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Original poster

Immature Step daughter

133 replies

Ziggy2019 · 17/10/2019 07:50

Hi, l am new on here and hoping a few of you can help me with a situation l have found myself in.
I met my partner 5 years ago. She has two children. Her son is at uni and we get on well. Her daughter finished uni this year but has returned home.
She divides her time between her father, her grannie and us.
She has a part time job, cannot drive and so is reliant on everyone else.
The problem is she is still chronically immature. Whenever she is with us we invariably have dramatics that results in tears. She has very few friends so doesn’t socialize much, she often retreats to her bedroom as soon as she arrives getting into her pajamas and spends the rest of the time attached to her phone. Saturday nights are always like this never going out.
She finds it very difficult to hold a normal conversation with me, or anyone else really, her voice often gets increasingly higher and faster to the point l just switch off.
We have had a number of teething problems settling in. Her mother obviously did everything for her before but l have set some ground rules down which, on the whole, she tries to comply with ie. keeping her room neat and tidy and tidy up after herself.
The problem is l just don’t see her wanting to move on with her life. She is so immature for her years, nearly 22, and it’s got to the point I’m just really irritated by her.
I feel there might be a actual problem with her and she could do with some medical help but her mum doesn’t agree.
I don’t have children but have had step children in the past in a previous relationship so knew this wasn’t going to be easy but didn’t know l would be dealing with an adult that hasn’t moved on since she was 14!
Any help r thoughts please?

OP posts:
MrsPellegrinoPetrichor · 17/10/2019 08:08

I feel there might be a actual problem with her and she could do with some medical help but her mum doesn’t agree

You haven't said what the issue is apart from she's irritating and immature.

TottieandMarchpane · 17/10/2019 08:15

Thoughts;

  1. It’s not so very unusual for a 21 year old to still have some growing up to do. They vary a lot at that age.

  2. Step parents (sorry it’s not clear to me if you’re stepmum or stepdad) “laying ground rules” or enforcing discipline is always a bad idea. Leave it to her mother. Equally, leave decisions about medical care or health to her mum as much as possible. If you’re pushing a narrative of mental health problems when the rest of the family think the daughter doesn’t have MH needs, that’s only going to cause issues, whether you’re right or not.

  3. Your DSD’s life seems quite unsettled- three homes, recent graduation, making life plans, against a backdrop of shifting family composition in her teens. Back off a bit and let her breathe. Maybe one home base would help her at this life stage?

MeggyMeg · 17/10/2019 08:33

Is it your place to be setting ground rules?

greenlynx · 17/10/2019 08:36

I absolutely agree with TottieandMarchpane.

Also I’m not surprised that your DSD can’t hold normal conversation with you as it’s obvious from your post that you don’t like her and want her move out. I think she feels it and it might add to her problems.
And your expectations are not entirely realistic. E.g you put that she doesn’t drive. Well, not all 22 years old can drive and I’m sure that quite a few of them get lifts now and then from parents.
Look at it differently: it’s your partner’s fault that her daughter is immature, don’t drive, don’t have enough friends, etc.

00100001 · 17/10/2019 08:36

Sounds like you just want her out our the house.

What does mum say?

mummymayhem18 · 17/10/2019 08:40

I feel sorry for the poor girl. You sound like you are irritated from her being at yours. It's all negatives. She probably picks up on that.

pinkyredrose · 17/10/2019 08:41

Who says you get to set ground rules? Maybe she resents your presence.

katewhinesalot · 17/10/2019 08:42

I can see why it's frustrating but I think you need to try your best to hide that and provide an environment where she feels safe and supported so she can gain confidence in doing things.
Does she work? Can you help her learn to drive?

Try to find a common interest that you can "bond" over. Essentially love bomb her, as much as a step parent can, and fake it, till you make it. Otherwise I can see it causing problems with your dp.

greenlynx · 17/10/2019 08:45

By the way your DSD won’t disappear from her mother’s life even after moving out. So you will be dealing with it in some way for quite a while. Children are forever not just for Xmas.

AmIThough · 17/10/2019 08:47

Does her speech get higher and faster because she's excited?

Did you move in to your partners home or did you find somewhere together?

Would you be better suited to someone whose adult children have flown the nest/who doesn't have children at all?

ShippingNews · 17/10/2019 08:48

Not answering your question, but why is a 21 year old living between three places ? Surely at her age she would want to live at one place and just visit the other people. She isn't a little child who has to be "shared" between the parents ( and grandma).

Why not do her a favour and teach her to drive - or pay for driving lessons. She'd be more independent and probably more confident too.

PlasticPatty · 17/10/2019 08:50

Essentially love bomb her, as much as a step parent can, and fake it, till you make it

No, don't do that. It's dishonest.

Can she live with her gran full time? She needs stability. Presumably you and the mother are staying together? So the gran might be the best bet.

LittleLongDog · 17/10/2019 08:51

So she’s immature in your eyes - so what? She doesn’t need to modify herself for your benefit.

If you’re finding it difficult to get on with her then why don’t you try to find something you can bond over.

Geppili · 17/10/2019 08:53

At what age and how did her parents split up?

GetTheStartyParted · 17/10/2019 08:58

My stepdaughter is 24, finished uni and moved back in with us.

She admits she is struggling with the next steps in her life. She works fulltime but in a job that she doesn't want to do.

My husband taught her to drive and helped financially with lessons and test (before she worked fulltime).

I help her with job searches and applications. I still have to give her a nudge to do this. She is generally ambitious and driven but is scared of the reality of getting a job in the field associated with her degree I think.

I was expected to grow up at age 16/17 and didn't really have the support of my parents after this. I want to help my stepchildren to become independent adults, not force them out as they are an inconvenience though sometimes they are Grin

Hopefully you can find a way to either do this or to support your partner in doing this.

Geppili · 17/10/2019 09:02

I have just reread your op. I feel very sad for this young woman. You sound judgemental. Have you moved in to her mother's house? Are you male or female? Why don't you ask about what it might be like to have a new step parent at aged 17? Did your parents split up? Maybe she hasn't learned to drive because at 17 her whole family of origin was blown apart. You sound so superior with your 'knowledge' of parenting from your previous step kids. That didn't work out, did it? Maybe she hates you? Maybe she is scared of you? Why don't you offer to teach her to drive? I am a step daughter and a mother.

Geppili · 17/10/2019 09:12

Also the first line of your Post is ALL wrong. It is Your stepdaughter who has found herself in this situation. You chose to be with her mother and knew what you were doing. You haven't found yourself in a situation! She probably detests you. I do my step father.

MaidenMotherCrone · 17/10/2019 09:19

I’m just really irritated by her.

That is the problem. Your problem.

Littlemeadow123 · 17/10/2019 09:20

Just because she doesn't act or think the way that you believe that she should doesn't mean that she needs medical help for crying out loud. I hate the whole mentality of "Oh, if someone doesnt behave exactly how I do then there must be something wrong with them".

RainbowBlanket · 17/10/2019 09:22

It seems like you’re the one with the issue not her

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 17/10/2019 09:26

I think you're getting an unfair bashing here OP. 'Ground rules' such as tidying her bedroom and after herself are hardly big asks.
At 22 she should be forging her own way in life.
Dramatics, tears, living in pajamas is all pretty normal for a 15 year old, not so much a grown adult.
I agree with the PP who mentioned supporting her in learning to drive. Can you do that? If she can have a bit more independence that could help hugely.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 17/10/2019 09:35

Being split between three houses doesn't sound ideal. Is she working at all now she has finished uni?

Are your kids older? It's not unusual for 22 year olds to need to live at home now while they find their feet.

It doesn't sound like you particularly like this poor girl. Do you have any shared interests?

Chloemol · 17/10/2019 09:42

I think you are bring a bit harsh. She has to live between three places? Is that because none of you want her? How would that make you feel? Then you lay down rules, that’s her mothers role. Then you say it’s difficult to hold a normal conversation with you, but I bet she picks up on the fact you don’t like her ( that’s obvious from your post) and find her irritating.

It sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants to do next, what support have her parents given her in helping? She may just be an unconfident person, hence staying in, having few friends, what can her parents do to support her?

What can you do to support her rather than being irritated by her

Original poster
Ziggy2019 · 17/10/2019 09:44

Well l wasn’t expecting that!
I’ll take on board some of your comments but actually the decisions made were made by us before we moved in together. My partner did make a start to get them more on board but she admits she did do everything for them which in itself hadn’t really helped them later in life.
I do feel sorry for my step daughter and l know it’s not easy but life isn’t is it!
She chose to take a ‘gap year’ but didn’t think of the consequences that would have on her life or ours and especially taking on a small part time job working 3 hour shifts when she can’t drive and her three homes are at least 12 miles from where she works with chronic transport links and we both work!
She is taking driving lessons but isn’t funding it easy. I think she has had about 60 lessons so far and it’s this lack of confidence that doesn’t help.
She was still sucking her thumb at 18!
I want this to work as l do feel she is trying to drive a wedge between us.
It’s her immaturity l have most concerns about and her lack of wanting to socialize and basically hide herself away in her room from the rest of the world. She is constantly on her phone. From messenger l can see she has been on it at 3, 4 or 5 in the morning.
Don’t be too judgmental here please. I’m not looking for her to be like me or anyone else just to be more aware of herself at nearly 22..
If anyone has been in a similar situation that would be great.
For all you parents out there please remember it’s very, very different being a step parent.
And all you step children who haven’t had good step parents, well, don’t judge us all by your experiences.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ziggy2019 · 17/10/2019 09:48

Thank you. She is taking driving lessons. We get on ok but she is very melodramatic. Very much still in the me, me, me mentality stage of her life. Her parents are slow in coming on board but are very much there for her. We are having a meeting soon to discuss things and how we can help her to move on.

OP posts: