MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD

[FluffyUnicornClouds]

For Xmas & birthday PIL gives the DC money to buy themselves something, however MIL always takes it back home with her to “keep it safe” the problem is if the kids want to buy something she has to police what it is. If she thinks it’s worthless tat or she doesn’t approve of what they want she won’t give them the money.

Now to a degree I do agree with this as obviously I’m not going to allow my DC to spend their money on absolute shite and we have denied requests for Roblox / fortnight coins in the past.

However DD wants to buy a mid priced laptop for herself. She’s in her second year of secondary school and they have recently gone over to doing the majority of the homework and submitting it on the PC. We all currently share a family PC but DD now wants to buy herself one. For homework and also as she likes to write short stories.

DD has saved up her money. We recently moved and prior we all had a massive clear out and sold anything we didn’t want on eBay with the proceeds of that and her pocket money she is £100 short on the laptop she would like.

She’s asked MIL If she can have the £100 shortfall from her Xmas and birthday fund and MIL has outright refused telling DD it’s a waste of money to buy a new console to play games on, she has explained its for homework but she’s still refusing.

DD said to me what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it. A few months ago she wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. MIL has over £300 of DDs money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money.
Every year she asks them what they want, they tell her and she says il just give you the money to buy it. She’s already said she’s doing the same this year.

So how would you handle this situation? I can’t leave it to DH to sort as he is NC with her funnily enough due to the fact she’s interfering and too controlling.

If your partner or spouse did this to you, it would be swiftly identified as coercive control. That's the accurate description and the legal position.

I can only repeat what I said earlier. You cannot negotiate with this woman. She is damaging your children. Please just cut the cord and walk away.

So your dh is nc but you put your kids through this manipulation and control because.......?
You are allowing her to do this, Why?
Surely if your dh doesn't deserve her bad behaviour, then your kids don't either.

As your DH is already NC with his mother I would text her and ask directly why DD can not have her own money to buy something she needs. And while I'm at it I would ask for balances on the DC bank accounts.

And if she text's back asking why you are asking for this information and whether or not you trust her, I would say no actually I don't trust her because her own behaviour suggests that the money she has given your Dc doesn't actually exists or she spent it on herself.

Either way I would give DD the £100 so she can buy the Laptop she wants, and if 'granny' gives the DC any money this Christmas I would refuse to give it to her and let the DC keep it themselves.

The worst that can happen is she goes NC with all of you which by the sound of it won't be a bad thing.

I haven't rtft but I am wondering why your in contact with your MIL if your DH is NC. I would be raging if I were him.

In all manipulation and coercive control, there is a hook.

The hook is the money, and the bank accounts.

You are holding on to the hook (I will give the money) and accepting the implied contract (I will eventually do the right thing).

LET GO OF THE HOOK. LET GO of the imaginary £550. Let go, OP.

Walk away from the money. Walk away from the false contract. Walk away. STOP BITING THE HOOK. The sunk costs are in your mind!

Have your own contract with your incredible DD for the £100, open their own bank accounts (or negotiate with the bank for direct child access provided she is over 13 - you will probably find there is no bank account)

and decline participating in this game forever more.

Please do not send the suggested messages. Personality disordered people NEVER say 'oh my gosh! I had no idea I was behaving so badly. THANK YOU for the insight, I will change my ways immediately'. No, that never happens. She gets a kick out of this. So take the reward away.

You can ask for wrapped gifts, but that won't happen either. So you can either:

go through the charade of the money in the envelope and not let it bother you; or

decline to participate and go NC.

Those are your only two options OP. Don't let her play with your children with your full connivance, because £££ is the hook. It is BS.

You are letting your children down, sorry but you are.

Another vote for NC. It's a horrible relationship for your children. Protect them from it.

If it's in a card then take it away straight away so she cant take it back. Or just say, "no thank you, please don't give them money if they cant really have it!"

My MIL does this and has done for 17yrs. Says she will put money in my Stepchildrens accounts and they can have their Birthday & Christmas money on their 18ths. For years they have had to sit through their cousins being pawed over opening theur presents from her and being made a fuss of on their significant birthdays (13th trips to festivals, the Theatre, New York for 13ths,)

Its my Stepsons 18th in Jan and he wants to go to NYC so I have already pre empted this by telling MIL he will need the money drawing out in December so he can get prepared....

People like this get away with the shit they pull because it's so outrageous no sane person would understand the motives behind it, so are paralysed with how to deal with it

This ^

Talk to your DC's. Explain that the money isn't really a gift and as it's just bring used to control you will not be accepting any in future and won't be asking for the money DGM already holds unless she transfers into a bank account the kids set up that she had no access to. Teach them about controlling behaviour and how to deal with it. That gift is worth much more than the money their DGM pretended to give them.

The only contact you should be having with this women is to tell her as a family she won’t be hearing from you all again.

Why have you, your DP and your step DCs’ mother stood for that lovesapinot?

You could play her at her own game. Open accounts for both DC and ask MIL to transfer their money as they are learning about budgeting/finances at school. Advise that they will take her out for tea and cake as a thank you when she has done this. Then wait. No contact until it’s done and remind her every time she starts to whine, but no discussion.

Can you not just take the card and refuse to give it back?

The alternative is refuse the money and tell your MIL you're fed up of her controlling the money.

Yes the money gets put in a Xmas card when we go there Xmas eve and she then takes it back.

I too would love to hear how this process goes. Do they open a card with money in it and then she tells them to hand it back over? Why do you let her do that OP, when you know that this is what she will do every time. You could take the money from them to look after if you wanted to.

I also don't understand why you've let it go on so long. You say she has kept £300 of your DD's money and £250 of your DS's money. Don't you see that she doesn't regard it as theirs, she sees it as still hers? It's still in her purse/bank account after all. She's winning in so many ways. She gets to look generous giving them large sums of money. Then she keeps the money so she hasn't spent anything, keeps your children on a string dangling the promise of gifts for them, and then doles out little less expensive gifts that they have to beg her for. She also gets the enjoyment of turning them down and hurting them like she did your DD. Why are you letting this continue OP? You're allowing her to hurt your children again and again for the sake of imaginary money that they will never be given. Your DH has the measure of her, why don't you?

For years they have had to sit through their cousins being pawed over opening theur presents from her and being made a fuss of on their significant birthdays (13th trips to festivals, the Theatre, New York for 13ths,)

They didn't have to, you made them. If she couldn't treat the children equally then she shouldn't have been allowed access to any of the children.

Its my Stepsons 18th in Jan and he wants to go to NYC so I have already pre empted this by telling MIL he will need the money drawing out in December so he can get prepared....

Wait for it not to happen. You know what she's like.

Well your H can tell her straight that the money isn't wanted as the DCs don't get to spend it nor can they do what they want with it, yet it's meant to be a present. Why even tot up what it amounts to? It's a silly game she's playing, I'd rather provide for my own DCs than put up with controlling nonsense. You could have done that years ago, and also encouraged DC not to ask their gran for money.

It's your MILs money, withdraw from the game let her get on with whatever she wants to.

This happened to me, all my years I was told on birthday and Christmas that money was going into a special savings Account for me When I reached 18. Its far too outing to say what happened but put it this way, we didn't get any money and it felt like a big lie, that money being metaphorically dangled for years. Cut her off, no one needs this shit.

Teach your children a more valuable than £££ lesson that you don't appear to have been taught yourself.

Don't lower yourself to the point you let people control you for a few pounds. Your self worth and integrity is worth much more than that.

Text her that the dc have decided to support a charity this Christmas and would they just send Oxfam the amount for 2 goats?
Let her know the dc are not counting on anything as per....
Personally I would give the dc the cash they have had stolen and tell pil to swivel. Ia nc with both my dps and wouldn't cross my mind to allow them to abuse my dc....
Which is what you are allowing imo.

This is about power. So take the power.

YOU: Oh, by the way MIL we won’t be able to do Christmas Eve with you this year
MIL: but then I can’t give the GC their money
YOU: well they haven’t really been allowed to spend it for the last few years, so I’m not sure it matters. But if you’d like to transfer it to them, account details are xxxx

It's horrible to refuse to give children money, whilst claiming they'll get it for their 18th birthday. Children have limited access to funds even if they have Saturday jobs, so presents are one of the main way they can have money they decide what to do with. Refusing to give it to them throughout their childhood with a promise they'll get it some time in the future is horrible.

People can be really weird about money, especially narcissists. They can't bear to give it away because they feel that they are losing out.

We have similar. Mil had a money box for ds (for each grandkid) and every so often he was told there was accumulated money he could spend but he always had to say what he wanted and she would get it. In fact she got her know it all BIL to find it for her "cheaper on line than in the shops" but he usually got the wrong thing and ds just had to put up with it hence the dvd set in german

Once DS asked if he could have some of the money to go to the shops to choose a game (with me) and was told no!

It was difficult to say anything because she didnt have to give him pocket money...until one day when we were round there just after his birthday. Another relative was there and gave him his card with a few pounds in it which he handed to me to look after. Mil was out of the room at the time but when she came back in ds told her that xxx had given him some money. Immediately she said she would put it in the money box for safe keeping, and did not like it at all when I said I had it and we would be adding it to his other birthday money for a promised shopping trip.

We just gave up really, didnt bank on her money for anything (luckily we dont have to) and just refuse to play her games!!

I think I'd give it one go to reason with them and if it's still a no go NC and forget the money. Sad for your DC but they will be better for it I. The long run. They sound horrible.

Tell her to either give them the money without policing it or not bother at all.