Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Can you help me word tricky conversation with in laws?

133 replies

AdamantEve · 11/10/2019 14:51

About a month ago my in laws announced they had put a deposit down on a (UK based) holiday for next year for themselves and my two DC. They acknowledged they should have asked first but didn’t really explain why they hadn’t.
They have never had the DC overnight never mind for a week and find them tiring and hard to keep up with when they have them for a few hours. They are in their early 70s and youngest DC is 6. Ultimately, I don’t want the children to go as I have never been away from them for a week and wouldn’t let them go away with my own mum for a week either so although I have a lot of concerns about in laws being able to look after them, it isn’t solely down to that, I just want my children with me!
I am sure lots of people will say I should just let them go but it’s already making me feel stressed and I just want to let them know it’s not going to happen.
When they told me I was on the spot and didn’t really say anything apart from ‘oh, have you?’ I do regret not shutting it down there and then! DP won’t speak to them as he’s scared to rock the boat....
I’ll be seeing them tomorrow. Please help me phrase this so I offend them as little as possible.

OP posts:
MeetLoaf · 11/10/2019 14:54

DP won’t speak to them as he’s scared to rock the boat....

Tough shit, he needs to put his children and his partner before his parents. He needs to be the one to tell them that this holiday isn't happening.

Catnuzzle · 11/10/2019 14:55

DP tells them.

fedup21 · 11/10/2019 14:56

They can’t just take your kids on holiday without asking or having any sort of conversation about it!

Do they not want you there as well?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Graphista · 11/10/2019 15:03

Why on earth are you worried about offending them when they clearly don't give a crap about your feelings!

Sounds like you and dh tiptoe around them constantly they MASSIVELY overstepped here tell them so - better still if your dh tells them.

Look up some assertiveness videos and tell them clearly, calmly but definitively that your dc going away with them without you absolutely will not be happening

Original poster
AdamantEve · 11/10/2019 15:08

DP will absolutely not tell them so whether I agree with this or not (and I do not!) the only way it will be resolved will be by me telling them no. DP thinks I’m just saying no because I don’t like his parents. This is not true as I do like them well enough however I am not close to them.

I fully agree that they can’t just take the children without telling me, I don’t know what they were thinking! I presume they think I wouldn’t want to book the time off work to join them (they are correct).

I’m thinking of saying:

“MIL. FIL. I have been thinking about this holiday you are planning next year and now I’ve had time to think about it, I am not keen on being apart from the children for a week. I just thought I should let you know now so you can change to a date during term time to save yourselves some money, if you want to.”

It’s going to go down like a lead balloon, I know that much.

OP posts:
Majorcollywobble · 11/10/2019 15:12

They have only paid a deposit so it’s really not going to be too much of an issue if your children accompany them or not . If they lose their deposit on the holiday if they decide not to go as a couple it’s not your fault .
You say that you wish you had tackled it sooner but they did put you on the spot as you say .
As a grandmother myself there is no way I’d book a holiday for us and our grandchild without running it past his parents first .
As you say it’s nothing personal to them as your reaction would be just the same had your own mother booked this holiday .
No doubt they feel that you and your DH should just feel happy and pleasantly surprised that they have booked this break - and they are bound to be disappointed that your reaction is less than joyful . But that is their problem, not yours .
If your DH feels unable to have a quiet word I’d suggest something along these lines .....
“It’s really kind of you both to book this break for the children - WE have had time to have a think about it and feel that the children are just too young to have a week away from us . I hope you understand that it’s nothing personal - we would feel the same if my parent(s) had booked this trip . “

FanSpamTastic · 11/10/2019 15:14

"MIL FIL - now that we have had time to think about it neither DP nor I are happy with the idea of the DC going on a holiday without either of us for a week. Either we all go together or I'm afraid the DC will not be able to come with you. You should really have discussed this with us first before going ahead and making any bookings. Please do not do this again."

DriftingLeaves · 11/10/2019 15:14

Definite DP problem here.

FanSpamTastic · 11/10/2019 15:16

For avoidance of doubt I would also add "you should cancel the holiday unless you still want to go on your own without the dc."

AmIThough · 11/10/2019 15:19

I think what you planned to say sounds perfect.

Original poster
AdamantEve · 11/10/2019 15:21

@Majorcollywobble thank you, it actually sounds so much better saying WE rather than I.

@FanSpamTastic I would love to be that assertive and clear but I know there is no way I would actually say that in real life, I’d panic and probably end up suggesting they take the children for two weeks instead Wink If this was my own mother I’d be so much more comfortable being direct but I suspect PIL are just going to think I’m being an arse and that makes me feel like I need to be delicate with them. I expect their heart was in the right place but honestly, who does this!!

OP posts:
Bucatini · 11/10/2019 15:21

Yes I agree with FanSpam - you need to add that sentence to make sure it is completely clear.

Then just keep repeating "sorry but I don't want the children to go on holiday without me" again and again.

mummmy2017 · 11/10/2019 15:25

While I agreed it would be lovely for you to take DC on holiday, I need you to understand that both DP and I feel that DC will be too much for you and are not comfortable with them being so far away for a week.
Then just say " no that will not work for us." To what ever they say.
They will have booked a family room so not that much extra cost.
Find out how much it was deposit,maybe offer to repay.
If you can bear it offer for DC to stay overnight.

Spied · 11/10/2019 15:26

I've been in a similar situation.
Pils take their dd's children away for a week every summer ( camping holiday) and assumed they could take mine along too.
Dp tiptoes around them and feels because it's ok with his sister it should be ok with us and he wouldn't tell them no ( he didn't want them to go but rather that than upset his parentsHmm). I was the one who ended up telling them that 'we' we're not happy with them going away without us.
Cue a backlash of me being controlling and not allowing their DS/my partner to have a say or an opinion. He still didn't utter a word!. I resent him massively over it.
You definitely have a dp problem. In the meantime just say to them it's not happening and they should have asked you not told you.

Drum2018 · 11/10/2019 15:26

Don't pin the decision on yourself. Say it's a joint decision between yourself and Dp. Why does he get to sit mute and make you look like the bad guy? @FanSpamTastic suggestion is a good one.

Topseyt · 11/10/2019 15:27

Make clear to them that you did not appreciate them making the booking for the children without first raising it with you. Say that this has breached an important boundary and you aren't happy about that.

Say too that you are aware of how exhausting they find the children, so a week away without parents would not be a good idea. Tell them that the holiday can only happen if you go too, and/or DH.

If they don't like that then the kids will not be going on the holiday and MIL and FIL can go on their own if they still want to.

Don't worry about it being awkward. They weren't worried about riding roughshod over you.

Drum2018 · 11/10/2019 15:28

Find out how much it was deposit,maybe offer to repay

Don't do this. Why should op be out of pocket for something the in laws did without consulting them first?

Ledkr · 11/10/2019 15:29

I feel for you. My mil has been applying the pressure to have Dd for days on end since she was born.
They live about 109 miles away so Uts it as if I can get her if she wanted to come back. She loves them but is a real home lover and would defo struggle after a day or two. She always wants her in school hols but I love the hols and want her myself to have some fun with whike she is still little.
You have just got to take a breath and say it in the absence of your husbands back bone or testicles.

Original poster
AdamantEve · 11/10/2019 15:30

Just to clear up the deposit issue, they told me it was refundable so I know there is no problem there, they won’t lose any money should they choose not to go.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 11/10/2019 15:30

Fanspamtastic's suggested response is good.

Go for that one. If they don't like it then they either cancel the holiday or they go on their own.

BertrandRussell · 11/10/2019 15:31

Before you do anything- do you think the children would enjoy it? How old is the older one?

OkayGo · 11/10/2019 15:32

That's nuts I would be furious if someone just decided they were going to take my dd somewhere without even asking me! It's a weird thing to do!

BertrandRussell · 11/10/2019 15:32

But absolutely don’t pay the deposit!

Soubriquet · 11/10/2019 15:32

My Nan regularly has my dc for the day but even I wouldn’t be comfortable her having them a week.

I would make it clear BOTH of you don’t like it

Yes they probably will fall out with you, but the kids are more important

ODFOx · 11/10/2019 15:34

Hi PIL, it's kind of you to think of the dc but I am a bit worried about it to be honest. They are full on active children and I wouldn't want your holiday to be spoiled by being tired out.
Also they have never been away from us for so long before.
Is there a chance to delay paying any more until we've tested the water? I'm thinking of a couple of weekends where they come to your for a couple of days so you can all get used to each other before we all make the final decision for such a big holiday.
Half term is at the end of October. Shall we say X weekend?
Thanks
OP

Swipe left for the next trending thread