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What do you ACTUALLY judge mothers on?

358 replies

Ketomeato · 16/10/2019 19:55

Inspired by the child in the buggy thread, I realised I hardly judge anything really, mainly because I have an unruly child with additional needs so in our house, pretty much anything goes. You have to be kind, and you have to wear pants. And that’s it.

What does anyone actually judge about, regarding parents with young children?

OP posts:
57Varieties · 18/10/2019 09:00

Attitudes like what, @Jimdandy? I’m not sure what you mean? Being one of those wicked lazy neglectful sloth mothers that has paid childcare and occasionally family members to look after my kids.

Jimdandy · 18/10/2019 09:04

@57varities I apologise I realise you were quoted someone else’s comment!!!

I will learn how to use Mumsnet soon!

gsw2019 · 18/10/2019 09:05

Stuck for a girls name! Like Teddy or Blue...honest opinions please?!

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Oliversmumsarmy · 18/10/2019 09:29

57Varieties

Yes Gold star to me

Did you actually read my post.

I was referring to parents who don’t actually parent because they have given there children to someone else to permanently look after or have just moved out leaving young teens living in a house on their own.

I know quite a few

I know a few who have sold the family home and moved into a flat and packed the kids off to boarding school.

They see them for a few weeks per year when they go on holiday otherwise they have to stay in school because there isn’t room for them at the flat or they go and stay with relatives or friends.

Whattodoabout · 18/10/2019 09:40

Smoking around them.

There’s a school Mum who I definitely judge. Her son’s names rhyme for starters (who does that?!) Grin. She’s constantly snapping at her DC and I mean, every other word is something derogatory aimed at them. She tells them to shut up, calls them stupid and shouts at them none stop for no real reason. The toddler seems absolutely miserable. You can hear her voice from a mile away as well, she never seems kind or calm.

Whattodoabout · 18/10/2019 09:46

When a little toddler is left trailing behind a disinterested mother ploughing ahead on a busy road and the mother never looks back or holds their hand.

Yep to this. A few months ago even my DC were shocked when we witnessed a two year old standing screaming because her Mum had just wandered off so far down the street, the little girl was stuck not wanting to cross a road. The Mother had crossed said road without her toddler and only realised the toddler wasn’t there when she started screaming. The Mother proceeded to shout at the toddler instead of comforting her too, I judged her and my DC did too.

RainbowBlanket · 18/10/2019 10:02

As long as a child isn’t being neglected I can’t judge parents. Especially not for chocolate, McDonald’s etc.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 18/10/2019 10:03

People who give their children names with spellings that make them look illiterate and / or force them to spend the next 80 years spelling it out for people - Jorja being one that springs to mind, alongside Nevaeh.

People who allow their children to run riot in public. A fun recent one was someone who allowed their toddler to run up to my on lead dog and stroke him, despite a clear label saying "ask before stroking". I swiftly pointed out to the mother that 5 minutes previously he'd be rolling in a dead rat that was filled with maggots and she should probably wash her child's hands before she started licking her own fingers. It's a good job the dog isn't bitey.

People who issue threats to their children then don't follow through on them (closely related to the "I'm going to count to three...." brigade).

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 18/10/2019 10:07

@allfurcoatnoknickers I came across a mother at a university open day who happily told me (I was staff) that her parents had chosen her university and degree subject for her, and she would do the same for her child. The daughter looked both miserable and disinterested. I'm not sure my polite suggestion that her daughter was the one who was going to have to do the studying had much impact.

Whattodoabout · 18/10/2019 10:11

Babies out and about without a hat (in cold weather).

My 11 month old pulls hats off. I have tried numerous different hats including ones with chin straps and he always manages to yank them off. I have been tempted to super glue one to his head but I think I’d be judged for that slightly more...

CarolDanvers · 18/10/2019 10:18

Not much really. An acquaintance makes me very angry for repeatedly moving men in with her and her children. They invariably turn out to be abusive and off they go...for a few months till the next one turns up. I judge that. I think that adults who prioritise romantic relationships over the children need a good shake. I also think most "blended families" don't work and it's the kids who lose out or have a much more miserable childhood than they would have had had they just been allowed to live alone with their parent. They have no power though so just accept it and learn to live with it while the adults in the situation consider it all a roaring success.

ShinyGiratina · 18/10/2019 10:40

There's plenty I can be judged on. I've been passive aggressively sworn about in the street because I have a child (then aged 6) who has absolutely refused to wear trousers for years. He was happily walking through town in the slush at 1oC with bare legs, thick coat, hat, gloves in his shorts. I battled his clothes for a long time which just made us miserable until I conceded that he hadn't had hypothermia yet, and decided it was my maternal duty to provide him with the means to dress comfortably and appropriately, but ultimately he has to feel comfortable in his body.

I get plenty of snarling in particularly on the school run, but there is a difference in a parent impatiently addressing their child's behaviour, and getting nasty and personal about it (swearing may or may not be included, it's often not the swear words that cut deep)

Inhibiting a child through not letting them play appropriately, be it excessively cautious, or silly obstructive clothing/ having to stay zealously clean does matter when a child can't learn through play or is trained to be over anxious. Again, I'm sure I've been judged; I certainly heard intakes of breath when my then 2yo went climbing and had mothers ask if he was OK, but it was safer to let him concentrate on what he was comfortable doing than to excessively helicopter him and distract. I had to catch the older sibling once, but the younger one was very agile and stable. Also inhibiting children through sexism (often entwined with homophobia) If she wants to play football, let her. If he he wants to dance, let him. Let them develop themselves, not be pigeonholed on an arbitarty stereotypical set of values.

I do judge people not parenting according to their surroundings. No I don't go to a pub to listen to fucking Peppa Pig. If I wanted Peppa Pig, I'd put it on my own TV to watch at home. Tablets have their uses, just don't inflict the noise on everyone in the surrounding area.
Wishy washy non-parenting where parents ineffectively whimper at their DC who is running feral and clearly doesn't care is not fair on other people near by and does the child no favours. Add to that the parents who think that the only person who should interact with their child is them, they tend to be ineffectual and they tend to raise children who are difficult members of society. If you don't want a teacher to deal with your child, home-school, if you don't want a staff member to address your child, don't let them run amok.
Have some consideration for your child's needs and the environment; don't ignore that they're getting bored and twitchy and order another bottle of wine. (I have walked out of the pub early at that stage as things were clearly going to get worse.

Most parents are muddling their way though and making some errors as they go, I certainly have, but there are parents out there who make little effort to meet their children's needs, including emotionally. Most parents will successfully produce children who are positive members of society even if there are plenty of little things along the way that aren't to other peoples' taste. There is a difference in judging according to taste and harm.

Timeywimey10 · 18/10/2019 10:42

My Mum tried to choose my university! She banned me from applying to a whole bunch of places like Edinburgh and UC

My father banned me from going to Liverpool. He said it had a bad reputation (this was in the late 80s after the Militant/Derek Hatton saga etc) and that reputation would affect the university too and nobody would want to employ me! (I should say my mother is from Liverpool).

Timeywimey10 · 18/10/2019 10:46

I also think most "blended families" don't work I agree, and it's also noticeable that a lot of the really awful child abuse cases you hear about are always perpetuated by the step-father or mum's boyfriend. Rarely the biological dad.

Timeywimey10 · 18/10/2019 10:47

Do people really judge kids not wearing warm clothes on cold days? I wouldn't even notice! Surely kids wear what they want to wear? I'm sure parents don't send their kids out in shorts and t-shirts when they ave gloves and scarves on themselves!

Yeahthatthing · 18/10/2019 12:27

Timeywimey10 exactly. I'm not going to force my screaming 3yo in to a coat and hat when 5 minutes down the road he'll ask for it and put it on himself anyway.

Drabarni · 18/10/2019 12:31

I usually judge when their child is an accessory, when the phone is more important.
I don't mean taking a break from communicating with your child to answer or make a call. More those who constantly ignore the child who just sits in buggy with a tablet or not.
Poor parenting and awful to think they don't want to communicate with their own child. It makes me feel so sad.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 18/10/2019 12:45

I judge when children are not wearing warm clothes on cold days, yes.

My DS is 6. He doesn't get to choose to wear a T shirt and shorts in the middle of January. I'm not incredibly strict but sometimes as a parent you have to put your foot down with these things. My DS would eat nothing but chocolate and play Roblox all day if I let him. Sometimes you DO have to make decisions for children that age for their own good.

Venger · 18/10/2019 12:51

Poor parenting and awful to think they don't want to communicate with their own child. It makes me feel so sad.

Meh.

My sons have ASD and at times they actively want me to ignore them. Youngest DS (5) will even bluntly say "I'm fine but can we not talk please" if I try speak to him. Usually at this time they'll want to dial down as much sensory input as possible so will have noise-canceling headphones or ear defenders on and a phone or tablet in their hands, head down, block the world out for a bit. Rather than sit there twiddling my thumbs I'll get my phone out and have a clart about on it.

Madmarchpear · 18/10/2019 13:06

Yes I find a kid half jogging after a disinterested mum depressing too. I know one who walks to the school gate like this, actively ignoring kid then as soon as fellow huns in sight she comes alive. Same mum loves to say I told you so and refuses to comfort when they trip or fall.

imclaustrophobicdarren · 18/10/2019 13:13

Smoking I think everyone judges that.
Obviously abusing children is never ok.
Forward facing before the age of 4.

Other than that I'm quite relaxed.

Must say though we go to the pub for an hour every Friday 5-6 approx. We get a table in the corner and play whatever board game DS chooses from the windowsill Grin we all love the pub!

Medianoche · 18/10/2019 13:17

I’m sure I’ve been judged many times because I actually let my children decide for themselves whether they’re feeling too hot or too cold.

IrmaFayLear · 18/10/2019 13:17

I agree I judge women who prioritise their own love life over their existing dcs, and especially having a baby with someone they've known 20 minutes. Grim. I work in a school where a good many of the pupils are from backgrounds where this is common. The kids don't stand a chance and then the pattern repeats.

I also judge smug mothers. Some of them are Performance Parenting, and some sit there beaming whilst their unruly kid creates havoc and the mother thinks it is charming . I was cross in Cafe Nero yesterday as the Madonna was sitting with serene expression on her face as her toddler roamed around covered in chocolate touching everything and almost everyone. Dd had to dodge the sticky kid as she tried to hold on to her as she toddled past.

imclaustrophobicdarren · 18/10/2019 13:18

Really don't get the nappy thing. What's the huge rush?

saywhatwhatnow · 18/10/2019 13:25

I very very rarely judge any mother. I did however take DS (17months) to soft play this week. There was one little boy who was about 3 coming up very close to all the little ones playing throwing balls straight at their heads and faces. Lots just moved away or were moved by their parents. My DS (thinking he was playing with him) gently threw one back at him. This little boy started viciously kicking out at him and made him cry. I just moved him and we played elsewhere. The mum came in once to get the food buzzer he'd taken off the table and then sat for the whole hour we were there with her back to him. When he went to her she ignored him, and when we left the boy flicked my DH the middle finger Confused I will admit I judged her, SUPERVISE YOUR KID!