Immature Step daughter

[Ziggy2019]

Hi, l am new on here and hoping a few of you can help me with a situation l have found myself in.
I met my partner 5 years ago. She has two children. Her son is at uni and we get on well. Her daughter finished uni this year but has returned home.
She divides her time between her father, her grannie and us.
She has a part time job, cannot drive and so is reliant on everyone else.
The problem is she is still chronically immature. Whenever she is with us we invariably have dramatics that results in tears. She has very few friends so doesn’t socialize much, she often retreats to her bedroom as soon as she arrives getting into her pajamas and spends the rest of the time attached to her phone. Saturday nights are always like this never going out.
She finds it very difficult to hold a normal conversation with me, or anyone else really, her voice often gets increasingly higher and faster to the point l just switch off.
We have had a number of teething problems settling in. Her mother obviously did everything for her before but l have set some ground rules down which, on the whole, she tries to comply with ie. keeping her room neat and tidy and tidy up after herself.
The problem is l just don’t see her wanting to move on with her life. She is so immature for her years, nearly 22, and it’s got to the point I’m just really irritated by her.
I feel there might be a actual problem with her and she could do with some medical help but her mum doesn’t agree.
I don’t have children but have had step children in the past in a previous relationship so knew this wasn’t going to be easy but didn’t know l would be dealing with an adult that hasn’t moved on since she was 14!
Any help r thoughts please?

A meeting about her. FFS. Why?

I am unsurprised you are a man. You sound like a man.

Regardless why don't you back off and let your DP and her DD get on with resolving any issues they have rather than organising meetings. It strikes me that your condescending and know it all attitude is exacerbating any problem.

How many times have you been married, op? You mentioned previous step children.

I know a perfectly intelligent woman who sucks her thumb still in her thirties. It’s only akin to nail biting, many adults still do that.

Anyway, aside from that. Maybe she needs a new driving instructor, after 60 hours she should be close to taking a test but some instructors purposely fail to instil confidence so they can get more £££ out of you. I experienced this with one instructor so dropped him and passed after 3 lessons with another instructor.

She may also need counselling if she is struggling with confidence levels. Your lack of empathy won’t help the situation, she may have anxiety.

It just sounds as though you don’t like her and want her out. You didn’t have a right to set ‘ground rules’, you’re only her Mum’s partner. She isn’t a child, you’re not her step-dad. That is as much her home as it is yours.

Is it normal for a stepfather to be checking when his 21 yo stepdaughter was last online?

Mind your own business. She works, she's having driving lessons, she has some friends. Be grateful for what you have.

She might be an introvert, or she might need support, but your resentment and dislike of her is obvious from miles away. No wonder she's in tears around you.

🙈 I must have missed this is a stepfather post.

The op and parent should agree household ground rules together, but he should be allowed to enforce them in a reasonable manner. It is his home too.

I stand by what I said earlier though. Don't switch off. She knows you are doing this and it's a horrible feeling to be on the receiving end of someone who acts bored or inpatient when you are speaking. And get to know her. It will help all of you if you can understand what she is thinking about things and what she wants to do going forward. At her age she should be having an absolute ball. Sitting in her room every night sounds miserable for her. I would be interested to find out how uni went for her too. Did she have friends there, did she go out?

Also re the " wedge" between you and your DP. Maybe look closer to home for the cause of that.

Leaving home at 21 is not the norm any more

Very much this. I returned home in my 20s for a fair few years.

I don't think there's anything wrong in a young woman spending a lot of time in her room on her phone. At least when she does that, she's not attempting to have awkward conversations with you.

She's not going to be living part time with you forever and I would have thought you could suck it up for now. Would be different if she was badly behaved but from what you say, she just seems young for her age - a lot are!

Sooner or later your step daughter will have a boyfriend and that will change everything.

You keep mentioning wanting her to move on. To me that sounds like you actually mean you want her to move out?

You're not being very clear about what you want from or for her. Are your concerns that she isn't happy / healthy? Or are you more frustrated that she isn't what you think a 22 year old should be?

FWIW at 22 my friends and their parents probably thought I was doing well, I completed uni, had 2 jobs, drove, had a boyfriend and went out a lot. At home, my mum saw my anxiety, depression, struggles etc.
Be careful you're not expecting her to provide you with her 'outside mask' when she's meant to be in a home where she's comfortable enough to be herself.

@TottieandMarchpane It is well known that step mother threads don't go down very well on here. I have been here since 2001 and have seen it time and time again. But hands up, I didn't know this wasn't a step mother so I got the ground rules issue wrong.

The immaturity/poor planning etc might be an affect of her parents separation.

As a child from a “broken home” I’d love it if this sort of tripe would stop appearing on here.

If OP’s DP was posting about her antisocial unmotivated 22 year old son or daughter who’d graduated and hangs around in her pjs apart from working the odd 3 hour shift and was prone to dramatic outbursts no one would think of suggesting she should cut her some slack because her mum and dad split up. This stuff is only ever said to step parents, as if by having a relationship with a parent they’re somehow responsible for the consequences of another couple divorcing. OP’s been around for 5 years, the DD was 16, even if the split wasn’t long before they got together it’s been 5 years!

OP, I don’t see that a meeting is the way to go to be honest. If her parents aren’t worried about her you can’t do much. Asking for a basic level of respect and cleanliness/tidyness in your shared home is fine, if she doesn’t want friends or to do anything with her Saturday nights you can’t change that. But you can discuss with your partner about the timeframe she’s expecting on her DD staying at home, whether or not she’s paying rent etc, pitching in with chores especially as she’s working so little. Ignore any outbursts. You don’t have to engage or get dragged into any drama. Be friendly and polite, leave the “parenting” to the parents and keep talking to your partner about where you’re both at.

She chose to take a ‘gap year’ but didn’t think of the consequences that would have on her life or ours and especially taking on a small part time job working 3 hour shifts when she can’t drive and her three homes are at least 12 miles from where she works with chronic transport links and we both work!

Fucking hell. me me me me me. You'd rather she sat on the dole?

DD works 30 miles away, rurally, often needs a lift at ridiculous hours but she loves her job so it's worth facilitating while she learns to drive. Everyone's different in learning to drive, with the amount of aggressive twunts on the roads it's hardly a surprise it's going to take a while, and two-hour blocks are much more valuable.

I can understand why you are finding it frustrating that you might be looking at no progress for years to come. I think - from what you have written- that that is your concern. That she seems stuck and lacks the maturity to move forward.
I'm guessing from your suggestion of needing to see a doctor that there is an element of undiagnosed ASD or MH issues.

But I think you need to stop and see things from her point of view. She is at a transition phase in her life without the necessary skills or confidence to move forward. She sounds as though she is paralysed by fear of change - possibly because there was so much change in her younger life?

Remove yourself from the situation emotionally - this is not your problem to fix. Start making small changes in the evening, sit with and talk, invite her to join you both when you are sticking on a movie. You will need to make repeated invitations.

It’s controlling people of all sexes and relationships who get a tough time on MN @Witchofzog

If it seems like stepmothers get a talking to often, it’s because this is a women-heavy site and step situations are the hardest.

@SimplySteveRedux no he'd rather the adult got a full time job and at least made some effort towards arranging her own transportation

One of my dd was happiest in her room, loved you tube and hates conversation.
That's just her and I love her.
However, if she hadn't gotten a job then there would be consequences.
I wouldn't be taking her anywhere, she needs a full time so she's not travelling for a 3hr day.
Making a meal a few times a week, pitching in with the washing and cleaning etc.

and at least made some effort towards arranging her own transportation

What - like driving lessons?

Posts like this make me feel so sorry for the children in these relationships.

It’s the first, and last, time l have posted on here.
I didn’t think l would be hung, drawn and quartered for asking for any advice people might have especially with step children.
Thank you to those that have contributed in a positive manner. I will take on board your views and I’m sure some of them will help.
The rest of you, well, if you jump to as many conclusions with your own children as you have done with me on here then all l can think is I’m not such a bad person after all!

Off you pop, then.

Do you always react so badly to advice that contradicts your own wants?

If she only works part time and transport is iffy it's no wonder she isn't going out on weekends.

It sucks to move home after uni, your home friends have lives that have moved on and your uni friends are scattered.
It's not an easy time.

Op, you aren’t getting a lot of sympathy here, and that’s a bit unfair.

You aren’t the only one. My ex’s dsd coming home from uni and not getting a job, just expecting to have it all without contribution, finished us. So it isn’t easy. I chose to leave rather than have an unknown period of my life (it turned out to be 8 years) made miserable. But she was proactively spiteful, not passive. Your dsd seems to want to be left alone. Surely that’s not so hard to live with?

Remember your dp’s priority will be her child. That’s natural so you need to decide if this is a game changer for you.

You've come here asking for advice. I think a lot of the advice has been kind and thoughtful, if a little direct, but that's the style round here. You've reacted by flouncing off.

My new advice is: leave the poor girl alone and leave it to her mum to help her. Don't have meetings about her (is she invited to this meeting?), don't stalk her on WhatsApp to find out if she's texting in the night (that's creepy) and stop obsessing over her activities (she's both antisocial and glued to her phone?). If you try to interfere you are likely to make things worse.

Do you really think she thinks of you as a parental figure, at 21? And if not, do you think perhaps you shouldn't think of yourself as having a parental role in her life? Perhaps if you reframed the relationship in your head, from being step parent and step daughter, to your partner's partner and her child, it might be easier for you to detach, and enable them just to get on with it, in their own time and way?

If the parents have concerns, then they need to be working with their daughter and finding tools, support and solutions.

I think you (to a certain extent) mean well, but I'm not sure your involvement is necessarily helping. And I do think perhaps that you and she are not a good fit personality wise, perhaps rub each other very much up the wrong way, and you need to be a bit more honest with yourself about your attitude towards your partner's daughter, and your motivations for wishing her to 'move on'.

She's 21. Many 21 year olds are very immature, particularly if they've been babied and done for, most of their lives. Many are still heavily dependent on their parents. Many of them are introverts, far more into their phone and the internet than partying. Many of them are heavily emotional and overly dramatic. Many of them can't stand their parents, let alone their parent's partner. Many of them are as annoying as all get out - thinking they know it all and should be treated like fully functioning adults when they're nowhere near behaving like fully functioning adults! It sounds like this is the model your partner has at this point in time. . .

But basic groundrules and expectations for you and your partner to set for everybody in the home you own together is fair enough. Basic standards of tidiness, cleanliness, everyone contributing to the running of the household, and basic standards of courtesy towards each other (including not nit-picking, being hyper-critical, or making it obvious how much someone is irritating you by their manner of speech, not throwing emotional outbursts when someone upsets you, but walking away - maybe shutting yourself in your room and going online so as not to have an emotional outburst. . .)