He’s embarrassed of me isnt he ?

[sociallyanxious]

I have severe social anxiety. If I have to attend something I am stressed for days before and it gets worse then the occasion itself I am so shy I can’t really talk and it’s awful.
Afterwards I’m exhausted.

We don’t really go out much. There’s a family occasion coming up. Dh kept saying we can’t get out if it but offering things like he would just take the dc or go alone (his side of family).

I thought I’d try just for once to be ‘normal’ arranged a sitter. Thought he would be pleased but his face fell.

He told me he can’t put up with how I am. That we aren’t going
He’s embarrassed of me isnt he

I think I need to make myself go to the shop down the road each day to get something. It’s quick and it will be some kind of social interaction ? But not prolonged ? And I can go in after and just calm down.

I do need to get ds out each day. I try so so hard with that that I get exhausted. Some days it’s only a quick walk if it’s not a group day. Last week I managed to get him in the garden all morning to play. Even going in my own garden has been a struggle. I think maybe for the next few weeks that’s enough.
School runs just fill me with utter dread tbh at the moment

At the moment I’m taking no steps so I think small steps are the way to start
I’ve done the referral for talking therapies I’m assuming they’ll be in touch when they can see me

Could you ask your parents if you had any issue with speech from a young age? Undiagnosed language disorders and social anxiety often go hand in hand:

www.banterspeech.com.au/your-right-to-know-long-term-social-effects-of-language-disorders/

Keep trying OP - don't give up. Try the meds - if you don't then how will you know if they work or not?

If your DH gets admitted to hospital or leaves you, you're royally screwed!
I was admitted to hospital with appendicitis as an emergency and my DH literally had to suddenly do everything overnight - luckily he can and does do those things already but if your DH is in that situation I'm afraid you're fucked. And don't assume it won't happen to you because it may do.
You'd HAVE to take your kids to school, you'd have no choice. Better to fix it now rather than end up being forced into that situation.

How will you be able to get to a talking appointment and talk to them?

I don't mean to sound harsh but once your kids are a bit older and more independent your DH probably won't be sticking around.

^I agree. I couldn’t put up with it either.

OP all you keep giving is excuses. I don’t really see that you want to get better. You keep trying to paint your husband in a bad light.

I had to put down the issues so I assume at an appt they will know what to say to me ?

What did you do about education if you didn't go to school? have you ever worked?

OP anxiety is horrendous and a lot of posters who are advising/ berating you clearly have no idea how debilitating it is. There is some good advice on this thread too and I think self referring to talking therapies and speaking to your doctor about medication would be good steps.
Also try to reach out to people you trust and slowly spend more time with them

The school sent my work home I did it there and some days if I managed to get in they let me sit in the SEN room to work alone. I did my GCSE’s but exams were always fine as it was a silent room I could obviously just sit down do the exam then leave after.

I had a lot of jobs I found it very hard to keep them as get so overwhelmed so I changed a lot especially aged 18-25

I couldn’t take a language exam as couldnt do the talking part of it the school just let me drop all foreign languages

I think it sounds fair... while he knows it's your anxiety it's awful having to babysit someone at a fun event and knowing you're so stressed and people probably comment.

Just easier for him to go alone

What jobs have you had and how did you two meet?

I had quite crippling anxiety and depression after my ex left me and DD. I was on citalopram but it made me feel weird.

Sertraline was the one that made me feel somewhat normal. Maybe discuss that one with your GP.

You said the DCs are unaffected but also that some days you struggle to even get to your own garden.
They must notice that their mother never speaks to anyone, never socialises, they never have friends over, their mother never ever goes to school or attends school events.
If I was your DH I would be exhausted. Utterly exhausted. Mentally and physically.
Can you blame him for being utterly and totally fed up?

If you can’t eat in front of him or even get to your own garden can you see why he was so unconvinced that you would last a whole hour in a social situation? And slightly disbelieving?

How did you meet and develop a relationship with your husband?

He was a childhood friend

This must be something more than just social anxiety because if you can't go into your own garden when there's no one in it that you have to speak to, there must be more anxiety going on than just interacting with people.

I’ve known him nearly all my life, so there was never really an awkward introduction period as he just knew me and knew how I was I suppose

OP this sounds horrendous for you all.
But I have to say your DC WILL have been affected - just like it's a surprise to you that your DH finds this stressful, they will have realised that their family set up isn't like other peoples.

I'm surprised you've been okay to just not eat with your husband/not go out and not want to try and do something about it BUT I do understand that avoidance can be a huge part of anxiety.

It seems like whenever you've been faced with something that's made you uncomfortable
Or afraid you have just stopped doing it - and now because it's been so long it probably feels impossible to ever be able to try any of those things.

It's great that you're seeking help - I think this is really important for you, for your marriage and your family. Do stick with it, it's not going to be easy, but if you truly want to get better you'll have to accept that it's going to be scary and hard especially at first.

I actually feel very sorry for your husband, it sounds like he's been living half a life just as much as you have.

I hope you can work through this, you sound like you're in a bad way. But do keep posting and talking about it, it may help you to see and continue to see how much you need help.

If you are in London, there are some meetup groups for people with social anxiety. They meet up and some limit it to small groups.

I think setting yourself targets like going to get "a pint of milk from the shop if we need it" are pointless, tbh. I know what I was like at my worst social anxiety. I'd think of every possible way to avoid having to go out. You'll subconsciously never allow yourself to "run out" of milk. The only times I ever went out was when I had to. There was no back up plan a, b, c or d. The school run is a perfect example of this. You'd have to do it. And bt challenging yourself you'll amaze yourself at how you coped. It doesn't matter if you go to the school, fire your hood up and look at the ground. Or wait around the corner. You've done it.

A pint of milk isn't going to cut it in your case.

Lets face it, he lives life as essentially a single parent in some ways. Sounds like he is the one who does everything that has to happen outside the home and you rarely leave the house. That must be totally exhausting for him. It's obvious you have no idea of the impact on your family and today you perhaps finally caught a glimpse of how it affects them. I appreciate that must have shocked you.

I presume you have always been this way with him and he chose to marry you still so I wouldn't say he is embarrassed. More that he has become totally used to living his life outside the house without you. When you announced you were coming he probably couldn't face the idea of how it would affect you (and therefore him and your children). He clearly loves you or why would he have married you!

In many ways it's probably become too easy for you to simply retreat because he has supported you.

Don't offer to go to anything. If you struggle even to get to the shop then there is absolutely no point going to a family party. Get proper help first. I know you have said nothing has worked but honestly I couldn't give up if my life were like yours.

I don't mean to sound harsh but once your kids are a bit older and more independent your DH probably won't be sticking around

Agreed. He probably thinks that if he left now and took the children - which he'd have to do because you couldn't do everything they'd need - you'd completely fall apart and he cares enough about you not to want to see that happen.

But when you can't go out with him, can't eat in front of him so he always has to eat alone, and sex is an issue, I suspect he's long since given up on the idea that he's your husband and now thinks of himself as your carer.

OP it's good to think of going to the shop every day - that would be you practising exposure therapy on your own. The important thing though is that you keep doing it. If you come back from your first attempt and you're shaking and crying, and then decide you're not going to do it again, you'll never get better. You have to do it again and again and again, and gradually you won't feel the same level of fear. And when going to the shop feels completely doable, with only the faintest hint of butterflies, then you try something else and go through the same steps.

Social anxiety is a recognised mental health disorder, and it makes the sufferer's life hell. But like any other MH condition, it's also very tough on those around the sufferer, and yes they often will get to a point where they just can't offer the support they once could. They're burned out. You can get better from this. I'm not saying you'll turn into the life and soul of the party, but you'll be able to have a more normal level of interaction with your environment. But only if you recognise that in the end only you can make it happen, and you're prepared to push yourself through when it gets hard. If you give up the first time you try, this will be your life forever.

Do you work?