Your petty laws...

[LifeInPlasticIsFantastic]

You’ve been made leader of the world and have managed to sort all the really serious stuff out - cured all illnesses, found world peace and order, sorted Brexit etc.

Now you’re allowed to pass 5 petty laws, what would they be?

Mine:

1. People who give unsolicited advice have to wear a hat saying ‘dick head’ for one week.
2. People who enter a roundabout in the left lane and go all the way around, lose their license for one year.
3. People who stop dead in their tracks whilst walking, especially when in a supermarket, are banned from public places until they have completed a ‘how to walk course’
4. The creator of any and all shoes that cause blisters/rubbing are made to walk in said shoes for 500 miles.
5. People who claim to be warm and want to open a window, whilst wearing 72 layers but won’t take a layer off, are sent to Antarctica in a vest and must complete 48 hours without mentioning the cold. Every time they mention the cold the clock resets.

My world is now peaceful. You?

1. People who cut in front of you when you have a pram, have to stand that and get rammed. Hard. Or go on a pram awareness course.

2. anyone who doesn't say please and thank you when asking/receiving something doesn't get it, and have to go on manners 101.

3. anyone who eats with their mouth open while speaking at the same time (having disabilities being the exception) gets chucked out of the room/restaurant publically.

4. any bus driver found to be an arsehole for no reason is fined heavily and made to take manners 101, as above.

5. Anyone using the term "ignorance" out of its correct context, or instead of saying rude, will be slapped, and made to repeat the sentance using more accurate words. E.g Correct way = I'm sorry, I am rather ignorant on the matter. Please could you explain more. Wrong way = get off your phone and stop being bloody ignorant.

Possibly this says more about me than most other things 😅😂

You need to watch The Good Place

Mine would be:

Things with a single use MUST be fit for purpose, eg corkscrews that don't work - jail for inventor!!, curtain rings that don't work - jail for inventor!!, crap camera on my phone - oh well it's a phone not a camera.

Will contemplate the other four later.

This is brilliant.
Also to tie in with your new walking law... people who stop in the middle of the pavement to have a conversation need to be put on a similar course. Drives me nuts.

People who pull out in front of you at junctions and then drive 20mph below the speed limit should be banned from driving for life.

Cups with handles are for hot drinks and glasses with no handles are for cold drinks. Anyone fucking about with this natural order of things will be summarily executed.

Our prisons are too full already you see.

People who take ages to pull away at traffic lights will be banned from the roads.

Anyone sniffing snot up in public must be imprisoned. Get a tissue!

Smoking banned. Punishable with life imprisonment. It stinks.

Teenagers shrieking or screaming in public unless in an emergency or special needs will be quarantined.

Anyone who posts "I hope all are OK" on a social media post alerting people to an accident will have their fingers chopped off. If the air ambulance is there it is safe to say they aren't OK and you are only posting to be a nosy bugger.

Some excellent rules here! Special shoutout to RJ for going straight to execution, is such their belief in people fucking with drinking objects

Shall I just change my rules to bad walkers and bad drivers? Fit all the bastards in!

Anyone who runs in the office get stapled to their chair

Audible phone clicks are banned

Incorrect/late/absent car indicator banned from the road

People who sing along at musicals have their tongues cut out

People who use the supermarket as a social gathering place need to be put to work in said supermarket. If all 10 of them can hog an aisle for 30 minutes, they can at least clean the shelves while they stand there.

Spitting in the street. I think re-introducing stocks for that almost too lenient.
Not picking up dog poo- community service

Ooh, I like this.

People who stop right in front of ticket barriers at railway stations and then look up to check the timetable shall be rammed through the barrier.

People who get to the top of stairs at railway stations then stand stock still to look at the timetable shall be thrown under the train.

Cattle prods also allowed for the above.

There may be a theme here

People who enter a calm, peaceful cafe where most tables are filled with quietly chatting normal people and then start fecking braying at 400 decibels narrating their every menu choice and "thought" thereafter, shall have to tattoo "I must use my indoor voice" on their own arms fifty times.

Children (or adults) on scooters inside buildings shall be subject to tripwires. The management accepts no liability for any consequences.

Whoever designed "peel and re-seal" anything shall be stabbed with all the implements it takes to open the bloody packet and then re-sealed in a secondary plastic bag, just like the bloody packet.

I don't want to waste my last two choices so I'm going to contemplate.

The little twats who regularly egg my house and others, have to clean my windows with their favourite t shirt and then get put in the new stocks installed in every town and pelted with rotten fruit.
Oh and all marzipan should be hurled into space.

1. Anyone who is let out into a queue of traffic and DOES NOT SAY THANK YOU (ie raising a hand in recognition) will immediately have the words THANK YOU shouted at them through their car stereo for 2 straight hours.

1. Anyone who turns the wheel of their car with the heel of their hand will have the engine cut out and will have to walk for a year.

That’s it for the moment

The following will be banned from social media... MLMs, politics, School reports

Waiting for a parking space by not leaving the person space to manoeuvre out the space will get your car forfeited

Listening to a phone/tablet etc without headphones in public would get the device confiscated (including for small children. No one wants to hear Peppa pig on a plane)

1. People who put books down open and flat, or fold down the pages, will be made to volunteer in a public library until they learn proper respect for books.

2. Dogs will be trained to sit, refusing to move, until their poo has been picked up.

3. Anyone using the words 'hubby' or 'hollibobs' will be enrolled in speech and elocution lessons.

4. Avocados will be banned.

5. Shops will be forced to stock products representing all four of the Hogwarts houses; not just Gryffindor and Slytherin.

1. if you can sum up a meeting at the end in 1 sentence you are excused from attending any meeting for a year.

2. any place where 3 or more people are present (other than domestic homes) must have a tea trolly circulate every hour.

3. everyone gets 1 day a year where they be excused all rules of decorum and manners. But that’s it.

4. there’s a quiet hour every afternoon between 2.30 and 3.30. Essential noise only. And I decide what’s essential.

5. all whinging is band. You’re allowed to moan twice, for a third time you have to take it to a tribunal and they will decide if you complaint is valid and enforce a resolution, if it’s not upheld you have to shut up about it for ever.

My law is to have your house number clearly visible and illuminated at night. And the street sign.

Cam you guess I have to go to houses every day with work?

People who choose to sit at the table/seat/place right next to you when there is a choice of other empty places...
Will be forced to wear a large hoola hoop around their middle until they learn to respect personal space

all whinging is banned makes more sense

1. People who cough openly on public transport to be banned from all forms of it for life, including but not limited to buses, trains, trams, coaches and aeroplanes.

1. Electricity will be cut off to neighbours who play music loud enough to be heard over their neighbours tv/own music when played at a reasonable level, and not reinstated until noise limiters have been placed on all of their audio equipment. They will also be subsequently banned from purchasing new non limited audio equipment.

1. People who do not clean up their dog's fouling will be subject to a heavy fine and community service cleaning the walked in dog shit off the pavements

1. It will be a criminal offence to sell jumpers with bits missing (cold shoulder, cut outs from the side /back/cropped ridiculously short)

1. There will be a mandatory 24 hour solitary confinement of anyone who has eaten sprouts so as not to subject the rest of the population to sprout farts. The resulting fumes will be bottled and weaponised for use on those flouting confinement rules.

Quite surprised at some who have only listed one or two! You’ve FIVE, don’t waste them. There are many infuriating fuckers in the world and if we all take our time to rule, they shall be gone!

On the other hand, I’m very impressed with those who have gone away to really consider their options

Loving the three strikes rule for whinging, and the hula hoop personal space solution.

People who chomp and slurp their food with their mouth open (I'm looking at you BIL3) should have it sewn shut until they learn.