Immature Step daughter

[Ziggy2019]

Hi, l am new on here and hoping a few of you can help me with a situation l have found myself in.
I met my partner 5 years ago. She has two children. Her son is at uni and we get on well. Her daughter finished uni this year but has returned home.
She divides her time between her father, her grannie and us.
She has a part time job, cannot drive and so is reliant on everyone else.
The problem is she is still chronically immature. Whenever she is with us we invariably have dramatics that results in tears. She has very few friends so doesn’t socialize much, she often retreats to her bedroom as soon as she arrives getting into her pajamas and spends the rest of the time attached to her phone. Saturday nights are always like this never going out.
She finds it very difficult to hold a normal conversation with me, or anyone else really, her voice often gets increasingly higher and faster to the point l just switch off.
We have had a number of teething problems settling in. Her mother obviously did everything for her before but l have set some ground rules down which, on the whole, she tries to comply with ie. keeping her room neat and tidy and tidy up after herself.
The problem is l just don’t see her wanting to move on with her life. She is so immature for her years, nearly 22, and it’s got to the point I’m just really irritated by her.
I feel there might be a actual problem with her and she could do with some medical help but her mum doesn’t agree.
I don’t have children but have had step children in the past in a previous relationship so knew this wasn’t going to be easy but didn’t know l would be dealing with an adult that hasn’t moved on since she was 14!
Any help r thoughts please?

Surely at 22 she could settle on one abode and visit the other people in her life, rather than staying in 3 different houses. If she's staying in your home, which I assume you share with her mother, then of course rules can be set for everyone to keep the place clean and tidy. I would assume also that because she is splitting her time between you all, she's probably not paying anyone towards her keep. I would suggest to her mum to discuss her future with her, encourage her to get driving lessons and figure out what direction she wants to take regards her career. At her age she should be well on the way towards being independent, not expecting others to pander to her.

You don't like her v much do you.

Crossed posts - I see she's doing the lessons, but Christ on a bike 60 lessons and she still hasn't done/passed a test??

l do feel she is trying to drive a wedge between us

Grow up yourself!

She may be a natural introvert, but it's literally none of your business what a grown adult does in her own bedroom or what plans she makes or doesn't make.

She obviously doesn't fit your idea of what a 21 year old woman should be doing. That's your problem.

I think you’re getting a hard time on here.

By 22 I was living in a shared house with my mates and had a full time job. She’s an adult and she needs to sort it out.

Unfortunately it doesn’t look like she’s going to change any time soon. This kind of regressive behaviour is entrenched by now thanks to years of instability and being babied as overcompensation. Not your fault but your choices look stark - put up with it or leave.

She has very few friends so doesn’t socialize much, she often retreats to her bedroom as soon as she arrives getting into her pajamas and spends the rest of the time attached to her phone. Saturday nights are always like this never going out.

Sounds like a bit of a miserable existence for a 21 year old to be honest - I would imagine she’s quite unhappy and lacking in confidence, which probably manifest itself in the dramatics and tears you describe. I know it’s a frustrating and difficult situation for you, but I would take a supportive approach.

Your dislike of her really does shine through in your posts, so maybe it's clear to her too. You mix in genuine concerns like not having full time work and not being able to travel to her job by herself with petty stuff like 'she spends Saturday nights at home', 'her voice is annoying' and 'she didn't stop sucking her thumb until unacceptably old'.

You say you want her to move on in life, but it really sounds like you mean you really want her to move out.

I think the first step to helping your home situation would be to try to get to know her and build a genuine relationship.

When did her parents separate and when did you start the relationship with her mum?

Ffs. How can her mother set ground rules for the op's home? Don't be ridiculous. Of course the op can set ground rules for her own home. Tidying up after yourself is not a big ask.

I do feel that any stepmother post on here receives a harsher than usual response.

However, I would say op that you should try not to switch off when she is talking. My dp often does this with me and I am fully aware of this. She may be speaking higher and faster to keep your attention which isn't fair on her at all. She should be doing more with her life at 22 so perhaps see if she wants to go out for the day with you one weekend soon. Somewhere where you can talk at some point. You might glean some insight into what she wants to do with her life and how she is generally feeling at the moment

You are having a 'meeting' to discuss this problem? That is a very revealing choice of word. Also what do you mean that you took all the decisions before moving in?

And who moved in with who?

Ffs. How can her mother set ground rules for the op's home? Don't be ridiculous.

The OP is the mother’s partner.

Being a step parent is hard. OP, you need to detach yourself from your step daughter. Have an uncle type of role instead. You won’t change who she is. Nor should you want to. I can sense frustration/ annoyance because she doesn’t fit into the image of what 21/22 year olds should be doing. Lots of friends, parties etc. Let it go. At least she learning to drive and has a job. Do you want to swap for my nearly 20 year old who has never had a job and who just waits around for daddy to take him to the movies during holidays, no friends. I can’t do anything about it as a step parent, neither can you. Your motives will not be trusted by anyone. I think sometimes children of broken families (for lack of a better term) whose parents move on with someone else can sometimes struggle with independence or maturity. Be kind to your step daughter. She sounds as if she’s struggling. She needs support not judgement. Which can be hard to deal with for a step parent. Just remember you chose your role, she didn’t. In a ideal world I’m sure she’d love for you not to be in the picture.

I do feel that any stepmother post on here receives a harsher than usual response.

OP hasn’t said whether they’re a man or a woman. You seem to be having trouble following this @Witchofzog

Thank you. She is taking driving lessons. We get on ok but she is very melodramatic. Very much still in the me, me, me mentality stage of her life. Her parents are slow in coming on board but are very much there for her. We are having a meeting soon to discuss things and how we can help her to move on.

So she’s learning to drive and she’s working but she’s unhappy and she dislikes you? Seems to be mutual.

What are you having a “meeting” about? Who arranged that?

I would encourage her driving lessons, and maybe get a scooter?! I had one before I passed my test, good for local travel. Do you think you could encourage her to join a group /club of some sort? Sounds like she needs some local friends to help her get out if the house and socialise. Hopefully this will improve her confidence.

I feel there might be a actual problem with her

You're looking in the wrong place for the problem.

I didn’t really think it would matter saying if l was a man or a woman or does that make a big difference to how you would view this? Fir the record I’m a man, we sold both our homes and bought a place together which we are doing up. We have been together 5 years.
Why anyone would need to know what my gender is is beyond me especially in the day of not even being able to say what sex your baby is!

The immaturity/poor planning etc might be an affect of her parents separation.
If she hasn't had chance to grieve the separation and change in her previous family dynamics it may contribute to her behaviour.
Plus having a parent that didn't allow her to learn to be independent doesn't help any adult in the long run.
I think your strong boundaries and rules will be great and she has the option to leave/live with other family if she doesnt like it.
She may need some more in depth guidance... assume your living with a 16 year old when it comes to planning and it might give her the tools to apply to the job/transport situation such as "where do you want to be in 5 years time?" And "what steps do you need to get there"
Hiding in her bedroom might just be her respecting your space and vise versa. Sleep deprivation sucks for anyone, maybe she has online friends abroad?

"For all you parents out there please remember it’s very, very different being a step parent.
And all you step children who haven’t had good step parents, well, don’t judge us all by your experiences."

Please remember it's very very different being a parent. And it's very different and difficult being a child having to accept a new adult in their lives. We aren't judging step parents by our experiences. We are judging your attitude to your step daughter. You haven't even acknowledged that some of us might have a point. The context of her parents' break up matters. And whose house it is matters. Maybe she is suffering with low esteem, depression and loneliness. What is wrong with thumb sucking into adulthood? At least she self soothed healthily rather than using drugs, alcohol or food. Did your parents split up and did you have step parents?

I sucked my thumb till I was 18 and took ages to pass my driving test.
I'm dyslexic, makes things like that harder; dyslexics also mature later.

But I'm a very successful all round adult, the two don't correlate.

The only link is one rather flat thumb.

Oh and dd 20 has a bedroom that's super messy but it's her bedroom.

Nothing to do with me.

I judge you. Please take this as a wake up call and fully support the poor girl.

Why anyone would need to know what my gender is is beyond me especially in the day of not even being able to say what sex your baby is!

It matters to @Witchofzog because she wants to believe stepmums are cruelly persecuted on MN and this thread is an example.

Op, I have some sympathy with her, I didn’t go out much at 21, there’s nothing wrong with that. No point expecting her to be a party animal if she isn’t. It sounds like she needs more time & a stable home.

My ex’s daughter stayed at home until 29 so stop expecting your dsd to move out. Leaving home at 21 is not the norm any more.

Because it's going to be harder for you as an older man to be able to gain the trust of an unhappy young woman.

For all you parents out there please remember it’s very, very different being a step parent.

Touch a nerve, did we? My D(S)S is 23, I've been his Dad since before he was two. It's only different in your head. Tbh, you sound resentful of the relationship she has with her father.

I think you really just need to back the fuck off OP, TBH. You’re coming across as ludicrously hypercritical of your DSD and very keen to poke your par in despite not being her parent.