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Original poster

Can you help me word tricky conversation with in laws?

133 replies

AdamantEve · 11/10/2019 14:51

About a month ago my in laws announced they had put a deposit down on a (UK based) holiday for next year for themselves and my two DC. They acknowledged they should have asked first but didn’t really explain why they hadn’t.
They have never had the DC overnight never mind for a week and find them tiring and hard to keep up with when they have them for a few hours. They are in their early 70s and youngest DC is 6. Ultimately, I don’t want the children to go as I have never been away from them for a week and wouldn’t let them go away with my own mum for a week either so although I have a lot of concerns about in laws being able to look after them, it isn’t solely down to that, I just want my children with me!
I am sure lots of people will say I should just let them go but it’s already making me feel stressed and I just want to let them know it’s not going to happen.
When they told me I was on the spot and didn’t really say anything apart from ‘oh, have you?’ I do regret not shutting it down there and then! DP won’t speak to them as he’s scared to rock the boat....
I’ll be seeing them tomorrow. Please help me phrase this so I offend them as little as possible.

OP posts:
Myimaginarycathasfleas · 11/10/2019 19:13

How about

DP and I have been thinking about your holiday and we think it would be better for you to plan it without the DC. Neither of us feel comfortable with them being away for a week, plus we think you'll find them pretty exhausting for that length of time, especially as you haven't had them before!

Why don't we come over and spend the day with you? That way you can see the DC and we'll take them away when they get tired and crotchety.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 11/10/2019 19:40

Ah, that sounds particularly tricky. Even for two fit people it would be tiring to keep such young children occupied for a whole week in that setting. Is it possible that they just don’t get how difficult it will be because they e spent so little time with them?

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 11/10/2019 20:18

They should've asked first for dates etc but most children love holidays with grandparents, I always did with mine. I know already once DS starts school my parents and PIL will want to take him away each summer , which is a huge help with summer holiday childcare and he'll get spoilt rotten. Maybe it's time they stated having them for the odd overnight in preparation

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DeeCeeCherry · 11/10/2019 20:31

All this convolution because a husband is being a ninny when it comes to his parents🙄.

Id be minded to tell him to grow a pair and speak to his parents - If not then don't mention it and when the holiday date arrives - don't send the kids. Simple as that. Tough if theyre left standing. If in lead-up to holiday your husband starts asking about it then maintain same line calmly in broken record style - No, they're not going and you have to tell your parents.

Why oh why is it always women who have to stress about in-laws bullshit, whilst husband sits back? Including women on a forum thinking up a load of reasons to get him off the hook. I can see why it happens tho but it's bloody annoying

Fuck that.

Book a nice break for yourself and let him go on the holiday with mummy and daddy

Passthewipes · 11/10/2019 21:08

I respect and understand your concerns and wishes, but they are trying to do a nice thing. How about you all go on this holiday. word it so you are looking out for them....we are really grateful for the gift/gesture of taking the children away, but we are worried it is too much for you to manage for a whole week, and we'd hate to be away from them for so long, so could we perhaps come along too?

Wonkybanana · 11/10/2019 21:56

I respect and understand your concerns and wishes, but they are trying to do a nice thing. Are they, or are they imposing their wishes on the OP? If they really believed that everyone would think it was a nice idea, wouldn't they have talked to the OP first?

OP this bothers me too, you said The youngest isn’t keen because FIL lost his temper last time they went out and it caused a lot of upset . That would be it for me. They're not going. If he can't control himself on a short outing, how's he going to do so on a week's holiday?

LadyGAgain · 11/10/2019 23:22

I'm inclined to align with @DeeCeeCherry

Ozgirl75 · 12/10/2019 07:25

My in laws adore my two boys and they have been to stay for two nights at a time since they were about 3 and 5. I would never send them for longer because when we pick them up the in laws look visibly aged and exhausted, although they insist they have a lovely time!

But young children are just tiring and on the go all the time and older people aren’t.

It’s a shame it has to fall to you to tell them though.

NoSauce · 12/10/2019 07:59

Blimey some people like the sound of their own voices on this thread and I guess are projecting too.

OP your dc will be 7 and 9 by the time this holiday comes about? Or near enough? Personally I would compromise with the in-laws and say you will come and stay for a few days and then leave the dc with them for the rest of the holiday.

You’d be reassured that the dc were happy, that the cottage was suitable and that the GP looked happy enough being left with them.

They aren’t toddlers, the in-laws aren’t doddering 90 year olds. It will be fine.

But obviously you can listen to MN and never let them go anywhere with their paternal GPS if you so choose.

Original poster
AdamantEve · 12/10/2019 08:29

It’s not really about me not wanting PIL to spend time with the children. I’ve always facilitated it previously, it’s just the length of time I’m uncomfortable with. My own mum is only in her early 50s and I think she would even find it tiring having the children for a week as it’s been a number of years since she has had young kids herself. I don’t know what it’s like to be 70+ ad everyone is different, but I do know that PIL tell me they’re exhausted when they’ve had my children for a few hours! I feel a whole week is just unsustainable. I have said up thread I don’t mind compromising with a weekend if they are amenable to this. I won’t be joining them for any part of the holiday though. DP and I could possibly stay nearby and take the children home after the first weekend but it’s a lot of extra expense when it’s money we could use towards a family holiday we actually want to do. I know that sounds unkind but surely most people would feel the same. If not, then you’re a better person than me!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 12/10/2019 08:40

Whatever decision you make about this particular holiday, you do need to think about your feeling that you can’t be parted from them for a week. By 7 and 9 there will be cub/scout camps, sometimes school trips/all sorts of things they might want to do. Be careful you don’t let your feelings override their wants/needs.

Carparkticket · 12/10/2019 09:03

Nah. I don’t buy the “they were trying to do a nice thing”
That is irrelevant.

Normal situation would be to ask the parents.

They didn’t, went ahead and booked it, they put their wants first.

You simply decline and say that next time they are to ask first.

Why does the OP need to be careful and tactful? She can be honest and assertive setting her very reasonable boundary.

Your DH should do it but hey...

Inforthelonghaul · 12/10/2019 09:20

OP I agree that 2 or 3 nights would be a perfect introduction to this idea for both parties. My Dad and his partner are in their seventies and provide regular childcare often for another family member. It’s tiring but they love it.

I’m just chuckling at the comment about your own DM being early fifties though. I’m fifty with a child of similar age and older siblings. Not in my dotage yet and no more tired than I was ten years ago doing the same stuff with them.

Sounds like a good chance for them to get to know each other so suggest a shortened trip and see what they say.

BreatheAndFocus · 12/10/2019 09:22

I think it’s outrageous they booked this without asking you! YANBU. They’re either totally lacking in tact and empathy or there’s something less pleasant going on.

I’d simply say “thanks but we don’t want the DC going away without us. We’d feel the same if it was my parents.” Keep it short.

Surely they must know they’ve overstepped the mark here??

Original poster
AdamantEve · 12/10/2019 09:35

@Inforthelonghaul My own dad was 51 when I was born! So I know that people in my mums (and your) age group have no problems looking after children, what I mean is that as my mum hasn’t had young primary aged children 24/7 for some years now, it’s a shock to the system when she does have them as she’s used to the peace and quiet now my siblings have grown up!

OP posts:
Original poster
AdamantEve · 12/10/2019 09:37

They’ve sent a text message this morning saying “we are taking the children to a restaurant tomorrow” again, no asking, just telling! I know it’s nice they take them out and of course the children enjoy it, but it does get my back up the way they phrase it. Hopefully I get my point across to them effectively.

OP posts:
nottodaysatanlucifer · 12/10/2019 09:43

What if you had plans? Honestly, they really are taking the piss.

nottodaysatanlucifer · 12/10/2019 09:44

My own mother wouldn't dare just make arrangements and not even ask and she's not even 50 yet! It's not normal behaviour.

BreatheAndFocus · 12/10/2019 09:44

So to sounds like they’re just completely inconsiderate, OP?

Refuse the restaurant thing. Say you’ve got something planned. Perhaps they’ll then get the message to ask first.

Original poster
AdamantEve · 12/10/2019 09:52

DP has already agreed to the restaurant thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
AdamantEve · 12/10/2019 09:56

This is quite a new thing, they always used to ask in a normal manner. It’s only this year where they have started telling me what is happening. Maybe they just assume I’ll be ok with it because I usually say yes? But still, I would always ask first. Imagine me texting a school mum and saying “I’m going to collect your DC from school tomorrow so they can have tea with mine” - you just don’t, do you!

OP posts:
LOALM · 12/10/2019 10:02

Fanspam's suggestion is perfect.

I've had a similarISH situ with DH not being able to be upfront with MIL. I ended up having to say to her that DH feels same as me and would back me up if it weren't for the fact that he doesn't feel like he can be honest with her. Of course it went down like a lead balloon for a while, I told her to sort it out with him and not me, and now fast forward 6 months and all of our relationships are better than they've been in years. Can be hard but sometimes upfront honesty and being prepared to ride the short term storm for a while is best in the long term.

BreatheAndFocus · 12/10/2019 10:07

I wonder why they’ve just started doing this? Habit, perhaps?

You’re right - it’s rude and entitled, but maybe they’re oblivious to that?

I’d sort the holiday first - let them know it’s not happening. Then concentrate on the rest. I wouldn’t link the two things (even though they do seem to be related).

But if DH is just going to say Yes every time they do this, then I’d put your foot down now about the restaurant thing. I hate things like this because I’d rather avoid any hint of conflict, but personally I’ve found that putting my foot down a little has helped enormously and actually reduced stress because I’ve put up boundaries.

They’re being inconsiderate, whether deliberately or not. If you let them get away with it, they’ll continue. The holiday is perfect proof of this.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/10/2019 10:08

In relation to their recent text message I'd have to reply "Oh that sounds lovely but unfortunately we have already made plans for tomorrow. Maybe another time?"

They can't demand and instruct, they can ask.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/10/2019 10:10

Just after seeing that your DP has already agreed to the restaurant thing. I'd still send a text message saying "Oops. DP forgot we had plans tomorrow. We'll have to take a rain check on the restaurant. Another time perhaps"