Your petty laws...

[LifeInPlasticIsFantastic]

You’ve been made leader of the world and have managed to sort all the really serious stuff out - cured all illnesses, found world peace and order, sorted Brexit etc.

Now you’re allowed to pass 5 petty laws, what would they be?

Mine:

1. People who give unsolicited advice have to wear a hat saying ‘dick head’ for one week.
2. People who enter a roundabout in the left lane and go all the way around, lose their license for one year.
3. People who stop dead in their tracks whilst walking, especially when in a supermarket, are banned from public places until they have completed a ‘how to walk course’
4. The creator of any and all shoes that cause blisters/rubbing are made to walk in said shoes for 500 miles.
5. People who claim to be warm and want to open a window, whilst wearing 72 layers but won’t take a layer off, are sent to Antarctica in a vest and must complete 48 hours without mentioning the cold. Every time they mention the cold the clock resets.

My world is now peaceful. You?

1. Middle lane drivers to have their cars given away and replaced with a Reliant Robin.
2. People who post photos of their food on social media to be forced to print photos of all their meals and deliver them by hand to each and every person they know till they realise what a twat they are and that no one actually wants to see it.
3. People who walk around talking with their phones sticking out from their chin to have them duct taped to their ears.
4. People who sign their children up to clubs/teams then just turn up when they can be bothered without a word, are to buy nice booze and nibbles for each volunteer running the club every time they don't let them know they can't be arsed to come out.
5. Tall people are not permitted to stand/sit in front of an already in place person smaller than them at any venue/attraction. Expulsion from said attraction is immediate if they do.

TricklBOO mine's only 15, so I guess that's yet to come

All builders to have their kitchens and heating removed for 3 months every year, preferably in autumn or winter.
Builders family to stay in Center Parc during this period, at builder's expense.

Anyone using their phone during the film at the cinema- giant hammer immediately comes down and mashes the phone.
Anyone not picking up their dog’s poop. One of those giant claw things descends, picks them up, shakes them about then drops them in the poop. I would have them executed but I don’t want the dogs to be homeless.
Blokes at the gym who drop the weights really loudly should be then trapped under the aforementioned weights whilst being pelted with sweaty gym towels.
School parents who complain about teeny tiny minor stuff have to do 100 playground duties on a windy day at full moon.
Ofsted inspectors should all be rounded up, along with overpaid MAT ceos and crap heads (decided by staff) and sent to live on a very far away island with the ten worst behaved pupils from each school (not sen- just behaviour).
I gave this way too much thought.

People talking or using their mobile in the cinema during the main feature, they get 2 strikes then should have to pay for the audiences tickets.

Dog poo leavers should have to pick it up and spend time picking up other peoples dogs too.

Any groups walking abreast to take up the pavement should be subject to a fine, including teenagers especially.

Anyone leaving the loo a disgrace should have to scrub the bathroom with toothbrushes for at least 6 months. Barring incidents of norovirus or the like that are not lazy selfishitus.

Anyone consistantly not bothering to recycle in home bins/bags/boxes when they can should have to spend a month doing green things, tree planting, litter picking etc.

Wheelie cases to be banned as carry on on planes.
Any part of the body encroaching over the armrest of into the next person’s leg space on a plane for more than 30s and/or without apology to be surgically removed. (Let’s see the man who sat next to me through Sunday night managing without his left knee and elbow.)
Seats on planes to recline slowly rather than just flying into the person behind‘s face at high speed (also person in that seat in front to understand that bracing themselves and pushing back will not make the seat go further back than its full extent, however much they want to lie with their head in my lap, and yes that lump in their back is my knee, which is trapped by them pressing down on it).
People coughing on planes such the the person in front of them can feel the resulting draught of air in their hair to be ejected out of the plane immediately.

Sorry OP I have some more!

• anyone who mansplains cars/physics/chemistry EVER AGAIN to a woman (despite two engineering degrees and years of practical engineering experience in more than one field) shall have said engineering/physics explained to them by means of a drill to the back of the knees. Boobs does not equal no brains.
• anyone who tries to explain to me how a dishwasher works and how to load it properly shall eat the contents of my dishwasher filter after I have created a particularly fragrant 3-course meal.
• delivery drivers of building materials shall not call me "darling". I will crush you with your own Hi-Ab.

(Anyone guess what I've been doing today...)

Yy velociraptor Also men that see a woman driving a large vehicle and assume your ability to park it is dependent upon someone with a penis doing expansive arm waves to guide you in. The driver is allowed to reverse park neatly over the gesturing idiots feet. And leave them trapped under the tire as an example to other would be parking 'helpers'

Also anyone that spews ignorant bollocks as fact, and when it's pointed out they are wrong, they tell you they have been doing x for however many decades, possibly before you were born. Person to have 'doing x badly for 43yrs' tattooed on their head.

Nominated for Classics @LifeInPlasticIsFantastic - great thread.

Just seen this is still going!

Some fantastic laws added. Especially loving the dishwasher filter meal

And thanks @cliffdiver turns out arseholes spark genius in everyone!

Anyone who pukes in public or is unable to get themselves safely due to drink, thereby wasting police/ambulance time shall be fined £5k every time and banned from going into anywhere that sells booze for a year (including supermarkets)

People who bend over their trolleys but are perfectly capable of standing normally will be made to use a child size trolley for a month.

Drivers who speed and look like they aren’t going to stop at junctions then slam their brakes on last minute, causing other drivers to worry, will have their licences revoked until they’ve done a ‘Driver Consideration’ course.

Dog owners who let their untrained idiots rave up to my nervous dog will be slapped around the face with a full poo bag until it breaks and some hits them. In the mouth.

I’ll save a fifth for later.

Knock a door run delivery drivers should be made to order 20 parcels to arrive date unknown and see what it's like from.the other side.

Everyone to walk on the left and not suddenly stop/ cut across others.

People who stop or swim sooooo slowly in pairs as they chat stopping other swimmers from ERM actually swimming
( They should have to.do a swimmers code course similar to the highway code )

People who SQUEEZE BREAD??!!!! WHY??!! Then leave all the bread they've just squeezed for others to buy! These people should be banned from supermarkets!

People ( usually taxi drivers ) who stop two cars abreast blocking the bloody road to chat! Ive seem this done at junctions AND traffic lights. Ditto people who park so close to junctions you cannot see to turn safely.

People ( usually teens ) crossing the road looking at their phones. You need to LOOK AT THE ROAD.

Oops more than 5

Ooh. Looks like I killed the thread,! Never mind