What do you ACTUALLY judge mothers on?

[Ketomeato]

Inspired by the child in the buggy thread, I realised I hardly judge anything really, mainly because I have an unruly child with additional needs so in our house, pretty much anything goes. You have to be kind, and you have to wear pants. And that’s it.

What does anyone actually judge about, regarding parents with young children?

Oh also the constantly shouty parents. There is absolutely no need

When I say overcareful I don’t mean near a steep edge like PP have said (what an awful experience that must have been) - I mean more like SIL who will shout at her 3 year old when he is running in the garden ‘careful! Don’t run you will trip over your shoes!!’

I judge mothers on being an absent parent.

I know a number of mothers who don’t live in the same country as their children and have hired in nannies to look after the children and they fly in every fortnight to visit. (Children go to fathers every other weekend)

None would spend much time with their children before flying back on a Sunday afternoon flight.

A whole host of others would leave their children to be brought up by the gps because they had got bfs who lived so far away from their jobs that they would have to leave so early that they didn’t have time to get the children to school and childminders didn’t start work till 7am and they had to leave the house at 5am.

Others have moved in with bfs who refuse to move and have no room for their children to stay over.

One couple split up.

The mother moved out of the family home into her bfs studio flat
Then the father moved out into a 2 bed house with his new gfs 3 children.

They would visit their young teenage children once per week to restock the cupboards.

When the family home was sold the eldest was able to get a flat because she was working. Her younger sister was sent to boarding school.

Sometimes I feel I am the only mother to have actually raised my children without resorting to giving them to other family members to look after and have not washed my hands of my children when they turned 18

I live opposite a pub and it's definitely parents in pub who let their children hang around for hours whilst they are drinking. Sometimes even after dark.

Occasionally I do see people who do it right. Like having a lunch or a drink in the pub and actually keeping their offspring engaged.

Parents who let their little children walk behind them....or scoot, bicycle really far infront.

Parents who let very little ones walk on the traffic side of the pavement.

Parents who don't ask their children questions about their day... I know some children don't give very full answers, but I still think you should make an effort to ask.

Kids not dressed appropriately... Not just about coats and hats, but other things too. If your child has swimming/pe that day, don't dress the child in skintight jeans....its usually the teachers who have to help them get changed.

Parents who don't notice the noise their children make. For example when children flip seats at swimming/cinema and they aren't told off.

Parents who blame all their children's bad behaviour on them being stubborn as if them being stubborn is something to be proud of.

Things I do others would judge me on.

Potty trained daughter age 3... But it only took a week

Let my daughter have a dummy past age 3. She was such a chatterbox, when she had the dummy for an hour in the afternoon it gave my brain a rest ....she gave it up in one day though.

Taking her sweet snacks as well as healthy when I pick her up after school.

Not bathing her every night

I try not to judge, but sometimes it is difficult not to. I judged the mother whose small child was running around the museum cafe that I was in at the weekend. Other people were trying to dodge the child whilst carrying food on trays whilst she ineffectively called "Be careful darling". She did get up and go over to him and take his hand when he took a box of juice out of a chiller cabinet and started licking the top. "At last" I thought, followed by "You are going to buy that now aren't you?" But no. She took it off him and put it back onto the shelf.
I judged her. A lot.

Am at that odd point where you come out of the baby fog and realise you have different ideas to some of the parents you meet with.

Am judging one on 6 month old baby in front of tv a lot. Think she's judging me on non tidy house, baby led weaning so messy baby and reusable nappies so poop in the washing machine. Still like her company though so just let the thoughts drift past.

See I used to judge swearing in front of kids until I met a woman at a baby group. She was rough as a badgers arse and swore like a trooper but she was one of the best mothers I’ve ever met. She was firm but kind, never spoke in anger. She was so engaged with her kids. I saw her at her house as well as group so I know it wasn’t an act. She’d say things like ‘Fucking hell (kids name) we forgot to bring your nature chart so you can spot birds. What a pair of fucking daft twats we are.’ No malice in her though.

I’ve always remembered her and it was a good lesson to remind me that you don’t have to swear to hurt people with your words. Some of the worst things I’ve heard people say to kids hasn't had a single swear word in.

Same as others, smoking where kids can breathe it in or when pregnant. Also there’s a Mum at playgroup who I judge as she ignores her DD who is known for pushing and snatching, and only intervenes when another child starts crying and it’s clear her DD is once again the cause. She goes over screeching the child’s name at the top of her voice, then goes back to ignoring her. Really pisses me off!

Everything else I’m pretty laid back about. Cannot get excited about BF/FF, sleep training or not, BLW or purées though, life’s too short!

Mothers who put partners (or men generally) ahead of their children.
Mothers who allow their children to become overweight and ignore letters from the school nurse pointing that out.
Obviously mothers who neglect and abuse their children.
All the above apply to fathers equally of course, but the thread title says mothers.

Crap diets
Scruffy/dirty/mismatched/non weather appropriate clothes
People letting their babies stay over at others houses/palming baby off to everyone because they want a 'break'
Cheap car seats/forward facing kids before 4
Kids running riot and parents doing nothing to stop it
Not teaching manners
'Gentle parents' - no such thing imo it's just not parenting your child
Anti-Vax parents
Dummies past 6 months, especially when toddlers are talking through dummies
Bottles past 1
Babying a toddler
Loose pram/car seat straps
Dirty pram/car seats/toys/blankets
iPads at the table, makes me feel very sad for the child
Newborns in those awful buggies, world facing and head dropping to one side because they are too young to be in a pram seat
Kids playing out in uniforms
People introducing new partners to their child after a few weeks/months, especially when they move them in and let the kids call them mum/dad
People who moan about how hard BF is/their child not sleeping/behaviour/food habits and do nothing about it. Don't whinge at me about how hard your life is if you aren't going to do anything about it.

Kids playing out in uniforms

Eh?

Wow northbich, that sounds tiring

I just judge people who are judgy, think people should mind their own business.

People only judge through fear of being judged anyway, when people are happy in them selves they don't see their own faults in other people.

Unkindness from parents bothers me more than most other things. My DC can be bellends sometimes but I don't speak to them like shit, and would try not to ever do so. When I'm out and about and hear parents snap and speak harshly I really don't like it.

The rest of it I don't think about much, because everyone can be an arsehole sometimes.

@tumbleisatwat

"Everyone judges. It's human nature."
But not in a negative way, just in a 'i wouldn't do that" kind of way.
"What makes you a decent person is how you act (or not) on your feelings."

Your thoughts and understanding etc also dictate what sort of person you are. Our thinking does effect, empathy and how we interact with others.

@apples24, it isn't just SEN that can mean nappies until later, bowel/stomach conditions can as well.

@StormBaby, smokers can also love their children, as some non smokers can abuse/murder etc their's. They've got an addiction that got a grip of them and for a number of reasons aren't at a point of stopping. Or they've balanced the risk and decided to carry on.

Being in my 50's with my eldest being in her 30's, has shown me that a lot what people are judging on this thread, don't matter one bit.

Some people swear, I'm not talking at their children, but just in general and it does no harm. You accept that that's how they are.

I've known women who've been a lot tougher on their children, moved in less than ideal men, had more children etc and their relationship with their adult children isn't the worst for it.

Permanent things like attachments, teeth and education matter, then not being what we recognise as neglect/abuse, but the rest, I'm not sure about enough to judge.

So what's the use of all that negative thinking?

That's a really good question!

I a wee bit judge parents who are (IMO) overly controlling of their kids. I think it can set them up for bad things in the future, such as getting into relationships with controlling partners. I've seen that happen a few times.

I occasionally see parents being a bit too mean to their kids, under the guise of being strict - such as not letting a small child have their teddy or a mummy cuddle when they are sobbing and begging for teddy/cuddle. That makes me do proper tears. But it's pretty rare. Most parents I see are doing a much better job than I am, so I don't need to get the judgy pants out very often.

Parents with immaculately dressed children in the park or playground screeching at them not to get mud on them while looking at my son sat in a puddle covered in mud in horror of course I know they are judging me for letting him get so dirty 😂

Baby Bjorns/front facing carriers

Parents talking nastily to their children, like they just don’t care about them in general, not an end of tether type thing.

Drinking whilst looking after children/kids at home

Oh, please! I try not to judge people but if you’re going to yell at your kid, right in their face, calling them a fucking little shit as I heard a delightful woman say the other day, YES, I’m going to judge you. I don’t care what is happening in your life or what your journey is, that’s NOT ok.

Parents in pubs with children, unless having a meal.

Parents who have a string of different partners around their children.

Squash in baby bottles makes me shudder...

I kind of judge anything that makes other people feel bad. The other day I was on the bus on the way to school with my children and said something like "Right kids, time to get off!" and the child near us said "Kids are goats" and his mother said "Yes, X, you're quite right!" in a judgemental way.

I think part of the reason that bugged me was that there was an element of trying to educate a stranger - seriously, fuck off. I'm not going to stop using "kids".

All the people who judge others for drinking while looking after children at home. Do you mean any drinking (having a single can of lager while watching Bake Off) or getting blotto?