Your petty laws...

[LifeInPlasticIsFantastic]

You’ve been made leader of the world and have managed to sort all the really serious stuff out - cured all illnesses, found world peace and order, sorted Brexit etc.

Now you’re allowed to pass 5 petty laws, what would they be?

Mine:

1. People who give unsolicited advice have to wear a hat saying ‘dick head’ for one week.
2. People who enter a roundabout in the left lane and go all the way around, lose their license for one year.
3. People who stop dead in their tracks whilst walking, especially when in a supermarket, are banned from public places until they have completed a ‘how to walk course’
4. The creator of any and all shoes that cause blisters/rubbing are made to walk in said shoes for 500 miles.
5. People who claim to be warm and want to open a window, whilst wearing 72 layers but won’t take a layer off, are sent to Antarctica in a vest and must complete 48 hours without mentioning the cold. Every time they mention the cold the clock resets.

My world is now peaceful. You?

People who Park inconsiderately , ffs do you not care that someone has to squeeze past you .
People that do not understand which traffic lights they should be looking at . People who speed / tailgate .
People who drive like dicks in general . Punishment for all wear a sign to say I can't drive / park for 12 months or early release if stop being inconsiderate to other drivers .
If caught again none of this points rubbish just tar and feather them and make them use public transport for life .
That's all I want less idiots and selfish people on the road I'd be a happy woman .

1. people who park in a free parking space and just sit in the car.
2. people coughing without using a tissue.
3. people who do not clean after their dog.
4. people who alway's think their wright.
5. people who have not got respect.

ALL SHOULD GO ON A HUMANITY CAUSE. ALSO A UNLIMITED FINE.

Men who say to women who are complete strangers ‘cheer up, love’ have to dress as clowns for a month. Seeing a bunch of scaffolders in wigs and great big clown shoes might actually fucking well cheer me up!

Trainspotting. Clearly not as niche as I thought. I do now know that peacocks are freaked out by the sight of their own reflection in French windows. And the only thing that truly scares a middle aged woman is a loudly hysterical peacock peering in at her while she is quietly watching telly.

@Xiaoxiong please tell your dh that he must immediately start publishing the benefits of quiet hour, initially in teacher magazines then the rest of the world. I’ll help. The world will be better when there are quiet moments to hear yourself think.

I am enjoying these rules a lot but you know how there’s rules about good sportsmanship in team games (I think I maybe heard a gym teacher mention it once) should there not be similar for general life. On the stop fine for just being an arse. Enforced by anyone on this thread.

But that’s my 2 moans. I’ll complete the tribunal paperwork if I want to post a third time.

Ooo I like this, some really good petty laws I would use already mentioned but I think I would have:

1. People who say pacific instead of specific will have to write 100 lines of specific looking at you dad

1. People who let their dogs foul and then don't clean it up have to stand in it.

1. People who cut in when you are having a conversation for no reason other than they think what they have to say is more important (children are an exception as they need teaching) shall be sent to @Whiskeylover45 manners 101 classes.

1. People who ask for advice and then just ignore it should be made to explain why they didn't follow the advice in front of a judge and jury, who will then decide if not following the advice was justifiable.

1. People who queue jump should be sent to the back of the queue, and if they do it 3 times they have to have a chaperone everytime they need to queue for something or they won't be served.

@CaptainCallisto As a Hufflepuff I appreciate your service!

1. Anyone who asks how adults can like Harry Potter (or indeed anything else that's considered childish) or criticises your interests/you for being childish can go in the stocks.

2. Anyone harassing Goths, lolitas, Emos, metalheads or anyone else who dresses in alternative fashion can also go in the stocks.

3. The kind of people who say 'you're so brave!' to people for doing fairly normal things like wearing bright pink eyeshadow or going to gigs by themselves will be made to go skydiving or bungee jumping.

4. People who cough or sneeze without covering their mouths will be made to wear masks like plague doctors used to wear.

5. Everyone has to work for a year in retail/hospitality to learn how to be nice to the people who work in those industries!

People who wait until ‘their turn’ and then get their purses out for change causing huge back log will be banned form any form in coinage m.

People who start a conversation with ‘yeah but ....’ will be silenced forever.

Sliders - just No

That girl from the Oral B advert should be extradited to some far off planet never to return -

Go fund me wedding people should not be allowed to get married ever.

Cats will be obliged to spend a set number of hours per day snuggling with their owners (slaves).

Any manufacturer or retailer wishing to discontinue an item must give at least a year's notice and display prominent signs to this effect in all outlets selling said item. A free lifetime supply of any such item will be provided to anyone who already uses said product and wishes to continue.

Anyone using 'of' instead of 'have', grocers' apostrophes and other grammatical errors in written communications will be made to write 100 lines incorporating the correct version for each mistake (extensive list of punishable errors to be approved by me).

Anyone vomiting in public due to over consumption of alcohol will be banned from public places or refused alcohol for the rest of their lives.

Drivers who cut people up on roundabouts will have their licences removed. If they are driving a 4x4 in a town centre they will have an extra punishment too... not quite decided what!

raton Is it male? It was the male trying to fight his reflection prior to breeding that wrecked our wankers car. If your wanker's is also male you could nip round and wax their car daily. Or attach mirror film to their car.

Our wankers had a 'small holding'. Read two acre garden and fuck all knowledge of animal husbandry.

Cross posted with you about the lines Bobthefisherghoulswife

In contrast to your rule about being too warm my first rule would be anyone who wanders around in a t shirt and puts the heating on full in the winter should be roasted over a fire. Put a fucking jumper on!

My other 4:

Time wasters in A&E should be made to stay in A&E for a week sat in resus watching genuinely ill people being treated

Anyone who says teachers have an easy life or are in it for the holidays should be forced to teach for a year unpaid

Anyone who uses the word fewer when they mean less should suffer eternal hell fire

Vague bookers on FB should be forced to watch paint dry to atone for their attention seeking sins

Done.

OP thank you for this thread- it’s cheered me right up!

And can I just say to the poster who came up with Blue Hand Poo Hand . . . you are my new favourite person! That will keep me laughing for a while !

Trainspotting. Yep, it’s a male so I am pretty sure it’s out looking for a fight or a shag. The poor thing could well be lonely, it’s a living creature not a garden ornament. But mirror finish advice is well noted.

Fuckwits (owners, not peacock).

1-people who rattle anything in the cinema or theatre should be exposed to hives for a month

2- those that cannot replace toilet roll once they've used it should be forced to drip dry fit eternity

3- anyone who suggests meeting in a Wetherspoon's shall be condemned to no friends forever more

4- hen parties that involve any more than a drink should be banned and anyone arranging anything extravagant deserves to be dumped at the alter

5- the penalty for taking a toddler to a nice restaurant and allowing he/she to ruin a well earned date night should be subjected to daily playdates

1. Everyone must re-sit their Driving Test when they buy a new car. This will ensure that people either learn to handle the ridiculously oversized vehicle they have just spent £60k on, or else they buy Honda Jazz.

1. Serving under-ripe avocados will result in the restaurant being closed by Food Standard Agency

3.Professional Football to be made illegal. Football using jumpers for goalposts will still be allowed.

1. Flytipping to be punishable by a Life Sentence

1. Eddie Izzard to be compelled to be hilarious again and to stop being a twat.

People who state the obvious as if they are telling you something you couldn’t have possibly worked out for yourself - they need to spend a week with Rod Hull & Emu

@Teacakeandalatte yes to bastard autocorrect. Actually they should be made to speak and live their life based on speech autocorrect.

That person the duckers out.

@solittletime community service? Deaths too good for them! (These were the first two things I thought if)
Both spitters & non pickers should have to, I don’t know, clean an area of pavement with their tongue. And chewing gum droppers and litter droppers too.

1. In a busy car park, people who stand in a parking space to "save" it for their husband/friend/relative should be forced to spend 2 months in the car parking personally directing every car to a space
2. People who pretend they cannot hear you because they have "hearing issues" but can hear perfectly well if you hiss insults about their mother, should be forced to wear headphones for 2 months so they really know what being unable to hear feels like
3. People who insist on making a Sunday appointment to view a house, even though they KNOW it is the only day off we get, confirm it with them the day before and then they don't turn up should have timewaster tattooed on their forehead so no one else has to suffer their poor behaviour
4. I need to think

@Ratonastick I think you may live near me. Niche

Cups with handles are for hot drinks and glasses with no handles are for cold drinks. Anyone fucking about with this natural order of things will be summarily executed.

Well, I'm dead already. I have some handleless mugs which I drink gin out of - mainly because they don't hold enough coffee.

I like @BreakfastAtSquiffanys first law. I do drive a big car and I would like all the other large car drivers to take a test because unlike them, I can bloody drive mine

Anyone that chews gum should be isolated and forced to look at nothing but their own reflection for the rest of eternity.

Everyone should have to work a year in retail or food service and have to survive on minimum wage for that time.
Anyone caught being rude to food service staff should have their food spat in Infront of them and then they're forced to eat it.
Being rude to shop staff earns you a tattoo of WANKER on your forehead.
The country needs a wall down the middle and cat people live one side and dog people the other.
We will have a TV channel dedicated to filming people like Nigel Farage and Alex Jones being forced to be nice to foreigners. If they don't they get a hot chilli shoved up their nose. Or elsewhere.