Immature Step daughter

[Ziggy2019]

Hi, l am new on here and hoping a few of you can help me with a situation l have found myself in.
I met my partner 5 years ago. She has two children. Her son is at uni and we get on well. Her daughter finished uni this year but has returned home.
She divides her time between her father, her grannie and us.
She has a part time job, cannot drive and so is reliant on everyone else.
The problem is she is still chronically immature. Whenever she is with us we invariably have dramatics that results in tears. She has very few friends so doesn’t socialize much, she often retreats to her bedroom as soon as she arrives getting into her pajamas and spends the rest of the time attached to her phone. Saturday nights are always like this never going out.
She finds it very difficult to hold a normal conversation with me, or anyone else really, her voice often gets increasingly higher and faster to the point l just switch off.
We have had a number of teething problems settling in. Her mother obviously did everything for her before but l have set some ground rules down which, on the whole, she tries to comply with ie. keeping her room neat and tidy and tidy up after herself.
The problem is l just don’t see her wanting to move on with her life. She is so immature for her years, nearly 22, and it’s got to the point I’m just really irritated by her.
I feel there might be a actual problem with her and she could do with some medical help but her mum doesn’t agree.
I don’t have children but have had step children in the past in a previous relationship so knew this wasn’t going to be easy but didn’t know l would be dealing with an adult that hasn’t moved on since she was 14!
Any help r thoughts please?

I'm wondering why she has the job with the rubbish shifts? Is it because there are o other options? My DD had a similar type of job for 15 hours a week because it was all she could get, it seems employers want to own all of your time these days since she had no choice but to do those hours over 4 or 5 days.

What are her long term plans? I would say trying to get a better job should be a priority. As long as she is in a low paid job working 15 hours a week then she will never have the ability to save, move out, own a car, holiday or socialise.

Is it possible that she gets a high pitched voice because she gets really anxious talking to people? Did she socialise at uni?

I think having a meeting is a really good idea. I do understand the bond with a stepchild is different than from a biological child you have known all of your life, and many parents of young adult children struggle with similar issues to you.

You could try adding some structure. She might be missing that from university.

She's clearly a product of her mum's waiting on her hand and foot so that will take a lot of time to undo!

Sit down with her and make a timetable, including cleaning, washing, etc.

I do think a change of driving instructor should be strongly considered too.

Is she getting to practice driving in between her lessons? It makes such a difference.

I’m pretty shocked that her behaviour is seen as normal for a 22year old. It wasn’t my experience and it’s not my experience of my friends kids who are at uni or graduated.

She seems really unhappy. If she’s been back for a while it would be a good idea for her parents to ask how she’s finding things, how her experience so far is shining a light on what she wants to do next etc. What are her career or travel plans? Even in the short term is she thinking of looking for a different temporary job? How’s living in 3 diff homes going? Is she feeling lonely and needing ideas on how to meet folk?

I have more chores that I expect my 6 year old to do, so I see why that annoys you! She should be doing her own washing at least? Making dinner one night a week? Being the person who puts out the bins on bin day?

This thread has been an eye opener and there’s no way I’m bringing my children up to turn out like this at 22!!

SO, OP , if you came here for advice, and then are now choosing to ignore it. That’s fine, your choice.

What are you going to do about the situation?

Why do you have such a issue with her being in her room a lot? Not everyone wants to be out all the time it's very mean that you seem to be picking on her character. We dont all need to be out with friends all the time. Perhaps she goes to her room becouse she can tell you have a issue and she feels uncomfy. Why get with someone with kids if you cant be a parent or empathise or be nice? Your stepdaughter is a human being why not try being nice and supportive. I feel sorry for her. She should be able to come stay with her mum without you being petty. I wonder if your partner would be happy to hear you talking about her daughter in this way.

I'm still trying to work out which facts we have changed...

She's clearly a product of her mum's waiting on her hand and foot so that will take a lot of time to undo!

Sit down with her and make a timetable, including cleaning, washing, etc.

So the way to teach a young person to be independent is to take control of their time? Who knew??

This thread makes me very uncomfortable.People are different ffs. Not everyone lauches right iff into adult life after uni.It can be hard.
And 60 driving lessons with no result sounds as if there are other things going on - dyspraxia, anxiety,something else.
The late night messaging - my child has online friends in the US,in Canada,in Europe. The voice thing - stress,anxiety,being upset by the conversation and about to cry?
The job - it is not that always easy to get a full time job.
You can't,as a step parent particularly,make a young adult do what you think they should be doing,it doesn't work like that.You can talk to them and empathise and encourage and support and it's not easy.But to do that you need a halfway decent relationship.

And if you are stressing about a 21 year olds bedroom you are fighting the wrong battle.

The OP also never clarified why he was able to see his "DSD" was on "messanger" at regular intervals through the night.

Was he stalking her???