Just been told we live like pigs

[ILoveJoeBrown]

DS has just told DH that his GF says we live like pigs. We do I suppose.

The house is a shambles, with piles of 'stuff' all over the place. My living room is still full of sh@t from DHs latest fish tank project. He has promised to clear it up but no sign of that. I have tried piling it all up one place, to make it appear tidier but out it all comes again during the week!

We both work FT, as does DS2 and our 3xDSs are all 'grown up', so usually there are 5-7 adults at home at weekends.

DH is very messy and I have to stand on a pile of his disorganised clothes by the side of his bed in order to open the curtains. He also wfh a lot, so has virtually taken over the kitchen table. He has a study upstairs, but it's covered in all his stuff that I take upstairs when I get exasperated with the mess downstairs. I can wfh but choose not to as I'd rather be out of the house.

DH occasionally puts the contents of his pockets on my dressing table when he undresses as his bedside table is - guess what...? I remove his stuff and pile it up on his bedside table anywhere I can find a space.

The boys' rooms are a tip and I end up putting their clean laundry on the floor on the landing as I have given up sorting it into little piles for each one of them and they can't seem to be bothered collecting it from the pile that accumulates in my bedroom!

We are lucky to have a big house, but that just seems to encourage big mess! I used to work PT so would spend my afternoons cleaning. I can't / don't do that now.

I even write '1 chore each' on a whiteboard in the kitchen that they all ignore.

I've stopped worrying about it [kind of - apart from the odd rant] so as a result we don't host dinners or socials like we used to. I can't have people over as the house is a tip. I try to keep on top of the hall / kitchen as they are 'more public', but I'm losing that battle as they won't hang coats up despite the coatrack; they dump school / work bags in the hallway and just drop wet umbrellas by the door!

Speak to the son with the girlfriend say she isn't welcome round if she is calling your house but your son isn't making any effort so should be embarrassed maybe you could shame him into getting him to help tidy his room. Can you not get a Cleaner or friend/family to help you gut your house. I'm not a tidy person but I couldn't have people saying my house was a mess.

Wow what a response! In answer to some questions, though not all:

Photo from another thread was my eldest son, who has ADD & other issues and to be fair to him, much has improved.

DS2s GF stays here most of the time as they both work & socialise near our home.

I had a meltdown this morning. So many things happened simultaneously and I just had it.

DH is now in the middle of sorting his pile of clothes in the bedroom, having given up a day's metal detecting which he loves, in order to do it, as he could see how much it (the mess) upsets me.

I went for a run and then spent a good hour hacking down deadwood in the garden which always makes me feel better.

Now I'm cooking dinner while they carry on tidying up.

They will make a bit of an effort every now and then but only if I throw my toys out of the pram. I'll take the opportunity to explain what needs to happen next during dinner. Sunday dinner in the winter is a bit of a family tradition although DS2 does his own thing now.

Good luck OP. Hope you can get it sorted & they help regularly.

Yes it was rude but due to her remarks the mother will most likely take some control actually on second thoughts she wasnt rude its the son who had the nerve to repeat it back to his mother
His the rude lazy one

Its sounds like you have several children and one that won't grow up
Your Ds girlfriend may have had a point
Any aging adult male that cannot/won't pick up clothes from the floor
It would be a good idea to have a chat with DH as to be honest he is your biggest child/problem.

That was rude, mess is bearable, filth is not. I can see where she is coming from, I was bought up by a tidiness Nazi mother and used to look down my nose at friend's messy or dirty homes. I have since grown up and realise that other people have jobs and lives, something my mother lacked. Her whole existence was cleaning.

You need to press the point home continually over the next few days. It’s awful that you have to do this but things won’t change otherwise. I think hiring a skip and having a massive declutter is a good idea. Having to treat them like small dc must be both frustrating and tiring but it needs to be done. I have a friend who lives in a cluttered house, she knows but ultimately can’t let go of things.

I can so understand how this could happen if you don't have time to keep on top of. Our three are 11, 15 and nearly 17.
So a few things.

1. Room tidying and doing their share of cleaning their bathroom gets done on a Sunday morning before the Wifi gets switched on. With the eldest's bedroom we've reached a bit of a stalemate. As long as there's nothing rotting of dying in there I just close the door. I have warned him if this continues when he starts earning, he will be paying for a cleaner.
2. Clothes bins. Small items get washed then go in a communal bin. Darned if I'm ironing them just for them to be screwed up in a drawer. They can fish around and find what they want.
3. Confiscated Cupboard.We have a big cupboard that is generally for cleaning and DIY. Anything that gets left out at bedtime goes in here and has to be bought back by doing an extra chore or similar.
4. Worse case scenario, if something got repeatedly left out I'd heave it in the bin. I'd give fair warning though. They can pay for a replacement if it's that important.

Stuff like this. I'm taking no prisoners.

You have a DH problem. The kids are just copying what they've learnt is acceptable behaviour. Why should they change when he won't?

Does he 'see' the mess? Does he just assume it's your job to clear up, or does he think it's ok the way it is?

Your house your business

Great news. Little and often.

Hope you manage more progress over tea dinner

In our house anything left in common areas like kitchen sitting room etc at the end of the day goes in a big basket. If by the following evening items in th evasket are not rehomed where they belong they go in the bin. They soon learn.

I grew up in a house which was dirty and messy - it was horrible

Apologies, I haven't RTFT.
It's much easier to clean if you arent drowning in clutter.
How about hiring a skip for 2 weeks. Then just bin everything that cant be donated to charity or recycled. There is nothing like a deadline to motivate.

Come on OP if your hubby is worth his salt and they are your kids grown up/ or not , with this meant with the greatest of respect and well intended -grow a backbone and read them all , including your oh the riot act. Tell the grown up kids that if they can't respect your or your home, remove out and tell ds to start helping. Be ruthless , rather than resigned.

Ps I really like the throw stuff away idea...your oh included in that...tell him to get rid of the fish tank too or you'll do it. Anything that's left lying around gets chucked away at the end of the day and actually do it...the kids and your hubby. They'll soon learn pretty quickly to put their stuff away!

Move out*

Ps also consider if your hubby may have ADHD. I'm naturally messy and I've got it...

No way could I live like that,sorry but my home is my pride and joy and everyone always comments how they wish their house was like mine.
Just sort it and then keep on top of it,my 2 sons houses are immaculate too ,it’s the way they have been brought up.

No way could I live like that,sorry but my home is my pride and joy and everyone always comments how they wish their house was like mine
Just sort it and then keep on top of it,my 2 sons houses are immaculate too ,it’s the way they have been brought up

There's a middle ground between living in filth and this comment.

I have watched quite a lot of the Hoarders programmes, and I honestly think that there comes a level of mess which almost paralyses the person or people in the house. For most of us, our clutter/stuff has proper homes, places it can be tidied away, but when the mess gets to the stage that the OP’s house has, the storage is either already full or is inaccessible, and needs sorting out too - so when you try to sort things out, there is nowhere to put stuff away.

It becomes such a big task that it can be nigh impossible to see where to start, and I think that, when you are faced with such an immense task, with no clear starting point, this causes a mental paralysis - so things just get worse and worse, and you’re in a vicious circle.

@ILoveJoeBrown - I’m glad that some sorting out is happening - and if I were you, I wouldn’t shy away from losing the plot as many times as is necessary to get things done.

OP, I don't have any useful advice beyond what has been suggested, but I do want to thank you. My house is also a bit of a tip (not quite as bad as yours but heading in that direction). Unlike you, I live alone and can't blame the mess on anyone but myself. I don't know what my problem is low level depression plus laziness, I guess. At any rate, your post has inspired me to do some cleaning and decluttering when I get home today, so many thanks for that. I'm not sure how you can get your family to help get your place in shape. Please do stop putting the laundry on the landing though--it's a real trip hazard.

Hi op
My house is massively messy. I am a very messy person. I just don't see the mess- but I know where everything is :)
There is just me and four children all under 15. They do help but I know I didn't set a good example.
My friends know I'm messy and so does my family. I have a massive tidy up if I'm hosting anything but I just can't keep on top of it!! I genuinely can't do it. It used to really really get me down.
I realise I have strengths in other areas- I remind my self I'm a good parent bringing up nice children, on my own, I've got a degree and other post graduate qualifications, I have a good (part time job) & I volunteer. I'm giving back into my community (just not tidying my house very well).
I'm absolutely positive you have so many strengths!
I would encourage you to not compare yourself with others. Focus on quality time for yourself and training your family to clean up after themselves.
Huge hugs for you xxxx

I recommend the Marie Kondo series on Netflix, it will help you and your family to do a massive declutter in manageable stages. Then organise a cleaning schedule for everyone to be involved in or get a cleaner. I'm working through a declutter myself and it has helped me a lot. It makes my mind feel a lot clearer and I feel less stressed. After decluttering I've found I shop a lot less because I've realised I don't need loads of stuff and it just clutters up my house quite quickly. With every new item that comes into my place, I see it as having two costs - the price I paid for it and the room it takes up in the house.

Good god you need a cleaner!

I literally could not get past this first post because it annoyed me so much.

I'm a professional domestic cleaner. Domestic cleaners do not clear away peoples crap that they can't be arsed to put where it belongs. And if a house is as messy as the OP explains hers is, I wouldn't take her on as a client.

A domestic cleaners clients are still responsible for having some pride in themselves and their own homes. Cleaners are not there to baby people and pick up after them.

I have a client with a large home and a large family. The family are tidy, except for one grown up DS in his early 20s. He's a pig. Leaves his dirty clothes and underwear all over the floor of his room and bathroom, won't strip his stinky bedding, leaves the toilet in a disgusting state. I've told my client I will not touch his room or toilet unless he leaves it in a respectable and accessible state.

She understands.

If the whole house became like it I would drop her as a client. Its unacceptable for anyone to live like this and expect outside people to come and do basic things any able bodied adult can do, like hang up coats, clean the toilet after themselves or put dirty laundry in a laundry basket.

So no, she doesn't need a cleaner. She needs to stop letting these adult men continue to behave like lazy filthy children.