Feeling ashamed of how I handled a situation with my daughter this morning

[expatinspain]

I really lost my temper with DD 10 this morning and am feeling awful about it. She ended up really upset and at the time I was angry, but now I'm upset too.

She is just a nightmare with being messy and it drives me insane. This morning it came to a head. We've tried rewards, talking and punishments, but it always seems to end up the same after improving for a while. She's a procrastinator in the mornings and I seem to spend my mornings like a drill Sargent trying to get her out of the door on time. All she has to do in an hour and 15 mins is get dressed, brush her hair and teeth, eat breakfast, make her bed and leave her room in a semi organised state.

She leaves her pyjamas screwed up in a ball on the floor, even though she gets her clothes ready the night before, she puts on different things or tries on different coats and leaves the things she's not wearing screwed up at the bottom of the wardrobe or on the floor hidden, only to be discovered days later. Some of these are new things or just washed. She also spends the morning answering back and arguing about anything and everything or telling me last minute.com about papers she needs signed for school etc.

After a particularly bad morning I went into her room and found a brand new coat screwed up at the end of the bed, stuff on her bed that she'd just covered with the duvet that she couldn't be bothered to put away and I lost my temper. She argued with me and I took everything and threw it in a massive pile on the floor and made her put everything away neatly and really told her off. She was close to tears and really shocked, and she ended up 5 minutes late for school and me rushing to work stressed and upset too.

I will apologise later as I acted out of frustration and it wasn't my finest hour. If anyone has any advice up offer on how to handle things better, it would be very welcome. It's like Groundhog Day every day and I'm so fed up, but don't want to overreact like that again. I've just upset her and myself as I was so pissed off and really shouted at her. Acting in anger is never the best way and I'm not teaching her anything.

trewser well aren't you just a winner Your last nerve never been twanged?

Funnily enough, my kids are kind/funny/thoughtful AND they have been shouted at on occasion (a fair bit). They are humans, not perfect. As are most parents.

Yesterday she was pissing about looking at her pupils in the mirror instead of cleaning her teeth. She started to tell me about them and I just said I DON’T CARE! I DON’T CARE! CLEAN YOUR TEETH!

Brilliant!

Sit her down, apologise for shouting but explain how her behaviour makes you feel. Then ask for her to help you find a solution. She should be doing everything you're asking her to do without prompting at her she, and certainly shouldn't be answering back ( although I have a gobby 8 yo so I can't talk, although she does pick up after herself

Can we club together and get Trewser a big gold worlds best mum cup?

And I've come to the conclusion its because I am not like the majority of parents on this thread.

While I have no idea what your kids are like, I can say in my experience many people who talk about how lovely their kids are compared to other kids might find their opinion of their kids isn’t shared by others.

My old work colleague frequently spoke about her lovely kids and when they visited I found them to be really bad mannered and constant whiners. I was very relieved when they left to let me clear up the breakages they had left behind!

I was wondering the other day why it is that my dds are such lovely people, kind, thoughtful, funny. And I've come to the conclusion its because I am not like the majority of parents on this thread. Some of you sound borderline nasty

😅🤣😂 Ah bless. Where do you keep the big shiny medal you get for being a mother like you?

She's 10. She had a messy room. If you are pissed off with her generally OP you need to pull yourself together and address it as it happens, rather than freak out over something so bloody trivial. Have you not RTFT. I've been doing nothing but addressing things with her, calmly, rationally and trying to find strategies to help her. I'm glad for you that you never get fed up or lose
your temper.

I think you're justified in being angry and losing your temper, and I don't think you need to apologize.

However like @Veterinari I was that messy child, this interaction played out thousands of times in my house growing up, and I was still a messy child, and now I'm a messy adult with an unmade bed and clothes strewn all over my bedroom. So all the yelling in the world might not do any good.

I’ve done the clothes in a pile thing. Ds2sounds exactly like your daughter tbh

I have lost my temper in the past. But I usually apologise if its for a trivial reason. I see absolutely nothing wrong with apologising if you've lost it with a child.

Doyoureallyneedtoask no, sorry, they really are lovely! Good mannered, thoughtful and pleasant to be around. I let them work out for themselves why it's nice to have a tidy room. One is still very messy, i expect she always will be, it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

But I usually apologise if its for a trivial reason. I see absolutely nothing wrong with apologising if you've lost it with a child.

I think you are missing the point. Nobody has an issue with apologising to children if it is justified. People are saying that the child deserved it.

Well, as i said at the beginning, only the OP knows how shouty she was. I don't think any child deserves a screaming banshee chucking clothes into a pile because shes left her coat on the floor, but perhaps the OP was just a bit cross. Who knows?

I don't think you overreacted. A calm chat sounds good but not an apology. What you did was not wrong.

Well, you see, it bothers me when the clean washing is mixed in with the dirty, so no one can tell which is which, and then when DD decides to clean her room, it means all the washing suddenly gets dumped into the laundry. It bothers me when chocolate gets melted into the carpet, or make up ground into it. It bothers me when the festering stench of teenaged child threatens to overwhelm the upstairs. It bothers me when she's said she's lost her PE kit, we end up forking out for a new one, and then it's found mouldering in a heap under a pile of could be clean/most likely dirty/well they're definitely dirty now clothes. . .

Yup. That bothers me.

All power to your elbow if it doesn't bother you.

And like you, I think my kids are (generally) funny, kind, thoughtful, smart people despite being oppressed by being required to conform to standards that would thoroughly infuriate Oscar the Grouch.

All those things bother me and are irritating, and they've all happened to one or other of my dcs. I've never lost my temper and screamed and shouted over any of them. Why would you? Complete waste of time and energy and just makes everyone feel shit.

Wow, good on you! You obviously have an incredibly relaxed/phlegmatic personality.

I definitely don't!

I've definitely lost my temper and shouted at my DC's. Not as often as I'd liked to have, lol. Definitely wasn't a waste of time and energy, as it did improve matters for a certain length of time, and so far no one is in dire need of therapy.

Generally we all enjoy one another's company, have a good talk and laugh, but if someone is taking the piss, they're likely to be called on it, and they know it. (This goes for parents too.) Works for us.

expat. Just as there are cool wives on MN whose husbands do as they please without them turning a hair, so there are cool parents as demonstrated by some on here. You are not in the wrong to expect your child to be a decent member of your household and live within certain rules, for want of a better word. You’re entitled to uphold certain standards and have expectations that your children will do the same. Wanting a tidy, ordered house is not akin to ruling like the Gestapo as some would have you believe.

Trewser Perhaps instead of berating people for losing it, tell people how you persuade your kids to do what you asked them to do for the 500th time while they continue to be the thoughtful, kind children they are?

I pick my battles! I don't care if their rooms are messy. If they don't bring laundry down then they can wear something else. If they crease their new coat the creases will fall out when they hang it up.

When does 'picking your battles' become 'avoiding having any battles'?!

Not saying you do, but I do wonder sometimes whether people (not meaning you, other people I've known) delude themselves that they're 'picking their battles' when in actuality what this translates to is their kids pretty much doing whatever the hell they want, without regard for anybody else. . .

Which means their kids are lovely - right up until the point that they don't get their own way, and really don't know how to cope with that!

I wouldnt know! I ask them to do stuff and they do it! But they are teens and more reasonable than 10 year olds.

mbosnz I agree and aldd sad o think some people have higher needs for cleanliness and neatness or may even have a cleaner so their tolerance levels are higher.

I recently went away with a friend and her children. She always talks about her fabulous kids and her kids were nice kids until they were asked to eat somewhere other then McDonalds and to walk somewhere instead of getting a taxi. They whinged non stop and my friend gave in to everything they asked for because she is a firm believer in gentle parenting which very often seemed to be non parenting and just giving in. There were a few examples I was really shocked at but would be outing to write but one was that my friend slept in the floor because her ten year old couldn’t decide what bed they wanted to sleep in and rather than insist on making a decision, she said she wanted to sleep on the floor anyway!

Picking your battles is about timing. If you are annoyed that they are taking too long in the morning, you don't make them do something that could easily wait until after school but which will make them late that day! Mixed messages!