Just been told we live like pigs

[ILoveJoeBrown]

DS has just told DH that his GF says we live like pigs. We do I suppose.

The house is a shambles, with piles of 'stuff' all over the place. My living room is still full of sh@t from DHs latest fish tank project. He has promised to clear it up but no sign of that. I have tried piling it all up one place, to make it appear tidier but out it all comes again during the week!

We both work FT, as does DS2 and our 3xDSs are all 'grown up', so usually there are 5-7 adults at home at weekends.

DH is very messy and I have to stand on a pile of his disorganised clothes by the side of his bed in order to open the curtains. He also wfh a lot, so has virtually taken over the kitchen table. He has a study upstairs, but it's covered in all his stuff that I take upstairs when I get exasperated with the mess downstairs. I can wfh but choose not to as I'd rather be out of the house.

DH occasionally puts the contents of his pockets on my dressing table when he undresses as his bedside table is - guess what...? I remove his stuff and pile it up on his bedside table anywhere I can find a space.

The boys' rooms are a tip and I end up putting their clean laundry on the floor on the landing as I have given up sorting it into little piles for each one of them and they can't seem to be bothered collecting it from the pile that accumulates in my bedroom!

We are lucky to have a big house, but that just seems to encourage big mess! I used to work PT so would spend my afternoons cleaning. I can't / don't do that now.

I even write '1 chore each' on a whiteboard in the kitchen that they all ignore.

I've stopped worrying about it [kind of - apart from the odd rant] so as a result we don't host dinners or socials like we used to. I can't have people over as the house is a tip. I try to keep on top of the hall / kitchen as they are 'more public', but I'm losing that battle as they won't hang coats up despite the coatrack; they dump school / work bags in the hallway and just drop wet umbrellas by the door!

I grew up in quite an expensive house but it was messy and dirty and I hated having friends round because one told everyone a my school that our house was smelly.

Sit everyone down and draw up a rota for jobs. Be strict with yourselves. No one needs to live like this.

I fight a losing battle against mess/other family members, but DC are tween/teen and DH appears to be mess blind. Its all very well to say get a cleaner but (i dont think) a cleaner does or should have to pick up dirty clothes off the floor, or ingredients off the kitchen work surfaces, or cups/plates from the table, or books/toys from the floor before they can clean.....so i would still end up doing that anyway.
My DH and DC recently made a cake. I said fine as long as they cleared up. (It was a v nice cake!) The next morning there were still ingredients and dirty bowls, pans, utensils around the kitchen. I piled them up and said to DH and Dd, I'll leave your cake clearing for you to do after work/school. Dh said "what clearing?" 🙄

What does your Ds think about this ?
From what you have said it sounds really bad.
I agree family meeting . Create a plan how to get in top of it .

In terms of the poster who said about her 4 year old . Believe me 4 year olds are far more helpful than secondary school children. My Ds at 4 would beg to clean the toilet . He occasionally does it now but under duress.

We have a half hour tidy up . It means we put music on and if he actually helps after half hour he can go do something else but he is 12 so my expectations are lower than an adult and we are on top of things.

Contraceptionismyfriend Sat 09-Nov-19 15:22:49 The GF wasn't a CF. The DS probably asked her to come around. She probably said no. He asks why. She replies that she values her health. Factual. Not cheeky.

Agreed. OP has stated that her house is a tip, so why call out the GF for stating the obvious. The DS probably questioned why GF never wants to visit and GF honestly told him. Maybe it will motivate DS to help OP clean the house. As for the rest of the family, I agree with this

Sit everyone down and draw up a rota for jobs. Be strict with yourselves. No one needs to live like this.

If you care, in the sense of actually wanting it to be tidier and to host friends rather than just don’t want to feel embarrassed because other people are judgy, then I think DumptyHumpty’s approach is the one that will be most effective, though I would start with a deep clean where everyone has to sort out their shit and find a proper home for it and get rid of the too much stuff they’ve no doubt accumulated. I would also mix in afternoonspray’s daily tidy up time for the first few months before declaring that you won’t be directing it any more and will instead just throw things away.

You (as a family, not just you on your own) also need to make sure there are spaces where people can do the things they want to - like playing with fish tanks - can you designate a room as a work space or put up a garden shed? I would probably include bedrooms in the deep clean because one thing they almost certainly need to do is throw stuff out so thy have enough space in their rooms for the things that are currently lying around the house but I wouldn’t hassle them about their rooms daily (though if it got to the stage where messy rooms meant they were abusing the rest of the house again then you may need to reassess). You need to change habits which means a bit of cajoling (the directing them every thirty seconds during tidy up time at first) and a bit of harsh consequence (the throwing things away) and a bit of reward - having a party, maybe? Or family over for Christmas? Everyone playing laser tag in the dark because you can actually move around the house now? Whatever works for each of you.

And stop doing their laundry.

This is useful information.

This is what my partner's house was like when I moved in with him.

It was the case for various reasons, but mostly that he had a full time job while battling depression. Not a complete excuse, but things got on top of him.

Gradually, we have sorted things out. I have been here a year now, and the house is much less cluttered (though still often untidy) and we are working through decorating room by room, and as each room is done, that at least is being kept completely tidy. We will get there, but it's a LONG job.

My partner's brother came round to help us with some DIY and it somehow turned into a slanging match between the two of them, with the brother saying we should have some self respect and sort our lives out.

I'm not being funny, but this hurt a lot, as it is none of his business. AND, we ARE sorting it out. Every week it is better than the week before. We are busy people, and need to save the money to decorate, but we are getting there. This time next year I am sure that the whole house will be done, and will be clean and tidy (well tidy, it's clean now).

One thing I would mention though is that it is honestly worth addressing. Making a start has helped my mental health no end. A cluttered home is a cluttered mind, I think.

I would also wonder what on earth the excuse is when you have so many adults living with you. It's bone idle I'm afraid, not to mention disrespectful. You mention them collecting their clean washing from your room. Bollocks. Give each bedroom a washing basket and let them do their own. They're adults!

I suspect you're all messy.
Why not watch some you tube videos of quick tidying hacks.
When my dd had a French exchange student we gave a lift to another student staying with a girl a few miles away.
When we entered the house I felt so sorry for the exchange student, the place was a disgusting tip.
It turned out the husband was the sahd and his wife worked. I felt so sorry for the wife too coming back to that each day.
Whilst it is your home it's not nice for gf to have to sit in a tip. A bit of clutter fine.

If you have a garage OP, put surplus in there, get the house straight between you all, then give them including dh a time scale to remove the surplus before dh is instructed to take it to the tip.

Not sure why the GF is getting flak. She said it to her boyfriend who went and told mummy
op says its a shitehole

And why is the op being accused of being "passive"?

Again, why is it the woman's job - in a household full of adults who are working (or studying?) to act as chief planner, cheer-leader, organiser? . Why is it up to her to motivate everyone else?

Please someone explain it to me.

Oh dear, you need a spring clean. I could not live like this.

"A place for everything and everything in it's place"

"Untidy house, untidy mind"

Get your family together next weekend and tell them you're tidying up the house. All if them together. It will soon get done, don't resign yourself, a shit hole is not good for anyone's mental health. x

Tell DS that his girlfriend has said a rude and judgmental thing, that has hurt you

It’s more likely his GF doesn’t want to hang out at OP’s house and the DS simply asked her why! OP needs to get it under control, she’s already explained they don’t socialise at the house anymore (a red flag) and she has grown-ass sons that will inflict their slobbery on their future partners 😱

I'd go old school - give a week warning (only fair) and book a skip - anything left on the floor goes in it, and everything left in a clutter goes there too.

Once the house is cleared of the excessive mess, it's much easier to tidy.

Once house is tidy, book a professional clean.

@Starlight456 His four year old. I’m well aware he’ll be Kevin and Perryesque in a few years, so I’m taking full advantage while he will do his chores!

It sounds like she's right
You need to have a house meeting and sort this out

Concentrate on clearing the clutter, to make cleaning quicker and easier.

Just running the hoover round can make a difference, have a cordless hoover upstairs and down. Tidy as you go and encourage the others to do the same.

Again, why is it the woman's job - in a household full of adults who are working (or studying?) to act as chief planner, cheer-leader, organiser? angry. Why is it up to her to motivate everyone else?

The GF dared to be honest with DS. Instead of rushing home to clean, DS told DH. DH could have took the initiative to clean, but instead told OP. Who do you propose takes the initiative here? The OP seems the only one bothered by the GF's comments, so it would seem the OP is the best person to call a family meeting to discuss the situation and try to make a plan forward. Not saying the OP has to do all the work, but it's all got to start somewhere and a family meeting seems a good start.

Is it possible to take some annual leave and have a big sort out? Or do it on your days off?

After that hire a regular cleaner if you can.

Your house sounds grim. Your DH is a piss take. I bet your sons have just followed his lead. It sounds like no way to live. They all not a big kick up the arse

We've still got adult DC living at home, the rules are very clear. They keep their rooms tidy, their bathroom clean, do their own laundry and are expected to help out with tea etc. They can keep what they like in their rooms as long as I'm not tripping over it

I'd hire a skip OP. And claim one room where they aren't allowed to put anything down in...........

@alreadyinchristmasmood You must be a very thoughtful DIL. I couldn't do it for DP.
If my home burnt down tomorrow I wouldn't move in.

Why wouldn't the girlfriend express her view on the house where her boyfriend lives? Presumably she wants to make clear that's not how it's going to be should they get a place together?

You and your husband should take a day or two off work and sort the shit out. Sounds grim.

Your son's GF has a point though, doesn't she. And she didn't say it directly to you - she told her BF, your son. Who appears to be one of the guilty parties in the mess-making!

If I was the GF I would be re-evaluating him as a long term partner, especially if he takes after his Dad.

I'm certainly far from a saint when it comes to tidiness and have my own piles of shit to deal with - but I do make my boys keep their own stuff tidy, as far as possible (they're still young though) - and DH isn't too bad in general, although he will never contribute to tidying any other part of the house than his own spaces and the garden. Family areas are all my responsibility. And I just have too much stuff, which I need to deal with.