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Original poster

Immature Step daughter

133 replies

Ziggy2019 · 17/10/2019 07:50

Hi, l am new on here and hoping a few of you can help me with a situation l have found myself in.
I met my partner 5 years ago. She has two children. Her son is at uni and we get on well. Her daughter finished uni this year but has returned home.
She divides her time between her father, her grannie and us.
She has a part time job, cannot drive and so is reliant on everyone else.
The problem is she is still chronically immature. Whenever she is with us we invariably have dramatics that results in tears. She has very few friends so doesn’t socialize much, she often retreats to her bedroom as soon as she arrives getting into her pajamas and spends the rest of the time attached to her phone. Saturday nights are always like this never going out.
She finds it very difficult to hold a normal conversation with me, or anyone else really, her voice often gets increasingly higher and faster to the point l just switch off.
We have had a number of teething problems settling in. Her mother obviously did everything for her before but l have set some ground rules down which, on the whole, she tries to comply with ie. keeping her room neat and tidy and tidy up after herself.
The problem is l just don’t see her wanting to move on with her life. She is so immature for her years, nearly 22, and it’s got to the point I’m just really irritated by her.
I feel there might be a actual problem with her and she could do with some medical help but her mum doesn’t agree.
I don’t have children but have had step children in the past in a previous relationship so knew this wasn’t going to be easy but didn’t know l would be dealing with an adult that hasn’t moved on since she was 14!
Any help r thoughts please?

OP posts:

Bluerussian · 17/10/2019 11:21

Ziggy, I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I haven't read everyone's posts but the ones I have read don't seem too bad.

It will be Christmas soon (I don't know when her birthday is), why don't you and your wife pay for a course of driving lessons for her? That would a kind gesture and being able to drive seems to be an essential life skill now, most youngsters start at 17. Then, when she's passed her test, if you and her mum trust her, she could sometimes borrow one of your cars and meet friends who are a bit further away.

Just a thought. Do come back, I want to know how you all get on.

pusspuss9 · 17/10/2019 11:52

I think she's already had 60 driving lessons...

Geppili · 17/10/2019 12:10

Change driving instructor ffs!

Geppili · 17/10/2019 12:12

What conclusions have we jumped to?

Geppili · 17/10/2019 12:16

And how are your 'previous' step children faring now and do you still consider yourself their step father?

Geppili · 17/10/2019 12:19

So far you are the only poster to use a violent metaphor in the posts. You neede to use hyperbole to emphasise how HURT you are by our responses. Imagine feeling hung, drawn and quartered by having to put up with your family split up and living with you. Do tell us if you have any experience of being a step child.

Geppili · 17/10/2019 12:21

Your SD had no voice in you joining her family and she has no voice in her own home and she has no voice on this thread. I think you are controlling and creepy.

Original poster

Ziggy2019 · 17/10/2019 13:03

I don’t look at myself as being a step parent or her as a step daughter. It was just language used on here to try and easily describe the situation l was seeking other people’s experiences of.
She is my partners daughter. Simple. But we do have a house together and I don’t think it is harsh to ask for her to contribute in its upkeep.
I get that there are many young people out there like her. When you are living with one of them and they are not your own, albeit, for a few nights a week it can be stressful.
Again, a big thank you to those that have contributed in such a positive manner. It has helped me realise I’m not being a bad person, I’m not asking too much and l can see how l might go about things in a different way, so that helps.
The ‘meeting’ was suggested by her mum not me. Keeping open good lines of communication are essential with this. It’s how we all act on issues that matters and l take on board l might need to adapt my approach.
Thanks for your help.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 17/10/2019 13:11

Um, do you think it might be quite stressful for her too? You don't seem to find much to like in your stepdaughter, in fact, you sound quite contemptuous of her. Do you think she might be getting that impression too? You don't like how she talks. You are clearly not too impressed that she's had 60 driving lessons and still hasn't passed her test. You are similarly unwowed at her having only part-time work. She sucks her thumb. She isn't out socialising. She sits holed up in her room and spends far too much time on her phone. She's over-emotional and prone to outbursts.

I'm not saying you're a bad person. But I think you could do with looking at how you might be coming across to her, how that might be contributing to things like her holing up in her room, lacking in self confidence etc, her having emotional outbursts.

What do you think she might say about the situation if she'd posted on Mumsnet for some advice?

AllFourOfThem · 17/10/2019 13:26

Adults sucking their thumbs is a well hidden but not unusual occurrence.

I suspect she can tell what your feelings about her are and I would also question how happy she is with her life from the way you describe things. Could she be suffering from depression or an anxiety/confidence disorder?

How about encouraging her independence? You could buy an old car and take her out in it for extra driving experience to help her pass her test.

Original poster

Ziggy2019 · 17/10/2019 13:29

mbosnz Thu 17-Oct-19 13:11:55
Um, do you think it might be quite stressful for her too? You don't seem to find much to like in your stepdaughter, in fact, you sound quite contemptuous of her. Do you think she might be getting that impression too? You don't like how she talks. You are clearly not too impressed that she's had 60 driving lessons and still hasn't passed her test. You are similarly unwowed at her having only part-time work. She sucks her thumb. She isn't out socialising. She sits holed up in her room and spends far too much time on her phone. She's over-emotional and prone to outbursts.

So apart from all that she’s fine isn’t she!
My advice to her would not to post on Mum’s net unless she really wanted to feel bad about herself as I’m damn sure there is another lot out there, waiting in the wings, fingers hovering over their keyboards, to go hell for leather in saying how pathetic she is, pull herself together, rearrange the facts to suit what they really want to say and make her feel like total shite!
Mumsnet? Some of you should think about starting your own group...maybe Mumshate? Mumscouldnt give a flying shit?

OP posts:

mbosnz · 17/10/2019 13:38

Okay, is there anything you do like about her?!

Because actually, all that, isn't that bad. She does have work, albeit, part-time. She is trying to get her licence. Some people don't take to driving like ducks to water! You find her voice irritating. Others perhaps do not. She can't exactly help her voice, can she? She's an introvert. That's okay, actually. You don't have to enjoy socialising. She sucked her thumb until she was 18. She stopped three years ago. And yet you're still banging on about it. She sits in her room on her phone. Do you think she might feel disliked and unwelcome, and therefore holes up in her room to avoid feeling that way, and avoiding someone who makes her feel that way? And yes, 21 year olds spend a lot of time on their phones. Actually I had a go at a 48 year old about that bad habit the other day. She's over emotional (subjective) and prone to outbursts. Again, irritating as hell, I get that, but a certain number of 21 year olds, both male and female are like that - particularly if they're feeling unwelcome, disliked, and like they don't have a voice in the household.

Geppili · 17/10/2019 13:39

You are showing your true colours here.

myrtleWilson · 17/10/2019 13:39

Mumsnet? Some of you should think about starting your own group...maybe Mumshate? Mumscouldnt give a flying shit?

Erm, not sure copywriting is going to work out as a career option for you....

Geppili · 17/10/2019 13:43

But we did give a flying shit! We invested in the thread and offered a very different perspective. As you say in your Op you are new here. I have been on Mumsnet for 12 years, using it nearly everyday. The responses you have got are not full of hate. You just hate the fact that you have been called out on tour entrenched attitudes.

Original poster

Ziggy2019 · 17/10/2019 13:50

Haha! Yes 12 years....fingers hovering ready to criticize, write some other antagonistic comment with little else to do....!

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2019 13:53

Chill your beans buddy. Plenty of us have been supportive, going off on one isn’t very nice. This forum is known for plain speaking. It’s also known for giving step parents a rough ride - not that you’d necessarily have known that. You’re going to get replies you don’t enjoy, others which you hopefully find helpful. Take wha you want to from it and don’t get in a stew, it’s not a good look.

Geppili · 17/10/2019 14:03

I wonder if you could advise me on my current family situation? My parents split up when I was 17. I don't know the full circumstances of the split, but my mother found a new parter from when I was 17. I am naturally quite shy and introverted and I don't have much confidence in myself. I got good enough A levels to be able to get a place at university and I have recently graduated successfully.

Since graduating, I have felt rather directionless. I find that it is increasingly difficult to stop myself from having emotional outbursts. I cry a lot. I don't have many friends since I came back from university. I divide my time between staying at my DMs, DF's and DGs. I have got a part time job but haven't yet passed my driving test. So I am reliant on lifts.

I feel so down and ashamed about what a failure I am. I don't know what is wrong with me. I do know that my DM's partner doesn't think very much of me and I suspect he even actually looks down on me. He gets on well with my brother but he just seems to treat me like an improvement project. He was appalled that I still sucked my thumb as a teenager. His constant disappproving attitude is making me unhappy. He makes me feel nervous and manic when I am around him because I honestly think he thinks I am some sort of freak. I wish I could have my life sorted like him and my DM. They both have good careers and have found love. I am so nervous of driving and I am all fingers and thumbs in the car. I know my mother did a lot for me and I am learning to be more independent.

I try to keep myself to myself as much as possible and stay out of his way. But I know he's aware of the fact that I don't really have a social life and I am sure he monitors when I am onSocial Media which frankly creeps me out. Please kind and wise vipers can you help me? Thank you

Geppili · 17/10/2019 14:09

FYI it took me about five years of reading before I ever even dared to make a comment on a post. My point is you have admitted that you are new and you posted your own thread straight away. Have you done searches on the step parents thread before posting? You are welcome to look through all my posts and see that I am not hate filled.

Wizzbangpop · 17/10/2019 14:10

As someone who is as fairly recently 22. I think you've described me and most of my peers at that age. Sorry I don't have much constructive advice but i think you've got very high expectations

TottieandMarchpane · 17/10/2019 14:10

For someone who wants to micromanage the life of an adult unrelated to yourself, you’re really remarkably thin skinned yourself.

SimplySteveRedux · 17/10/2019 14:12

Mumsnet? Some of you should think about starting your own group...maybe Mumshate? Mumscouldnt give a flying shit?

I'm not a Mum, FWIW, or female.

BeefTomato · 17/10/2019 14:13

fingers hovering ready to criticize, write some other antagonistic comment with little else to do

Okay sure. We have nothing to do except antagonising you. If you weren't here we would just be sucking our thumbs in our pyjamas and looking at our phones. Our advice is obviously wrong, so why don't you go and ask some important manly men for their input instead?

Geppili · 17/10/2019 14:17

You are the one jumping to conclusions and damning a whole website for one thread!

Evilmorty · 17/10/2019 14:19

How can she resolve the going out in the evenings situation so that it better pleases you?

How could she attempt to use her voice differently to better please you?

How is her own thumb in her own mouth upsetting to you?

Do you see how this micromanagement and attempted control of her life and body would potentially make her more withdrawn?

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