What do you ACTUALLY judge mothers on?

[Ketomeato]

Inspired by the child in the buggy thread, I realised I hardly judge anything really, mainly because I have an unruly child with additional needs so in our house, pretty much anything goes. You have to be kind, and you have to wear pants. And that’s it.

What does anyone actually judge about, regarding parents with young children?

@CruCru Probably anything more than a glass/can. Any amount that makes your thinking altered and likely not to respond as well to any emergencies that pop up/kids get up and sense you’re talking differently.

A family member used to have a bit to drink at home when I was a kid and I hated that they became so soppy and annoying. So I’ve always had a bit of an issue with it.

Some really judgy people on this thread.

For me it's abuse or neglect of any kind, smacking, swearing etc.
Honestly that's about it.
Everyone has their own situations and problems and parenting is bloody hard. We do what we can to get by.
My son has just turned 3 and is now successfully mastering potty training, judge me all you want. He simply wasn't ready until now. His key worker at nursery agreed.
DS never had a dummy but for gods sake I'd never judge others who choose to use them.

I guess it goes with the thread title. But I think some of these points have genuine concern, others are just being holier than thou.

Parents who drop their kids off on the double yellow lines outside a the school, thus creating danger for everyone.

Smoking around kids. Taking drugs when you have kids.

Teasing their kids for being too good eg ooooo have you got an apple for the teacher? Teachers pet? Then being surprised that their child is a bully.

Moving in with or introducing new partners too early.

But:

Chocolate, snacks, juice, McDonald's. Can't get worked up about that unless it's obviously all the time eg child is overweight.

Age at toilet training (within reason) screens at meals in restaurants / waiting rooms (surely that's for the benefit of the other customers, it's likely they aren't allowed on screens at home mealtimes), dummies. Can't get worked up about that.

Oh goody, an 'unpopular opinions' thread dressed up as something else and posted on by some really, seriously unpleasant people.

Parents who either chat incessantly on their phone,or sit scrolling through Facebook/Instagram or whatever,totally ignoring their child who is chattering away to them. It makes me think that the reports of children starting at school aged 4 or 5 not knowing their own name,and unable to carry out simple instructions are hardly surprising, considering that mum and dad hardly ever speak to them.

Sometimes I feel I am the only mother to have actually raised my children without resorting to giving them to other family members to look after and have not washed my hands of my children when they turned 18

Yes, quite right. I’m sure you’re the only mother ever in this planet full of people to have done that. Gold star for you.

Oh, and does this judgement only extend to mothers?

People only judge through fear of being judged anyway, when people are happy in them selves they don't see their own faults in other people.
You're right.
The only reason I think it's wrong to smoke around babies, swear at children and laugh/encourage poor behaviour in public is because I'm not happy in myself.
🙄

These threads are always quite interesting to see different views, but the best bits are the posters who claim they never ever judge anyone ever and they view all decisions as totally equal and valid and a negative thought would never cross their mind in any situation. I always think it must be fairly hard working pretending to be pious.
Everyone makes judgements.

@LolaSmiles

Agreed.

Actually, I severely judge self-indulgent arseholes who refuse to condem shit parenting just so they can be 'non-judgemental' and have a nice warm feeling!

Very true tumble.

The thing is we all have different categories of judgement and most people will have:

1. evidently poor decisions, bad parenting decisions that fly in the face of all evidence, common sense and manners

1. Things they probably wouldn't do that aren't big judgement issues but silly little judgements that we make because we are human

Some people pretend they do neither or the purposefully confuse the two.

E.g.
Poster A: I judge parents who sit their children on tablets in cafes with the volume on loud so we all have to listen to Peppa Pig for an hour.

Poster B: I can't believe you judge people for using tablets, maybe the tablet is educational. Maybe the parent needed a break. Maybe they wanted to have 5 minutes to themselves because their whole world is crumbling down and you're there being spiteful because the parent has used a tablet with their child? Get a grip.

Poster C: speaking of cafes, I judge people who have all their conversations so loud the whole room can hear. I hate the "I'm making a business call so let me speak loudly so everyone knows I do business" types and I find it irritating when someone decides to have their child recite the numbers in mandarin whilst making loud conversation about how obviously great they are at educating their offspring. Seriously, just talk at a normal volume like everyone else.

Poster B: Here we go, nobody can win. People are judged for JUST TALKING to their child but I bet they'd be judging anyone who uses a tablet as well. OMG people are so judgey. I can't believe anyone would judge a parent for daring to SPEAK to their child

Poster B is too busy trying to be outraged that they deliberately miss that the issues are:

1. Use of tablets without headphones , not an issue with tablets.
2. People being excessively loud trying to draw attention to themselves - an issue with using an unreasonable volume for a communal setting - not an issue with talking to your child

Heavy drinking while looking after the DC is an issue for me, loads of friends and acquaintances do it, socialising in daytime or eve with lots of booze, usually in homes.

And physical punishments

I can't stand seeing a child physically neglected: nose covered in snot, hair sticky with jam, dirty clothes, bare foot in the city. I've known a fair few middle class mums who think they are allowing their children to be carefree but actually the kids always look a bit sad and other kids don;t want to play with them. It's neglect not self-expression.

I also judge parents who have no inkling that their children are independent sentient beings, the kind who come out with shit like: 'Oh they weren't at all affected by the divorce,' or who force their children to behave in a given way to fit in with their own notion of what a perfect family looks like, rather than finding out who their children are, what they are interested in and supporting them to do it.

And parents who use discipline as a point scoring exercise. The kind who remove all a child's toys from their room because they prefer to have a battle of wills which they win rather than get to the root of what's wrong and sort it out.

I'm pretty judgemental of shit parents, it seems.

I’ll be judged then as we let DS watch his iPad when we’re out for dinner - I bet you’d be the first lot of fuckers to complain he was ruining your brunch/lunch/dinner with his constant moaning and crying.

I’ll be judged then as we let DS watch his iPad when we’re out for dinner - I bet you’d be the first lot of fuckers to complain he was ruining your brunch/lunch/dinner with his constant moaning and crying.
Using an iPad - totally fine each to their own
If you're letting them watch an iPad with no headphones on - totally unreasonable and would get judgement from me because it's in the same category as people who play music of phones on busses

Child is upset or unsettled and a parent is trying to settle them - totally fine and only a dickhead would judge

Child is complaining and moaning and having a strop until they get their own way and/or parents sit back letting them - totally unreasonable

Giving children below the age of 4/5 fizzy pop/coke - just unnecessary. I was in Poundland once and a woman bought a child about 18 months a bottle and then poured it into a baby bottle.

Being on your phone constantly at the park or activity when the child is begging you play etc.

Having a constant stream of children with new partners (both men and women) leaving the others behind.

Having loads of kids and then making the older ones bring them. They didn’t choose to be parents.

Spending money on cigarettes whilst your children wear rags.

@57Varieties it’s only in recent years that people have had attitudes like yours. In previous generations the family/community all helped look after children etc together. It takes a village and all that

Smoking/being drunk/using drugs around kids
Not putting kids in weather appropriate clothing (I'm aware kids pull off shoes, socks, hats gloves etc) but I've seen little babies out in blazing sunshine looking sunburnt while their parents sit outside of the pub all afternoon, and seen in freezing winter kids being taken out in just a long sleeve t-shirt and leggings while the parents are wrapped up in coats
(probably get flamed for this but..) people who have loads of kids then just leave them to raise themselves or don't look after them properly

@tumbleisatwat, i called out shit parenting for a living. Some people shouldn't be parents. Others just need help. But most of the stuff listed on here, just doesn't matter.

People often parent how they were. It's about getting them to understand what went wrong and how to do better.

That doesn't always require judgement, more understanding.

For example, we used to judge mother's for poverty, mental health issues, living with DV, we now apply understanding to those situations.

Judgement, in the context of this thread doesn't need to happen to say something is wrong.

Parents who pull faces and move their child away from a child that is behaving differently ( not upset or aggressively) because they think whatever the child has is catching.
Parents who make loud comments about prams being for babies around older children in buggies.

vastly overweight toddlers clutching bags of crisps
TVs in bedrooms
computer games as presents before they even start school
smoking around babies
cold looking babies in buggies

You did ask.

Not vaccinating them mostly

Smoking near them, ear piercing, circumcision unless medical, iPads without headphones

@milliefiori I also judge parents who have no inkling that their children are independent sentient beings, the kind who come out with shit like: 'Oh they weren't at all affected by the divorce,' or who force their children to behave in a given way to fit in with their own notion of what a perfect family looks like, rather than finding out who their children are, what they are interested in and supporting them to do it.

I judge that too, because my mother did it to me and it was awful. I was never allowed to really pursue things I was really interested in, because I had to do the stuff she thought I should be interested in.

@allfurcoatnoknickers not just me then! My parents even picked what A levels I did, I wasn’t allowed to business studies because it wasn’t a “proper subject”. And they didn’t believe me when I said I was being bullied, for FIVE years. I judge them quite harshly for that.

Oh @NorthBich I read that with a contented sigh!

You're my kinda judgey pants!

@Babybel90 My Mum tried to choose my university! She banned me from applying to a whole bunch of places like Edinburgh and UCL

I had to be musical as a child. I did three different kinds of private music lessons and wasn't allowed to quit any of them. I wasn't allowed to play for fun either - I HAD to do music exams or there was no point . I had other hobbies I wanted to do, but couldn't because of the cost of music lessons!