slobs decluttering.

The GF told the OP's son in private. And then the son told his father. She wasn't being rude or insulting. She was being truthful to her BF.

And she is right. It sounds like you live in a sty.

Just put away after using something?

I had a friend like this, but her and DH would piss around online instead of cleaning up. Always late, had to tidy their kitchen (wash/put away a week’s worth of dishes and crap) for a kids’ party, always late, always forgot things and never hosting.

Just tidy up when you’ve used something FFS. Me and DH bothwork FT (police) but no one leaves shit for other people. The children earn pocket money for helping out (dishwasher, washing, cleaning their own rooms). It’s not hard.

You're adults, you can do as you please.
OP didn't ask anything.
There at least 5 adults choosing to live that way.
I can't believe OP used to spend so much time cleaning. YABU to be the only one making an effort (is my only yabu).

I'm surprised you don't have rats living amongst all that filth. Book cleaner in ASAP as the decluttering is done.

Well, the question is, are you happy to live as you do? You sound cheerful about the mess, OP, also it feels like you as a family share the same attitude to tidying. The GF’s comment has made you pause for thought. Would you like things tidier? What would that mean to you? Is there any advantage to feeling you ‘can’t’ invite people back? Lots of PPs have offered suggestions as to how you might make things tidier, so would that make life easier if you took that advice? And are we talking ‘cheerful clutter heaps’ or ‘verging on a health issue’? I used to date a guy whose (lovely) mum’s attitude to clutter was ‘chuck it behind the couch’. At one time the house was also cat central. I can’t say it was immaculate but it was happy and friendly.

Sounds like you need a weekend having a clear out. Chuck loads of stuff that you haven’t used in a while. It’s hard to keep on top of stuff when you have loads. My house is simplistic (first house so moved in with basically nothing which helped) and I have NO clutter what so ever. Everything is organised in folders etc and pointless stuff goes in the bin / charity shop / for sale sight.

Well she’s right isn’t she? Call the family together, get it sorted and then club together for a cleaner.

I should add, though, that the problems began when I lived with that boyfriend in a very small flat, as he took his attitude to clutter with him. I came home one day and seriously thought we’d been burgled: tap running, fridge door open, lights on, stuff everywhere. Because those things weren’t acceptable to me and he wouldn’t change, I ended up being the one keeping things under control and increasingly resenting it.

I have a rule at home. If it's on the floor, it goes in the bin. And I won't be replacing it. I give my teen DCs a deadline by Sunday, all bedrooms tidied or their mobiles and devices confiscated for a week. And I would shut down internet for the entire house so that gets my hubby on my side to make sure DC's ACT. I assign my hubby simple jobs only on weekends like vacuuming and ironing on the provision that I help by cooking dinner. And for coats, I immediately react as it happens. Leaving coats towels and dirty coats on the floor is not an option in my house. If you leave it, it's too late. I really really discipline my kids to become self-sufficient and tidy and it pays dividends. I don't make them clean though. I'll save that for later!

His gf was absolutely right. It sounds as though it's shocked your son into realising other people don't live like that. Has he changed his own behaviour as a result?

Bloody hell OP your post has my anxiety up. I just couldn’t live with that. With mess or dirt. Both IMO are just anxiety inducing.

I have found a cleaner has helped me so so much. Now I can focus on just cleaning the bathroom and kitchen daily rather than having to do a full scale clean every few days (I may have a touch of OCD!)

Get a cleaner!

The description of your house made me feel stressed out. I can't imagine actually living in it

I got very stressed reading it, too.

I thought our house was a bit over the edge, but OP, you really need to read the riot act - especially with DH. It's his example that your DSs are following.

It won't be sorted in a day, but you really need to start nagging like fuck.

Good luck!

Yeah, this is disgusting.

Family clean up weekend. Everyone does their bedroom then rest of house is divided up. Get in lots of black sacks, recycling bags and boxes for the charity shop. You will be happy once it's done

Once it's clear, pay for a deep clean (£150 approx) and on going cleaner, it's worth every penny

My mum and sibling are very untidy. I have always been the tidy one in the family. I didn't spend pocket money on makeup, but polish and glass cleaner. They are still messy, but they keep the front room and bathroom tidy for visitors.

You don't even know exactly what the girlfriend even said. She may have said, you live in a pig sty and the Chinese whispers thing has ended up with her condemning the whole family.

However, I have to say, having to stand on clothes to open a window and having stuff piled up everywhere sounds unbearable. You are all equally responsible for this though and therefore everyone needs to pitch in to sort and maintain it. A cleaner wouldn't be able to do much if there are piles of stuff everywhere.

Sometimes it takes an outsider to open your eyes.

Family meeting, 2 weeks to sort it. Working full time is not an issue. Lots work full time.

Your family needs a right kick up the bloody backside. After 2 weeks, if its not kept, skip it. And mean it FFS. Sort them out.

Is there any cleaner so desperate that they would enter that house. I very much doubt it

I can relate a little bit to this @ILoveJoeBrown. DH has hoarding tendencies. We also had a room in our house that we set up as a study so —he could keep his untidy crap in there— study in peace.
Well it became such a cluttered dumping ground he would study in the lounge.
I put up with it then got pregnant and we needed the extra room. No moves from DH to tackle that room and then suddenly something came over me and I just went through that room sorting and chucking as I went. Also fully cleared out the other rooms that are starting to get a bit cluttered and said I’d had enough and wanted to live in a nice house.
He was not very happy at the time but seems to have come round now. And we have a nice space to live in finally.
I’d say your DH needs to know he is not being fair to you. He has a room to work in but has taken over your living room space. He’s also cluttering up your bedroom and this is affecting your ability to enjoy your home and socialise.
Go for it and put your foot down I’d say you have every right!

Strikeout fail sorry!!