Your petty laws...

[LifeInPlasticIsFantastic]

You’ve been made leader of the world and have managed to sort all the really serious stuff out - cured all illnesses, found world peace and order, sorted Brexit etc.

Now you’re allowed to pass 5 petty laws, what would they be?

Mine:

1. People who give unsolicited advice have to wear a hat saying ‘dick head’ for one week.
2. People who enter a roundabout in the left lane and go all the way around, lose their license for one year.
3. People who stop dead in their tracks whilst walking, especially when in a supermarket, are banned from public places until they have completed a ‘how to walk course’
4. The creator of any and all shoes that cause blisters/rubbing are made to walk in said shoes for 500 miles.
5. People who claim to be warm and want to open a window, whilst wearing 72 layers but won’t take a layer off, are sent to Antarctica in a vest and must complete 48 hours without mentioning the cold. Every time they mention the cold the clock resets.

My world is now peaceful. You?

Applauding yourself when you give a good answer on a quiz show will resort in you having to give the equivalent of the prize money to charity instead of recieving it

Oh Aroundtheworld you’ve just reminded me, Rob Beckett on Headhunters!!! He takes so long to say ‘correct’ when the contestants only have 90 seconds!! IT GIVES ME THE RAGE

Now I want a sixth rule

Men must sit down to piss. Standing = spraying

Middle lane hoggers to be banned from motorways.

People who create a scrum around supermarket markdowns to be charged double.

Black umbrellas would be banned (rain is depressing anyway, we should all use colourful brollies)

Anyone using a mobile in a cinema to be banned from all cinemas for life.

Every woman to get a free ration of chocolate on their period.

Christmas shall start in Dec and any goods sold before that time should come in plain paper packaging and be hidden round the back.

It shall be illegal to reduce the size of Chocolate bars or change the name of beloved childhood sweets, on a related note dh demands the reinstatement of the walnut on all whips

Whoever programmed my autocorrect should be forced to change every third word to gobbledygook and then look up the correct word in the dictionary before proceeding with what they were saying.

Everyone on AIBU shall be forced to be nice to each other on my birthday and send each other friendly slices of virtual cake.

All womens clothes to be comfy and include pockets.

BMW drivers who fail to indicate must drive a Lada for the rest of their lives.

The Wave will become an essential part of the driving test. Failure to Wave in a Wave Worthy situation is a major fault.

Those stupidly small plastic tubs of UHT milk, of which it takes about 15 to turn a black coffee white, will be banned, and laws passed to ensure jugs of proper milk are widely available in cafes.

Table manners will be assessed and successful applicants issued with a Permit to Dine Out. No-one to eat in public without the correct permit.

People who do not thank you for being let out/in a queue will have their tyres immediate burst and go flat , with a sign on their car roof flashing "I'm an arse"

People who are rude to others are sent on a course of how to behave like a decent human being, a second offence is community service, repeat offenders tarred and feathered in their village.

People who "tut" but don't voice their actual opinion are poked in the eye, repeatedly.

OP you can be our prime minister, I agree with everything on here so far (apart from the one about shoes, I'm happy to suffer for my shoe obsession).
Mine are:

1. if you can't park your stupid tiny car in the middle of the space, parallel to the lines and leaving me enough space to actually open my door more than 6 inches, your car will be crushed and you will have to walk everywhere or use expensive public transport (unless said driver is disabled, in which case your car will just be scratched).
2. if you can't at least pause at the roundabout and give way to the RIGHT, see the punishment above. There is no excuse whatsoever for being a twat at roundabouts unless the bus behind you is about to ram you off the road.
3. anyone who makes a negative comment about my weight and how I've lost too much (not a stealth boast, I've been poorly) is going in the stocks. If you compare it to anyone else, you're being burnt at the stake.
4. @LifeInPlasticIsFantastic is allowed to make 10 laws.

1. If you pronounce 'specific' as 'pacific,' you will be chucked in it.

1. People who don't wash their hands after using the loo will have their hands dyed blue; random tests will be done, there will be a dobbing-in phone line and text service to report the filthy blighters, that blue stain will be there a week and you will have to legally change your name to Blue Hand Poo Hand.

1. Cars will be programmed to know whether the driver should indicate; drivers who do not will find their car tyres ping off in the manner of a clown car.

1. Diet bores will be force fed kebabs. And lard. And kittens.

1. For the non pregnant/out at work parent/the one who didn't give birth, any attempts at competetive tiredness with your pregnant/recently given birth/SAHP partner will be punishable by 48 hours straight of being asked "Why?" by some carefully selected and trained* toddlers. You will have a criminal record and after the first hour, you might have lost the will to live. Tough.

Oh, dammit, I need another one.

5.1 Anyone who uses the phrase WE are pregnant will be forced to live the rest of their lives with piles, a medicine ball surgically implanted next to their bladder, insomnia, spots, varicose veins, incontinence, crazy panic dreams, heartburn, fits of brokenhearted sobbing/violent fury/utter stupidity at random yet totally inconvenient moments, constant nausea, javelin arse and a massive MASSIVE bush.

• read as 'sugared up and on the outside of more additives than a haribo factory'

PS I clearly have issues. Send help.

1. No spitting

1. No sharpie eyebrows

1. If I send you and email; read it and do what I have said needs to be done.

1. Siblings are banned from taking any other siblings belongings, yes even when they’re both in their 30s, unless written permission has been obtained

1. People who design play equipment for children’s parks must take a post-grad course in understanding children’s needs at various ages and take heed that no parent wants to support their toddler’s weight with arms stretched above their head as their little darling tries to get to the slide via the inexplicable metal-bar-with-too-big-spaces bridge on the under 5s equipment.

1. Public swimming pools should actually be accessible to the public for more than 3 hours in a day.

1. Chewing gum is banned. It’s disgusting.

1. If you’re a TV chef and you make sex faces while tasting your own food you will be fined the fee for that show and it goes to a food bank or to feed homeless people. If you combine a sex face with a sex noise, or are too self-congratulatory then not only will you be fined your fee, you will personally have to work a minimum 4 days a week in a soup kitchen for a month. For free. Obvs.

Well I’m voting for Fromage as they were all brilliant but “Blue Hand Poo Hand” made me arf

Anyone failing to make reasonable progress/ needlessly preventing other people's progress should be executed. Whether that's driving, using a cash machine or walking slowly abreast. Reasonable to allow for any disabilities etc

Really shit parking- car clamped until the driver has wanker tattooed on their head.

People feeding horses and livestock without permission, hands chopped off.

Anyone moving to the country that moans about rural sounds, noise, habits etc. Or assumes they can trespass everywhere because they live locally or have come for a day out. Depending on crime, anything from house arrest to kneecapping.

Parents of misbehaving dc that do the silly half arsed 'stop throwing the other dc from the slide Germentrude sweetie pie' routine combined with that doting expression which implies bystanders find Germentrudes behaviour equally adorable. Parent to be uploaded to the website 'parentlikeacunt.com' which I'll introduce, and provide communal childcare with the other local members in their home.

1. people that can't use a filter lane and turn across the lane at the last minute = banned from driving

2. snorting/spitting = lick it back up (and anything else within a 1 foot radius)

3. people that stop dead as soon as the get off an escalator = everyone getting off the escalator can kick them in the arse for the next 15 minutes

4. people that play any music/videos out loud without headphone or FaceTime/Skype in a public place = have to go analogue for 5 years (10 if the offence takes place on a bus/train/plane)

5. parents who smile indulgently while their kids disrupt/terrorise/generally run around causing a nuisance or annoying others without doing anything at all to sort the situation = locked in a room for a month with other people's children doing the same to them (SEN exception here obvs)

Basically anything where someone is only interested in themselves and are therefore an inconsiderate fuckwit should be punished!!

🤣 @TrainspottingWelsh crosses post

@Fromage so with you on the "we are pregnant" thing. Drives me mad. How did that become a thing!!

1. Dog owners who refuse to pick up after their dogs; will be thrown in the stocks, have the dog poop thrown at them, receive 5 years community service and a £10k fine.
2. Vehicle owners who park up on the road I live on and have VERY SHOUTY conversations on their handsfree carphone which even 95 year old Doris 3 streets over can hear (and she is stone deaf), will have their call immediately wirelessly terminated, their vehicle towed and crushed and will be banned from technology for life. I am considering hurling them into a padded room where they will be forced to listen to said incriminating phone call for a period of not less than 72 hours.
3. Jeremy Clarkson for PM. (Wildcard lol)
4. Any idiot parking idiotically at any location will be banned from driving for life and will have to pay £5k for an ancient pushbike that will get them from A to B.
5. Door chuggers will be rounded up and sent away to a far off land and can door chug on each other until their hearts are content!

The End

Well VelociraptorRex, I would love to be PM, but fear only around 15% of the population would survive my new rules!

Fromage Blue Hand Poo Hand is fucking marvellous 👏🏻

(1) People who step off an escalator and look around for what they want, oblivious to the people behind them who are about to be macerated in the mechanism, will be banned from using escalators for life.

(2) People who allow their children to stand in supermarket trolleys with their filthy shoes on where I'm expected to put my food will be sent on an Adult Education Course on Health, Hygiene and Good Manners.

(3) People who allow their large, slobbering dog to jump up at strangers will have 'He's Only Being Friendly' tattooed on their forehead.

(4) Anyone using 'of' instead of 'have' and 'rediculous', 'viscous dog' and 'discusted' in the same paragraph will be given a dictionary and banished to Rockall for a month.

(5) Anyone in the Post Office talking loudly about their operation will be silenced with suitably-placed parcel tape.

ellen you can see yourself out for rule number 3!!!

Wildcard you say?

To the corner you go

Scratchyfluffface - I see you've got the escalator one too (saw it after I'd posted). I thought I was the only one who had noticed this!

Actually I will swap this in to no. 3; any time a woman gets PMS rage or pain, she is to be immediately accommodated with gin/tea/wine, chocolate, full body massage, acupuncture, reflexology, a huge fluffy bathrobe, a deep permanently warm bath and Zac Efron to appear afterwards to tuck them into bed, read them a quiet bedtime poem and then play with their hair until they fall asleep. Zac Efron et al will not be permitted to leave the premises until the woman authorises.

Life I hope I have just redeemed myself 😂

Dogs cannot be taken out until they've pooed in their own garden

People who say 'vehicle' or property' instead of car or house have to live in silence for a week

People who cannot spell have to go back to school

Hmm I'm not sure about the rest but I love the idea of marzipan being hurled into space