Immature Step daughter

[Ziggy2019]

Hi, l am new on here and hoping a few of you can help me with a situation l have found myself in.
I met my partner 5 years ago. She has two children. Her son is at uni and we get on well. Her daughter finished uni this year but has returned home.
She divides her time between her father, her grannie and us.
She has a part time job, cannot drive and so is reliant on everyone else.
The problem is she is still chronically immature. Whenever she is with us we invariably have dramatics that results in tears. She has very few friends so doesn’t socialize much, she often retreats to her bedroom as soon as she arrives getting into her pajamas and spends the rest of the time attached to her phone. Saturday nights are always like this never going out.
She finds it very difficult to hold a normal conversation with me, or anyone else really, her voice often gets increasingly higher and faster to the point l just switch off.
We have had a number of teething problems settling in. Her mother obviously did everything for her before but l have set some ground rules down which, on the whole, she tries to comply with ie. keeping her room neat and tidy and tidy up after herself.
The problem is l just don’t see her wanting to move on with her life. She is so immature for her years, nearly 22, and it’s got to the point I’m just really irritated by her.
I feel there might be a actual problem with her and she could do with some medical help but her mum doesn’t agree.
I don’t have children but have had step children in the past in a previous relationship so knew this wasn’t going to be easy but didn’t know l would be dealing with an adult that hasn’t moved on since she was 14!
Any help r thoughts please?

Geppill, splendid posts! I hope the op reads them throughly.

Have you thought about, maybe, not staying at your mother's house for a while, just visiting during the day but going to dad's or grand's at night? Maybe going out to lunch with your mum sometimes.

I do wish you could make some new friends - I'm sure you will in time but that's not much help right now.

Bluerussian

Sorry, I didn't notice she has had 60 driving lessons already.

Another poster suggesting getting another driving instructor and I agree with that - but if she is nervous about driving, there's no point.

BTW ziggy, only a very small minority do not announce the sex of their child. :-). Thankfully.

Seriously, Op, there is so much wisdom and experience on offer here. Read back your own comments. What is it that has made you so defensive? The 22 year old is the one most of us are concerned about here. The young, vulnerable one. You are meant to be some kind of parent figure. Flouncing off, coming back and insulting the whole website is tantamount to you throwing your toys out of your pram. Because, shock horror, Mumsnet has called you out in defence of an unhappy young girl. Immature behaviour in an adult man who has had several stepchildren.

I wondered about the 'several stepchildren' but I suppose it's not that unusual if someone has been married twice, each time to a person with children.

You could have replied along these lines for eve:

Oh God! I really don't want her to hate me! Can you tell me what damaged your relationship with your step parents. It's reassuring that many of you see her perspective and it helps me see that I am being too cold and controlling about her. Thanks so much for all your replies, even though some of them made me feel dreadful. Keep em coming. Its a real privilege to have access to all these insights. I really care about her mum and therefore really care about her. But I do hear you that she just might not like me or resent me and I have to live with that. Thanks for sharing. This seems to have touched a nerve with some of you. How can I get close to her and show her that I care?

Btw, Ziggy, u can post on mumsnet while having nothing better to do than breast feed a baby.

I don't think she actually sounds that immature. So far she's been at school, college, uni. Everything she needs to do has been sort of set out and now she is just expected to know what to do with no guidance and probably little preperation for it. I know at that age I was absolutely paralysed with fear. Maybe her mum needs to help her make a plan so she feels a bit more steady.

Advice:
.Change driving instructor!!
. Find and establish ONE place for her to live....you know a place she can call home.
. In the meeting ask if she feels she needs help with anything
. You need to recognise young people don’t often move out until late twenties
. You need to be more supportive and less stressful....relax a little, your not there to raise her, but she’s your partners daughter, so should always be there for support.
. Acknowledge you can’t do everything, you need to let her make her own mistakes, if she wants to spend life in her bedroom, let her, she will learn from her own wrong doings.

By the sound of your posts, this could be a huge learning opportunity for you!

Also, Op, you have confounded sex with gender. It'd really help you to spend some time reading posts in Feminism. I learned so much.

Um. It reads like this: 'I don't like my stepdaughter, I find her irritating, we don't get on and I want her out of the house'. Fair enough. It's fine to feel this way, you cannot just magic up love for her if you don't like her. Just remember, the feeling might be very much mutual. She cannot hold conversation with you? Could it be, maybe, because she doesn't like YOU, doesn't want to talk to you and is just trying to be polite as best as she can?

Other than that.. I don't drive and don't have a licence. I don't go out 'socializing' as I'm very introverted, find all that 'socializing' tedious, draining and boring and I prefer my own company. I spend lots of time at home, because I like it this way. I'm 31.

Am I immature? I don't think so, others might, who knows. But I couldn't give a flying fuck what strangers think of my Saturday nights at home. Well yes, I do work, support myself and live on my own arse. So we're getting back to square one: she needs to find a full time employment and move out. However, her mum and she herself might think otherwise.

She doesn't have to 'go out', she can spend as much time on her phone as she likes, she doesn't have to drive, and she doesn't have to change herself according to your needs/wants. She doesn't sound immature, just introverted and there's nothing wrong with that.

You don't get to change someone, an adult person at that. What do you want her to do? Start going out? Find more friends? Spend less time on her phone? Change her voice? Become less 'me me me' for you? Why on earth should she, and how is it your business? The only thing I can understand is encouraging her to find a full-time employment and maybe getting a drivers licence. So focus on that and not her socializing habits.

At 10.21

who is she spending all this time talking on messenger to if she has no friends?

I had a difficult time at her age. I was living back at home, miserable, and a bit lost. I hit puberty very late and at 20/21 I really wasn’t very mature, and I needed more support than I knew how to ask for. My parents were worried and didn’t really know how to help, and I wasn’t easy to help because I was anxious and defensive, and my confidence took a nosedive. This directly led to me ending up in an absolutely awful relationship, so please don’t be too keen to push your step daughter out .
I have known other young adults who have had a big wobble at some point between 19 and 23, it seems many people don’t find the shift very easy. I would try and help her gain confidence, do things with her that are fun for all of you, and let her lean on her Mum for a while. She will move on when she gains in confidence and life skills.

I agree it is hard to read how much you dislike her. Comparing her to her brother is not helpful.
What does her Mum say ? Or her Granny ?

I agree with the comment about changing driving instructors. My younger DD seemed to be having tons of lessons and getting nowhere. She didn't really like her instructor and didn't feel as though she was really learning anything. If she did something wrong in a lesson she'd panic and burst into tears, that's how anxious she was.
We changed instructors and within a few weeks she had passed her test. I was stunned because when she left the old instructor she seemed nowhere near ready. Get some recommendations for instructors that are used to dealing with nervous/anxious young students.

And to add, my eldest DD (who by the way is nearly 21 and still living at home) was a very quiet, shy kid and never went out much. When she passed her test it gave her confidence a massive boost and she went almost overnight from being someone who was at home in her room all the time, to being out almost every night. There must be a connection between the bad transport links and her not going out much.

I feel there might be a actual problem with her and she could do with some medical help but her mum doesn’t agree

From what you've said about her in your OP, this could possibly 'fit' even down to the uncontrolled pitch and volume of her voice.
dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-adults/

Many people with AN have an emotional age around two thirds of their chronological age, so do appear immature when compared to their peers. Many struggle socially with communication in person, some find online contact easier.

No-one can diagnose online, this is just a suggestion based on your description.

I love this, 'am I being unreasonable?' 'yes, here's why' 'no no no I'm not you're not giving me the answer I want so now I'll kick off about it and prove you wrong'

If you don't want answers or opinions that you don't agree with then don't ask the question.

I felt very uncomfortable reading your first post and subsequent replies, I am 24 and grew up in a family with a step mother who clearly despised me and was VERY controlling. I never felt comfortable speaking to her about anything and I ended up doing everything I could to be away from her.

Perhaps instead of using this site to spout your opinions about your partner's daughter, you could take on board the comments from people disagreeing with you as I think they are the ones that will actually help, rather than the ones that validate your wrong belief that you are right here. If anything you are the one acting very immature. Your partner's daughter probably feels judged and suffocated by you and is trying to stay away. The vast majority of my friends and myself are all in her boat, directionless, mental health issues and trying so hard to grow up.

Judgement from a parental figure does not help, believe me! You'll end up pushing her away more

Feel free to ignore and tell me I'm wrong though, even kick up a fuss if you want to about how I'm 'hating' and being so nasty, but I've LIVED through being in your stepdaughters position, and still am.. so I may know a bit about it

I also wonder what his partner would think of what he has shared about her daughter on this forum. Whether his posts could make quite uncomfortable reading for her, as an insight as to how he feels about her daughter.

Great post Couldwenot. So sorry you have had and are having difficulties with your step mother.

I actually wonder what the previous step children would have to say about the OP.

Me too. But he never elaborated on his 'previous' step children.

OP you seem to be wilfully misunderstanding posts ? There has been no hate, women have been generously trying to give you a different perspective. Everyone has been supportive of your partner’s dd. We have all either had dds that age or been young women.

You have responded by being aggressive, patronising and rude. I really hope that you don’t speak to your partner’s daughter in this way. She sounds lost and unhappy, she could do with some love and support.