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Original poster

MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD

347 replies

FluffyUnicornClouds · 05/11/2019 07:42

For Xmas & birthday PIL gives the DC money to buy themselves something, however MIL always takes it back home with her to “keep it safe” the problem is if the kids want to buy something she has to police what it is. If she thinks it’s worthless tat or she doesn’t approve of what they want she won’t give them the money.

Now to a degree I do agree with this as obviously I’m not going to allow my DC to spend their money on absolute shite and we have denied requests for Roblox / fortnight coins in the past.

However DD wants to buy a mid priced laptop for herself. She’s in her second year of secondary school and they have recently gone over to doing the majority of the homework and submitting it on the PC. We all currently share a family PC but DD now wants to buy herself one. For homework and also as she likes to write short stories.

DD has saved up her money. We recently moved and prior we all had a massive clear out and sold anything we didn’t want on eBay with the proceeds of that and her pocket money she is £100 short on the laptop she would like.

She’s asked MIL If she can have the £100 shortfall from her Xmas and birthday fund and MIL has outright refused telling DD it’s a waste of money to buy a new console to play games on, she has explained its for homework but she’s still refusing.

DD said to me what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it. A few months ago she wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. MIL has over £300 of DDs money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money.
Every year she asks them what they want, they tell her and she says il just give you the money to buy it. She’s already said she’s doing the same this year.

So how would you handle this situation? I can’t leave it to DH to sort as he is NC with her funnily enough due to the fact she’s interfering and too controlling.

OP posts:
ButtonMoonLoon · 05/11/2019 10:27

I would stop this right now.
Having lost the ability to control her son she )s now doing it to your children!
I’m astonished that you’ve let it go on this long, she is effectively holding a gift to ransom!

Sotiredbutcannotsleep · 05/11/2019 10:30

IME It's so she can brag to her friends and the rest of the family how generous she is (but skipping the part about keeping the money)

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 05/11/2019 10:32

Ex mil gives my DC money for Christmas but always via exDH. They insist they go out and spend it on a massive shopping spree on pointless stuff they’re just buying for the sake of it.

They are teenagers, have their own bank accounts and can manage their money well. Dd2 want a camera for school, bless her she’s sold her old game consoles and games and is buying one second hand (and will also use some pocket money and birthday money from my DPs that she’s saved up).

Luckily we have as little as possible to do with them. I try not to get involved, they’ll work it out for themselves.

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DartmoorDoughnut · 05/11/2019 10:32

Liking the idea about going to the bank and getting the address changed. Then close the account down and set up new accounts for your DC and put the money in there.

Definitely take the cards and cash from your children straight away this year if you do go.

Although frankly I think you should follow your DH’s lead and all go NC.

Mumshappy · 05/11/2019 10:34

From now on I'm going to pull this stunt with everyone. Give cash take it back for safekeeping. Costs of xmas = zero. Grin

LovePoppy · 05/11/2019 10:35

Why are you so passive here OP?

You’re allowing (basically encouraging) your mil to fuck up your kids

It’s time to grow a spine

Hollywolly1 · 05/11/2019 10:39

I can't even bring myself to read your 2nd post,this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read the woman is clearly crazy there is no way I could all is this to happen.All she is doing is frustrating your children and absolutely no way would I allow her to torment them like this.

SlightlyStaleCocoPops · 05/11/2019 10:43

Tell her to shove her money right up her arse.

Sotoes · 05/11/2019 10:48

This is such an easy problem to sort out.

No contact unless she returns the children's money, which she has effectively stolen. You are in the extremely fortunate position of having a sensible DH, follow his lead.

SunshineAngel · 05/11/2019 10:48

It's not her sodding job to look after your children's money OR to tell them what they can or can't spend it on. Put your foot down and ask for the money that belongs to YOUR children. And then YOU can let them spend it or save it as YOU see fit.

Some people just can't stop interfering!

toomuchtooold · 05/11/2019 10:50

Your kids don't have 350 quid and 200 quid at grandma's, they have what she's given them (a pair of football boots for your DS in three years or so, and sod all for your DD if I've read it correctly) and the rest of it is just hot air. if you can afford it I'd make up the shortfall for your DD yourself, and prepare your kids that they're never going to see that money - roll your eyes and go "I wonder if we'll get the usual nonsense from granny, the hundreds of pounds that never actually materialise" and when she pulls her usual stunt at Christmas, just sort of treat it as the pantomime it so clearly is. That'll annoy her much more than if you go in head on. At the end of the day, people like this, you can't get them to act like normal folk, all you can do is decide how much of their batshittery you're going to put up with.

Kaddm · 05/11/2019 10:53

What a freak

Basically accept that your MIL has stolen all that money from your DC and don't think that your dc have any money. Because they basically don't.

If you and your DH can make up the last 100 for the laptop, give it to your dd right away.

Then cut her off. She sounds totally evil. And don't buy her a christmas present!

MIL is abusive so don't expose your dc to her games.

BrokenLogs · 05/11/2019 10:57

Wow, terrible behaviour from your MIL.

But why are you allowing her to act this way Confused

viques · 05/11/2019 10:57

Do you or the children give her presents? Time to start wrapping up empty boxes, writing cheques post dated to 2050, forgetting to put the card in the envelope, sending the batteries but not the gift.........

millymae · 05/11/2019 10:58

I’d be seething about this OP but before doing anything I might regret I’d pick up the phone and explain calmly to MIL that your daughter wants to use the money she’s been gifted to buy a laptop which will be used for educational purposes. Put lots of emphasis on the fact that this would be the perfect gift for her and that it would be something that she would get many years of use from and that it would benefit her education in lots of ways. Throw in as an aside how lovely it would be if she could tell everyone that the laptop was a present from granny ......
Such an approach would obviously not appeal to some of the posters on here but from what you’ve said about her MIL doesn’t appear to be someone who would appreciate you going in with all guns blazing.
If she still takes the view that this is something she feels to be an inappropriate use of her money then I’d tell her straight that her birthday gifts are not gifts at all if the children can’t spend their money on what they want, and that it would be kinder if she just paid the money into an account for the future and did away with the pretence that it was to buy themselves what they wanted for birthdays or Christmas

Ellie56 · 05/11/2019 11:05

OP Just stop. Stop allowing this vile controlling woman to manipulate and emotionally abuse your poor children like this. It is incredibly damaging.

Stop visiting. Stop all contact.Your children don't need this toxic woman in their lives.

How come if your DH is NC the rest of you aren't NC too?

GreenyEye · 05/11/2019 11:14

You need to either take the money from the gift cards the moment the kids open it, and refuse to give it back.

OR

Go NC with her yourself and stop giving her room to abuse your children.

Topseyt · 05/11/2019 11:16

I think you need to meet with your MIL, TELL her (don't ask her) that you want your DD to have a laptop, that she's got the money in her account (that MIL is holding) and you'd like it now

Yes to this. Also ask her why the fuck a laptop that DD has saved for and which she needs for school is deemed unworthy.

If you do keep up your relationship with MIL (and I wouldn't, DH is NC for a good reason) then you will have to get much more assertive about this. When the children open the cards with the money in them then YOU immediately take the money, put it in your purse and say that it will be going into the accounts YOU have for them.

DD could have her own account by now anyway. Maybe DS too. MIL should not be controlling the finances here. She sounds like an arse.

Jellybeansincognito · 05/11/2019 11:16

She sounds horrible. All she is teaching your children is financial control.

It is not ok.

A gift isn’t giving someone money but keeping it and controlling it.
She’s also undermining you in the process.

I’d cut contact with her and teach your children that under no circumstances is financial control ever ok

Cobblersandhogwash · 05/11/2019 11:17

Bloody hell. She's a real nutcase. And she clearly enjoys this total control. It's very twisted.

I would just refuse any gifts from her. Just tell her her gifts aren't wanted anymore because she clearly doesn't understand the concept of 'gift'.

The dcs don't see it anyway so it makes no difference to them ultimately.

Loopytiles · 05/11/2019 11:18

Just seen that your DH was/is (which is it?) no contact with his mother.

You both need to do better at protecting the DC from her bullshit! Including talking to the DC openly about her behaviour over “gifts” being v wrong.

Topseyt · 05/11/2019 11:20

Your kids do not need a relationship with this poor excuse for a grandparent. Why are you trying to perpetuate it when your DH clearly doesn't want her in his life?

MiniCooperLover · 05/11/2019 11:21

I'm sorry OP but you and your DH have let your kids down by allowing this to continue. When the money is handed over the kids should say thanks so much and hand it straight to you. By not taking it and putting it away you're trying to avoid a 'scene' I'm sure but you're letting your kids down.

CruCru · 05/11/2019 11:25

How does it work at Christmas if your husband doesn’t have any contact with her? Do you all go there and leave him behind?

nmc99 · 05/11/2019 11:29

I would honestly show her this thread - what a nasty piece of work.