Your petty laws...

[LifeInPlasticIsFantastic]

You’ve been made leader of the world and have managed to sort all the really serious stuff out - cured all illnesses, found world peace and order, sorted Brexit etc.

Now you’re allowed to pass 5 petty laws, what would they be?

Mine:

1. People who give unsolicited advice have to wear a hat saying ‘dick head’ for one week.
2. People who enter a roundabout in the left lane and go all the way around, lose their license for one year.
3. People who stop dead in their tracks whilst walking, especially when in a supermarket, are banned from public places until they have completed a ‘how to walk course’
4. The creator of any and all shoes that cause blisters/rubbing are made to walk in said shoes for 500 miles.
5. People who claim to be warm and want to open a window, whilst wearing 72 layers but won’t take a layer off, are sent to Antarctica in a vest and must complete 48 hours without mentioning the cold. Every time they mention the cold the clock resets.

My world is now peaceful. You?

Excellent redemption there Ellen, you may leave the corner.... but I’ve got my eye on you.

Aye Captain. There will be no more wildcards from me!

1. All cats will belong to me. They may stay in their current homes, but I will have the right to visit/pet/squish their toe beans whenever I feel like it.

1. Anyone caught staring at their phone while walking in public will be grounded for 1 week. Double time if doing so while crossing the road.

1. My dp will be restricted to watching 3 football matches a year. There will be a request process for anyone else who wishes to impose the same restriction on their dp.

1. TV adverts will be banned.

1. All doorways in homes will be widened as standard (so that I can buy any fucking sofas I want and be certain they will actually fit through)

People who talk through gigs will be branded on the forehead with the words FUCKING GIG TALKER and will henceforth be turned away from every gig, ever, for the rest of their lives.

People who use their phones in theatres or at the cinema will have their phones removed and stamped on in front of them, and will be banned from having a phone for ever more.

People who get pissed and offensive on trains will be forced to take antabuse medication and only allowed to travel on trains for ever - no other form of transport allowed. Just shitty trains, sober.

All cats will belong to me
A bit like how all swans belong to the Queen.

People who use "yourself/myself" incorrectly are to be tasered.

1. All tourists are now banned from Cumbria during May to allow the locals a breather before summer.

2. Drivers who do 40mph regardless of the speed limit are banned for life.

3. Vague status updates that are designed to elicit "u ok Hun" responses are now an imprisonable offence.

4. There will now be a shop in every town that sells good quality women's clothing devoid of ruffles, sequins, missing shoulders and every other gaudy embellishment for a reasonable price.

5. Dog owners who leave dog mess behind will be forced to roll in it three times.

1. People who are cruel to animals to have exactly what they did to the animal done to them.

1. Cafes to serve a cup of coffee in 30s or less or face closure.

1. Chewing gum and smoking banned unless inside in your own home with all windows and doors hermetically sealed.

1. Burglars have every single thing they own smashed in front of then, starting with anything of sentimental value and everything owned by their parents, grandparents and children. Harsh but pretty much equivalent to what they do to their victims.

1. All Audis to have their headlights disconnected until they are adjusted so they don’t dazzle everyone else, also BMWs. Simpler, all Audi and BMW cars to be crushed.

1- I shall be allowed to have a electric probe attached to my significant other so that I can give them small electric shocks for undesirable behaviour- not answering their phone/ failing to wash up etc..... I feel this would help with house training

2- all children will be required to sit an exam on how to run a home- pay bills and clean up behind themselves

3- all parents will be permitted to use the “safe room” which is essentially a padded room where they can lock their kids for an hour a day as needed

4- anyone found coming into work with a contagious illness will immediately be quarantined in the furthest office and will have to lunch alone, after all other colleagues and be required to disinfect anything they’ve touched

5- all full fat drinks will be returned to their original sugary additive ridden recipes.

Anyone who designs any form of indoor installation (bathroom, kitchen, etc) will have it installed in their own home and have to clean it For 6 months before installing it in anyone else’s house.

Emailing a spreadsheet without setting the print areas will involve a fortnight in the stocks

No one will be allowed to book a flight until they can demonstrate, in a time pressurised environment, that they can go through security properly. I’m not talking about the occasional random assessment of shoes or belt as this can happen to anyone. But when Sharon heaves her suitcase onto the conveyor and proceeds to open it and ferret around for her washbag, while loudly squawking with her mates that she doesn’t understand the silly rules (that are written on the fucking signs every three feet during the interminable queue). When this happens she (and her oversized fucking luggage) will be removed from the queue and vapourised.

God that feels better!

1. Anyone indulging in the stupidness that's going on round our way that is giving way to vehicles coming onto a roundabout (like they think it makes them seem ultra-considerate) = has to drive from one side of Hemel Hempsted's magic roundabout to the other with all the road signs covered up.

1. Anyone using the phrase "overnight oats" = has to eat Coco Pops with 3 tablespoons of sugar on top every morning until their teeth fall out.

1. Any company that manufactures skinny trousers that go baggy at the knees within 3 minutes = has to design and provide school uniforms for every child in the country where they trade for the whole year.

1. Anyone who moans that they are cold and puts a heater on but not a jumper = has to come to work wearing every item of clothing they own, with a swimsuit on the outside of it all.

1. Coffee or mint in a cake = maker will be forced to eat 17 tins of dog food washed down with 3 pints of soy sauce.

Tigger001
People who "tut" but don't voice their actual opinion are poked in the eye, repeatedly
Only just seen this but my favourite so far

People who use the loo in a public place (thinking specifically of my workplace) and then leave their cubicle with piss on the toilet seat / sanitary products only half shoved in the bin / skids on the toilet bowl / wet loo roll on the floor will have to clean all cubicles for a month.

There should be a scheme like the old Cycling Proficiency for Cinema Attendeeship Licence.

If over 18 should have to prove you have a valid licence before you can buy a ticket

Licence based around Radio 5 Code Of Conduct

Too many points and your licence is suspended

After three Suspensions your licence is revoked and you can never go to the cinema in the UK ever again because you are proven selfish dickhead

1. Anyone who disrespects the quiet carriage will be banned for life, there would be noisy carriages and the loud people will all have to go in them together.

1. Lanes on pavements, motorway style, so those of use who move faster than a tortoise / actually walking not staring at our phone can actually get where we are going.

1. No non vital travelling on public transport in rush hour. Family of tourists with 4 kids and 2 folding pushchairs (which no kids were sat in but they wouldn’t fold) who ‘left early because the kids were so excited to see the dinosaurs’ yesterday and then tutted constantly about how packed it was, I am looking at you.

1. People will have to pass a competency test to be allowed to use self service checkouts.

1. People will have to prove they can Park a car properly before they are allowed to buy it, sick of people with 4x4s blocking the road for ages while they struggle to parallel park in a space you could fit 2 busses.

Ahhh that was cathartic!

One person driving in a car with 5 seats, drives me mad when about 60 people do this and cause congestion everywhere - share people or get the bus - stop blocking the road or pick up other people going the same way

And if you move to the country and buy a peacock for your garden without considering how you will confine it to your garden (particularly for shitting and squawking purposes), you will be paraded through the village with a sign saying “Yes it IS my peacock and I AM a selfish wanker”

Appreciate that this is a bit niche. Sometimes it is surprising which laws need to be written down and codified instead of just being really damn obvious.

Every my workplace shall have compulsory Nana Nap rooms, with comfy chairs and soft blankets and anyone I can pop in for ten minutes when required.
A dedicated free channel for every boring fucking sport that takes up huge chunks of normal tv.
Anyone misusing loose/lose will be made to write out the dictionary definition 50 times.

1. "Hocking" banned. Not sure if this is a local term, but that thick snotty snorty swallow of mucus paired with coughing and often spitting the contents out.

1. All pigeons removed from the planet.

1. All bus, metro, etc journeys are £1. Fucks me right off that I pay a fortune to sit on a bus with a bunch of strangers. A quid a trip is sensible.

1. Drive thru cashpoints installed at every petrol station and supermarket.

1. The ability to anonymously "mark" anyone's social media post if it's dull/dickish/unfunny/has spelling mistakes and a set number of "marks" means they get a 1week ban.

People who have those insanely long nail extensions and then type on a touch screen making clicking noises on the screen will have every single nail cracked just enough to be annoying but not enough to fall off.

Every person will have a little clicker on their phone where they can tot up the domestic tasks they do and it will be live shared to their partners' phone. At the end of the day a deficit will be totted up and shown in red - like myfitnesspal but for housework and the mental load.

Any child older than 6 that refuses to eat/drink/rest when they are hungry/thirsty/tired will be given a spaniel puppy to train and care for 24/7. They will quickly realise their mistakes.

People that smoke/vape in children's attractions in defiance of signs will be given an enormous goldfish bowl to put over their heads and smoke/vape in peace, while also branding them as selfish twats.

People whose dogs have no recall and run up to my nervous rescue dog (wearing a harness and flag) while yelling "Fenton! Fenton! Oh don't worry he's so friendly and well trained" will have centipedes released in their house.

Also @flashingbeacon my DH is a teacher and his school has a quiet hour every day for the kids to do their work - he patrols and enforces it on pain of detention! I wish he could do that to the whole world for you...

People who make work calls on the bus and discuss, at full volume, the private details of their clients, colleagues and job applicants will be strapped into their seats and made to listen for one day a week while their own personal shit is broadcast from a loudspeaker on the roof of the bus.

You don't drive you car in the city, great, but don't treat public transport like an extension of your office. I don't want to hear your call and the people you're talking about don't want me to hear it.

Ditto coffee shops. Public places are not substitute work spaces.

1. for driving offences which include but are not limited to; pulling out in front of me at the last possible moment and then NOT FUCKING MOVING; driving at 40 regardless of whether the speed limit is 20 or 60; people who drive at 20 in their village and complain about speeding when they drive through someone else’s village at 40 and sitting right up my arse and pulling round to see if they can overtake when we’re in a queue of traffic - shall have their exhaust fall off repeatedly for the next 6 months. In addition to the cost of repairs, fines of £1000 should be applied to each instance of this offence and this money is to be used in the community where the offence happened for things like improving the environment, making public facilities, ensuring public toilets remain free of charge and clean
2. anyone that litters shall have their hands cuts off. This includes chewing gum and cigarettes. This also includes receipts accidentally blown out of your handbag but no sentence shall be administered if you attempt to catch the receipts.
3. for people who do not have their payment methods ready when collecting or purchasing public transport tickets, they are required to clean a hospital ward recently infected with Norovirus with their tongue.
4. people who do not use basic manners are made to volunteer for at least 8 hours per week for 3 months per instance of bad manners or “forgotten” manners. If they are purposefully rude to someone they shall have ‘twat’ tattooed on their forehead
5. upon selling your house, if the next owners do not find your house to be clean, find you have not taken all your shit, left a fucking chest of drawers in the attic that there is no way of getting down, removed the curtains when you said you would leave them, buried socks in the garden and generally make the new owners cry because they feel they’ve ruined their life buying this house - you are required to pay their mortgage until the mortgage ends or the new owners grow to love the house.

Some fantastic rules here! I’m happy most people get as bonkers as me over shitty things.

I wondered if I can print these and send them to Lizzie to implement?

I wouldn’t waste the paper sending them to Boris, he’d probably be in violation of most.

1. People who sit on their phone when you're trying to talk to them get it confiscated for 24hrs.

2. People who don't put their own rubbish in the bin have to have it in bed with them.

3. People who refuse to help round the house and say "it's not my mess" when you've asked them to do a tiny little thing should have to do everything for at least a year.

4. People who don't communicate and then expect you to drop everyone and do what they knew needed to be done ages ago need to be slapped.

5. Children who refuse to put their washing in the basket and come downstairs with more than a full washer load and want it to be washed AND dried by the morning (bear in mind it'll be at least 10pm) should be made to wear what they have clean, even if that means walking into assembly in just their boxers.

Okay, so now everyone knows what's pissed me off today! Ha ha.

raton used to know someone that did similar, with multiple peacocks. The solution followed Mrs Wanker buying a very new shiny car, and the peacocks taking huge offence and repeatedly scratching it. Encourage them to try it!