Just been told we live like pigs

[ILoveJoeBrown]

DS has just told DH that his GF says we live like pigs. We do I suppose.

The house is a shambles, with piles of 'stuff' all over the place. My living room is still full of sh@t from DHs latest fish tank project. He has promised to clear it up but no sign of that. I have tried piling it all up one place, to make it appear tidier but out it all comes again during the week!

We both work FT, as does DS2 and our 3xDSs are all 'grown up', so usually there are 5-7 adults at home at weekends.

DH is very messy and I have to stand on a pile of his disorganised clothes by the side of his bed in order to open the curtains. He also wfh a lot, so has virtually taken over the kitchen table. He has a study upstairs, but it's covered in all his stuff that I take upstairs when I get exasperated with the mess downstairs. I can wfh but choose not to as I'd rather be out of the house.

DH occasionally puts the contents of his pockets on my dressing table when he undresses as his bedside table is - guess what...? I remove his stuff and pile it up on his bedside table anywhere I can find a space.

The boys' rooms are a tip and I end up putting their clean laundry on the floor on the landing as I have given up sorting it into little piles for each one of them and they can't seem to be bothered collecting it from the pile that accumulates in my bedroom!

We are lucky to have a big house, but that just seems to encourage big mess! I used to work PT so would spend my afternoons cleaning. I can't / don't do that now.

I even write '1 chore each' on a whiteboard in the kitchen that they all ignore.

I've stopped worrying about it [kind of - apart from the odd rant] so as a result we don't host dinners or socials like we used to. I can't have people over as the house is a tip. I try to keep on top of the hall / kitchen as they are 'more public', but I'm losing that battle as they won't hang coats up despite the coatrack; they dump school / work bags in the hallway and just drop wet umbrellas by the door!

I couldn't function in a house like this I'd be ill, in fact I'd rather have a tiny, clean, one bedroomed flat than a large, messy house. For your own mental wellbeing, you need to be able to move around freely without tripping over stuff and you should be able to invite friends/family over. Your home is your castle, we spend half our lives mortgaged up to our eyeballs paying for this luxury, you should enjoy living there. It sounds to me, like you're on the verge of being hoarders and you need to get a grip of this. Its not just your responsibility, its your Husbands and adult children's. Hire a skip, be ruthless and get everyone helping, then get a cleaning company in. The Girlfriends comment may be the best thing that's happened to you, because its put the wheels in motion.

How did you manage to raise such such bone idle adults
Wow. Why is automatically the op's fault? .

Why do mothers always arsing well get the blame? It angers me so much.

I have similar issues to you op, although I only live with two others. And, I am the one who is judged about the state of our house despite the fact that I am the only one who tidies up! (Admittedly I am the one with the most time to do so but that's a long story and not my choice!)

I gave DD regular chores which she did willingly and well from about 8 to 14 hrs but at 16 yrs old, she no longer is willing (to be fair she has a lot of hwk). I've asked DH for help but he grew up in a mess and thinks it's "normal" and doesn't feel uncomfortable or embarrassed by clutter. I've asked both for help nicely, asked them both for help not so nicely, nagged, got angry, begged and pleaded ...nothing works tbh. I don't even expect them to do communal tasks any longer, just would like them to tidy up their own mess that they create constantly. The house is very large and old with lots of stairs and too big a job for one person. I'm constantly picking up after them both.

And btw, we have a cleaner once a week (and someone to help with ironing once a fortnight) who focuses on the kitchen and bathroom and floors, so nothing gets too hideous, but you can't really clean clutter and the mess still remains!

I follow the Flylady system and it does work for me and has improved things immensely, but I do still feel very very demotivated by the lack of interest that dh and DD show in the house; they only notice or comment when Dobby the House Elf (yes, that's me) hasn't done something .

So no advice op, just wanted to say that I hear you, and you have my sympathy, I really understand your frustration

Tell DS that his girlfriend has said a rude and judgmental thing, that has hurt you.#

Sounds like she was pretty spot on in her evaluation. It's not the OP's job to single handedly keep the house clean and tidy when she has other adults in the house.

Either you want to change this OP, or you don't. There is no way I'd tolerate having to dump laundry on landings because you can't get into the room or clambering over piles of stuff to get to the window. You (as in the family you, not you personally) have all let this situation develop. Sometimes it takes an outsider to say it like it is.

Does your ds not contribute to the sty then? Cheeky bloody cow, well she won't want to visit anymore and she'll not want your piglet anymore.

There is no way you should take responsibility for everyone else's mess.
Sort yourself a room, clean it and it's yours nobody else's if it's the lounge and they miss tv then they can tidy their own stuff up.

If none of them are young children you have done your bit now, so don't do anything for them. No cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.

A cleaner is a waste of time when you have half built things lying around.

My DC used to do this. For about 3 months I picked up everything they left in the wrong place and dumped it in an enormous box in the garage. It took a while but they are much tidier now! It had the added advantage of making me tidier as I didn’t want to be accused of double standards.

I've stopped worrying about it [kind of - apart from the odd rant]

is contradicted by these two statements:

I can't have people over as the house is a tip.

I can wfh but choose not to as I'd rather be out of the house.

It sounds like the comment from DS's girlfriend has touched a nerve with you, you are embarrassed and ashamed of the way you live. I doubt you dh is, he sounds hideous, is your son embarrassed? Are your other sons?

This hasn't happened overnight though, it has been building for years and has not been addressed, you say you worked part time and spent time clearing up after them all - why? Why have you not instilled basic standards of cleanliness and tidiness into your children? Have you just given in and given up for an easy life and accepted that your social life has suffered as a result?

Phone an agency and get someone in (often a pair) to do a deep clean. It will be worth it. After that you can perhaps employ someone for 2/3 hours once a week to clean.

I sympathise because I've been in that situation, it was demoralised and exhausting just to look out. I felt bogged down.

Please do something before matters worsen.

8 to 14 yrs - not hours!

Cheeky bloody cow, well she won't want to visit anymore and she'll not want your piglet anymore.

She’d be dead right. There are many many posts on mn where women have got into relationships with lazy men who do sweet fuck all in their own homes. This gf should thank her lucky stars that she can see what’s in front of her.

Why do mothers always arsing well get the blame? It angers me so much

I totally agree, if kids aren't raised correctly it is jointly the responsibility of both parents.
However, men do seem to leave it to their wives and wives allow them to relieve themselves of parenting.

You don't have to be a millionaire to have a cleaner. I pay my cleaner £30 a week because I'm a single parent, have just gone up to 4 days a week work and am feeling like I need the support. A fish tank costs what, about 3 weeks of cleaning? It really doesn't sound like a shortage of money is the problem.

Personally I would say there are 3 problems here 1) your dh is a hoarder and/or doesn't respect the fact that other people live in the same house 2) you are either messy as well or have just given up 3) your children have accepted the standards around them. 1 is the biggest barrier and 2 is the one you can change yourself. 3 might follow.

The girlfriend isn't a problem, she's given you an incentive to do something. She was rude but I would ignore that tbh. Why did your son pass it on? Does he agree but is too chicken to say so? What does he think?

You need a cleaner who will work with you. Perhaps the son with the gf will help. Start with the sitting room and the bathroom. Tell your dh you're not happy to live like this and your'e going to clear those rooms - unless he moves stuff, you will. Inevitably anything he moves will go somewhere even more inconvenient at this stage, but if he clears, so far so good. Pay the cleaner to clean those rooms to start with. Tell them to do whatever they can in your bedroom and the kitchen as well. If your ds with the gf will join in, get him to clear his room and really clear it - take stuff to the tip. Don't get sucked into trying to sell stuff at this stage unless it's the only way to afford the cleaner. Get it out of the house - tip staff will recycle stuff better than you can.

What I found was that as the cleaner worked, my family found it easier to maintain a good standard. I feel like the cleaner has taught ds what a clean and tidy room looks like, and as a result the potentially tidy adult that he always had inside him has come out - his room is pretty good now, and he's 15. The odd cereal bowl, but never for more than a couple of days. He's improved at sorting stuff out and keeping it manageable. Ive also had time to sort stuff instead of having to spend the limited time I do have on just maintaining basic bleached loo/washing up levels. It's been a game-changer, and it's absolutely not about refusing to do anything yourself, if only!

It sounds like a bit of a tip. What is radom mess to you might have shocked her.
I firmly believe a tidy home creates a tidy mind, less stress searching out essentials, climbing over crap. Not a spotless home but one you can invite people to without them thinking it is a pig's sty.
I often imagine what is lurking behind those piles of stuff in a hoarders homes.

Are you scared of their reaction if you bin bag everything and then either throw it or charity shop it?

You could take a half way route and give the bags to a friend to look after, then tell them that next time you really will bin/charity it.

Tell your adult sons to shape up or ship out.

Good thing your DS's GF already knows what a lazy slob he is, so she won't make the mistake of suggesting they live together.

Tell DS that his girlfriend has said a rude and judgmental thing, that has hurt you.
I don't blame the girlfriend for expressing that opinion, I couldn't live like that either. It was rude and hurtful of your son to tell you, though, particularly if he is partly responsible for the mess.

OP, no way should you put things in boxes and clean up.
The older kids ultimatum, clean up or ship out and be serious.
No nagging. Sit down with a brew and give orders if needed.
They start i one room and work together.

Oh dear OP, you sound very passive about this. I often think my house is a mess but my God, I have a routine to see it sorted and I have a teen, pre-teen and a young child. Also a messy DH - but even he has gone with the programme and knows everyone needs to be involved in keeping a home tidy.

I came on to say your son's GF was rude, but dear me, I read your description of your home and the fact that your children are all adults and I despaired for you. And for all the people saying you can't afford a cleaner - of course you can, you have 6-7 adults sharing a house, I sincerely hope they all pay rent and if not, start charging for the cleaner.

But also, it is not good for adults to be this messy - you all need to get together and plan how to sort this and then keep on top of it for good.

"The gf might seem.rude, but she's also just being honest."

Honesty is NO excuse - naked CFery from the gf. Being "judgemental" is usually roundly condemned on MN. Obviously it is permitted about messy houses but not for any other life choice/situation

My PIL's house is a tip, when we go for the day + one night I don't even shower because i'm too disgusted, then when I get home I have a loooong bath. My SIL cleaned their whole house once (she lives in the same city, not that I would do it anyway), and then it was the exact same pit in less than 2 weeks

I dont think the gf sounds rude at all...its not a cleaner you need its a skip and a change of attitude.I would be ashamed to admit I cannot have people round to my home because of the mess...I would gather everyone together and blitz the house..spend a day working together and it will be amazing what you can achieve.

The mess and dirt would drive me nuts but your son’s girlfriend was extremely rude 😕

I agree with what @converseandjeans said.
A tidy and clean house is not your job or your responsibility. You are one of 5 adults in the house so the other 4 need to be on board for anything to improve.

I would not bin anything. For one, who can afford to throw away piles of possessions? For two, it establishes you as the responsible one, the tidy house police and you should not have to take that role. It’s not your job. It’s everyones responsibility. So a family meeting is best.

The girlfriend wasn't a CF, she was doing you all a favour. And you are emasculating your sons by being a doormat. She probably finds your place repellent and so would a lot of other sensible people. Stop doing the laundry for 4 grown men. They can do their own, combine loads if they want to and you can do yours. Tell them any possessions lying around at a certain time each week are going in the bin or will be impounded, including the fish tank. Get a cleaner that everyone pays for. Situation will be sorted in a few weeks, you will be happier and they will become better men. Best thing my mum ever taught me, and there were many, was how to clean a bathroom properly.

The GF wasn't a CF.

The DS probably asked her to come around.

She probably said no. He asks why. She replies that she values her health.

Factual. Not cheeky.