Your petty laws...

[LifeInPlasticIsFantastic]

You’ve been made leader of the world and have managed to sort all the really serious stuff out - cured all illnesses, found world peace and order, sorted Brexit etc.

Now you’re allowed to pass 5 petty laws, what would they be?

Mine:

1. People who give unsolicited advice have to wear a hat saying ‘dick head’ for one week.
2. People who enter a roundabout in the left lane and go all the way around, lose their license for one year.
3. People who stop dead in their tracks whilst walking, especially when in a supermarket, are banned from public places until they have completed a ‘how to walk course’
4. The creator of any and all shoes that cause blisters/rubbing are made to walk in said shoes for 500 miles.
5. People who claim to be warm and want to open a window, whilst wearing 72 layers but won’t take a layer off, are sent to Antarctica in a vest and must complete 48 hours without mentioning the cold. Every time they mention the cold the clock resets.

My world is now peaceful. You?

Tailgating will be punishable by having a shouty army Sargent type follow you round with a hoover up your ass for a week.

Cyclists that don’t wear high viz and use lights in the dark will have to wear a flashing beacon on their head until they have completed a road safety test. ( don’t mind cyclists at all just the ones that like to ride country lanes in the dark)

Zero tolerance on drink driving. Not even 1 if your driving on a night out but all soft drinks/tea/coffee free.

Men who pee on the floor at the urinal will be made to clean it up with bare hands. Oh and those who spit chewing gum into them should be made to take it out and have it stuck of their forehead for the rest of the day. ( I’m a cleaner)

Parents who say they are babysitting their own children will be punished by been locked in a room with thirty two years old for a whole day.

@flashingbeacon somehow he gets 52 teenage boys to keep quiet hour daily so surely he can convince the nation...! It's not just him, it's a school-wide thing. I think most boarding schools have something similar.

In LDS areas like Utah the Mormons have a "family home evening", I think on Mondays, where everyone is expected to be at home with their families so there are no school clubs, evening commitments etc on that evening. I always thought that was a lovely idea if it could be made secular. I remember walking around a town with a heavy LDS population one of those evenings and it was so quiet, no cars out, businesses shut (odd on a Monday night).

Everyone to walk on the left hand side of the pavement (or the right side, if you live in a country that drives on the right). No exceptions - children, dogs etc should be kept under control & away from traffic, & taught this rule as young as possible.

I believe someone upthread mentioned spitting in public. Spitters would be made to clean it up. With their own toothbrushes.

All dogs to be DNA identified, any "leavings" tested, & anyone found to have failed have picked up after their dog, would be required to clean it up. And wear a sandwich board for a period of one week, telling everyone what a public menace they are.

I definitely agree with the point upthread that everyone should be required to work at least a year in a basic level customer service role - shop work, café or similar. I suspect a lot of the people who are rude to the staff have never worked in such roles.

Any houses that don't already have them, to be remodelled to allow sufficient space for a proper dining table (in the kitchen, living room, or a separate room), sufficient indoor space for the various recycling storage that is now required, & proper insulation against the cold. This point, is probably not so petty...

1. People who walk right past a queue of people stood outside a locked door and grab the handle to see if it's open will be forced to live their lives with only brainless autobots who are incapable of thinking for themselves for company, since that's how they view other people anyway.

2. People who watch you sing along to a song they know you really like only to suddenly turn it right down the second the chorus drops because they want to talk to you about something random and uninteresting will be followed around by a trumpeter who starts playing as soon as they open their mouth.

3. People who automatically dislike anything that is modern or popular and go on and on about how much cooler/more authentic people were in the 70s whilst also obsessing over the likes of Tarantino and The Wolf of Wall Street will be forced to look at only cave paintings henceforth because those were the true "good old days" of art.

4. People who refer to their increasingly unpleasant little boy as their "prince" or "cheeky monkey" (followed by numerous blue love heart emojis) or ever use the phrase "boys will be boys" will be forced to live in service of a boisterous monkey pecking away at them, and see how cute they find it then. Mothers who continue that attitude about their awful sons into young adulthood and do everything for them whilst clearly thinking no girls are worthy of him and his unwashed, Pot Noodle empire shall be sent straight to the gallows.

5. People who turn up to a hard to organise appointment and then breathe on your door and leave immediately if you don't answer, forcing you to rearrange, rather than trying the doorbell or knocking louder will have an extremely loud knocking sound streamed into their ears permanently.

People that talk in the cinema once the film has started need to be pelted with popcorn at the first word or bro g back the usherette of shame.

People that come into a work place like they own it will be shunned from all lunches and tea breaks for 8 weeks till they learn their place

Throwing litter will result in 10 years hard labour.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves I was once on a red eye going to work and a woman had PP on full blast, no headphones.

I know flying with small people is no fun (I had one about the same age) but Jesus wept I could have cheerfully strangled her.

Complained to cabin crew who made her turn it down and when they went away she just turned it up again. Witch. I hate that woman even 3 years later.

Some great laws on here! mine are:

1. Any man telling a woman on the street to 'smile love' to have sad clown make up tattooed on his face.

1. Any one that subjects their employees to role play in the work place to be immediately fired and said employees to have an extra 2 weeks paid holiday to get over the horror.

1. Any one posting inspirational quotes on social media or using the hashtag 'making memories' to have all accounts closed for at least a year.

1. Anyone eating smelly food on public transport to be banned for life.

5.Anyone asking a woman when/if they are having kids to have their tongue's cut out.

1. People who design clothes for the female form should take into consideration that those of us with larger breasts need longer tops (unless you're into the belly on show thing) and that those who have tiny breasts need less space which has to be padded out (don't ask me how they're meant to fix both problems)

1. Homes should all be built to have enough space for the number of bedrooms it has; I'm basing this on our flat, the only one we could afford, it has two bedrooms but one is a boxroom and there isn't enough storage or other space inside it to accommodate us all properly - I'd like some better minimum requirements.

1. Vehicle engines should not be 100% silent because that's dangerous especially to the sight impaired; however, engines should not be made to sound louder, efforts should be made to lower the sounds of a running car to merely those which prevent accidents by way of not having heard a car coming. Those who attempt to flaunt this law shall be made to listen to the awful loud sounds of a souped up motorbike and four by four vehicle every single night (like the neighbours opposite us have us do)

1. Abusive, or narcissistic, or otherwise nasty people shall be subjected to having all of their shortcomings broadcast for all to see/hear, including their vile thoughts about those they have victimised, so that their victims can find the support and closure they need.

1. Occupations for people with all kinds of disabilities should be accommodated for at every workplace and a fair chance given to said disabled people with regards to getting said jobs.

Some of these rules are fantastic. I shall henceforth live in this mumsnet utopia.

You may see me on the news for enforcing some of them

Ironing will be banned

People who do not say "Good morning" to the bus driver (and "Thank you" when getting off) should enrolled in Manners 101.

Ditto those who do not have their payment card/bus pass ready.

And those who play music on their phones and don't use headphones.

And the parents who don't fold down the handles of their buggies when the bus is so crowded some people have to stand.

People who ride motorcycles on canal towpaths/other cycling and/or walking infrastructure should be put in the stocks (and have the offending vehicle crushed). If the offender is too young to have a motorcycle licence, the same penalty should apply to the parents.

Vaping! Anyone caught Vaping in public ( I do not want to walk through a cloud of candy floss scented smoke) or in a vehicle, making me momentarily panic because I think the vehicle must be on fine, will have the vape pipe shoved up their arse by me personally.

Stretchy dog leadswill be banned, for obvious reasons. Also anyone who wishes to own a dog, will be made to do a course on dog walking, and pass a final exam before being allowed to own a dog.

I want my dp arrested everytime he goes out and leaves his van running and scrapes it at 5.30 in the morning. I also want his colleagues arrested when the drive up with the radio blaring or get out and have a conversation in the street at 5.30 in the morning. They will serve a week in prison, or pay me a fine of £500 pounds each and go round every house in the street and offer to do housework or gardening as an apology.

The man who lives in the flat above me, will not only be made to allow me to split the shared garden, so I can finally let my children and dog out without having to be outside watching them the whole time, but he will be made to incur all costs. ( he let us buy wood to have a fence built and then changed his mind, we paid for the lot!)

School uniforms will be banned.

Anyone using the word bae will get ten years hard labour. 20 if it’s used alongside a fake photo of them “asleep” with the caption “bae caught me sleeping”
Telling strangers to “cheer up love it might never happen” will earn a place in the gulag.
Smokers who light up at tables outside restaurants will be shot.
Anyone lecturing people how they should think on twitter and ending with the words “do better” will be clapped in the stocks.
Speeders/dangerously slow drivers will be banned for life.

All clothing manufacturers shall be forced to produce exactly the same size for each label so a size 14 in one style/store is exactly the same size as a 14 in another. Within this ruling, each store (M & S I'm looking at you!!) must henceforth ensure that each time a customer picks up two pairs of trousers of the same make and in the same size THEY FIT THE SAME!!!

Cars to be programmed so that if the inside lane is empty, it will move into said lane and thus stop those twats who drive in lane 2 or 3 (or 2,3,4 on a 4 lane motorway!) blocking up the traffic

Vaping anywhere where any other person may deliberately or accidentally inhale the stuff will be banned

All MPs will be forced to take a pay cut, work longer hours and the subsequent savings will be passed on to nurses, newly qualified doctors, and teachers

All children who have moved away from home post 16 for college/university/work and until they settle in their own home will be required to contact their mother at least once a week without her having to make the first move!!!

Men must sit down to piss. Standing = spraying

Not necessary. Just teach boys to aim correctly by leaving a ping pong ball floating in the toilet bowl.

Not necessary. Just teach boys to aim correctly by leaving a ping pong ball floating in the toilet bowl.

Doesn't work when they've been on the beer though

1. Posting photos in social media of your food or your 'best night ever' when you are in a public place should be banned. In fact mobile phones should be put in a special locker on entry to a pub or restaurant. The Sam Smiths pubs don't allow phones and people actually talk to each other. It's ace.

1. All cats and dogs should stop and allow all dog and cat lovers to say hello and if required give them a stroke.

1. If you buy something it should be to replace something else you've donated so if you buy a new top, you donate one to charity.

1. People with bad manners or who are rude to service staff should be sent on 'How not to be a dick' courses.

1. All puppies and kittens need to see me as soon as they can for their official 'cuddle test' certificate and some may not pass first time so may need to definitely see me for follow up tests.

In response to the PP who said that 'people who cut in front of you should go on a pram awareness course',I would like to suggest that a lot of people who use prams should go on a 'people who are walking slowly because they can't help it as they have a disability' awareness course! I am slow and disabled and am heartily fed up with being nearly run off the pavement,expected to jump out of the way or having my feet run over by inconsiderate pram users!
sorry,rant over

aSofaNearYou All your suggestions made me laugh out loud, especially number 2!

People who insist on slamming windows shut on buses,even when it's not particularly cold out, (they're only cold because they're wearing a sleeveless T-shirt and shorts) should be banned from buses for a year. On their return,a repeat offence would incur a lifetime ban.

1)All reality 'stars' made to partake in actual hunger games.
2) people watching marathons (or any other competitive sporting comp) who blow cigarette smoke all over competitors to be burnt at the stake.
3) people who take the last treadmill in the gym just to use it to walk really fucking slowly whilst talking to their mate on the next treadmill, to be attached to a giant hamster wheel and made to run whilst being flogged.
4) people who unfairly encroach on your personal space on public transport/ aeroplane etc eg man -spreading to have offending limb chopped off.
5) people who maliciously spread gossip to be used as target practice by the local archery club.

Anyone who refers to their pet as their 'fur-baby' should be shunned and for ever jeered at for being so wet.

Anyone who ever says 'Awww...he's just playing!' when their dog barks at me or jumps up at me needs to be fed to some ferocious zoo animal.

People who borrow my books and don't return them promptly should locked up, book-less for ever, and the key thrown away.

No elderly racists will ever be allowed to attempt to strike up conversations in the post office queue ever again. I don't want to know.

Some of these are hilarious really cheered me up .
People that give your dc any sort of mess related toy slime , glitter, plasticine should be made to spend the day with a classroom of 5 years olds in your house with the offending items and you can spend the day stopping various children eating said items and you spend the rest of your life cleaning especially glitter which for some reason takes forever.