He’s embarrassed of me isnt he ?

[sociallyanxious]

I have severe social anxiety. If I have to attend something I am stressed for days before and it gets worse then the occasion itself I am so shy I can’t really talk and it’s awful.
Afterwards I’m exhausted.

We don’t really go out much. There’s a family occasion coming up. Dh kept saying we can’t get out if it but offering things like he would just take the dc or go alone (his side of family).

I thought I’d try just for once to be ‘normal’ arranged a sitter. Thought he would be pleased but his face fell.

He told me he can’t put up with how I am. That we aren’t going
He’s embarrassed of me isnt he

Just a thought, are you sure there isn't an underlying condition? I have a friend who was treated with tablets for similar. Turned out she had undiagnosed autism. Doctors often struggle to diagnose these things properly.

I am concerned that you have been with DH for a lot of years and he has not found a way around this for the whole family.

No not currently as ds is only 1. The plan is meant to be I will work part time once he has the 15 hours a week

How will you go to work when you can't buy a pint of milk or take your kids to school. Ridiculous to think that will be possible.

Medication can really help. Please try something. Apart from the type you would take every day, there are beta-blockers like propanalol, which you would take just before an event (say 45mins) - it will keep you calm. It works differently from SSRI drugs. Honestly, I promise you, it can work wonders.

I don’t know this is just how I’ve been from as far as I can remember I recall feeling this way aged 3/4 at nursery school so it’s just how I am ?

'Nothing helps.'

There are always new meds they can try, there are dozens, keep going back.

As to CBT, if you've had that then you know you do have to put yourself out there (as you rightly were planning to do.)

There are loads of therapies you can try.

Keep going back, trying new meds, therapies etc. I know it's hard, but you owe it to yourself and your family.

It was a bit cruel of your DH to say that, though.

It is 2 years away surely if I try again and get different help then it could be possible ? Is it really ridiculous? I actually will need to do part time when dd gets his 15 hours at pre school I need to do something

if he has a bit of a spine one day he is going to say enough and walk off to try to have a normal life

I'd be surprised if even so generous a man hasn't considered this already - maybe finances have prevented him - but hopefully OP will be able to stop the rot before it gets to that

What kind of social things is he able to enjoy outside of the home, OP?

Bless you OP, sounds really tough. I sort of see where your dh is coming from but at the same time, protecting you from the discomforts of attending events and everything else all these years has made your anxiety ten times worse. He is enabling your behaviour, perhaps your parents did too because they want to protect you from discomfort. It's a shame you used to do all the school runs now don't do any based on what the school said to you, is it a small school? I can't imagine our school would notice the behaviour or lack of volunteering of one parent, as the school is big and everyone is too busy. I am an anxious person too, part of which is I care so much about the opinion of others and getting things wrong, my DH is confident and gives much less of a shit than me about what others think. I think my anxiety is not as debilitating as yours though, I think you should really reach out for professional help. But ultimately, I know one truth, you will never recover by avoiding what you fear, only by exposure will you ever begin to recover, that's why I sort of think it would be good for you to go to this event but also understand why it would frustrate your DH.

how old are the children?

I'm sorry, but they can't possibly be unaffected by this. And assuming that they're young, things are only going to get harder as they want to have friends round, and in their teens, they need to know how to interact as young adults, without an example.

This must be extraordinarily hard for you, OP, and I'm absolutley sympathetic to you. But you must realise that you have to address this again for the sake of your children.

I don't mean to sound harsh but once your kids are a bit older and more independent your DH probably won't be sticking around.
He earns the money, does all the school runs, does all the kids activities, you won't eat with him and there are issues with sex

I was thinking the same thing. He sounds like he's just the earner/chauffeur/carer. He's not getting much back, he's not even getting a shag.

And before you think that sounds harsh, my mum was profoundly physically disabled and my Dad was her carer. Events outside the house were a massive expedition. But I know they had sex when I was growing up. That must have helped their relationship a lot. Also she could talk to people once got to the event so he could actually enjoy himself once he got there. These things seem like small things but they make such a difference to a marriage.

OP I'm assuming you are on the ASD spectrum. What help have you had? I think you need help just to function at the level of basic good manners and teach your children to.

FWIW FIL was probably hf azpergers. Never acknowledged. Three dc just had a weird upbringing because MIL facilitated and had few social manners in any event. DH was OK - was nurtured by neighbours, SIL1 with her father's tendencies is a nightmare, SIL 2 is happy go lucky and with a decent chap. We are all 50s btw. SIL 1's family is an unboundaried mess.

I really get before this was just me and resigned to it but today I get the wanting to be ‘normal’ or else I wouldn’t have organised a sitter etc. So there is a part of me deep down that wants to improve things. I’m reading all the responses and trying to digest it all but some say baby steps others say that’s not enough some say change could happen then someone says it’s ridiculous to even think in 2 years I could work.
I’m just a bit overwhelmed I think I’ll take a step back and re read it all and try to absorb everything

' don’t know this is just how I’ve been from as far as I can remember I recall feeling this way aged 3/4 at nursery school so it’s just how I am ?'

We all have natural traits, but that doesn't mean there aren't some things we can do about it. I have autistic traits so am a bit crap at socialising. Telling myself I don't start on a level playing field as everyone else does help me. But there's no doubt stuff I can try, so I will.

You need a professional to help you OP, not posters on a forum. As much as we are trying to point you in the right direction, you need a proper care/therapy/treatment plan.
I don't think this is something you can do on your own, even with so many helpful posters.

It's great that you've got the feeling of wanting to try, keep hold of that as much as you can and try and channel it into getting help.

Can you manage a doctors appointment? Even if you have to write down what you want to say Incase you clam up when you get there? You've tried two medications but there are so many others that might help

You say you want to be back at work in two years but you openly admit you've been like this since you were 3 years old. Without a lot of damn effort it's not going to be easy to change a life time of this. Unless it's got profoundly worse since having the baby.

Has the issue of sensory overload ever been brought up as a possible cause of your social anxiety? I only ask as I get really bad sensory overload if people are talking to me with loud background music, or you can hear snippets of others talking in a social setting to the point where my mind goes completely blank save for the overwhelming and growing sense of panic. You say that you stay within your safe, controlled environment as much as possible which is possibly why noise, lights, colour etc can feel overwhelming manifesting itself in brain meltdown of sorts. This can be worked on, even just by going to the shops with nice music on headphones until you feel comfortable just entering a shop initially without headphones on etc.

Would you DH walk with you to the shop and get a pint of milk. The next day go again and he walks a bit behind you. Keep extending the time you are walking alone.
I have been through something similar and it was along these lines that I have improved a fair bit.

Autistic traits are one thing (you mightn't even have that, but just be a naturally anxious/shy person.)

For myself, other issues resulted from finding it hard to socialise, the rejections hurt me etc so therapy helps with that. There are probably things that've happened to you, or negative beliefs etc you have that could respond to therapy. It's also possible (hopefully!) for us to learn better social skills.

As to people saying you wouldn't be able to work in 2 years, everyone's different in their response to therapies/treatments, and also there are all sorts of jobs. I found cleaning ok because if the person gives you a key and you do it while they're out, it's really peaceful as you don't have to have much to do with other people at all :)

Just don't beat yourself up- try your best in life, including trying new treatments etc, and that's all you can do. xx Hugs xx

You mentioned speech therapy. I know there's a long waiting list but I'm surprised you haven't been referred for that. Those people have special skills.

Get off mums net and go tell DH how brilliant he looks after the kids, have a slice of toast together and a shag. Then get to the GP on Monday morning :-)

I don’t understand why you got a sitter and surprised him by saying you will go, sit in a corner just getting through it and then leave after an hour.. things are much easier for everyone if he went alone or with the kids like he already suggested and then he could leave when he wanted to. Anxiety is a bitch, I know because I have it, you can’t be this selfish about other people’s reactions though. Our anxiety doesn’t just affect us, if affects those around us too, especially your husband as it sounds like you pretty much can’t go out without him because he needs to do all the talking etc, that’s not an easy burden to carry and can be draining.

OP, I think a lot of us are saying baby steps are pointless because they're far too easy to avoid doing. If it's just, say, putting the bins out, there's a high chance you'll just leave it for DH to do because technically, you don't "need" to do it. The world won't end if you don't put them out.

If you challenge yourself to something you have to do, there's a much greater chance that you'll do it. If you know there's repercussions for not doing it, that is an extra motivator to try.

Talking about how you'll be in work p/t in a year is silly because you aren't anywhere near there. It would be like me saying I'll be a doctor in a few years with no experience, the right a levels or the degree.

The main priority is you start pushing yourself, daily, to get out of the house.

Do you drive? If so, picking the kids up is reasonable to do. You can put music on, park a few minutes away from the school and bring a book to distract yourself. If you would need to walk, a big hat and scarf will cover most of your face. You can walk looking at the pavement to avoid eye contact and wait around the corner until they come out. You can put headphones in so no one will try talking to you. Once you've done it a few times you can stand outside the school gates. You can start doing the odd smile at a passerby. Etc.

DP did similar before he actually got some treatment and engaged with it for a change, even when he'd had some more difficult situations.

Strangely enough, if it was something he wanted to do, he could do it no problem. But important to me? Nah - the best I could hope was that he wouldn't refuse to leave the house at the very last minute or suddenly get up and walk out seconds after we'd walked into wherever it was or thirty minutes later when I'd gone to the toilet, leaving me to come out, realise he'd gone and have to go running down the street after him or sort out how I was going to get home by myself.

Eventually, following a traumatic bereavement, I stopped tiptoeing around him. I told him he was (albeit unintentionally) being controlling and abusive. He was financially abusing me because he couldn't/wouldn't work. He was controlling me by ruining things when they were important to me but could do whatever he fucking wanted all the fucking time. He was isolating me from people because it sucked all the joy out of life knowing that the same person now claiming they can't leave the house or speak to a single person, including me, was happily posting away on SM or chatting to people on the phone. Or out somewhere else. He was embarrassing me when friends had to tell me 'he's gone' or he hid in a corner with his coat on and his hat pulled down in case somebody saw him. He was stonewalling me by refusing to speak to me if I was upset at being abandoned publicly. He was coercing me to behave by making everything all about him not being happy and fuck you, Mitzi, your feelings don't count compared to My Mental Health And if he wanted me to appear to be a single fucking woman, I might as fucking well be one, because my celibate cock lodger is seriously cramping my style.

He pulled his head out his arse and went to the doctor. He got a job. He was fine, even though he wasn't comfortable doing it, the prospect of being out on his arse if he continued to expect to remain in his comfort zone was significantly less appealing.

He's glad he took that first job. He's glad he took the next. He's glad that I made it absolutely clear to him that I no longer cared if he felt scared, I'd had enough.

Honestly, you are likely to end up as a single woman - not a single parent - if you continue to insist upon Baby Steps (otherwise known as Pretending to Make an Effort) and not engaging fully with therapy even when - especially when - it's hard, because if you can't/won't take your own kid to school, you're not in any position psychologically to say that you would be the most suitable person to have care or residence.

Does the prospect of that make you slightly keener to get your backside out and see a professional and keep trying? or are you going to freak out and say I'm being mean to you?

What's more important - being comfortable or being a parent?